The Obama campaign has created a slideshow depicting how the government can help a woman named Julia throughout her life and how all of that would be ruined if Mitt Romney were elected instead. You may think a perfectly capable woman wouldn’t need constant government support, but you’re very, very wrong and stupid and lack foresight. That’s why Obama has unveiled his vision for the future, inspired by 1984, a most forward-thinking book which details the story of a man overcoming his right-wing, anti-government concerns and learning to embrace a progressive future where the government helps him plan his life. It’s a bold idea that will finally fulfill the dreams of our forefathers, who once packed up all their things and headed west seeking a new government that would provide for all their needs.
Of course, what Obama has published about Julia is only a rough draft of what he has planned. He has since sat down with futurists, science fiction authors, and hippy drug addicts to come up with even more precise details of what life will be like for Julia if America chooses to re-elect Obama versus the horror that awaits her if Mitt Romney is elected.
Under President Obama: Julia is enrolled in Obama’s new, heavily modified Head Start program. When it is determined that her parents are too inadequate and/or fundamentalist, she is adopted by the government. Her name is legally changed from Julia Smith to the more precise Julia Female B34Z5R79.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia gets no special Head Start program. Having no way to learn anything without government help, she eventually drinks a gallon of paint.
Under President Obama: Julia’s education is going well, and she receives a personalized form letter from president/father Obama that he is pleased with her progress. Knowing government loves and cares for her gives Julia the confidence she needs to succeed.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia goes to a crazed Christian school, thanks to vouchers funded by cutting NPR from the budget. Republicans run rampant and cut other necessary government programs, such as cowboy poetry festivals, and young Julia shudders as she feels society collapsing around her.
Under President Obama: Julia wonders whether to engage in sex. Her government lovingly provides her with free contraception and one dollar abortions.
Under Mitt Romney: Thanks to Republican weakening of government, society completely collapses. Julia is traded to a nearby warlord in exchange for a donkey.
Under President Obama: Julia enrolls in college, choosing a major that fits in with Obama’s plan for her. While there, she encounters neo-Tea Partiers who spread propaganda slandering the government. In her government-mandated earpiece, she hears the phrase “black lilacs” — the activation phrase taught to her in her Head Start program. She blacks out, and when she wakes up she is back in her dorm room and sees on the news that the neo-Tea Partiers were all brutally murdered.
Under Mitt Romney: The Koch brothers are now rival warlords, and Julia is caught in the middle of their conflict. Having no other source of food, she is forced to slaughter and eat her pet dog. It tastes great and is the highlight of her day! She feels awful that anyone ever made fun of a former president for once having eaten a dog himself.
Under President Obama: Julia graduates college and looks for a job. No jobs are currently available, so she is given more contraceptives. She watches on TV as President Obama, now immortal in his robot unicorn body, is democratically elected god king. Thanks to the new two-way TV design, she is comforted by the fact that Obama could be looking back at her.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia ventures out only at night to make it harder for Bain Capital’s hunter/seeker robots to find her.
Under President Obama: Though still unable to find work, Julia lives a happy, peaceful life where the government provides everything she needs. She is a little disturbed when some of her friends are eaten by Morlocks, but she knows it’s not Lord Obama’s fault, as he inherited them from Bush.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia finds gainful employment in the FOX Nation (now an actual nation) as an assassin. Most of her money has to go toward paying for contraception, though. Why can’t that be free?
Under President Obama: Julia and the government have a long discussion, and the decision is made that it is not in her best interest to have a child, and she is instead given a robot dog as a companion (which unfortunately is inedible). She soon has some excitement when she learns that exposure to the new government-mandated CFL bulbs causes people to eventually become zombies. As Julia boards up her shelter, she is assured this zombie outbreak won’t cost her anything, as it’s all covered under Obamacare.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia is stabbed in the arm during a hit gone bad. Because of the high cost of health care, she doesn’t get proper treatment soon enough and has to amputate her arm. She replaces it with a chainsaw — and not a nice electric one but a polluting gas-powered one.
Under President Obama: Julia is given a job helping to build more high-speed rail, which is now replacing all roads as commanded by the great and powerful Obama. She has to work long hours seven days a week and only gets to keep 15% of her pay, but she feels good knowing that the rest of the money goes toward paying for all the other Julias out there (all women are now named Julia under Obama’s “Equality in Naming” decree).
Under Mitt Romney: Julia trades three shotgun shells for a gallon of gas to power her chainsaw arm. She regales children with tales of the long, long ago when people had a government to protect them and provide for them.
Under President Obama: Julia is now allowed to cease working and retire. She knows she’ll be well provided for, as the government invested her money in Social Security with a steady -10% return. She receives a monthly reminder that her service to the government is over and that not everyone can be immortal like their infallible ruler Obama. The letter includes charts that show her how much her no longer living will help the government’s budget, and it assures her that while she may die and be processed into fuel for high-speed rail trains, the government will continue to go on forever and ever and ever.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia is tossed off a cliff by Paul Ryan’s great grandson.
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So there’s your choice, women of America. Do you want to take the path laid out by Obama and have a nice, peaceful, planned-out life, or do you want the path of Mitt Romney and the Republicans that will ensure you live in a brutal, chaotic world where you eventually end up with a chainsaw arm?
That chainsaw arm is not as cool as it sounds.