The More Precise Life of Julia
A few details left out of the Obama campaign slideshow.
May 5, 2012 - 10:08 am
Under President Obama: Julia graduates college and looks for a job. No jobs are currently available, so she is given more contraceptives. She watches on TV as President Obama, now immortal in his robot unicorn body, is democratically elected god king. Thanks to the new two-way TV design, she is comforted by the fact that Obama could be looking back at her.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia ventures out only at night to make it harder for Bain Capital’s hunter/seeker robots to find her.
Under President Obama: Though still unable to find work, Julia lives a happy, peaceful life where the government provides everything she needs. She is a little disturbed when some of her friends are eaten by Morlocks, but she knows it’s not Lord Obama’s fault, as he inherited them from Bush.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia finds gainful employment in the FOX Nation (now an actual nation) as an assassin. Most of her money has to go toward paying for contraception, though. Why can’t that be free?
Under President Obama: Julia and the government have a long discussion, and the decision is made that it is not in her best interest to have a child, and she is instead given a robot dog as a companion (which unfortunately is inedible). She soon has some excitement when she learns that exposure to the new government-mandated CFL bulbs causes people to eventually become zombies. As Julia boards up her shelter, she is assured this zombie outbreak won’t cost her anything, as it’s all covered under Obamacare.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia is stabbed in the arm during a hit gone bad. Because of the high cost of health care, she doesn’t get proper treatment soon enough and has to amputate her arm. She replaces it with a chainsaw — and not a nice electric one but a polluting gas-powered one.
Under President Obama: Julia is given a job helping to build more high-speed rail, which is now replacing all roads as commanded by the great and powerful Obama. She has to work long hours seven days a week and only gets to keep 15% of her pay, but she feels good knowing that the rest of the money goes toward paying for all the other Julias out there (all women are now named Julia under Obama’s “Equality in Naming” decree).
Under Mitt Romney: Julia trades three shotgun shells for a gallon of gas to power her chainsaw arm. She regales children with tales of the long, long ago when people had a government to protect them and provide for them.
Under President Obama: Julia is now allowed to cease working and retire. She knows she’ll be well provided for, as the government invested her money in Social Security with a steady -10% return. She receives a monthly reminder that her service to the government is over and that not everyone can be immortal like their infallible ruler Obama. The letter includes charts that show her how much her no longer living will help the government’s budget, and it assures her that while she may die and be processed into fuel for high-speed rail trains, the government will continue to go on forever and ever and ever.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia is tossed off a cliff by Paul Ryan’s great grandson.
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So there’s your choice, women of America. Do you want to take the path laid out by Obama and have a nice, peaceful, planned-out life, or do you want the path of Mitt Romney and the Republicans that will ensure you live in a brutal, chaotic world where you eventually end up with a chainsaw arm?
That chainsaw arm is not as cool as it sounds.