The More Precise Life of Julia
A few details left out of the Obama campaign slideshow.
May 5, 2012 - 10:08 am
The Obama campaign has created a slideshow depicting how the government can help a woman named Julia throughout her life and how all of that would be ruined if Mitt Romney were elected instead. You may think a perfectly capable woman wouldn’t need constant government support, but you’re very, very wrong and stupid and lack foresight. That’s why Obama has unveiled his vision for the future, inspired by 1984, a most forward-thinking book which details the story of a man overcoming his right-wing, anti-government concerns and learning to embrace a progressive future where the government helps him plan his life. It’s a bold idea that will finally fulfill the dreams of our forefathers, who once packed up all their things and headed west seeking a new government that would provide for all their needs.
Of course, what Obama has published about Julia is only a rough draft of what he has planned. He has since sat down with futurists, science fiction authors, and hippy drug addicts to come up with even more precise details of what life will be like for Julia if America chooses to re-elect Obama versus the horror that awaits her if Mitt Romney is elected.
Under President Obama: Julia is enrolled in Obama’s new, heavily modified Head Start program. When it is determined that her parents are too inadequate and/or fundamentalist, she is adopted by the government. Her name is legally changed from Julia Smith to the more precise Julia Female B34Z5R79.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia gets no special Head Start program. Having no way to learn anything without government help, she eventually drinks a gallon of paint.
Under President Obama: Julia’s education is going well, and she receives a personalized form letter from president/father Obama that he is pleased with her progress. Knowing government loves and cares for her gives Julia the confidence she needs to succeed.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia goes to a crazed Christian school, thanks to vouchers funded by cutting NPR from the budget. Republicans run rampant and cut other necessary government programs, such as cowboy poetry festivals, and young Julia shudders as she feels society collapsing around her.
Under President Obama: Julia wonders whether to engage in sex. Her government lovingly provides her with free contraception and one dollar abortions.
Under Mitt Romney: Thanks to Republican weakening of government, society completely collapses. Julia is traded to a nearby warlord in exchange for a donkey.
Under President Obama: Julia enrolls in college, choosing a major that fits in with Obama’s plan for her. While there, she encounters neo-Tea Partiers who spread propaganda slandering the government. In her government-mandated earpiece, she hears the phrase “black lilacs” — the activation phrase taught to her in her Head Start program. She blacks out, and when she wakes up she is back in her dorm room and sees on the news that the neo-Tea Partiers were all brutally murdered.
Under Mitt Romney: The Koch brothers are now rival warlords, and Julia is caught in the middle of their conflict. Having no other source of food, she is forced to slaughter and eat her pet dog. It tastes great and is the highlight of her day! She feels awful that anyone ever made fun of a former president for once having eaten a dog himself.