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The Low-Information Voter’s Guide to Politics

Personal responsibility is hard. We're here to help.

by
Oleg Atbashian

Bio

March 2, 2013 - 12:24 am

Are you typically lost when co-workers discuss current events around the water cooler? Do you have trouble figuring out the national debt or who that Ben Ghazi dude is, but you know what’s on Kim Kardashian’s grocery list?

If you think you only deserve fun answers to all life’s questions … you’re right! This primer will help you look smart and morally superior in any political discussion. Just memorize these big words, explained in easy terms you already know from TMZ and The Daily Show:

BIASED: If you have a weird friend who goes to church and her parents are still married, that’s what they are.

ELECTIONS: These are like the Teen Choice Awards: the coolest and most popular wins. Democrats always win because they are cool and popular. Republicans are more like your weird friend’s parents.

DEBT CEILING: This is like Lindsay Lohan’s probation: by law, she should go to jail if she gets arrested, but we all know she won’t.

PUBLIC EDUCATION. Think Memento. Remember how the guy in the movie learned to go through life and fight enemies by relying on snapshots, notes, and tattoos? Public education does that on a national level as a free service.

IM-MI-GRA-TION: Whew, that’s a long word — just like that velvet rope outside nightclubs. When really fun people arrive, you just open it right up.

QUAN-TI-TA-TIVE EASING: Remember Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can, and how he printed his own checks? Well, that’s what the Treasury secretary, Tim Geithner, does. It’s really cool.

TRILLION DOLLARS: This is a silly number. If someone says: “The U.S. national debt has topped 16 trillion,” take it easy. Remember how Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen life terms while having only one life?

Once you owe more than you can pay, numbers stop making sense. Anything above that is free money; spend it fast so you can get more.

ECONOMIC STIMULUS: It’s like Whitney Houston upping her dosage to get the same high, always needing to use more and more to “chase the dragon.”

SE-QUE-STRA-TION: This is just a made-up word that Republicans say to make you feel stupid.

FAIR SHARE: Someone you know has three Louis Vuitton handbags and you only have one. As many as you can get somebody else to steal from them and give to you — that is your fair share.

ENTITLEMENTS: This is like celebrities getting a $30,000 bag of goodies for showing up to the Oscars, so that the givers get more street cred and respect. And votes.

FOREIGN POLICY: Think Lady Gaga’s world tour: it’s totally awesome but can also get weird — like, she’s hot in places like Europe and Japan, but gets booed and canceled in places like Indonesia.

IRAN: Think Robert Downey Jr. — he may be calm at the moment, but if he gets his hands on the wrong stuff, he could trash his neighbor’s house and pass out naked on the lawn.

MUSLIMS: These are like the blue people from the movie Avatar — they live in a magic tree and don’t need human technology or any of our laws like gravitation, because they have a miraculous energy source inside their planet. Humans must respect that, and send them humanitarian aid. But instead, an evil corporation from Earth brings drilling equipment; that’s why all humans get killed.

ISRAEL: This is like the evil corporation from Avatar that landed on the blue people’s planet.

OIL: Think magic energy source on planet Pandora that humans want to steal. Get over it, humans!

OCCUPY WALL STREET: People in this movement are fighting greed by forcing Michael Douglas’ character in Wall Street to give more money to the 99% of people like us. We need to support their stand against corporations by friending them on Facebook™ and re-Tweeting them on Twitter™.

MEDIA: The good media are like paparazzi and E! Entertainment who keep it real by telling us all the truth about interesting people. The bad media are like bullies who make good people look bad. Nobody listens to them except for your friend’s weird parents.

HIGH-CAPACITY MAGAZINES: These do not contain expensive perfume samples that you can rip out while waiting at your hair salon. See GUN CONTROL.

GUN CONTROL: If Naomi Campbell had a gun, she would be shooting at her maids all the time. Without a gun she just beats them with a cell phone and then gives them compensation. Everyone is alive and happy. As long as the government keeps guns away from the citizens, Rihanna and Chris Brown will always be together.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Think Brad Pitt, dashing A-lister who can’t do anything wrong.

FIRST LADY: She is like Kim Kardashian, only with other people’s money.

VICE PRESIDENT: Think Steve Carell, a lovable nincompoop who likes to make others laugh.

WHITE HOUSE: This is like Cribs, a really fancy pad where celebrities hang out and party instead of working.

MIDDLE CLASS: These are like the extras in movies — kind of important but nobody cares who they really are.

CON-STI-TU-TION: It sounds almost like Cosmopolitan, except it’s really old and has no make-up ads or sexy pictures, but some people are really into it, like Antiques Roadshow.

Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from the former USSR, is the author of Shakedown Socialism, of which David Horowitz said, "I hope everyone reads this book."  In 1994 he moved to the U.S. with the hope of living in a country ruled by reason and common sense, appreciative of its freedoms and prosperity. To his dismay, he discovered a nation deeply infected by the leftist disease of "progressivism" that was arresting true societal progress. Oleg is the creator of a satirical website ThePeoplesCube.com, which Rush Limbaugh described on his show as "a Stalinist version of The Onion."

Comments are closed.

Top Rated Comments   
Good list. And here's a Handy Guide for lo-info voters on the prizes you'll receive:
1. Your health care will be provided for the rest of your life - and here's the best part: it's totally, like really FREE and everything. And you won't even have to give up your 20oz sodas or cheeseburgers; well, scratch the 20oz sodas -you may have to scale back to 16oz sodas, but you can just get two of 'em.
2. Your house will be like, awesomely safe because you'll have those really neat curly-Q light bulbs everywhere. And don't worry about breaking one of 'em - just call 911 & the EPA & clean up is a snap! That's totally free, too! The only drawback is you may have to evacuate your house (and the neighbors will, too) for a few days. But you'll be put up in a luxury hotel with all the amenities - cable TV, spa services and room service! Oh, one more thing about your house. It will have low-flow toilets & showers to go along with the low-flow of information you get about your government.
3. No job, don't worry about it! You'll get like, really totally free food that you'll buy with a credit card accepted at all major grocery stores. And if you don't like that, you can trade it for really neat stuff, like booze & drugs, and you can also use your credit card at all major casinos & gentlemen's clubs.
4. No car & no phone? No problem! We'll give you cash for your clunker so you can get a brand new set of government wheels and a free cell phone so you'll never be in communicado.
5. Last but not least, your education will be like totally free too! And of course, you'll be provided with free condoms and a teacher who'll give you one-on-one instruction on how to use them.

1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (17)
All Comments   (17)
Sort: Newest Oldest Top Rated
Segesta77 - thanks for the great suggestions. I'll include them when I post this list on the People's Cube.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
The usual pattern obtains. Left wing or merely liberal intellectuals invent a phrase like "low-information voters." A decade or two later the right notices the language and attempts to appropriate it in the spirit of "I'm rubber, you're glue!" It's rather touching, rather like what happened in New Guinea when the natives tried to get the good stuff the Europeans had by building air ports and factories out of bamboo and knotted vines. I believe the technical term is "cargo cult."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
You forgot:
Dem-o-crats: They are like Javier Bardem from that movie No Country For Old Men: super friendly, cool hair, quick with a joke, only wants what's best for you and completely reasonable and rational if you disagree.

Re-pub-lic-ans: They are like Tony Stark from the Iron Man movies: mean, ugly, nobody likes him, really dumb, never says anything cool, and is rich because he stole it from the Middle Class (see elsewhere).
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
more like, DemocRATS; they are like Jar Jar Binks, annoying extra, who's only purpose is to prove how stupid the human race can be.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment

Stunning development in Chicagogate: Publisher of Blagojevich book “Golden” confesses

http://illinoispaytoplay.com/2013/03/03/stunning-development-in-chicagogate-publisher-of-blagojevich-book-golden-confesses/


1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Delightful! Although, sadly, it isn't satire . . .
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment

Personally, I think Obama needs to go to school on the way Egypt and Libya gets rid of their three and a half inch rulers.

All signs say, Barack could use a detailed exit strategy.

In a few months, the little man whose house of cards is built on big, big lies, enough to fill The Grand Canyon, will have become such a joke that he'll be lucky to be considered for the court jester job that Biden currently holds. Between a Barock and a hard place, I'd venture to say, the little liar lives.

Separately, I'm waiting out the hours till Michelle gets her first pie in the face.

Actually, present day Barack reminds me of Adolph in his final days in that cold, dank, cement, poorly lit Berlin bunker, his starter dirt-napping rest home. Somehow I picture Obama sitting at a table by himself, making plans; moving around lying possibilities that no longer exist because they're beyond belief.

That darn Bob Woodward must be destroyed I can hear Obama repeat again and again like a sick soul in an up state New York sanitarium that no one listens to anymore.

Perhaps a little post dinner aperitif would hit the spot, along with, perhaps, a side of cyanide. Together, they might take away that splitting headache along with Michelle's depressing frown.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
If you don't think the USA has a SPENDING problem you are a moron.
If you think that the USA's $ 16.5 TRILLION debt will ever go down under Democratic rule you are a moron.
If you think that raising TAXES will ever help the economy grow or reduce the DEFICIT you are a moron.
So stand up Left wing moonbats, the USURPER his Democratic REGIME and deluded RINO's - you are MORONS one and all.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
--- "ISRAEL: This is like the evil corporation from Avatar that landed on the blue people’s planet."

Too Fing hilarious!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
You aimed over their heads. Most of these people are: no-information voters.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
True. The numbnuts will never get it.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Good list. And here's a Handy Guide for lo-info voters on the prizes you'll receive:
1. Your health care will be provided for the rest of your life - and here's the best part: it's totally, like really FREE and everything. And you won't even have to give up your 20oz sodas or cheeseburgers; well, scratch the 20oz sodas -you may have to scale back to 16oz sodas, but you can just get two of 'em.
2. Your house will be like, awesomely safe because you'll have those really neat curly-Q light bulbs everywhere. And don't worry about breaking one of 'em - just call 911 & the EPA & clean up is a snap! That's totally free, too! The only drawback is you may have to evacuate your house (and the neighbors will, too) for a few days. But you'll be put up in a luxury hotel with all the amenities - cable TV, spa services and room service! Oh, one more thing about your house. It will have low-flow toilets & showers to go along with the low-flow of information you get about your government.
3. No job, don't worry about it! You'll get like, really totally free food that you'll buy with a credit card accepted at all major grocery stores. And if you don't like that, you can trade it for really neat stuff, like booze & drugs, and you can also use your credit card at all major casinos & gentlemen's clubs.
4. No car & no phone? No problem! We'll give you cash for your clunker so you can get a brand new set of government wheels and a free cell phone so you'll never be in communicado.
5. Last but not least, your education will be like totally free too! And of course, you'll be provided with free condoms and a teacher who'll give you one-on-one instruction on how to use them.

1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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