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The Future of the GOP Is Ron Paul?

The point isn't who he is, it's that he's catnip for crazies.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

May 5, 2010 - 12:00 am
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Now why does Ron Paul attract these people? Well, he takes a position outside the mainstream and stands on principle, not convenience. This attracts the support of people who feel let down by the system and ignored by the two major parties. And crazy people. Mainly crazy people who, much like Ron Paul, don’t know how to work within the actual system to get things done, because they just don’t understand how gosh darn insane they look to everyone else. I believe it’s possible to support a lot of Ron Paul’s ideas and not be crazy — the blame-America-first attitude on foreign policy is despicable, though — but it’s not possible to hang out with other Ron Paul supporters for very long and not be crazy yourself. These people have worked long and hard to make sure their sales pitch for Ron Paul and his ideas will cause a sane man to slowly back away while keeping a hand near his gun.

But didn’t I say Ron Paul was the future of the GOP? Then why did I just spend so much time bashing his supporters as toxic, crazy people? Well, I just wanted you all to understand the reality of the situation. Yes, these people are crazy, but they are also crazy enthusiastic, which can be useful at times. I mean, one-on-one arguing for a candidate, they scare people, but they’re still feet on the ground. And they can raise money, too. Sure, all that money and enthusiasm is kinda useless when it’s just them and Ron Paul, but what if we got the party machine behind it? You see, we make Ron Paul the leader of the GOP, and then all his supporters will become our hardworking lackeys to dispense as we see fit.

I know what you’re thinking. “Ron Paul will never play along with that. He knows we’re all corporate shills who have no regard for the Constitution and start wars for the benefit of our Jew-masters.” And that’s a valid point. But that’s why the Jews who secretly run the country built those mind-controlling satellites. The problem is that it takes time to fully brainwash someone via satellite, and Ron Paul is quite wily. He sleeps every night inside a Faraday cage just to make sure our mind control rays can never get to him.

So here’s the plan: We have someone outside his house say something like, “It was stupid to ever base our dollar on gold. It’s just a dumb shiny thing; we might as well base our economy on tinsel.” Ron Paul will then run outside to give the person a good talking to, and that’s when we’ll blow up his house with a missile while making it look like terrorists crashed a plane into it (we’ve done that before; it’s pretty easy). Ron Paul will then flee to the shelter he has prepared for when the country finally collapses, but we’ll have turned all the shielding around it into a signal amplifier. Then we’ll hit him with the mind control rays. If they don’t microwave him (we’ll have to check the proper impedance), by the next morning he’ll be telling his supporters, “Know what’s the most constitutional thing ever? The Federal Reserve!”

And there we have the future of the GOP: A Ron Paul puppet leading his eager supporters to help us stomp all over the Constitution and start wars of aggression, with no one left to stop us!

Except maybe Dennis Kucinich.

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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