The Chastened Adulterer: How an Affair Is Like a Heart Attack and The Case for Psychotherapy
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
I read your last advice column, “Adultery Is Bad, Telling Your Spouse Is Worse,” and the comments it provoked. I have a question that no one raised: is it possible for a chastened adulterer to become a good — even a great — spouse?
Chastened in Chicago
Dear Chastened,
The answer is a resounding yes. With serious introspection — if at all possible aided by serious psychotherapy with a licensed, qualified, and, in a best case scenario, a highly experienced therapist — yes.
Note: To avoid the awkward “his/her,” “himself/herself” phrasing, I’ll refer to “him” in this column, by which I intend to include “her.” Whenever I refer to a “husband” and his conduct toward his wife, it applies equally to a wife’s conduct toward her husband, or any partner’s behavior toward his or her partner.
I cannot emphasize strongly enough that your post-adultery decision to make an effort to mend your wandering ways and succeed at becoming a good or great husband should not begin with confessing your adultery to your wife, unless you’re forced by circumstances to do so.
There were many comments last week to the effect that if you don’t confess, your spouse will love a person who isn’t “the real you.” My reply is that no one knows everything, even everything important, about his spouse. It’s neither helpful nor useful to make such a confession. It’s hurtful and counterproductive to the marriage.
One reader wrote that since infidelity is grounds for divorce, a secret adulterer deprives his wife of the knowledge that she has the legal basis for ending the marriage. To that I say that if the husband has ended his affair and is seeking to keep his marriage and family intact, it makes no sense whatsoever for him to inform his wife that she has grounds for a divorce. That’s the last thing he wants or, frankly, should want.
Others emphasized that absolution requires an apology to the person you betrayed. While no Judeo-Christian-based religion condones adultery, I stand with the commenter last week who wrote this.
Confessions to a member of the clergy can certainly give one a good start on the road to fidelity in marriage. For at least the past 20 years, many Catholic priests hearing confessions of adultery have recommended psychotherapy, and have even given their parishioners the names of competent therapists.
WHY A CHASTENED ADULTERER CAN, POTENTIALLY, MAKE A BETTER SPOUSE THAN ONE WHO HAS NEVER STRAYED (NOT AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF ADULTERY)
An errant husband with a deep desire to mend his ways by understanding why he’s been vulnerable to, or even open to, extramarital temptation has the potential to become an even better husband after an affair (or after decades of affairs with numerous partners) than a non-adulterous spouse. This is not a recommendation to commit adultery. It’s just a statement of fact.
Unlike a faithful husband, an adulterer must — if only briefly — contemplate how much he’d lose if his wife learned of his extramarital conduct.
A man who has looked into the terrifying abyss of life without his partner and children is a man unlikely to take his wife for granted. He’s come too close to losing her and he knows it.
To change his ways, the adulterous husband must examine the inner triggers that have led him into adultery, be it once or serially.
Some may sneer that the “inner triggers” require no advanced degrees to decipher. The triggers consist of nothing more complex than an appealing cleavage, a lively smile, gorgeous legs, an attractive posterior, or a suggestive come-hither gaze across a crowded room.
Wrong!
Such enticements are almost everywhere. Why is a man prone to respond to one temptation, but not to all?
Through serious therapy, an individual can discover clues to when and why the urge to wander occurs. When is he most vulnerable? It may seem like a no-brainer that the reason the urge occurs is that temptation has suddenly reared its head, but the question remains: why was one vulnerable then? Or, if always vulnerable, why is one constantly at risk?
HOW POST-ADULTERY THERAPY IS LIKE RECOVERING FROM A MAJOR HEART ATTACK
The conscious decision to make a fundamental change in one’s personal life is analogous to the choice to act in a way to make a second heart attack unlikely after a first one.
By and large, when one has dodged a life-threatening bullet of any kind, one has a keener sense of gratitude for everyday reality than someone who hasn’t ever felt the soul-chilling breath of the Angel of Death hovering close, or who’s never realized how close he has come to losing his marriage. It can be sobering and life-changing.
When you’ve dodged The Big One, you know it.
As in the period after a first heart attack, when diet and exercise and other lifestyle changes must be made to avoid a second brush with death, in the time after an affair a man who wants to become a faithful husband must make a conscious decision to change his ways.
No cardiologist or heart surgeon, no matter how brilliant or learned, can keep a cheeseburger or a slice of pizza out of the hands or mouth of a man who refuses to accept that these foods will do nothing but produce fleeting, albeit intense, pleasure while also coating the interior of his arteries with life-threatening plaque.
The choice of whether to prevent another heart attack or to prevent another adulterous affair is one that only the individual can make. A choice to change one’s patterns of behavior requires high motivation and Herculean resolve. A trained physician or therapist can help, but not unless the patient feels a deep need to behave differently in order to produce a different response to the same stimulus the next time.
This advice column should be required reading for all couples, married or not. There’s more wisdom in it than anyone is likely to find in many books on the subject. Even if no adultery has taken place, this is important advice for readers no matter what their age, religion, marital status or sexual orientation.
I heartily commend Belladonna Rogers and PJ Media for writing and publishing this exemplary analysis of life as it is, not as we wish it were. It is both realistic and wise.
Exactly. OTOH, I’d add one thing. There are unfortunately a great many not very good counselors out there. Choose wisely, and switch if you have no confidence in the wisdom of your first choice.
Psychotherapy is helpful, yes, but again, this advice illustrates that Ms. Rogers’ world view is, in the Biblical sense, worldly (that’s a pejorative; see 1 John 2). It begins and ends with human ideas, and demotes the involvement of the church, the pastor, the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit to a second or third string player that might see playing time at the end of the game if the team is ahead by 40 points.
To someone with a great investment in psychotherapy (e.g, Marriage Counselor above), it reads wonderfully. It would; to a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
To someone who has come to the end of himself with all that man can do, and then has experienced a miracle of God that freed him from the chains of sin, well, it is pretty thin soup.
God is in the business of glorifying himself. Sometimes he uses psychotherapists; at other times he does the job himself. But solutions and solution-providers that do not acknowledge the healing power of God will, like the Biblical metaphor, be driven away like chaff in the wind.
Dean, you are not taking into account the question presented by the Chastened Adulterer. Ms. Rogers is not responding, in all respect, to you. She is responding to him and the many men and women like him. This is not a case where if you have a hammer all problems look like nails, as you contend. That’s a sadly narrow-minded approach that does violence to the situation. If all men and women were non-adulterers life would be different and this column could address another subject. Ms. Rogers writes that confessing to members of the clergy can be a first step. But as great as God is, He often works through men and women here on Earth. To ignore that is to ignore the many ways the Lord works his miracles. You would also like to believe that everyone is as religious as you. Even the most religious among us would agree that God helps those who help themselves, and one way they do that is through therapy. It may not be for you, but it shouldn’t be so threatening a suggestion that you reject it for one and all. You may have skipped the quotation from John Milton at the end, which is all about God. It looks as if you read the headline and went into attack mode. Your loss.
As Dean from Ohio acknowledges, psychotherapy can be helpful, but Dean is also right to emphasize the need to consider and follow God’s will, not only to find salvation if one is a believer, but also to find healing, comfort and, very importantly, rules for behavior. That is of course anathema to atheists and other sceptics, and in advice columns it is often either neglected, opposed or shunted aside with a brief, superficial mention. I don’t think that Belladonna Rogers was necessarily doing the latter. She seems more appreciative of religious belief than some other advice columnists, but I do think that the importance of faith often gets short-changed in discussions such as these.
And a potential client should shop around in order to find the right counselor. Much of psychotherapy is based upon relativism or other dogmas which can lead the client astray in the long run. I experienced this as a college student, when a university counselor with full, impressive psychotherapy credentials actively tried to lead me away from Judeo-Christian morality. It is not the only example. Interestingly, in the TV show “The Sopranos,” there was a fairly intelligent depiction of the pitfalls of relativism in counseling.
MC, Please don’t get me wrong–I support therapy; I’ve sought and used it before. I’m glad to have professionals with your skills in the profession. If I came across as in attack mode, perhaps it’s because I am jealous for the glory of God. I’m sorry!
What I’m trying to say is that a failure to put God first in worship and obedience leads directly to … adultery and other immorality (cf. Romans 1 in my comment down a ways). Adultery is idolatry–worship of myself, of my partner in adultery, of sexual pleasure, of all that in place of God. That is the root cause of adultery. Accordingly, any approach that fails to come to terms with this is greatly reduced in effectiveness and does not change the eternal issues involved.
Why do you think the 12-step programs have achieved the success they have? I can think of a number of reasons, but first and foremost is admitting that there is a God, and I am not him. Here are the original 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (per Wikipedia). There’s a lot of glorifying God going on here, don’t you think?
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
There’s a saying that God protects children and drunks. Perhaps it is because both of them are so humble, and willing to give God the glory he deserves.
Dean, would you mind toning down the proselytizing? I’m sure I’m as much of a Believer as you are, but I think it’s driving away more God-loving souls than it’s attracting. I go to church, everyday on my way to work, and on Sundays, but I don’t foist what Scripture teaches me on anyone else. I’d see it as inappropriate.
Patrick, would you tone down to religious hatred? He can say what he wants, and so can you. If you dislike it JUST because it’s based on God, that only speaks to you. If you hadn’t identified his comment as coming from God, you’d have no objection.
You think Christians aren’t allowed to express themselves, or their faith? You take offense to public displays of religion?
You are a bigot.
As a religious person myself, I’m struck by the tendency to quote the Bible rather than telling other readers what you yourself think. We’ve all studied the Bible. It doesn’t feel right for some to lecture others as if we’re lost souls. It feels inappropriate to me. We’re almost all anonymous here, so we could be ourselves and not replicas of our religious liturgies. This advice column moved from the specific question to a larger essay on human failings and ways of recovering from giving into our baser instincts. I thought the comparison of life after an affair to life after a heart attack was a useful analogy. It certainly spoke to me. While I haven’t been in therapy Belladonna explains why it can be a helpful addition to a sinner’s efforts to overcome sinful tendencies. I hope she writes more columns on difficult subjects like this. I also hope more comments will reveal readers’ own thoughts instead of quoting words that aren’t their own, no matter how deeply they believe them. I believe them, too, but for me, that’s something I wouldn’t think of foisting on other readers in an online forum on a secular site. It would be nice to have less proselytizing and more personal perspectives.
This article seems to ignore men and women who acknowledge those demons up front. Not all faithful spouses are beneficiaries of chance wherein the spouse has simply not encountered the temptation of his/her triggers. For myself at least, I am faithful precisely because I contemplated my life without my wife. That’s one reason why I committed to her in the first place. A non adulterer is not some less wise fool who has stumbled through a successful relationship. Remaining faithful is an active choice which requires one to recognize ones own shortcomings, realize the damage they can cause and find a way to control them. If this were not the case and the only way to address your “triggers” and to fully realize what you could lose, to become a better spouse was to become an adulterer there would be previous few reasons not to do so.
But as it stands, adulterers are not victims of triggers of which the faithful are somehow ignorant. They are people who didn’t address their shortcomings and take the proper perspective up front and now have the burden of hindsight.
Like Dean from Ohio, you seem unwilling to recognize that this column responded to the question of one adulterer who, unlike you, did not contemplate his extramarital acts beforehand. You are to be commended for your foresight. Not everyone has your gift for it. I read the entire article and, in all respect to you, I didn’t see any implication that faithful men and women “stumble” like “some less wise fool”s into fidelity, only that those less far-sighted than you stumbled into adultery, not realizing how much they stood to lose.
Dean from Ohio in Comment #2 writes, “God is in the business of glorifying himself.”
So He created the world in order to glorify Himself? Sounds like an egomaniac whose plans did not quite turn out the way He expected. (See Paradise Lost) A God that is Self-Aggrandizing is just as obnoxious to me as person who is self-aggrandizing.
Why is God so interested in glorifying himself? Is he some kind of egomaniac like Hitler or Napoleon or Donald Trump? I hate this view of God. It reminds of the line I heard somewhere that “maybe the reason it’s so hard to love God is that He’s not very lovable.”
In recovery from addiction, I’ve had to learn to get rid of your nauseating view of God and develop my own understanding of a God who is actually loving and caring.
I had similar thoughts, Markus.
Two favorite quotes:
God is not an overgrown man. (Joel Goldsmith)
God made me to show forth His goodness, and to share with Him the happiness of heaven. (Lesson 1, Question 3, Why did God make me? “The Baltimore Catechism”)
What are those words, “nearer to thee than breathing, closer than hands and feet”? Actually a pretty humble stance, at least while we’re here. IMHO, the glory stuff comes later.
Most certainly.
God is Infinite Love.
God created the finite to know you, to talk with you.
The Bible does teach that the end result of everything in the universe is, in fact, the glory of God.
Sinful man does not “get” this or appreciate it, and in fact strongly revolts against it. But that is a defect in men and women, not in God.
Over the years, I’ve thought a lot about the propriety of God praising himself. Here are some thoughts that help me, with my limited and damaged (i.e., fallen) human understanding, come to terms with it.
1. God humbled himself infinitely more than any human. If there are any contests of humility, God, in the person of Jesus, gets a clean sweep of every award. Philippians chapter 2 describes how Jesus emptied himself to be born as a human infant, and then humbled himself to a shameful death on the cross–for you and for me.
2. God is so beautiful that the only proper response is to acknowledge his glory in every possible way. Once, when I was single, I saw a breathtakingly beautiful woman, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen to that point. All I could think of was, “I can’t believe how beautiful she is!” My words failed me, but I would have gladly tried to praise her beauty if that would have been acceptable in the time & place (it wasn’t, so I kept quiet). That is how each of us would feel if we really saw God for who he is, and what he has done. Such an outpouring toward Jesus took place at his entry into Jerusalem, and little kids, who don’t get nauseated at the truth and beauty of God, led the way. In this universe, the only being of perfect beauty is God, and the proper response for everything in creation is to praise him forever, not to build his ego (as if he had one) but because is it true.
3. A God who does not glorify himself is not the God of the scriptures and is an idol. Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 1, states that people who rebel against the idea of a God who deserves glory start–right there–a long slide toward moral perversion:
“For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.”
The right response to realizing one has taken this course is humble repentance.
By the way, just because someone doesn’t accept religious truth doesn’t make it less true or less necessary. Just because someone doesn’t believe that Jesus is the only way to salvation doesn’t make Jesus not the only way. We ought to proclaim the truth, and then realize that alternatives short of it are exactly that: short of the truth, with correspondingly smaller and less enduring results. Counseling without God can be helpful, but it can’t fix the real problems that will, without God’s intervention, determine one’s eternity.
thanks for your thoughts dean on glorification of God. i appreciate you taking my viewpoint seriously. i’ll think about what you wrote.
You’re welcome. On my part, I hope & pray for your every success. We will all benefit from it.
I don’t know…Bella mia.
For my part, adultery is the ultimate betrayal. I would not, and have not…ever…considered the notion that I could slap my family in the face and then remain silent about it because it might “hurt” the chance of “keeping” a relationship intact.
If I thought so little of my relationship in the first place, if I spit on my word as a man, my vows as a husband, …what it says about me, is that thereafter lying about it (which would be absolutely necessary, by half-truths, omissions and continued obfuscations) would be the least of my character flaws.
Any man who cheats on his family, is half a man. You have an obligation to be someone of honor, character, and trustworthiness.
It is true that people fall from grace in a myriad of ways. And, no…perfection is not attainable.
But, adultery is a pre-meditated act. Unless one believes in the story that you can trip and fall into a lifeboat or a stranger’s genitals…if you have a conscience, you don’t commit adultery by accident.
And…it is a betrayal of your duties as a husband (and father), a role model for your family…and as a man.
Not confessing…because you want to “spare” your wife (and children) is a great place for a coward to hide. Bringing a third person into your bedroom, with potential for disease, distrust, distortion…is not merely a fall from grace.
It is a plunge into disgrace. Serial cheaters are not in a marriage, they are in a conquest tournament.
If I ever chose to betray my honor…my biggest loss would be the ones to whom I had committed by sacred word and honor. But, if you are any kind of man at all…it would also be the loss of you, yourself. If you define yourself as a man of honor, no matter how many relationships you had in the future, you would carry around the knowledge that you gave away that definition…for a cheap roll in the hay.
It’s much to give…at least for some. For others…it’s an atavistic notion.
For them, living up to your own standards is a sucker’s play.
And betrayal…is simply part of the game of life. It’s the getting caught that needs to be avoided, not the betrayal.
And betrayal as a loss of one’s honor…is never confronted. How convenient.
I could not bear the thought of losing my family’s trust, I could not live without them…or WITH myself. Sorry, Bella mia…I simply do not agree with the logic of your conclusions, if I understand them correctly.
Bleachers–thanks for giving an eloquent and thorough answer here. The assertion you should continue to live a lie after you have cheated on your spouse has bothered me since I read it. Honor is a gift a man gives to himself–it can never be taken away, only lost. You can never regain what you lost by living a lie.
Living that lie, or pain, or whatever you choose to call it, is your punishment for your actions. Putting a spouse in pain for a” principle” is, well, a misguided principle.
Why would you do this to an innocent party? For a principle? To inflict this level of pain so that you can live a “principled” life is a lie, because you’re not principled if you cheat and you can’t get it back through confession.
It’s who you are whether you like it or not.
Man-up! Keep your mouth shut and wear the pain of cheating as your punishment, it’s another link your chain of offenses. To willfully inflict pain on a spouse through confession is the epitome thoughtlessness, conceit to the nth degree.
First betray, then pile on by confession. Seriously cf, nothing personal but don’t ever cheat and spread the misery: that verges on sadomasochism.
I am with you, Chiefparker. Albeit it’s true that if one cheats on their spouse, they have betrayed a trust. But if one wishes to mend the ways & become faithful once again, one would have a very difficult time if they had confessed & destroyed that trust in an effort to rebuild it again. Remember too, chances are that once the trust has been broken, there will always be the shadow of doubt there even if the cheating spouse vows never to wander off again into another person’s arms. IMO, it takes far more courage to press on & keep the affair under wraps than to drag one’s partner into a mess that the cheater should be willing to clean up on their own (with outside help if necessary, of course).
Dear cfbleachers,
My marriage ended due to the infidelity of my ex-wife. And I was even willing to make an attempt at forgiveness and reconciliation. So, let me give you a little perspective:
The hard truth is that the infidelity of my wife began even while we were engaged. I don’t mean that she had physical affairs with other men throughout our relationship. That is not true. What I mean is that even while we were dating and engaged, she remained open to the advances of other men, and even sought their attention. This is the root of the infidelity that finally emerged in a physical form 17 years, and 3 kids into the marriage.
The pervasive and debilitating form this took in our marriage was that she constantly compared me to other men, and found me lacking. I remember vividly the feeling of fighting against a ghost, a etheral image of the perfect man. Because if I had been able to confront each individual man she compared me against, I am confident that I could have pointed out the flaws they possessed which would have invalidated her comparison. While certainly not flawless myself, I have quite a few redeeming qualities which caused my ex-wife to choose me above other men in the first place.
But the reality is that I could not refute her comparisons because I rarely knew the men she compared me against, and even when I did, I saw no value is disparaging an unsuspecting innocent man who she was merely using to denigrate me. Instead, for a few years, I tried to accomodate the changes in me that she demanded. But ulitimately, not only was I unable to change sufficiently to please her, but I came to resent her for wanting me to change who I was.
When I stopped trying to accomodate her, things got even worse. I got to the point of accepting emotional and verbal abuse quietly – even while my own children demanded to know why I allowed her to get away with treating me so badly. It was at this point that she finally succumbed to the temptation to act on her urges, and have a physical affair with a guy at work.
And here is where your demand for full disclosure comes up short. The only reason she confessed to the affair was to hurt me even further. She had beaten me down so much that she supposed that I would just take it. I kicked her out of the house, instead. That is when she started getting the bill for almost $1700/month in child support, and it opened up her eyes. Also, being denied daily access to the children shocked her.
I loved my wife throughout this whole process. And when her lover called me to apologize for what he had done, and refused to have anything more to do with her, she asked for a second chance. I thought maybe this is the moment she will begin to confront the underlying issue of not being fully committed to having me as the man in her life. But I was simultaneously devastated by her betrayal. So it was a very difficult situation.
The question for me was whether her contrition was real or not. And very quickly, she proved that it was not. Instead, she tried to blame me for her desire to stray. And I responded rather vehemently that she had been betraying me from the very beginning of our relationship, and the physical manifestation of that betrayal was just a offshoot of the real problem – her insatiable need for the attention of other men, and her pursuit of perfection.
Unfortunately for me, her affair resulted in a promotion to Vice President and a doubling of her salary into the mid-six figure range. The courts decided that she should have the children, the house, and about $250,000.00 of my money. To say this was beyond devestating would not come close to describing the pain I went through, and still bear the scars of today – 5 years later.
But her “confession” did nothing to help the situation. And for those Christians who would offer advice, in addition to being an Engineering Manager for a large firm, I was the Men’s Ministry Director at my church. I am still committed to my faith in Christ, while my ex-wife has completely abandoned her faith. Her birthday was this past Tuesday (yes, Valentine’s Day), and Sunday, when I picked up my youngest child to go to church with me, I took the time to invite her to come – even if it means me sitting alone on the other side of the church – so that at least she would come back to God, if not to me. She thanked me for the invitation, but declined.
While my son and youngest daughter have remained in the faith with me. My older daughter has taken the path of her mother, and become a wild sorority girl in college. Maybe that would have happened anyway. But when the courts awarded her mother custody over me, and it seems to her that her mother’s ways were rewarded with all the marital assets, plus a big raise and promotion at work, it is difficult to get her to see that “being good” is the best choice.
I once thought that infidelity was the worst betrayal, until my spouse betrayed all of our beliefs and principles in a much worse way. There is a way back after adultery by repudiating the extramarital experience and repenting. Imagine if your spouse embezzled from your church, or joined a cult, or publicly discredited two decades of work that you did together. You would wish for mere adultery.
It’s a conundrum. I don’t like either answer. The spouse might become better, but it’s still living a lie. The real question I think is, “Would you want to know?”
I’d rather know the truth, and that is the deal I have with my partner — that she’d tell. I said adultery doesn’t just happen — there are lots of decisions beforehand and it’s information that’s withheld early on that leads to adultery.
For example, long story made short (it involved a flood), circumstances once required me to share a small, one-room vacation house with a beautiful woman for the night. I called my lady and told her the situation. That’s not something she would want to hear about afterward, but telling her upfront defused any potential trouble, both for that night and afterward. We laughed about it.
Anyway, in these cases, you need to find someone with wisdom who can counsel you. If your spouse is such that they’d rather endure the pain of the truth than be hoodwinked while you become a better spouse on your own, you ought to know that. I would rather know the truth, no matter what the cost. It happened to me twice — both times the truth came out. But I respect the truth more than I would if there were times I wasn’t told about.
Ultimately, it’s a question that you ask each other early in the relationship. I always do — do you want to know and will you tell? I make it clear I am owed the truth. She has the same answer. We agree.
Applause, CFBleachers.
I have to agree with the marriage counselor that this column is fantastic and deals with reality. My ex had an affair and at the time I was unable to see it for what it was so I lived in denial, even though signs were around. I was trusting, and needed to live in denial so I could function and take care of my children. If he had admitted the affair it would’ve served no positive purpose because the marriage was going to survive or fail on its merits. It failed. Years later we are amicable and excellent co-parents and he is married to his affair. Life goes on, and yes, the smart ones learn from their mistakes through introspection, the others keep repeating their mistakes.
Also, I’d like to add that those who seem so quick to judge others’ motives and swear they’d never cheat may have no clue how horrible it is to be married to the wrong person.
Just because your marriage is good, don’t assume you know how hard it is for other people.
Everyone is unique, so every relationship is unique squared. The use of the term “cheat” always amuses me, who is cheater the one who sallies forth to get what’s needed, or the one who denies what’s needed to the one they “love”?
I was skeptical of marriage councilors untill I went to one about a quarter of a century ago. Ever since I’ve wished I’d just manned up and followed his advice to cut my loses and divorce. Statistically, I’m sure there are people out there, somewhere who get what they need from marriage, but my bet it is’s way out at the end of the bell curve.
Depends on what you mean by “what’s needed.” Your spouse has exclusive right to have sexual relations with you, and it is a right with a reciprocal responsibility to have sexual relations with you.
I’ve read both of these advice columns and the majority of comments on them. and I have seen only 4 that have actually lived it. I’ve seen good advice from people and I’ve seen a lot of uninformed, judgmental name-calling, as well as a lot of holier-than-thou, “I would NEVER” crap from a lot of people. Most of which is meant to be “supportive”. It’s interesting that there are so many that can read minds. Several have said that those that cheat don’t love the other person and are effectively ending the relationship. To them I would say, you don’t have the right to decide what people are thinking unless you’ve been there and what you’re saying is based on how you are thinking from your side of the fence. I did love my wife and love her more now than ever.
Having been in this situation and having told my wife about it 2 years after it was over, I can tell you that Adultery Is Bad. Telling Your Spouse Is Worse, is true in most cases. I believe a lot of it has to do with the couple’s relationship with God.
DISCLAIMER: I was in the wrong I know it. I accept full responsibility for my actions and the repercussions thereof. I asked for and was given forgiveness by my wife AND God. Nothing I say or do will change what I’ve done.
I was told by more than pastors that they wouldn’t have suggested to me to admit it unless confronted with it, and by the marriage counselor we went to. They all came with a caveat: Unless the Holy Spirit prompt you to do it. I would agree with all the reasons not to tell her otherwise. My wife has made the statement that she is glad I told her
Here are the benefits to having admitted my fault: 1) My wife now knows everything about me and about the problems that we faced in our marriage. 2) It allows me greater transparency in our marriage because she still checks my phone whenever she wants and I am expected (so is she) to be able to account for the daily schedule. The admission happened over 10 years ago. 3) Not that I was trying for this or wanted to put her through it, but she learned a VERY hard lesson about forgiveness and the need for it (these are things we’ve talked about, not just my words) as well as the need to NOT bottle things up. Communication fixes lots of things.
As to the question of whether or not one can still be a better spouse, you’d have to ask my wife. We separated for nearly a year, during which time she was determined to divorce me. She began dating and bought a house, but the whole time, both of us were attempting to discover what God’s will for our marriage was. That was 2003. We are still married and even more happily so. It wasn’t easy and there are still things that we have to deal with from time to time. Jealousy, hurt, anger, and distrust all occasionally raise their ugly heads, but we deal with them and try to keep God central in our lives. We have children and they know something happened but I don’t think we’ve ever explained it, but we will. They are both boys and they need to understand what leads to something like this happening and how to avoid it. It also led me to change professions and take up social work, eventually to do couple’s counseling.
This is NOT advice I would give someone pre-affair because it sounds like permission in that context, but I would give it, based on the person.
That’s the long way of saying your spouse doesn’t trust you and somehow it makes your marriage more intimate…
Brother…you are needy!
Get behind me, Satan! Why must you harass Christians after they have repented of their offenses?
Jesus said “Get behind me Satan” speaking to Peter.
Are you comparing yourself to Jesus?
Tom could have stated his position simpler, that’s all…
How about Adulterers Anonymous; regular group meetings, mea culpas, public abasement. Maybe not; probably would degenerate in a stag session. There must be a 12 step program out there to handle this. Here’s a clue; if you need deep introspection and professional assistance to alter adulterous behaviour, it ain’t gonna happen. Most adults can distinguish right from wrong. If you do, but engage in wrongful behaviour you are a scoundrel.
sounds like a great place to pick up chicks
Man, what a way to harsh my morning! I was at the local elementary helping the teacher, b/c I love seeing what she does with her class. Today, this meant sitting with little boys as they wrote out Valentine’s Day cards. They needed help with focussing on the task at hand. And, they needed to know why some letters are big, and some are little. In first grade, they think any letter that gets said more loudly- the emphasis at the start of a syllable gets capitalized. They’d write their friends names in all big letters, to show enthusiasm. So, I had to explain their teacher has her way of writing, and they show respect to her, by writing all in a line. One kid was motivated to write correctly b/c the kids might have a hard time reading it, and need to ask their older brothers or sisters for help reading, and get yelled at. He was all about rescuing the little princesses in his class from their dragonny big brothers and ogreish big sisters. He was being Prince Charming with a pencil!
And all of the girls in the class came dressed for Valentines- pink, red, hearts, the works.
Sigh.
Hokay, the question is not ” abstract female seeks abstract faithful male with which to perform the faithful marital dance.” It’s that a particular faithless partner wonders if this particular relationship can be saved, and furthermore- is there any upside? Or is it a grey, depressing grind of Swedish meatballs, too-small sensible cars, itchy socks, third-rate shared comedies, generic menthol shaving cream, until he dies of intense loneliness and sexual frustration?
The guy felt entitled to the affair- his life was drab, dull, uninteresting, tasted of cardboard. He felt trapped, suffocated, entitled to break free, even for a while. Not enough broken free to go all out- but enough for an afternoon here and there. That’s a small sense of entitlement, to be honest. It’s kind of grimy, and more than a little silly. It’s why affairs on tv are always staged at no-tell motels. I can think of exactly one no-tell motel in town, and that’s only b/c I’ve read about it in the paper. Where are these people really hanging out, when they are getting it on? Usually some place nicer. But the visuals have to match the emotional temperature, which is grimy. But still- it’s small, like an ice cream cone, not the gallon tub. It’s a small, careful indulgence, not a leap into the unknown. So, obviously, he’s not that entitled or big ego- ish, or out of control. Remember- the wife is still there. The guy is a good liar- so he’s not looking ecstatically happy. He’s just humming a little warmer, is all.
So, our hapless female marries a charismatic man. She’s drawn to him. He’s exciting, alluring, seductive. She marries him. He has secrets and compartments in his life, already- that private hotel first exists in his head, before ever being manifest in his life, and with a guest to boot. He’s not open and sharing. Then, somehow it changes. He becomes distracted, distant, far away. He blames work. She thinks- ah! He’s working so hard to succeed! Which may be true. She has kids- they consume her emotional strength. He’s neglected, as he ought to be, as she struggles to keep the kids alive and healthy.
We have near universal non- mortality for children. It’s not just a happenstance of antibiotics. The rate of child mortality drops any time you have mothers at home, consumed with their children’s care. It happened in pre-Industrial Revolution England first. It happened in Puritan New England second. So- the man can see her as abandoning him, or he can see that she has dedicated her life to his most successful sperm. It went from a wiggly little capsule, to someone walking around, getting addressed by name. We hope it’s the second- that he can see that she loves him more in all sorts of ways, caring for the kids.
He cannot see this if he’s the sort to have affairs. It’s a failure of empathy and imagination. He can’t see what her heart looks like, or what she might be thinking. He’s mind-blind, autistic in some really basic ways.
That’s where therapy comes in. He can feel guilty and forswear all sorts of behaviors, squash them down into a little box and get heartburn all he likes. This is akin to a dry- drunk. His wife isn’t getting much benefit out of this. He sees her as the obstacle to his ecstasy. He feels superior to her, he pities her- she has no titanic passions, he has titanic passions that he has forswore for her sake. Pilgrim’s Progress- the guy’s married, and ditches his wife to walk to Heaven. The second book is less convincing, where the author remembers the wife and kids. So- you don’t need an actual affair to be this self- dramatizing, you don’t even need to be non- Christian. You could be— perfectly in the mainstream, and still cold as a fish, self-centered and a drama king.
Belladonna Rogers says “Take a different approach.” Accept that you have attitudes and sensibilities that make it easy to stray from your chosen path. Get to know them. Which means, get to know yourself accountably. Which is really hard. Which is why some people train for nearly a decade to simply start, and they don’t think they’ve achieved mastery for decades, plural. Psychologists and psychiatrists- the good ones- spend decades learning how to listen and respond at a very deep level. We can make jokes about the ones who aren’t any good- but the very good ones are near greatness, on the level of any sage, guru, saint, anything..
So, this exciting, seductive, mysterious person has committed his life to one woman. For whatever reason, she’s vulnerable to his charms, rather than laughing at him as a sleazy, fake loser. We can assume that she, too, has thorns in her past, that make her caught in his rosebush. When he begins to change, with the new mindfulness, new openness, new vulnerability, willingness to tell his truths to her, willingness to trust her, trust any process…she’s freed from the dangerous thorn bush, too. She can change,too. They can change together.
But it’s not smooth or easy or obvious or choreographed. So, it has off- balance moments. They both learn to trust the process called “marriage.” It will look and feel more true than a faked copy of a marriage. That’s the best case scenario- they both learn.
Most weaknesses are strengths that have been blunted or mal-formed. Perhaps that sexual energy needs to be poured into the marriage after fear of babies? Maybe there’s a sense of adventure that needs to be shared with the wife. Maybe there’s a need for confessing and openness without stuff getting re-brought up later? Maybe the smell of heavily bleached white sheets at hotels is more erotic than printed, long-lasted poly/cotton sheets from the wedding shower….who knows?
And, well, maybe the new, vulnerable guy is not what she likes. Now- there’s risk. He might get made fun of- think Rachel getting bored with Bruce Willis, her boyfriend on Friends. He opened up, and she left in disgust. I’m inclined to think that a marriage would be different, b/c she’s already signed on the dotted line.
So, this guy could be known to the woman who loves his broken self already, and now she gets introduced to his healed self, bit by bit, as he tries it out. She, too, changes. He marries a broken woman, too. She heals, along with him, in her own way.
It gets repeated a lot: when we meet our spouse in heaven, we would bow down in awe at their splendor. This is just practicing for that, trying to become, little by litle, an earthly version of that.
If someone is injured in their soul- they think that perfection looks like being someone else- some other soul- being silent themselves. It’s a much,much harder notion- the person we are- is the seed of a perfection already. Seeds split open, and change. They get consumed and transformed. Nobody willingly signs up for this. A forsworn sin is simply a note that it might be time to consider that first work- confession, a counsellor, therapy, honesty, humility, empathy, kindness.
and I do wish ya’ll would quit thinking going to church was a universal solvent. God does miracles on his own time and schedule. Demanding to be healed on a schedule, no muss no fuss, might not be the best plan he’s got in mind.
And second, God loved David above all others- and that boy had britches issues like nobody’s business. We still make paintings of his hotties- anybody want to link to bathsheba getting ready, by rubens?- why would someone think they were better than David, or had it easier?
and third, quoting scripture- frosting can go on bricks, frosting can go on cakes. It’s just frosting. It’s better to have the verse inside your heart and mind, than on your tongue, whipping someone else into shape.
and fourth, maybe the pastor knows his own dark heart, and is willing that the person get the best care- by seeking another psychologist. Pastors get swept up in affairs based on- they want to rescue vulnerable, seductive, charged people. They want to be the guy in the white hat, too, you know? Maybe that’s where that advice is coming from. I don’t know that pastors get full psych training. The secondary pastor at our church is usually a psychologist by profession, but I attend a church with a lot of staff. Psychologists explicitly train to avoid affairs- they get a big, hairy eyeball look at transference. Pastors might not.
and fifth- that vulnerable, charged, seductive person? If they’ve succeeded before- they are snakey. They have practice snaring the innocent. it’s worth shipping them off to hardcore professionals. they might not even be sent to a regular psychologist, but maybe someone who’s made their bones on folks with erotic obsessions, stalker obsessions, and so on. I can think of one woman who managed to wreck two pastors, a judge, a hospital administrator, a surgeon, a military guy, and the FBI got called in on a law student…. that’s one woman. I’m leaving out some of her other victims. But- you have to be impressed by the range and ferocity. For most guys- that was their only fall from fidelity. Her specialty was other women’s men.
There’s at least one law case where the entire staff at her trial had to be women, b/c she set up erotic fixations on men. It was in Vanity Fair, I think.
I have to say, you have a keen eye for details, and you assemble and construct seemingly unrelated details into a refreshingly original point of view.
I think you’re a talented writer with interesting things to say – do you have a blog? If so, please include the website address on your comments to PJ Media. No pressure… after all, the Fitzgeralds and Hemingway didn’t even have access to free blogging platforms. :~)
oh, gosh, what an amazing compliment!
I come hang out at Belladonna’s house party once a week or so, so I can “e-dress up and e-wear high heel shoes and e- talk to people and e-have a glass of something interesting to drink .” You can scroll through most of her archives, if you’re curious. The how- to-meet mr or mrs right is the first set of me talking my head off.
I write, and if you’re a publisher- belladonna has my email( cough, write her, cough, write her- she’ll hook us up) – and if not- an as yet unpublished writer is just a mean thing to inflict on another human being, sort of like insisting someone go to a kids piano recital, or sit in the stands at any track event on a Texas’ summer day.
and- thank you! You made my day!
Hemingway would have loved to blog. His private letters show him to be such a bombastic jack@$$ with a modicum of know-how that is so perfect for blogs.
Fitzgerald would tweet, don’t you think?
Most of my friends are writers, and they are pretty certain that the first step is write the book, and all the Michael Cera fighting ninja- ex-boyfriends emotional drama that that entails, and then go for blog ice-cream. Otherwise, there’s this hiccup in one’s writing: about every thousand words one tries to put in an endearing Montaigne essay ending high point- even though there’s, like ten thousand far less endearing words to hike through to get to a point. sort of like sticking Hello, kitty stickers on soldier back-packs. and since they’ve got books, and I don’t, I tend to believe them.
97% of writers are aspiring. Three percent actually finish. It’s a bigantic hurdle, until you’re over it, I’m told. Fran Leibowitz dresses up like Oscar Wilde and gives lecturss on the 97% side, while, say Stephanie Pearl-McPhee has written six or so books, one on the NYTimes bestseller list, so she’s in the 3%. She sounds far less nasty, doctrinaire and confident than Ms Liebowitz. My writing about get to know your failings isn’t nasty gossip, it’s me in the mirror. I’d rather be Ms Pearl- Mcphee, than Ms Liebowitz.
well…
you’re the writer.
so, where is a blog about your ideas, c’mon?
I searched for “free blogs” on this date (Feb. 17, ’12) and the top of the list said: http://wordpress.com/
in which I explain why unpublished writers should not be let out in polite company….
I’ve a book that I’ve been working on for about nine months. In that time, my friend who actually knows what she is doing, has taught four classes- got a shout-out as one of the best teachers in America, painted the living room, painted the dining room chairs, set in a garden, organized her house,made an even dozen elaborate skirts, made clothes to supplement her kids uniforms, attended mass weekly,made all handmade Christmas presents, hosted her family for week-long gatherings- repeatedly- and, oh yeah, wrote and published a book.
In nine months, I did a bunch of research about things I don’t know- which, turns out, is par for the course for a writer- nobody actually “writes what they know”- (didn’t know that, felt stupid having to research)( and felt stupid that it wasn’t all completely obvious to me- I had to figure out what it meant-no syllabus) and my friend who has five books to his credit wrote another manuscript, won an award for it, researched his next book, hiked the Grand Canyon, visited ?Italy?Russia? it runs together in total awesome adventurousness,got a promotion at work, put his factory into turnaround, and ditched the erotic writer girlfriend, picked up the PhD physicist with an interest in black leather miniskirts and 4 inch high heels, souped up one of his many awesome sports-cars, put another car in an art-car parade,emceed an award show for writers,and Oh- did I mention-wrote an award-winning manuscript and research on another book that sounds like it totally rocks?
my other two friends with single books wrote blogs, and um….wrote blogs. sucky ones.
and yes, I do have all sorts of highly competent, rocking awesome friends and if I don’t deliver this book, I will probably lose all my friends and most definitely my self-respect.
and yes, it’s not the content- it’s me.sitting down.writing. this thing. which really is Michael Cera fights off all the weird little Ninjas that are just chinese food delivery bicycle boys to anyone else in the world. They’re my evil ninjas to battle. and it sucks. But, Tom Clancy is a patron saint of writing, and he talks about this sort of thing- and we all know he succeeded, and that he wants us to succeed, and that he’ll kick ass Jack Ryan-style on all our little demons, ninjas, and banana-peels. And yes, I do keep a face up of one of his paperbacks, with his photo where I can see it, when I need help. Amanda Hocking can’t write without Christian Bale glaring at her. She’s doing okay.
and I whine alot when I’m in the middle of something being less than easy. nobody needs to see that. I got told to drop out of college, when I was whining about school- that’s how bad it is. And I had to back up and explain- I’m in the number one program in the country, and they are trying to flunk us all out, and I’m doing work that private companies run by people with higher degrees than me don’t even understand, and I’m doing something kind of strange in it, in the first place, and normally most poor college kids don’t need Japanese research papers translated for a wonky little experiment summary, and that the prof is being a dick—and I finally did drop out, anyway.
nobody needs to see that. I’m not even too thrilled with it, and it’s in my head. I have to live with me. Nobody else really should, except under legal obligation. I’d like to succeed at something in my life, that I can say in polite company. which means- I wrestle myne owne demons instead of whining in public. or cutting corners, or behaving like a failure. or walking around like the entire rest of the 97%.
I’ve been blessed with a pretty particular education. I’ve been blessed with being able to notice something no one else noticed. I’ve been blessed with something that holds together solidly, which isn’t always the case, when building a thesis. I’ve been blessed with the ability to line up words in complete sentences. If this doesn’t come to fruition- it’s me, not anything else- me- that has failed. I don’t want that. I’ve had that enough already.
see? enough navel lint to light a candle.
See? any reasonable person has picked up their drink and started sidling away.
I like it that I get to get, at least mentally, dressed and hair-brushed, and lipstick on and go talk to other people, here at Belladonna’s House Party of Pain Solutions. And everyone else is doing the same thing, too, just like a good French weekly salon. There’s even advertisements for super-high heels, so I can imagine I’m wearing them, rather than sensible mom shoes.
Are you aware that throughout your article you repeatedly identify the adulterer as the man?
In the second paragraph, you must have missed reading this:
Note: To avoid the awkward “his/her,” “himself/herself” phrasing, I’ll refer to “him” in this column, by which I intend to include “her.” Whenever I refer to a “husband” and his conduct toward his wife, it applies equally to a wife’s conduct toward her husband, or any partner’s behavior toward his or her partner.
While I found Miss Rogers’ article full of good advice about the value of therapy in preventing adultery, I take issue with her statement that, after therapy for his stammering, King George VI “became, along with his wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, an inspiring speaker to the British and the Allies throughout the long, arduous war.” George VI would have been quite content to appease Hitler, and Churchill was not among his top choices for Prime Minister. For that matter, he would have preferred Churchill not having been appointed First Lord of the Admiralty in 1939 (actually being reappointed as Churchill had been First Lord from 1911 to 1915).
The main problem George VI had with Hitler, was that Hitler wouldn’t stay appeased, and I’m not sure when G realized that.
Ahh, but G’s marriage was pretty good and that was about all he reigned over…
MOS was 82charlie
Bravo, it takes a very smart, well actually more than smart, very wise and sensitive person to take the position that Belladonna has taken. I agree 100% with her logic and the feelings for others shown in this advice column.
BRAVO
here is a little trick on how to stay faithful. Take your last 2 or 3 conversations with your spouse and imagine having them with your fornicatee.
If you can stomach that, then you are having a competing relationship, an affair not a one-night stand fling.
IMHO this is a whole different ball of wax and to be forgiven, one would have to expose it
Unchastened and unchaste I suppose.
My advice, although from the opposite perspective, is not that different from the author’s. If you are cheating on your wife because you don’t love her, the proper path is, sadly, divorce.
If you don’t love the “other woman”, you are doing everyone, yourself included, a severe disservice and should probably, yes, stop right now. And get therapy.
Some men are dealt aces; a very lucky or very unlucky man falls in love with two women. At some astronomical extremity of good or bad fortune, he passes his life with both.
I just spent Valentines Day in bed with my other woman. I had seen her for six month and I probably won’t get to see her again for another six — and that’s painful. We will probably never walk hand-in-hand in public and that’s painful too. Our relationship is a fat little porcupine covered with these painful realities. But would I have missed the day with her to avoid six months of missing her herself? Of course not: what I get from it, from her, is disproportionately huge.
To answer JT McKee’s question: my last two or three converstions with her have been almost indentical to my last few with my wife: how the kids are doing in school (different kids, of course — like me and my wife, she and her husband have two teenaged children), how work is going, the health of various relatives.
I guess you could call it an “competing relationship”, but in another sense it’s complementary. I have to KNOW that I love my wife, else staying away from the other woman as much as I do to makes no sense — and vice versa. How often do YOU have ask yourself how much you love your wife or girlfriend? For me, that question gets asked, and I have to answer, every day.
You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.
No, here is real love:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I’m sorry you are content with a counterfeit.
Poem source: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13&version=NIV1984
see my comment to you earlier in the thread. this is what we hear at all the weddings we go to. all well and good but consider the feelings of others.
You want your proverbial cake & eat it too. Does your wife know you see this other woman? Does the other woman’s husband know about you? My guess is “no” to both queries. What you’re doing is a recipe for disaster. JMO.
Wow you’re so proud of that you’re pulling off an affair that you call it loving two women! You may love both but you respect neither.
Having been cheated on, and having ended the marriage because of it, I offer this advice, quoting Covey, “Begin with the end in mind.” If you know you will tell the trugh about the affair, or it will be revealed despite you, then you may be more reluctant to start it. I am glad my first wife told me the truth, so that I only wasted the previous eight years rather than those that might have followed. My second wife has been a blessing.
Congratulations on the blessing of your second marriage. If your first wife had wanted to stay with you, she would have been smart to take the advice in this article. It seems she didn’t, so you were both lucky to lose “only” eight years together.
What about affairs where there hasn’t been any sex or other physical touching? The internet has created emotional affairs that some say are just as detrimental as a physical affair to a marriage. Should these be confessed?
We’re all talking like affairs are in this breathless, two- person bubble. There are other stakeholders!
Kids- kids don’t necessarily know about the affair. Family Court is brutal in the same way a beaten cur dog is brutal. It is not the worst fate to be bored for the 15 years or so, until the kid leaves the house, to protect that child from adult follies. The most evil woman I know used her kids as props in Family Court. It was pretty spectacular.
or- say- neighbors. the couple usually loses their peer group, b/c there is very little tolerance of hound-dogs, either sex. It threatens their marriage, or offends their sense of decency. The skunk costs the innocent one a social circle.
I love my husband. I know he’s a good man. He works hard. He’s caring, compassionate, generous, extremely charming, handsome, debonair, has a great job. He can fix cars and do all the handyman work at home, goes to church with me, is intellectually stimulating, a total outdoorsman, and also loves the finer things in life — trips to Europe, nice cars, homes, etc. Only thing lacking is a sex life with him. I’m lucky if we do it 5 times in a year. Not that he’s getting it elsewhere or that he’s not attracted to me. He knows I’m human and have needs (but probably more so than the average). We talk about this openly, but the truth is, his body is aging. My husband is older than me and has had some serious medical problems — due to his discipline, though, was able to beat diabetes, just to give you an idea of what he’s made of. However, for our problem (or, rather, MY problem), he’s gone to doctors, but their solutions (Viagra, therapy, etc.) have been short-lived and have not fixed the problem. We’ve tried everything. It’s just not happening.
Lust is powerful, and sex with someone other than your spouse or partner, is, yes, the ultimate betrayal. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, and I don’t want to live a lie. I’ve always been the breadwinner in the family, thanks to a great career path that I chose early on and worked hard to achieve. To avoid getting hung up on being sexless, I’ve kept myself busy not only with my job, but also with helping others in need (the poor and disadvantaged), Republican/conservative causes, lots of reading and blogging, trying out different recipes, etc. I have many male friends and colleagues because of work and my position, and my husband accepts that. With ease, I am able to talk to men of any age about sports, politics, music, investment possibilities, what’s going on in Syria, you name it. I’ve distanced myself or managed to modify the dynamics of my relationship with some men who’ve gotten the wrong idea and want more than friendship or a professional association. But lately, I have to say it’s been really difficult with 1 particular person. We have to work closely with one another on projects, so that commonality and the intrigue (and my years of deprivation) are what breeds these wild thoughts and desires. I read years ago that God and religion are the best psychiatrists. I say they are the best detriment to unnecessary dilemmas and challenges that one brings on to himself, just from the sheer fear of going to hell for committing sin or for suffering some horrible fate due to karma (we all know that what comes around, goes around and that we should treat others the same way we’d like to be treated). And some of the commenters here have mentioned that with God in your heart, soul and mind, you will be strong and not succumb to temptation. I tell you that the guilt from just mere thoughts are enormous. My husband is so good to me. I haven’t done anything with this other person, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t want to. He knows I’m weak, and he plays on it. I have to be strong, though, and remember all that I have at home and the consequences of acting on selfish and self-indulgent urges. I’m writing this to get it off my chest. As you can see, I’ve been pretty introspective about me, my life and situation. Need help, understanding and a reality check.
FeelingGuilty: It sounds like you’re on your way to an affair. Some thoughts:
– learn how to deal with these feelings (see cognitive-behavioral therapy, which will help you not so much resist temptation as let temptation pass through you and go away.) Right now, based on your comment, you are demonstrating a judgmental attitude toward your own thoughts and desires that is counter-productive, no matter what your religious background. It’s not surprising that you are angry at religion. You need to know that certain very commonly held beliefs (e.g., I must resist temptation) are not effective in dealing with temptation. You will only call yourself weak, beat up on yourself, argue with yourself, and eventually, give in. CBT will teach you to face these feelings, and replace them, and then they go away. You won’t see yourself as “strong” or “weak” but as “effective in dealing with feelings that would, if acted upon, violate my own integrity.” An affair would violate your own values, which is why I’m telling you this. But clearly you’re struggling with it. Find a good cognitive-behavioral therapist you’ll be surprised how quickly you can learn techniques to change this thinking.
– There is a communication problem here. Your secrecy and isolation on this issue are feeding this temptation. Discuss with your CBT therapist (trust me, you need to go do that) whether or not you need to have a discussion about the depth of your dilemma with your husband.
– One technique — think the affair all the way through to your husband finding out. How will you feel then? Write out a list of consequences. Then write a list of benefits (and feel them) about how you would feel if you don’t have the affair.
Step 1 is to stop beating yourself up for having feelings that are common. It’ll just create stress that will fuel more feelings for relief, which you, like all of us, may deal with in inappropriate ways. Feelings just are. It’s what you do with them that matters. The real underlying issue is how you want to deal with these uncomfortable feelings. And you can learn simple techniques to change them — I promise you. CBT.
Thanks for opening up here.
A. your husband can hold you while you wear beautiful lingerie. Holding is sensuous.
B. Good Vibrations. It’s a catalogue of equipment, in a company built by and for women. They have an 800 number, and they have heard of your problem before. Your husband’s eyes work. He can watch you pleasure yourself, in his arms. It’s good for him, too. You’re in his arms, so all the physical anchors on your pleasure are of his body- his scent, his muscles, his skin, his chest hair. It’s primal bonding. That can proof you against new guy.
C. I’m not kidding about this. Be straightforward. Porn is a billion-dollar industry b/c it does meet very particular needs of couples. It’s not all lonely, creepy guys in raincoats. There aren’t enough of them to power a billion dollar industry. It’s mostly couples.
D. There’s also a tupperware of sextoys, and I don’t know the name of the company. but- they are built around couples, including stuff for couples where there’s heart disease, circulatory issues and diabetes. this is a more reserved approach than good vibrations. but- still, seriously, get a catalogue from good vibrations, so you can at least practice thinking about this stuff. The first reaction is usually giggling or being horrified.
E. He’s not interested, or it just takes a lot of work to get him erect? That’s two different situations. If he’s willing to be your carpeted cat tower, Caroline Graglia ( wife of law prof Lino Graglia) has a book about marriage, with a chapter on, well, oh, go read it. you’ll get the picture. rubbing cats on rugs can make for happy cat owners, even possibly happier than cats with towers. and, you’ll get a nice view of her take on marriage.
F. If your town has a decent massage place, buy yourself some time, and get a massage a week, while you’re waiting for your catalogue, and whatever you select. it’s hard to think clearly when all your chakras are backed up your spine. ( yes, that’s a polite way of saying “get as relaxed as you legally,morally, can without doing anything you regret from desperation.)
G. some hardware has a dial for him to control, if he wants to be responsible for your pleasure. or he can make “scientific” notes, if that’s his kink.
h. again, it’s a billion dollar industry that got that way by figuring out what people wanted. some things, only four people on the planet want, we hope, but others—–marriage is a long, long march without water. let someone who has put a lot of time and thought into physical pleasure help ya’ll, somehow. you aren’t ashamed to use lawyers, or electricians for specialized info. sex can be the same way.
as jocelyn elders kept pointing out- there’s lots more to sex than physical penetration.
if he’s not interested in you being pleasured, or he’s contemptuous of your needs- that’s a whole different kettle of fish. I’m not hearing that, which is why I’m being pretty direct about going to hardware solutions.
There is a lot of latitude for pleasure in a marriage. a lot. more than you can possibly imagine, esp since you’ve been working on not imagining. flirting, talking smutty, talking each other up, feeling each other up, and that’s all while dressed and in public. For all I know- if you tell him you’re getting off in the jacuzzi- while he heads off to bed- and he knows what you’re doing- that counts as intimate together time.
Ari, all of your suggestions have been done, and then some. Those 5 times last year were with XXX DVDs and toys that I pushed for us to buy together at the local adult shop. CBT, I have not tried, so I will look into it. I’m glad CM6200 said other (women) have the same thoughts. I’m not naive; I know it’s common — but it was just reassuring to hear someone tell me that I’m not alone in that arena. I will also admit that a young whipper-snapper flirting with me and giving me those deep, hungry, penetrating looks has motivated me like nothing could the past years. I mean, I’m at the gym after work and can’t wait to get there and release all that pent-up stress and tension. CM6200 mentioned that I should look into the future, AFTER the affair. Well, right now, what I see after the affair is a broken, angry woman with never-ending guilt and sadness because I would have lost the trust and respect of not only my husband but also our grown son, were they to find out. You see, my lust is just that. It isn’t about wanting to leave my husband for someone else. They’re thoughts — not feelings; at least I don’t think so, but maybe that’s just semantics. I keep saying to myself that it’s taboo for women to have thoughts of wild lovemaking only, without emotions. In other words, just physical. ‘Friends with benefits’ is what I think they refer to that, nowadays. And that’s why I know I need help.
youch! out of my league- I hope others who are far wiser can help.
Having physical drives is not a problem. Infants left, fed but unheld, die on a pretty regular basis. It’s what you do about them. Or, in your marriages’ case, what ya’ll do about them. B/c him not going along is disquieting. I said- hardware if there isn’t a contempt issue. He’s been at the mercy of his hormones- he was a teenage boy once- and he can imagine what you’re going through. So- you are in different territory, out of the depths that I have anything useful or helpful to say.
On the good side- there are much more helpful dolphins than me, listening to you. You’re not going to drown!
By the way, thank you both, and also to Ms. Belladonna & PJ for posting such a timely piece – at least, for me.
FeelingGuilty: You are having thoughts that create feelings, which in turn, create new thoughts and feelings. What you call “lust” is a just feeling that followed from a thought. You can learn to isolate that thought when it appears, and you can learn to isolate those feelings where they appear.
So I think of a cheeseburger, and then I think of how good it would be to have a cheeseburger.
Additionally, there is a second layer of thoughts and related feelings which are meta-; they are about the thoughts and feelings about the initial thoughts and feelings. That is, I’m on a diet and oh no —
First layer: I’ve thought of a cheeseburger and now I’m thinking about how good it would feel to have a cheeseburger.
Second layer: I think “oh no I’m thinking of a cheeseburger” and the feeling follows, “I’m afraid that I’m going to break my diet.” I’m frustrated that my brain generated this thought of a cheeseburger and now I’m mad at myself. Now I’m frustrated and fearful … and that creates anxiety in me.
Now, because of the way our brain works, our brain naturally moves to the most emotionally compelling thought in our mind, whether negative or positive. So I now have thoughts and feelings about how good a cheeseburger would be, feel fearful, anxious and a bit of self-anger — and guess what — my brain is staying right there. Soon I am rationalizing and voila — I have a cheeseburger. Then I have more self-loathing and fear (what’s wrong with me?) and soon I have my own gravitational field.
The good news: The exact same process that causes me to rationalize the cheeseburger can be reversed, and reversed fairly easily.
What I’m trying to communicate to you is this: I see both layers of thinking here. I know what doesn’t work:
1. What doesn’t work is arguing with yourself. That just generates more emotion, which focuses your attention more.
2. What doesn’t work is using logic and reason against yourself. Your brain really doesn’t care about logic and reason and consequences — your brain is more of an engine that you’re pointing somewhere.
3. What doesn’t work is kicking away or repressing the thoughts. Your brain tends to say — whoa — what’s so important about that thought that you fear it so much? Let’s pay MORE attention!
4. What doesn’t work is beating yourself up for having these thoughts and feelings, at either the original level (have a cheeseburger) or at the meta-level (what the heck is wrong with me that I keep having these thoughts).
5. Thoughts of religious damnation, damning self-judgments, etc., can actually create a sin-and-repentance cycle that makes things worse. What’s interesting is CBT is Biblical. Beating yourself up is not.
OK, now you need to find a good CBT therapist, but I’m telling you this now because it sounds like you’re pretty far along here. I can’t give you all the info you need, but I want you to know that once you get this, you will be empowered beyond your wildest dreams. And you will feel great.
The solution is strangely enough, the opposite of our instincts.
The first step is to address the meta-thoughts — the second layer. This is what’s fueling your fire here. Again, let’s return to the thoughts of the cheeseburger. The thought comes up and my instinct is to start beating myself and tell myself I am weak. It’s not true, however: It’s a thought distortion. This has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with knowledge. If you can’t carve a wooden spoon out of a tree, you don’t say you’re weak. You say you don’t know how to do it.
OK, so I isolate the secondary thought as soon as it appears — that it’s bad to think of a cheeseburger. I allow myself to feel the related feeling. I feel frustrated. OK, fine. I isolate that feeling “I’m frustrated at having the thought of a cheeseburger” in my mind and DON’T PUSH IT AWAY. I actually bring my attention to the feeling, but don’t judge the feeling one way or the other. (Remember, at this level, I am just dealing with the thoughts-about-the-thoughts, not the cheeseburger thought itself.)
Then I smile and take some meditative breaths. Usually, four will do it. I feel grateful (easy when you’re smiling) and soon that feeling goes away because your brain cannot stay in one place. Do that each time you spot the meta-thinking, eliminating “musts” “shoulds” and “oughts.”
When I am done with the four breaths, I feel better — and now I correct the thought distortion. Say it in the positive (it works better). “It’s perfectly normal for a man to want a cheeseburger.”
Next up, two things — connect with someone. And do something nice for someone. Don’t make the “nice act” a big deal at all. Just something small. “Hey, I’m getting tea, do you want some?” “That’s a nice hat.”
By this time, you will feel good that you faced down the meta-thought, you will feel good connecting with someone and doing nice for someone, and you will have confidence.
The meta-thoughts will come back, but by repeating this a few times, the energy will soon dissipate and your brain will stop sending this meta-thought to you, because it has no emotional resonance.
Once you are no longer fearful, anxious and frustrated at having these thoughts, you can address the underlying thought. But by that time, it will have lost much of its resonance.
Once you can confidently handle both sets of thoughts — the cheeseburger and your fear of it, your brain will completely not care and simply stop sending either sets of thoughts to you. And you will feel great.
Again, there’s a little more to it than this and the connection with someone else will help a lot. Good luck.
When I ask those who believe in not confessing just how a cheater is supposed to cover up their tracks in a connected world that is difficult to avoid (cell phone bills, restaurant receipts, etc.), I get the answer that perhaps the other spouse knows but doesn’t want to hear about it. How dumb is that? What kind of healing in a marriage is going to take place if everyone knows about the cheating but won’t ever bring it up? And here’s a good one, the cheater is now expected to go to a therapist at over $70/hr. and not tell the spouse why he/she is going? What does the cheater do if the spouse asks about the therapist? Is the cheater now expected to lie again?? How do you lie about that one? How long can you get away with saying your getting extended root canal work at the dentist? Don’t you think it’s better to just ‘fess up??
Jimbo , I think you would be amazed how easy it is to cover up cheating when your spouse is not looking, like Sherlock Holmes for evidence of an affair. While I have never lied to my husband about where I was or what I was doing, men and women who travel for work have ample opportunity to cheat and get away with it. Cell phone bills, are you Kidding?
I would need five hours to go through the monthly bill and separate out the numbers to see who was calling and about what. Hotel receipts and Charges? If you are sleeping with a co worker that you sometimes travel with, all your hotel bills will be business related. If not a co worker then, pay cash or only meet when your working spouse in out of town. Most people who are smart about it are unlikely to get caught unless they secretly WANT to get caught.
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