The Census has released its figures. The latest count is 308,745,538 citizens living within these Disunited States. I say “Disunited” not to pun but because it is well-known that discrimination is rampant within our tumultuous borders. The problem is so awful and so sickeningly pervasive that we are anything but united. Logically, if there is discrimination, there must be discriminators and discriminatees. Who, then, are the vile discriminators? Fortunately, the Census can tell us.

Females outnumber males by 51 to 49 percent. Females cannot discriminate, but can be discriminated against. This is true by law (in most localities). Thus, there are only 157,460,224 potential discriminators, all male.

It takes more than just testosterone to be a discriminator; a certain propensity to burn easily in the sun is required. Blacks, for example, cannot discriminate (I remain agnostic as to whether this lack of ability is genetically or environmentally determined). Similarly, Hispanics and other non-white groups, all of which hold coveted minority status, cannot discriminate but can suffer. There are 114,001,202 white males, each a potentially heinous discriminatory criminal.

We are not finished. Among this group of white males are many who are Jewish, men who bleed when pricked, and who have been pricked by history so often that they are in state of constant anemia and thus lack the strength to discriminate. Then atheists, men who have escaped mankind’s infancy and are thus too Enlightened to discriminate. Add to these Buddhists, Shintoists, and other suchlike benignities, men too close to nothingness to caress improper thoughts. Finally Muslims, all of whom face outrageous incidents of Islamaphobia, and are thus each of them discriminatees. That leaves 70% who are Christian, men ripe for recruiting into the ranks of wrong-doers.

The tally is now 79,800,842 — but it must be reduced because, as the lawyers have made plain, it takes money to discriminate (which is why lawyers seek to remove this foul influence). The poor suffer; they cannot induce suffering. It’s the top 10%, members of the Cult of Cash, who are the genuine discriminators. That leaves 7,980,084. Most of these will be men of middle age (it takes time to amass wealth), but a few will have progressed into their dotage and some will be young, victims themselves of inheriting money but not wisdom. Statistics show that half the rich, because of age, are incapable of discriminating. We are down to 3,990,042.

Next come gays, perpetual victims. Gays aren’t the only ones to suffer for their sexual desires. There are also bisexuals and  transsexuals. These men — which comprise, so we read, 15% of our population — are so besieged and beset that they lead lamentable, lachrymose lives. Poor things!

Our pool is now 3,391,536 (a mere 1% of the total population). But it’s still too large. One percent of white men are imprisoned, victims of society. And plenty display dismaying diseases and disabilities, many of which (the maladies, not the men) have their own marches and awareness-raising rallies. These suffering souls comprise 96% of the population (a figure inferred via the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission which recently expanded conditions covered by the Americans With Disabilities Act; lawyers are rejoicing.) We are at 101,746.

Fully half of this group subscribe to a progressive ideology and thus leads lives of political purity. These men would no more discriminate than utter an unpleasant thought about diversity. Only 70% go to college, but because of unfair differences in ability, only 65% actually graduate, and of those who hold diplomas, only 10% attain positions from which it is possible to discriminate.

That puts us at 2,315. But after we subtract those who do not speak English as their native language, live as hermits, or are institutionalized, we are left with just 3. They are H. Emmet Anderson of Billings, Montana; R. Peterson of Dallas, Texas; and me.
So I called Anderson. He claims that the last time he discriminated was in August of 1973, after being cheated at a gas pump in Albuquerque, New Mexico (he asserted an aberrant association of the attendant and his ancestor).

Peterson, I learned, has been missing for at least the last year. His mail piles up. Neighbors say no lights have been seen in his house.

That leaves me. I am male, white, Christian, happily in the top 10% of earners, middle-aged, undriven by uncommon desires, sound in limb, conservative, and ludicrously educated (I have a PhD!). Since everybody else cannot possibly discriminate by reason of membership in at least one victim’s group, I must be responsible for all the ills of discrimination.

I beg your pardon. And I promise to behave better in the future.