The Cause of All Discrimination? Me.
The Census has released its figures. The latest count is 308,745,538 citizens living within these Disunited States. I say “Disunited” not to pun but because it is well-known that discrimination is rampant within our tumultuous borders. The problem is so awful and so sickeningly pervasive that we are anything but united. Logically, if there is discrimination, there must be discriminators and discriminatees. Who, then, are the vile discriminators? Fortunately, the Census can tell us.
Females outnumber males by 51 to 49 percent. Females cannot discriminate, but can be discriminated against. This is true by law (in most localities). Thus, there are only 157,460,224 potential discriminators, all male.
It takes more than just testosterone to be a discriminator; a certain propensity to burn easily in the sun is required. Blacks, for example, cannot discriminate (I remain agnostic as to whether this lack of ability is genetically or environmentally determined). Similarly, Hispanics and other non-white groups, all of which hold coveted minority status, cannot discriminate but can suffer. There are 114,001,202 white males, each a potentially heinous discriminatory criminal.
We are not finished. Among this group of white males are many who are Jewish, men who bleed when pricked, and who have been pricked by history so often that they are in state of constant anemia and thus lack the strength to discriminate. Then atheists, men who have escaped mankind’s infancy and are thus too Enlightened to discriminate. Add to these Buddhists, Shintoists, and other suchlike benignities, men too close to nothingness to caress improper thoughts. Finally Muslims, all of whom face outrageous incidents of Islamaphobia, and are thus each of them discriminatees. That leaves 70% who are Christian, men ripe for recruiting into the ranks of wrong-doers.
The tally is now 79,800,842 — but it must be reduced because, as the lawyers have made plain, it takes money to discriminate (which is why lawyers seek to remove this foul influence). The poor suffer; they cannot induce suffering. It’s the top 10%, members of the Cult of Cash, who are the genuine discriminators. That leaves 7,980,084. Most of these will be men of middle age (it takes time to amass wealth), but a few will have progressed into their dotage and some will be young, victims themselves of inheriting money but not wisdom. Statistics show that half the rich, because of age, are incapable of discriminating. We are down to 3,990,042.
Next come gays, perpetual victims. Gays aren’t the only ones to suffer for their sexual desires. There are also bisexuals and transsexuals. These men — which comprise, so we read, 15% of our population — are so besieged and beset that they lead lamentable, lachrymose lives. Poor things!
Our pool is now 3,391,536 (a mere 1% of the total population). But it’s still too large. One percent of white men are imprisoned, victims of society. And plenty display dismaying diseases and disabilities, many of which (the maladies, not the men) have their own marches and awareness-raising rallies. These suffering souls comprise 96% of the population (a figure inferred via the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission which recently expanded conditions covered by the Americans With Disabilities Act; lawyers are rejoicing.) We are at 101,746.
Fully half of this group subscribe to a progressive ideology and thus leads lives of political purity. These men would no more discriminate than utter an unpleasant thought about diversity. Only 70% go to college, but because of unfair differences in ability, only 65% actually graduate, and of those who hold diplomas, only 10% attain positions from which it is possible to discriminate.
That puts us at 2,315. But after we subtract those who do not speak English as their native language, live as hermits, or are institutionalized, we are left with just 3. They are H. Emmet Anderson of Billings, Montana; R. Peterson of Dallas, Texas; and me.
You have repented so you are OK!
I so pity you. You have to carry this mantle of being a discriminator for the rest of your life. Perhaps a twelve-step program would help. Be strong!
Some old retired dude name Jeremiah Wright called and left a message.
Also, Ward Churchill wants his pumps back and Aztlan too.
I’m female, native American, $60,000 year income bracket,a senior citizen, post menopausal so libido deficient, am arthritic and have CAD and diabetes, Libertarianish, and only have a BA. So, I’m a minority of one, too. If I were younger, I’d ask you to marry me if I weren’t already married to a very nice whiteman.
You sound like fun! Wish I could be seated next to someone like you at the next dinner party I go to….
Just tell me what time the meal begins and I’ll be there. I’ll bring a whine.
Sioux Lady!!! How fun to see you here–and to see you have not lost any of your wit and charm! You are, indeed, fun, and I wish I could be at that dinner party too.
Great article. Maybe one day we will realise that we’re unique and different from each other, but at the same time, we’re all the same. It would be great to see that world. Very unlikely, unless I live for…. no. I’ll miss it.
Since you have discovered the root of all this evil, I suggest you surrender yourself to Louis Farrakhan to be absolved of all your crimes against humanity.
Sorry, Farrakhan isn’t in the absolving business anymore, he’s even un-absolved Obama:
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-farrakhan-defends-libyas-gadhafi-as-20110331,0,11191.story
And remember, don’t ever criticize anything, ANYTHING, Obama has ever done or YOU will be called a racist, too. That was roughly 48% of the American public during the 2008 election. You know, the poor saps who voted for McCain. Maybe in 2012 we can get 60% of these “racists” to vote Republican and throw Obama out of office. Nothing personal, you understand, Mr. Obama. It’s just that your presidency has almost destroyed this nation. Darn, does that make me a racist too?
Welcome news: I am among the non-discrimnating [no advanced degree]. Thanks, Briggs.
But the Census does not include me: once again, I am in Central America in the Spring.
¡April first is such a special day!
God bless you, Briggs, for excising me from your odious group of Discriminators. More mathematicians should write for the public. It’s wonderful to read someone who can actually THINK. Thank you for a great read!
Absolutely GREAT.
A Grand read on this beautiful Sunday morning.
Thanks Dr. Briggs, (I had a suspicion it was you all the time).
I’ve also been known to hang around small parks by the Millennium UN Hotel. Beware!
I always thought it was you.
lol
If Obama was funny, he would be a joke!
This is, of course, insidious, invidious, and no doubt discriminatory. Plus a whiff of paradox!
I claim the mantle of discrimator!
You need to review your analysis as being Jewish means a person is part of the vast Global Jewish Conspiracy that runs the world. Thus, you can not be responsible for discrimination since you are a Christian (not that there is anything wrong with that).
After extensive research, I found out that I’m the one. I’m am male, white, Jewish, happily in the top 10% of earners, middle-aged, undriven by uncommon desires, sound in limb, conservative, and ludicrously educated (I have an engineering degree and MBA!).
As our dear leader (praise be his name) described me, “He’s a Torah clinging, GLOCK carrying, Pennsylvania born, Georgia living, Tea Partier.” Clearly, I’m the one and I promise to keep on discriminating and my work of Global Domination. Got to go …. I got to collapse a currency or something.
Mike123,
You can’t be the one as I am…being Torah clinging, Beretta carrying, tea partier, and practicing discrimination in California, which offers ample opportunities.
Nope. Sorry. Mike’s The One. (But not THE One, of course.)
Why?
Well, Mike carries a Glock, and you carry a Beretta. Since Mike has the superior weapon, he therefore is in a superior position to you, and therefor you cannot discriminate against him.
Q.E.D.
:p
Glock, Beretta, you both come off as pussies. I mean why stop there? Here in the USofA there are reams of laws governing gun ownership. You can buy a used tank from the State of Israel. While there are all these anti-gun laws here, there are none governing the ownership of a tank. Get with it boys, then you can discriminate.
William – Thanx for confessing and clearing me of sin. It has been a long time since one man took all the blame. (try to avoid crosses)
Shame on you!
Nancy Pelosi will be right over to deliver a few well-deserved whacks on your backside for your unrighteous behavior, you scoundrel.
Wait, untrue. I proudly discriminate, and I passed all the filters listed.
Does being married to an immigrant disqualify me? Is a PhD a requirement, or just being a college graduate? Do veterans qualify?
Drats, one of the few clubs I’d want to belong to doesn’t want me. When did discrimination become a bad thing?
Whew, I glad it was you. I was afraid it might have been me. It probably would have been if I hadn’t been laid off and taken another job with a $20,000 pay cut.
Hmmm, this is a good sound scientific theory (like AGW) but it needs some modifications. For example, you thoroughly ignore the principle of victim group pecking order. Non-minority women under normal circumstances are not discriminators but there are exceptions. Witness Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama in the 2008 Democrat show trials. By opposing a more deserving victim group, Hillary went from victim to victee (is that a word? Let’s have an official proclamation to make it so!) So victims have to be careful about whom they allow to victimize them, lest they become oppressors. Clear? Good, let’s go celebrate with a latte and bean sprouts.
I’d rather go with Captain Mal and “aim to misbehave.”
If I was king, I would ban the census from counting anything but “citizens”.
Nothing has contributed more to the destruction of this country than the Marxists’ strategy to redefine the country as a myriad of groups that they can inflame with anger over something or another. And who doesn’t have something to be pissed off about? It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. Why legitimize a strategy designed to destroy the country?
I think that would be interesting to try.
By the way, there is some flaw in the auhtor’s reasoning, but I’ve not had enough coffee to find it. However, a good friend of mine (Japanese, female, progressive- so progressive she wishes she were at least bi so she could enjoy everyone equally (this isn’t a joke- she feels bad about not being turned on by women))…but I digress- my progressive friend tells me that I, too, discriminate, even though I don’t know it. I’m white, straight, middle class, educated and male, and only white people can discriminate, and straight white males are ALL racists and discriminators, by definition (seriously- and there is no sense of irony in her or her friends in defining a bias against a group of people based solely on their skin color).
However, fellow discriminators, my good friend who is, coincidentally, gay, tells us to keep on being ourselves, since we discriminated him right through medical school into a successful career as a specialist. He says he needs a bigger house, so could we hate, just a little more?
The dirty secret is that everybody DOES discriminate, including and particularly the ones who point the fingers the most. This is plainly obvious to anyone who cares to look; the racist in chief being the primary example.
*shakes fist in direction of william m briggs
Good. While all the non-discriminating Pure and Good People are concentrating on you and your perfidy, the rest of us can get on with our nefarious work of undermining and destroying multiculturalism for good and all.
Not only that, but you run everything too. You put programs into the government to secretly enriched yourself at the expense of everyone else. You have rigged the Court system to your advantage (well, except for divorce court) once again displaying your disdain for the rest of suffering mankind. You have polluted the environment, befouled the waters, drilled the pristine frontiers, and you deny Science™.
Not only do you discriminate, but you repress: the police work for you; the military is your plaything; you relentlessly lobby against any hint of being held accountable for your despicable activities. You hoard your wealth, denying opportunity or escape to all those who are trapped in your endless cycle of exploitation.
Quite an accomplishment for one guy.
I think Briggs is the one that forces Amtrak to keep falling further behind on their schedules, too. He should be ashamed of himself.
308,745,538 X .49 = 151,285,314
Spoil-sport!
Thanks for clearing that up for me. All my life I’ve been told that I was the most evil discriminator that could possibly exist. Now that I know I’m off the hook, I’ll have to go back and show this to all the people who’ve been pounding me. I can see where I lack a couple of attributes you have which may explain why I didn’t make the cut. I thought that former military officer and Vietnam vet would make up the slack. Obviously not.
I enrolled in a seminar on ‘discrimination’. When I arrived, I was refused admittance!
Cybergeezer,
You may have lucked out. I signed up for a workshop on spouse abuse, and after the workshop started discovered they were against it. Even worse, I couldn’t get a refund.
“That leaves me.”
YOU BASTARD!
Watch out for those old time FM radios. They were full of discriminators. There were even companies that made special coils for the purpose. Called naturally “discriminator coils”. Some companies are still making them. It’s an outrage.
Just wait a minute there Dude!
I am The Discriminator! Been a millionaire, been broke. Married a non white, but she wasn’t black. Like cigars.I punched a black man once, but he gave me my wallet back. My power extetender is a .45acp. I have 2 Bibles. I vote GOP, but sometimes have to drink afterwards. SUVs are for pussies, my pickup is bigger.
“Next come gays, perpetual victims. Gays aren’t the only ones to suffer for their sexual desires. There are also bisexuals and transsexuals. These men — which comprise, so we read, 15% of our population — are so besieged and beset that they lead lamentable, lachrymose lives. Poor things!”
In fact, this group is about 3% of the male population, not 15%. That leaves you with quite a few more discriminators.
Actually, I’m rather happy to admit that I’m discriminatory. I discriminate between good and bad, excellent and deficient, beautiful and ugly.
“The fool who has not sense to discriminate between what is good and what is bad is well nigh as dangerous as the man who does discriminate and yet chooses the bad.” — Theodore Roosevelt
http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/3811
(LOL) Good one. Much like the “I do all the work” joke that was running around ages ago. Don’t know if it was originally printed on the same month/day as yours. But I loved the ‘statistics’ in it, as I do the ones in yours.
I’ve long been a fan of the old classic “How to Lie with Statistics.” I presume you’ve read it, from your bio. If you haven’t, do.
I’ve been in Los Angeles for five years. I’ve never seen so many racists in one place in all my life. It’s a freaking religion here. They have a vocabulary of five words: Racist. Hate. Moron. Loser. Idiot. When I think back and count up how many white-skinned racists I have met in my life, the answer is Two. We were not brought up to be racists, but, in the past five years I have encountered thousands of people who were. I can’t believe I fell for all that rubbish about white people being racists all my life. Plus they are trying to have sex with me while I am trying to get my Social Security sorted out. What a crock.
oops – you didn’t post this on the first. Sorry, I just assumed.
You evil man! Repent now!
All you have to do is cry on Oprah, and you’ll be pardoned.
Then, you can use your power for evil!
Ahhh …. but you have a PhD and being at the top rung of the Educated Elite ladder you are by definition incapable of discrimination. Did you verify your model? Seems to me that H. Emmet Anderson of Billings, Montana wouldn’t lie because Montanans are incapable of such — Code of the West or something. However R. Peterson’s disappearance is quite suspicious. He obviously knew the hunt was on and is seeking sanctuary in Bigot, AL.
Before “Discrimination” was hijacked by sociologists:
Degree, distinction, number,
without which all is slumber,
beneath cascading noise,
no dreams but of the void.
There’s got to be something wrong with this analysis. My husband is Filipino, a Republican with no college degree and a good job, and everything is HIS fault.
Wacky W: That’s what those sly, male Filipino Republicans want you wacky wives to think! It’s all a plot. They know if their wives blame them for “everything” they can get away with anything. They’ve already been spousally judged and found wanting. No further, more hurtful punishment is possible – they think.
But now, thanks to Professor Briggs – bless his heart – you know the truth about your husband. He is NOT to blame for all that evil, maleness stuff. You need to be kind to him and seek forgiveness. Of course once he forgives you a new cycle of suspicion and blame becomes available. What fun!
Thank you, thank you, thank you William Briggs! It’s been a long time since I laughed out loud while reading at my computer.
But seriously, I’ve been informed by all the progressive bloggers that conservatives are the ultimate discriminators even if they are black or brown, female, gay or lesbian, Jewish or Muslim. The thing is conservatives are in fact evil, so they must be discriminated against by everybody else. Now, if a few blacks or gays or Muslims go astray and wander into the conservative camp, why they are not only evil, but they are also treasonous. Progressives are still debating if they should score them higher than the average conservative for the crime of treason, but for the time being they’re trying their best to not give them any attention, although most progressives think that they must be insane, which means of course, that they can’t discriminate against them because they have a mental illness. I mean, they obviously need professional help. Oh, what to do, what to do!
I’m almost jealous. Since you represent all of us, don’t be wimpy about it – do us proud!
It won’t work, Professor Briggs. But thanks for trying. I forwarded this to my wife and said, “See?”, but she said regardless of your kindhearted gesture it was still all my fault.
As a tax payer in Saskatchewan, my taxes seemed extraordinarily high. I even had to pay a surtax on my taxes, because I paid too much tax.
So, I went through the same exercise. Turns out, I was the only person in the province paying taxes.
Did I ever get a thank you or a card from the people or the government?
Les, they would have thanked you but they forgot how to spell Saskatche…….
i have been wandering around with a lantern looking into the faces of men and looking for “the man” so i could stick it to him. my search is over,many thanks to you, i can get off the dole and get a job and be productive.
Discrimination can only end when our government stops doing it.
Start with a single question Census – how many people live here?.
End all laws that discriminate against anyone.
Simple, and impossible.
I didn’t know until this day that it was Briggs all along.
Darn! According to this article I missed the cutoff for being a discriminator. Phooey. I so much wanted to be counted as a bigot and hater, because I frequently indulge in viewpoints that are now defined as hateful by our enlightened overlords.
Also, the 15% gays/bis/transis is pure BS, but who’s counting anymore, or even knows math?
“William M. Briggs is a statistical consultant in New York and San Francisco. He is an American Meteorological Society member and serves on their Probability & Statistics Committee. His specialty is on the philosophy of evidence, forecast evaluation, and marketing.” He also has a great sense of humor. Remarkable for a geeky, intellectual pinhead.
Briggs failed to mentioned that he is tall and so immediately discriminates against the height challenged.
So glad that the right has a sense of humor. If this liberalish black guy has ever done anything to make you feel guilty for committing atrocities against me that you had nothing to do with, I apologize.
My angst is for those who are actually guilty. It is interesting that I have suffered more at the hands of the so called white liberal than I have at the hands of the so called white conservative. For that matter, I have dealt with more crud from blacks for having the nerve to value education. Go figure.