So what lessons should Republicans learn from the 2012 election? I don’t think anyone other than me has thought to ask this question, as Republicans tend not to be very analytical. But I think the answer is pretty obvious when you look at the failure of their presidential candidate this year and the one in 2008: Republicans need to stop nominating right-wing extremists like John McCain and Mitt Romney.
Obviously, the two most recent Republican presidential candidates were far too extreme to the right to be elected by the American public. They were constantly seen in the company of numerous Republicans and conservatives (one was even seen hanging around Sarah Palin) and often praised them instead of denouncing them. Also, they reveled in the racism of the Republican Party (especially in their racist stance on taxes) and sometimes said positive things about Republicans’ stances on social issues. And worst of all, they were actually opposed to the election and reelection of the first black president and occasionally even criticized him.
So it’s no wonder that so much of the country was absolutely repulsed by these people. By reading any news source like the New York Times, you could see how terrified the average person was of having those extremists elected. If the Republican Party doesn’t want to continue being hated, it needs to finally give up on its right-wing radicalism exemplified by McCain and Romney and plan to have in 2016 a perfect candidate who will not be so offensive to Democrats.
I speak, of course, of the legendary Super Squish. The one the Republican elite speak of in hushed whispers as the prophesied one to lead the party away from extremism. This is the ultimate candidate the Republicans need for 2016.
So what is he like? First off, the Super Squish will not spend a lot of time criticizing Democrats, as he should be far too busy disparaging his own party. I mean, lately, the party has been filled with white people critical of a black man, and this ultimate candidate needs to take on that racism in his own party to show he’s not a part of it. His first campaign speech should be something like, “Shame! Shame on all of you! I am disgusted to be a Republican because radicals have taken over the party and constantly attack the president! Can’t we get over race?” Some tears would be nice, too. And in the rest of his speech he should studiously avoid all the codewords Republicans use for “I hate black people”, such as “cut taxes”, “reduce spending”, and “USA! USA!”
And the Super Squish is someone who doesn’t just automatically reject every idea because it comes from a Democrat. In fact, to show he’s open-minded, he might even embrace some of his opponents’ proposals. Better yet, he might even be a vocal advocate for some of their ideas… or even like them more than Democrats do. If he could get Democrats to say things like, “I do like raising taxes on the rich, but that Republican candidate wants to go too far with it,” that would be perfect.
Furthermore, the Super Squish is someone who won’t lose votes on social issues. He’ll never bring them up, and if Democrats bring them up, he’ll immediately capitulate to what they want to keep those issues from being problems. And maybe he can support them on some things to show he doesn’t agree with those scary religious Republicans. Ideally, he himself will be an abortionist. This would certainly keep women voters from being frightened of the Republican candidate; they love abortions.
Also, the Super Squish will not be another one of those Republicans who mindlessly invoke Ronald Reagan and instead will really chastise the Republican Party’s love for him. He’ll tell Republicans, “Reagan would be ashamed of the Party as it is today. Also, I’m ashamed of Reagan, because he’s not as great as everyone pretends and was actually quite divisive. Yes, everyone likes him now, but they shouldn’t. So let’s never mention him again except to say how ashamed he would be of today’s GOP.”
Similarly, the Super Squish will take on the religious wing of the party that pushes it to extremism. “The only things I believe without question are things that people in white lab coats say,” he’ll lecture the religious nuts. “If Jesus didn’t warn us about climate change, then maybe He wasn’t that great a messiah. So let’s never mention Him again except to say how ashamed He would be of today’s GOP.”
And I guess the Super Squish can support some conservative idea to shore up the base a little… like what’s a really harmless right-wing idea? Balance the budget? No… that implies some severe spending cuts. Anyway, this perfect candidate will have some sort of conservative idea he’ll favor… but he’ll only mention it if a reporter really presses him on why exactly he is a Republican at all. And he’ll be profusely apologetic about it, knowing that mentioning it might hurt the feelings of people who disagree with him.
Finally, this Super Squish will not be a minority or a woman, as it’s highly offensive to them to imply that one of them would actually be a Republican.
So who is this Super Squish? We don’t know yet, but we’d better start looking now. Start with any Republican allowed to speak on MSNBC. And we must have him ready for 2016 before the wingnuts start to rally around another far-right disaster like McCain or Romney. If the Republicans have finally learned their lesson, they’ll embrace the Super Squish, and the Super Squish will in turn keep them at arm’s length so as not to appear too Republicany. And while the Super Squish won’t win the presidency (beating a Democrat is racially insensitive to their numerous coalitions), he’ll run a campaign so inoffensive to the left that they’ll pat us on the back and say, “You ran an honorable campaign, predominantly white people.”
Ah, it will be nice to hold our heads up high again.