Ever since I signed up at the BarackObama.com website to request a free bumper sticker, I have been receiving regular friendly emails from various people I never met, who share with me their concerns and life stories. All these different people have one thing in common: they write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences.
And while the issues may vary, every such heart-warming letter invariably asks me to carry out the same four actions: tell others to pay a little more in taxes; use my email, Facebook, and Twitter to ask Congress to help Obama to make America a better place; share my personal success story that involves some sort of government assistance; and give them three dollars so they can keep sending me these nice and friendly reminders to ask others to pay more taxes, to pressure Congress through social media, to make up stories about how the government helped them to stop being a loser, and to send them money.
After several months their emails began to merge into one warm, fuzzy blur; I can no longer tell what the issue is that they presently care about, but there is always a guaranteed certainty that I can help someone or something if only I do the same ritualistic four-step dance and send them three dollars so they can go on caring about issues.
On the plus side, I have learned to write these letters to myself in my head whenever the nice and caring people at BarackObama.com fail to send me one. This is what they look like:
Subject: SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS! Campaign Against Pigeon Obesity
A recent government study of the alarming obesity rates among inner-city pigeons has discovered that this debilitating disorder is caused by America’s addiction to feeding the birds with breadcrumbs that are high in carbohydrates and low in nutrition. Unable to fly, the overweight birds spend their lives with nothing better to do than to engage in depraved, indiscriminate sex with other pigeons.
This study has inspired First Lady Michelle Obama to organize a “SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS!” campaign with the purpose of raising awareness about how much she cares about the proper diet and exercise among low-income Avian-Americans.
But she can’t do it without you.
She needs you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban breadcrumbs and to pass a bill that would make the use and possession of breadcrumbs a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment, as well as to secure five hundred million dollars to fight inner-city pigeon obesity by issuing government food rations and promoting a healthy avian lifestyle, which will include group flying lessons and pigeon-size condoms to prevent an increase in urban populations due to excessive recreational sex caused by their inability to do anything else.
We need to send a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue. All it takes is for all of us together to start paying a little more in taxes.
Chip in $3 or more to Organizing for Action, the grassroots movement that will get the job done.