Get PJ Media on your Apple

The Audacity of Notes

I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter from Obama.

by
Oleg Atbashian

Bio

March 15, 2013 - 12:03 am
Page 1 of 3  Next ->   View as Single Page

Ever since I signed up at the BarackObama.com website to request a free bumper sticker, I have been receiving regular friendly emails from various people I never met, who share with me their concerns and life stories. All these different people have one thing in common: they write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences.

And while the issues may vary, every such heart-warming letter invariably asks me to carry out the same four actions: tell others to pay a little more in taxes; use my email, Facebook, and Twitter to ask Congress to help Obama to make America a better place; share my personal success story that involves some sort of government assistance; and give them three dollars so they can keep sending me these nice and friendly reminders to ask others to pay more taxes, to pressure Congress through social media, to make up stories about how the government helped them to stop being a loser, and to send them money.

After several months their emails began to merge into one warm, fuzzy blur; I can no longer tell what the issue is that they presently care about, but there is always a guaranteed certainty that I can help someone or something if only I do the same ritualistic four-step dance and send them three dollars so they can go on caring about issues.

On the plus side, I have learned to write these letters to myself in my head whenever the nice and caring people at BarackObama.com fail to send me one. This is what they look like:

Subject: SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS! Campaign Against Pigeon Obesity

Dear Friend,

A recent government study of the alarming obesity rates among inner-city pigeons has discovered that this debilitating disorder is caused by America’s addiction to feeding the birds with breadcrumbs that are high in carbohydrates and low in nutrition. Unable to fly, the overweight birds spend their lives with nothing better to do than to engage in depraved, indiscriminate sex with other pigeons.

This study has inspired First Lady Michelle Obama to organize a “SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS!” campaign with the purpose of raising awareness about how much she cares about the proper diet and exercise among low-income Avian-Americans.

But she can’t do it without you.

She needs you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban breadcrumbs and to pass a bill that would make the use and possession of breadcrumbs a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment, as well as to secure five hundred million dollars to fight inner-city pigeon obesity by issuing government food rations and promoting a healthy avian lifestyle, which will include group flying lessons and pigeon-size condoms to prevent an increase in urban populations due to excessive recreational sex caused by their inability to do anything else.

We need to send a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue. All it takes is for all of us together to start paying a little more in taxes.

Chip in $3 or more to Organizing for Action, the grassroots movement that will get the job done.

 

Comments are closed.

All Comments   (10)
All Comments   (10)
Sort: Newest Oldest Top Rated
Obama's people all "write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences."

That's the same caring, soothing voice as Obama!. That's why I call him Mussolini for Morons. He always sounds to me like he's addressing a roomful of 6th-graders, and he's trying to trick them out of their lollipops.
.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Oleg, Well done! Very Funny! Looking forward to your next antidote to the poison being fed to the public by Obama and his supporters.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
In addition to banning the kitchen, food prep and what not I suggest we all be assigned food tasters like dear leader has. Think of all the jobs it would create! Then of course there would be regulating agencies established to make sure the tasters don't gain too much weight, unions so the tasters only have a certain number of assignments a day...the bureaucracy will be endless. It's a progressive dream come true!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Dear Friend
A recent Government study has shown that 100% of golfers want to play 18 holes with Tiger Woods. With a small contribution of $3...
Oh never mind.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
The housing letter is all wrong. Building brand new compounds for former home-owners is far too expensive. Far better to just have them move in with the 1%. (And if the 1% don't like sharing and decide to move out, so much the better.)

That's how Lenin did it and, by gum, if it was good enough for Lenin's subjects, it should be good enough for us. As for that accusation that Lenin and his inner circle moved into the mansions of the Tsarist era millionaires and didn't share them, well, that's just a hateful observation and there's no place for hate in the brave new world we are building under the benevolent and loving Obamas.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
My Three Dollar bill has been scanned and is ready to be emailed wherever needed!

I Serve the Soviet Union!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I think pregnancy equality is an issue we really all need to work together to raise awareness of. For thousands of years, only women have been allowed to become pregnant. With women now serving in active combat roles in the military, the time has come to allow men to become pregnant. I suggest we all work together to lobby Congress to pass legislation ending this injustice now.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
What about shoe inequality? The female 1% may own dozens (if not hundreds) of shoes while the homeless women own just 1 pair. This injustice must stop!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Agreed. And what is wrong with a country that doesn't give the people Nordstrom Stamps along with the SNAP allotment? It isn't fair that some people have to shop at Target while others shop at Nordstrom.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
They are all good, but my favorite for both satire-power and really-could-happenness is (ta tata DAH):
"Subject: HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!"
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
View All