The Absolute, the Best, the Most Brilliant Solution to Racism Ever!
The problem isn't that we hate other races. The problem is, we hate the wrong race.
August 2, 2010 - 12:00 am
Racism. It’s the problem everyone is talking about, and it continues to be a problem because people won’t stop talking about it. Who knew different levels of skin pigmentation could cause so much trouble? In retrospect, the human race probably should have stuck with one skin color (like chartreuse), but it’s too late now, and what a mess we have on our hands. So it’s time for someone — probably me — to come up with a solution to it.
We thought we could get past race in America by electing a black president, but it turns out that voting for a black person didn’t magically end racism (the DNC lied!). Instead, race is pretty much all we talk about. Every time someone opposes President Obama’s policies because his polices are the policies of a dumb person, there are groups of people who claim that the only reason Obama is opposed is hatred of black people. Now I hate Obama for completely non-racial reasons — I don’t like how his ears stick out — but just try and convince some people you’re not racist if you don’t like him. It’s like they hate the idea there aren’t racists, because they get to yell at racists and they love yelling.
Like the NAACP. They love yelling “Racist!” and do it about as often as a Chihuahua barks (with about as much meaning behind it). So Andrew Breitbart — noted snookerer — comes along with a video showing a black woman, Shirley Sherrod, supposedly being racist, and the NAACP actually decides, “Hey, let’s call a black person racist for a change. It could be fun.” And then the White House, not wanting to look racist in who they consider racist, fires her, and the NAACP has to be pretty surprised and is like, “Why are people actually listening to us now? Is it because this time we’re accusing a black person of racism? That’s racist!”
But then it ends up that the video is of Sherrod telling people how she learned not to judge people on race, so she got fired for not being racist. It’s crazy. And you would think we’d at least learn from this to be more careful of making charges of racism, but then Sherrod went on CNN and accused Breitbart of wanting to bring back slavery. I really don’t think bringing back slavery is politically feasible, but then again I thought ObamaCare was way too unpopular to pass, and somehow that made it through Congress.
So all this race stuff makes us dumb, and as a result we have a big problem with figuring out how to deal with it logically. For instance, blacks in the U.S. were discriminated against and separated into groups based on their skin pigmentation, so the way we fight that is to separate people into groups based on their skin pigmentation, like the Congressional Black Caucus. It’s like we’re chasing our tail on this issue. One day we might even try reviving the Ku Klux Klan in an attempt to fight racism (and though I don’t want to give advice to the Klan, aren’t sheets a horrible uniform if you’re being racist? If you’re all wearing sheets, how can you be sure of the race of the people in your group?).
So what’s the solution to racism? Well, being a smart person with an IQ in the triple digits, I have an idea. Obviously, what everyone has been trying so far doesn’t work, and what they’ve been trying to do is fight against racism. Maybe racism is too ingrained in us to get rid of it. Maybe evolution programmed us to sort people based on easily seen superficial differences — like skin color — and then hate those who are different. If that’s true, then the only logical way to get rid of racism is to go back in time and kill Charles Darwin before he invents evolution. The problem there is that Stephen Hawking says time travel is impossible, and he would know since he’s part robot.