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Stick With the Benjamins, Sarah

There are five reasons why Sarah Palin shouldn't run for president, including the fact that she doesn't have a chance of winning.

by
Jazz Shaw

Bio

November 26, 2010 - 12:00 am
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By this time everyone in the political arena who doesn’t count themselves among the ranks of the Palinistas is familiar with the routine. Whether you are one of the players on the electoral field or a member of the punditocracy, the rules are clear — there are only certain things which may be said about the ½-term Alaska governor and precise ways in which they may be phrased or thou shalt suffer the wrath of the faithful.

The latest student in this particular school of hard knocks was former First Lady Barbara Bush, who curiously chose to suggest that Ms. Palin should “stay in Alaska.” The response, ranging from bloggers to Beck, was immediate and predictable.

Dear Mrs. Bush: We’ve always admired and respected you. But unfortunately your time is up and under the bus you go.

But that’s the way things work in every hamlet and village of Palinland. You are free to have your own opinions and not support Sarah for anything and everything from president of the United States to the next pope, but if so, do it quietly and keep your mouth shut. Why? Because if you say anything Palin related, running the full range from suggesting that someone else might make a good presidential candidate to wondering if — just possibly — Jennifer and Derek might be slightly better dancers than Bristol and Mark, then you are a hater who seeks to destroy Governor Palin and her beautiful family.

So what brings me to this highly divisive topic today? In the spirit of peace and introspection which accompanies the upcoming holiday season, I could hardly let it pass by without my own dose of hatred and evil plots to destroy the family in question. And with that I present for your inspection and critique the top five reasons Sarah Palin should not run for president.

Your career counselor should be fired

This runs parallel to the same advice I tried to give to both Barack Obama and John McCain in the fall of 2008. Who in the heck would even want the job? Vanity aside, it’s pretty much a losing proposition. Unless the country undergoes an amazing recovery above and beyond the most sunny, pie-in-the-sky estimates, the hoi poloi are in for some tough slogging for several years to come.

And whenever they are unhappy, they tend to react negatively and vote out those currently in power. The federal government has, at best, only a limited ability to force the nation’s economic engine into either higher or lower gears, and even then only over long periods of time. And given the inability of the two warring camps to work together, they’re unlikely to accomplish even the small beneficial effects they might be capable of. Trust me, Sarah … it all ends in tears.

Stick with the Benjamins

Back when you grabbed two beers and headed for the exit slide of the Alaska governor’s mansion, I’ll confess I was taken aback. But at least one part of your explanation eventually made sense to me. You were going broke defending yourself against all of those ethics complaints. And now, to be brutally honest, you’re rolling in dough. You’ve figured out how to cash in big time on everything from reality shows and dashboard bobbleheads to outrageous speaking fees.

You can crank out a book every six months; even if it has nothing in it but pictures of you standing next to a variety of American flags with pithy comments from fortune cookies, you’ll pull down seven or eight figures from it. Next week you could launch a line of Grizzly Bear Jerky Snacks and the poor beasts would probably be on the endangered species list within a month from all the sales. Good for you! This is America and you’re fully entitled to all the success you can manage. But if you get into the election, every dime you make will be scrutinized. And what if you win? Have you seen what that job pays, particularly in light of the hours you have to put in? Stay with your current marketing plan and you should be able to buy your own small country to run before you turn fifty.

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