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Saving Guam from Capsizing All in a Day’s Work for U.S. Congressmen

The average citizen probably wouldn't have even studied the issue, other than maybe looking Guam up on Wikipedia, seeing its president has the odd name of "Barack Obama," and dismissing it as an enemy Muslim nation.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

April 14, 2010 - 12:00 am
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Could Guam capsize? This is not a question a lot of people would think to ask. People just go about their little lives, eating Cheetos, watching Jersey Shore, and never once stopping to think what would happen if a U.S. territory flipped over in the water.

Guam is home to an estimated 178,000 people, and if they and all their homes were thrown into the ocean, it would be one of the greatest disasters in history. There would be loss of life, destruction of property, and permanent damage to the ocean’s ecology. This is a potentially huge problem, but most people are too busy with their new iPads to give it even simple consideration.

This is exactly why we have politicians. Politicians know to study and be concerned about actual important issues so the average citizen doesn’t have to worry about anything more consequential than which funny outfits he should dress his pets in. Our politicians are our best and brightest, and that’s why we put them in charge of what’s most important in this nation. Would the average citizen, when told about plans to put 8,000 Marines on an island, have thought to ask the general in charge about island stability issues? No, he’d most likely unscientifically say, “Guam seems stable to me!” (the same way laymen dismiss global warming because it’s cold outside) and just stare at the general’s shiny medals and ask questions about them.

The average citizen probably wouldn’t have even studied the issue, other than maybe looking Guam up on Wikipedia, seeing its president has the odd name of “Barack Obama,” and dismissing it as an enemy Muslim nation. But Representative Hank Johnson, who we can only assume is the smartest person out of the more than 600,000 people in his district in Georgia, was focused enough to have concerns about Guam capsizing and has potentially saved thousands of lives. They might name a street after him.

Of course, since our politicians are on a higher plane than us, this can cause a bit of a disconnect between them and the hoi polloi. For instance, what have people been concerned about lately? Things like jobs and our wars overseas — the sorts of things stupid people think are important. Politicians, being much smarter than we are, completely ignored those things and worked on health care, creating a giant new government program. The American people can’t understand this and, as happens when dumb people don’t understand things, have become angry. Now Barack Obama is stuck once again traveling around the country trying to explain things in vain to these troglodytes, telling them, “Shut up, stupids! I’m smart and know what’s best!” It’s a very simple point but they don’t seem to be grasping it.

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