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Our Kids Are Doomed. Give Them a Twinkie

Why we need to stop worrying about the future: there is none.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

November 17, 2012 - 12:00 am
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Also, why do we spend so much time and money educating our kids? The smarter they are, the better they’ll comprehend the doom that awaits them, which is just another cruelty. It’s time to just pat our stupid, obese children on the heads, give them some Twinkies to shove in their fat faces, and send them merrily on their way as they naively wait their imminent doom. And I guess we can take a few pictures of polar bears for them so they’ll know what those looked like before they all drowned (and, frankly, I won’t miss them, because they’re all very mean). And we can also take a picture of a Social Security check, as they’re not going to see that either, but it will be part of what ends them.

Now, some will argue that we shouldn’t give up and need to prepare our kids for the future. Punch those people in the junk and yell at them for not listening to the science and the math. Yes, I know some people don’t believe in global warming and others don’t believe the fiscal cliff is a problem, but everyone tends to believe at least one of the two, so it should be a bipartisan belief that we are completely and utterly doomed and might as well give up. But there is no reason to look at that as a bad thing. If we’ve accepted that our future is already destroyed and that there is nothing we can do to change that, then we’ll forget about trying to save things and live as comfortably as we can for as long as we can. We can now toss out those stupid, expensive CFL bulbs and put in some nice incandescents and tear down all those idiotic wind turbines blighting our views of the countryside. And we can come up with some new inventive ways to spend the money we don’t have, like maybe have the federal government buy everyone a new car. So far, each citizen’s share of the national debt is over $50,000. It seems like we should at least get something fun for that.

And yes, we’ll occasionally be sad when we see our dumb little porkers cramming french fries in their mouths, unaware of the destruction that soon awaits them. But hey, we tried. Well, we didn’t really try that hard, as it really seemed like someone else’s job to solve all that. Like the government. I don’t know who is in charge of them.

So let’s just have fun and wait for the end to come. At least we’ll probably get a few more Star Wars movies before it hits.

Though they probably won’t be any good.

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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