On the Decision to Marry: A Guide for the Perplexed
There are practical elements to being married – real practical. Does one of you have a higher tolerance for messiness than the other? Or for noise? Does one of you have zero tolerance for certain ingrained habits of the other? It’s definitely possible to love someone very, very much and be unable to be happily married to that person.
Do you have similar viewpoints on friends and on how sociable you’re comfortable being? Does she like your friends, and vice versa? After marriage, you won’t be living in a vacuum — you’ll still have a social life and it will tend to include friendships you’ve each formed separately. Is one of you more of a hermit and the other more outgoing?
Popular songs, films, and proverbs to the contrary notwithstanding, love does not conquer all. It cannot conquer certain basic incompatibilities, or critically important differences in priorities.
I have a dear friend who received a proposal of marriage from a Canadian man who assumed that living in Vermont would be an ideal compromise between Virginia and Montreal. One of this woman’s goals in life is never to see another snowflake. Vermont wasn’t her idea of a compromise. She didn’t accept his proposal. Will you and Dr. Wright be able to live in the same place? Although bi-coastal marriages do exist, typically in a marriage, geography is destiny.
How will each of you feel when one of you has to attend professional conferences without the other? Will you trust her on solo trips to Hawaii for meetings of the American Medical Association? Will she be able to tolerate your four-day absences at conferences of the Modern Language Association? You don’t want to feel like this:
Who will be at home to raise your children? Assuming that Dr. Wright doesn’t want to stop practicing medicine and that you don’t want to give up teaching, what arrangements will you make for one of you, or someone else, to be with your baby, child, or children?
What will you do if, for some reason, one of you is unable to have children? Would you adopt? Would you both agree to medical interventions to assist in conception?
Apartment or house? Who’ll keep it clean? Dog, cat, both, other pet(s), or none? Who will shop for food? Who’ll cook? Do you like the same foods? If you can afford vacations, does one of you prefer the beach, and the other the slopes? Do you have similar sexual drives, or is one of you frequently subject to “headaches” whenever the other is in the mood?
What about having parents live with you after their spouses die, or when they become infirm? Do you like each others’ families and/or siblings? Have you met them? It’s a good idea to do so before you propose joining your lives until death do you part. Dr. Wright’s family can make an enormously positive difference to your marriage — or not. The same with yours.
While no one can anticipate every possible eventuality in life, everything I’ve mentioned is easily foreseeable. The fact that you can’t know everything in advance doesn’t mean you should settle for knowing nothing beforehand.
Many states require premarital counseling in an effort to decrease the number of divorces. Anyone who goes into a marriage with the idea that “if it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce” hasn’t experienced a divorce. And anyone who believes that “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” isn’t a good candidate for a stable, long-term marriage.
By making an effort to examine each of your hopes and dreams, I urge you not to become overly concerned when all of your preferences don’t line up in perfect harmony. Down here on Earth, they won’t. Since you and Dr. Wright aren’t clones of each other, there will be differences.
For that reason, it’s equally important to figure out what is, in effect, non-negotiable for each of you (the equivalent of my friend’s refusal to live her life under falling snowflakes), and similarly, where each of you can be flexible because a specific issue isn’t a make-or-break one, but merely a preference.
As you get to know each other even better, it’s essential to know yourself, at least to the degree that you know the difference between what you must have as distinct from what you’d merely like to have. In long marriages, many originally disparate habits and preferences tend to converge between spouses over time.
Money is often a problem in marriages, and not necessarily because of a lack of it, but rather because of differing spending habits and radically opposing attitudes toward spending and saving, as well as tolerance for risk. If one loves playing the stock market and the other finds it painfully anxiety-producing, it’s worthwhile to explore these attitudes before saying, “I do.”
You can’t anticipate everything, but you can anticipate a lot. Try doing exactly that. After all, you do want a lifetime of mutual devotion.
Marriage is a daily and nightly experience. It continues 24/7 until death do you part. This is the person you’ll be dating every night for the rest of your life. Some of those dates will take place in emergency rooms and later in hospital rooms. Both well-known and little-known diseases can strike at any moment, as can drunk drivers or just plain bad luck. You’ll need the capacity to love and care for each other when you’re neither as young, as healthy, or as good-looking as you are today.
The decision of whether you want to marry is based not only on your hopes and goals, but also on how well you get along as a team working toward those objectives. Four key qualities will be invaluable whatever vicissitudes come your way — as come they will: kindness, empathy, patience, and flexibility.
After you’ve explored what’s important to each of you, what you most want to achieve in your marriage and in your life together, if you believe that you not only love each other, but also like and respect each other and would sacrifice for the other, in sickness as in health, and can see yourselves not as two “me’s” but as one “us” (albeit composed of two individuals), then — and I’d say, only then — drop to one knee and propose.
— Belladonna Rogers
Do you have questions? Belladonna Rogers has answers. Send your questions or comments about politics, personal or cultural matters, or anything else that’s on your mind and Belladonna will answer as many as possible. The names, geographic locations and email addresses of all advice-seekers are confidential and will remain undisclosed to protect the identity of the questioner. Send your questions or comments to: advice@pjmedia.com
I would say that is a very good article. Been married 2 years and had premarital counseling.
Having been happily married for a long time, I feel that my opinion of this column and issue has some credibility. I can truthfully endorse everything Belladonna says here. If you are contemplating marriage, listen to her! The questions she poses are comprehensive and important.
And oh my, Elvis doing “Suspicious Minds” here really decked me…
I think Bella asks too many questions. No one would ever get married, if they demanded that their mate meet all the standards Bella presents. It appears to me that this questionnaire is designed for a narcissist .
It’s possible you didn’t read this far, but Belladonna clearly writes:
“By making an effort to examine each of your hopes and dreams, I urge you not to become overly concerned when all of your preferences don’t line up in perfect harmony. Down here on Earth, they won’t. Since you and Dr. Wright aren’t clones of each other, there will be differences.
“For that reason, it’s equally important to figure out what is, in effect, non-negotiable for each of you (the equivalent of my friend’s refusal to live her life under falling snowflakes), and similarly, where each of you can be flexible because a specific issue isn’t a make-or-break one, but merely a preference.”
I’ve been married 29 years and would give this advice to any of our children, nieces, nephews or younger friends before they got married.
I wanted to say that too, that I would show this column to my sons when the time came…I think they would appreciate it as long as I declared no interest in their answers, just that they asked the questions!
Though the decision to marry is often (always?) made on the basis of emotions, marriage is not about emotion, and a marriage based on any emotion, including romantic love, is odds-on to fail.
To be secure together, with a good chance of permanence, a married couple must have:
– Compatible values;
– Compatible intentions and priorities concerning home, children, and the future.
If he’s a nomad and she’s a nester, it won’t work.
If she wants children and he just wants sex, it won’t work.
If he’s a spendthrift and she’s concerned for their latter years, it faces danger.
If he’s seriously more into “fun,” however he defines it, than she is, it will experience considerable strain.
If he’s close to his parents, aunts, and uncles, but she can’t abide them, batten down the hatches!
Possibly worst of all, if he’s religious and she feels contempt for his “imaginary friend,” not only shouldn’t they marry; they shouldn’t even date.
Feel free to invert the sexes in any of the above. The point is that spouses must be “headed in the same direction” in the important ways to have a decent chance at a stable, successful marriage. “Having fun together” isn’t nearly enough. Neither is being “one another’s favorite companion.” Those things enhance a marriage, but they’re not sufficient to make it work. Indeed, they might not even be necessary.
If, on the other hand, your overwhelming feeling is that fifty years together couldn’t possibly be enough, then that is the person for you. Seriously. I’ve been married 15 years and still pray we have at least 50 in front of us. I’m married to the best man in the world. I remember wanting to run down the aisle just so we could be married sooner.
And, just to be clear, I was married before, and my feeling on that wedding day was exactly the opposite. I wanted to throw up, but I went through with it. I thought it would change. It didn’t, I didn’t, he didn’t. After three years I couldn’t do it any more. It changed my life, sadly, but it put me where I am today. For that one reason alone I have to be okay with it.
“Possibly worst of all, if he’s religious and she feels contempt for his ‘imaginary friend,’ not only shouldn’t they marry; they shouldn’t even date.”
Where were you when I needed you, Francis W. Porretto, many years ago when I dated and then married my first wife? There’s wisdom in your comment.
i’d also suggest being very careful about the effects of being tenured in a liberal arts professorship on your grip of reality.
As the stream of ivy-league know-it-alls in DC have shown us down through the years, getting anointed by a group of “smart” people in an ivory tower setting and having a clue / being effective in the real (i.e. untenured, competitive, reality, not politics based) world are two completely different things.
I wouldn’t be so excited about tenure… much in the same way I would be very wary of thinking I “have it made” because I won the lottery, or got a trust fund from some rich uncle. It could be a curse in disguise if you are not careful…
Okay … I’m a softie:
“I suggest you get in touch with her as soon as possible and say you’d like to celebrate your new teaching post with her, and make clear in your invitation that there’s no one with whom you’d rather celebrate this great news. That would be a difficult invitation to turn down.”
Probably the best advice/best story I’ve heard in a long time. Bringing a smile to the day! Thanks Belladonna.
F
All the above advice is good, however I agree it pretty extreme- nobody will ever meet this, also opposites tend to attract. That being said I would NEVER marry this guy because of: ‘and now I think I want to marry her’. If he doesn’t know by now he doesn’t want to get married to her, plus showing he doesn’t even know himself enough to be decisive (they must be older to have accomplished so much). He probably second guesses himself on more than this- beta male. I say the woman should run away unless she really wants a undecisive, feelings guy who would write this letter to dear Abby.
I got the same impression. She is a doctor, so he felt she was out of his league until he got his esteemed position. A confident man knows he will achieve sooner or later. If he wants that woman, he goes and gets that woman. His confidence is not tied to what position he has. He is worried about their relative status. What a big, fat sissy! Probably a liberal.
Dating is not about sex or a good time. It is about finding a mate. A date is a job interview that lasts 4 hours. If you are dating for any other reason, chances are good you will find yourself in this guy’s shoes, not certain what to do. If you are “not the marrying kind”, then why the eff are you dating?
Romance is emotional seduction. You are not trying to get into her pants. You are trying to get into her emotions. At the end of the day, you better be ready to consummate the deal and get married, or you are an emotional p****-tease.
There is no reason to get married, the pussy is free with no hang ups, single moms are everywhere and for a man marriage is a lose/lose proposition.
While your bangin’ suzy for free there is no fear of having everything taken from you if suzy finds another man or woman to move in and do the nasty with if your married. Why get married just to have suzy divorce you and screw everyman around in front of your children on your dime.
Never get married it’s like having an enemy living in your house waiting to stab you in the back and steal your money.
Unfortunately, from a certain view point, all your observations have some truth to them.
But then, we tend to associate ourselves with people of similar character so if the women in your acquaintance are so worthless as mates, perhaps the same could be said of you. Look inside and think about what you see.
But if what you say holds true throughout our society, then we are doomed – and maybe we are. But others do find a person they can voluntarily bond to and permanently commit to. Hopefully enough of us can do so and the next generation can be birthed and raised in loving families with emotional and physical security.
At some point, it becomes a matter of personal choice and leadership. Making the right choices ensures that YOU will have a posterity – kids that will proudly call you “Father.” Believe me, that is a man’s greatest satisfaction in life.
You can’t lose what you never had, and that’s the kind of boy you are (I refuse to call anyone who says such things a man). A boy like you has already lost everything before he even enters a relationship. Why? Because you are unwilling to fully commit. Everything you do is halfway. Half-committed is a total loss. What you give is thrown down a black hole, and what you try to hold onto slips through your fingers. A boy like you has no business reproducing, because he can’t take on the commitment necessary to be a father. Either grow up or take a vow of celibacy, because no child deserves to have you for a father.
I find myself wondering if we’re dealing with an insecure person who couldn’t deal with the fact that his wife would be a doctor and the primary breadwinner. I’m guessing that one salary would probably support a household, especially if that one was a MD. This isn’t the same situation it would be if the two people involved were fresh out of High School, or even if they were recent grads from a Universary with a BA degree. Both these players have advanced degrees, and are probably in their late 20s-early 30s. They need to be very sure about their respective “roles” before marrying and having children.
Waidmann
wait till obamacare kicks in and the doctor vents her frustrations at the tenured professor— i wouldnt back track across this bridge
I will offer the same advice I offered a good friend when he was considering getting engaged. Ask yourself this question.
Are you marrying your best friend?
The sex is great, the parties great etc-but most of the time you aren’t doing that. You are just trying to make it through the day. So you have to be able to laugh at each other, laugh and make it through. That’s the for better or worse part. Even if you win the lottery you have problems.
Know that a good marriage is a lot of work.
Life is tough enough without a tough marriage.
I hope that you tell us what happens with this couple. it brightened my day, just like a love song in a musical, when the young man realizes there is hope and joy and love.
Where does the line form to throw up ? oh oh too late.
Thanks for sharing.
this is a good article but the fact that it is needed shows what has gone wrong in our culture. I honestly believe that people in 1957 who just fell in love after a few months acquaintance and who married in about a year did just as well or better than people taking the advice of this author. I also believe that a couple who meet by arrangement of their parents and who have a few discussions together before the ceremony, whether Hindu or Muslim, have as much chance of happiness, contentment, and a meaningful life as any western couple, if not more.
People used to have values about marriage and life and religion and the nation that made marriage more likely to last and couples not just to stay together but to be happier in their relationship. I reject the arrogant view that people today or people since 1968 know more about relationships. Values have changed. The newer values, different from any other we have had since practically the start of human civilization, are harmful to hetrosexual romance. But we can’t do without marriage. It will come back even the comeback signals the end of liberal democracy.
I imagine there were just as many happy and unhappy marriages in both situations, but one would never be able to find out in certainty simply due to societal values. When a woman is married for status, family, and duty does she have the right to say she is unhappy? For that matter, does the man have that right? Or do they have to suck it up and run the family?
As for the fall in love and just got married types…Well I imagine some people are just lucky. Or know that even if they are unhappy at first, they can learn to love the person they thought they were in love. I am in one such marriages, and honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world! I knew my husband for about 7 months and got married. Its been two years and we’re still going strong.
The problem is not that our culture has gone to crap that such an article is needed. These articles are simply the result of people putting their priority of happiness over family status or duty (and the fact not all of us have wizened old family members who could give us advice instead of internet articles). Its not wrong or arrogant–just different. To this day, there are plenty who still take part in arranged marriages (have a friend of my mother’s whose 9 yr old son is set to wed this other lady’s 6 yr old daughter when they are the right age), and more than plenty who fall in love and marry without really thinking about it.
The key is to not marry for the wrong reasons. If you and your partner AGREE that your marriage is right (for family, for duty, for love whatever), then you should be able to work through problems that you might face.
This article is simply about being sure whether or not you want to marry the individual. She gave questions to ask yourself to basically make sure you aren’t just rushing into things and that you have actually put thought into the marriage. The individual doesn’t have to satisfy ALL the questions and criteria–they just have to be considered.
A good article all in all.
Wow, I got married 47 years ago and just didn’t think of all those questions to consider….because Belladonna wasn’t around then! Love her columns, and the music (esp. The King) was wonderful!
That was a great question, about the need for this kind of advice. And why wasn’t Belladonna around 50 years ago when we needed her. Her advice. really very good stuff, could have saved me some bad times and some intense agony–all this about a first marriage that went sour in the first week and got worse and worse even after five kids. Sheesh. Some of us are very slow learners. Yes, this advice is needed nowadays because there are some people out there who will benefit from it. I suggest the two people–any two people–thinking about getting married should ask each other how they feel 1. About Palestine/Israel; 2. Global warming/climate change; 3. Obama. Or choose their own trigger items.
A bit of sage advice: Don’t get married, buddy.
I’ve got a lot of friends who are unhappily, even miserably married. And about four who are married to happily married.
Sure, you might get lucky. But the odds are against you.
I thought I had a good one and rolled the dice.
Turns out I rolled craps.
Now, I’m miserable and my friends laugh at me. I was 42 when I got married and they told me not to do it. But I thought mine was gonna be different. Yeah.
There’s something in that wedding cake that releases all sorts of demons out of brides.
In my case it was alcoholism. In your case? Only time will tell.
Geez, John…and I mean this in the MOST respectful way possible…but you’re a very negative person! Learn from failure and do it right next time…
A casual, presumptuous comment. If he’s negative, did you see anything in what he wrote that might have made him negative?
“Anyone who goes into a marriage with the idea that ‘if it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce’ hasn’t experienced a divorce.”
Amen, Sister Belladonna!!!
Oops…clicked “Submit Comment” too fast…didn’t mean to post anonymously..
“I second that emotion…”
I second this whole article. GREAT advice.
Thanks, Belladonna, for that love story so full of eager hope. May she be as eager for this marriage as he is. Lots of excellent advice & good oldies, too–almost puts me in the mood for love.
There are all kinds of marriages which suit all kinds of people. Exploring all these issues ahead of time is not bad advice, but don’t forget over the years, people and their wants and desires do change. The woman who doesn’t want children might change her mind and the man who does might decide he’d rather pass. The urbanite might suddenly have a yen for outdoor living. A certain degree of flexibility and good will is needed.