In a last-ditch effort to find a moral justification for a war that his radical leftist base could accept, President Barack Obama attributed recent bombings in Africa to al-Qaeda’s bigotry, describing the terrorist masterminds as racist radicals. Accompanied by a somber Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and NAACP President Ben Jealous, President Obama read a joint declaration denouncing al-Qaeda’s bigoted practice of “sacrificing innocent African life” as a means to hit a legitimate Western target. To cover all possible bases, the declaration included a list of other random offenses, such as: the terrorist group’s failure to embrace the local LGBT community, their complete lack of interest in environmental activism and in raising awareness about climate change, turning a blind eye to the existence of a “glass ceiling” for female suicide bombers, and a few documented instances of not separating paper from plastic.

Said Obama:

This is not behavior most self-respecting radicals would condone, nor expect from fellow radicals. From now on, our number one priority in Afghanistan and elsewhere is to impose strict Rules for Radicals on local extremists. If they want to continue to enjoy moral support while fighting U.S. imperialism, they’ll have to play by the book and conform to accepted standards. They’re going to have to learn the meaning of diversity quotas and sensitivity training. They’re going to have to provide proof of employment of a proportional number of atheists, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Animists, and followers of The Ancient Science of Soul Travel, in order to lift the undeserved stigma of violence and extremism from the Muslim faith.

Obama’s change of priorities brought a welcome relief to U.S. field commanders, who were all too happy to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the U.S. Army is facing on a daily basis. As a result, a number of radical groups in Iraq and Afghanistan have already switched sides after only a few days of living under U.S.-mandated Rules for Radicals.

One man, identified only as a “Soldier for Allah,” explained:

We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called “Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions” where they lectured us on matters such as “Gender Awareness,” “Multicultural Identity,” and “Environmental Racism.” For the love of Allah (peace be upon him and his messenger, the Prophet Muhammad), even in Saddam’s prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!

Trembling, he continued:

We had … had … gender role-playing. We had … non-dairy vegan diets. We had … had to …

At this point, he broke down and cried:

You win, America! I had to write a 17-page memo explaining why my unit did not have a Hispanic presence! Please, you win!