News Headlines We Will See in 2011
The time between Christmas and New Year’s Day is one of the slowest news periods of the year, which is why you see an avalanche of “Top Ten” this and “Most Important” that on a lot of websites. When there’s nothing to write about, columnists and analysts will generally write about … nothing, albeit as creatively and entertainingly as possible.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Aaron Hanscom, PJM’s managing editor, pinged me on our AIM channel and asked me to write a year end piece, listing the top stories for 2010.
Now Aaron is a benevolent tyrant. It’s been years since he executed a writer for refusing to obey orders, and floggings have become quite rare — at least for males. Nevertheless, it was not without a little trepidation that I meekly suggested an alteration in my assignment: I wanted to write a piece predicting news headlines for 2011.
With a personal motto of “the easy way is always the best way,” you can see why I chose predictions over doing all that boring research on which stories made an impact over the previous year. Writing about what’s going to happen is infinitely less stressful and more entertaining than penning a column on what has already occurred.
Besides, it’s New Year’s Eve, you and I want to go out tonight and celebrate, and if perchance you don’t catch up with this article until New Year’s Day, reading it will not put any additional demands on your hangover-addled brain. So consider this my holiday gift to all of you who have given me your love and support this past year.
The easy thing about predicting news headlines for 2011 is that they will almost certainly look an awful lot like news headlines from 2010. The dirty little secret about this insignificant little ball of dust and gasses we exist upon is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Anyone can predict that Hugo Chavez will say something loony, Vladmir Putin will do something odd, and some jihadist nutcase will blow himself up actually thinking that 72 virgins await him in paradise. The challenge is to come up with something plausible and present it as something new and exciting.
For instance, I have absolutely no doubt that over the next year, there will probably be several headlines involving a Democrat saying something bat guano crazy about economics. It’s not that Democrats know next to nothing about how the economy works. It’s that they are absolutely, stone cold clueless about the subject. Comparative lit majors didn’t need to take Econ 101 to graduate, so the subject is even less familiar than Mandarin Chinese to most liberals. You get the impression that liberals believe that unless government controls it, nothing exists, and that this control extends to every thin dime you earn by the sweat of your brow. It’s not your money, it’s government’s — and government has the power to tell you how much of it you can keep, rather than you telling government how much they can take.
Anyone who seriously believes that unemployment benefits are “the biggest boost we can give the economy” will no doubt make similar horrifically inept gaffes in the coming year about the nature of a free market and how things really work. Try these on for size, the generic “Democrat” substituting for the name. Just fill in the blanks later:
“Democrat accuses GOP of trying to shorten recession on the backs of the unemployed”
“Democrat says 90% employment ‘acceptable’”
“Democrat says eliminating 200,000 jobs in coal industry will grow the economy”
Some headlines in 2011 will reach way back to the 1970s, such as, “Obama Seeks ‘Peace with Honor’ in Afghanistan with the Taliban.” Wow, where have I heard that one before? Funny thing is, the next headline will be, “Obama Promotes Afghanization of the War, Hands Off More Responsibilities to the Afghan Army.” After that, I can tell you what a headline in 2012 will be. The big one will read, “US Helicopters Fly off Embassy Roof in Kabul, Completing Evacuation of Americans in Afghanistan.”
Yup, some things never change.
Another 2011 headline will read, “White House says recession is over”.
In May 2011, “Experts warn that there will be 73 hurricanes this year”. And in November 2011, “Experts revise 2011 hurricane predictions to 1 tropical depression”.
For a list of headlines you WILL see coming from Obama, read his leaked e-mail here… http://beautifulletters-bls.blogspot.com/2010/12/president-obama-lists-new-years.html
1. Minnesota Twins cancel a record 25 games because of freezing global warming.
2. Michelle Obama declares she’s proud to be an Egyptian relative of King Tut because they had similar teeth.
3. Eric Holder admitted to emergency room for problems breathing. Said Holder: “I forgot how.”
4. Statue of Liberty to be airlifted to Guananara Bay, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil to hopefully stunt more illegal immigration into the U.S.
5. Independence Day moved to July 5th by Supreme Court ruling. 4 is an unlucky and offensive number for muslims.
6. Rock band “Rage Against the Machine” to open “Rage At Bush World” in cooperation with American Express and Coca Cola. It will be a Disney-like theme park where one can virtually mock assassinate any past American President you choose.
7. “Black Swan” wins Oscar and is also voted “Worst Movie of the Year” by George Orwell’s great grandson.
8. President Obama signs an Executive Order granting amnesty to everyone in the world who hasn’t snuck into America yet.
9. The government of Haiti builds a 10 million dollar bronze statue depicting its last tree.
10. On April 2nd, everybody in Iran wakes up dead and Mexico declared 58th U.S. state by Berkeley, CA City Council.
Rick,
I think you made a few stunningly obvious mistakes. I am very disappointed in you.
1. Republicans do not have more illicit sex than do Democrats, and they do not get caught more frequently than do Democrats. What is actually happening is the media aggressively covers up all Democrat sex scandals, while actively searching for and vigorously promoting all Republican sex scandals. Also, the media attempts to destroy anyone who tries to protect a Republican, or who tries to tell the truth about a Democrat.
2. Regarding Global Warming, the headlines will say that cold snaps are proof of Global Warming, and hot spells are proof of Global Warming. Unusually calm periods are proof of Global Warming, and unusually active periods are proof of Global Warming. All upward trends are proof of Global Warming, and all downward trends are proof of Global Warming.
3. Obama’s lawyers have fought 12 lawsuits (so far) asking him to release his birth certificate. He has spent over $2 million so far, fighting it. No matter where he was born, NOBODY spends that much money and effort to stop an act that takes about 10 minutes and costs $1.15 to execute, unless there is something to hide. Therefore, next year’s headlines will repeatedly attack anybody who attempts to make this childishly simple and completely obvious point.
Add to the above, that it is a childishly simple and obvious point that proof of your place of birth is the first, and most basic, requirement for legitimacy as a candidate for the office of President. It’s not called “ridiculous” or “conspiracy mongering” to demand to see the official documents for someone applying for the highest job in the land, it’s called “STEP ONE.” Anyone who refuses to disclose those documents should be automatically disqualified from running for president.
Every other citizen in this country is required to hand over their personal information— and any government documentation as required— to apply for a job, a bank loan, or federal aid in any form. If I’m expected to retrieve my birth certificate to apply for FOOD STAMPS, “golden boy” Obama can damn well hand over his to enter the White House– along with any and every other documentation about his life from his birth on up that the people of this country demand of him!
What if the Birth Certificate identifies Obama Sr. as an Arab or Muslim,which he certainly was, rather than an African? There is something on the Birth Certificate Obama wants to hide, and I bet it isn’t the location of his birth. A perfect case of misdirection. It wouldn’t surprise me if half the “Birthers” were stalking horses for the left.
thanks rick! that was excellent.
More realistic headlines:
“Record heat continues: Scientist says it proves global warming”
Then, a little later in the year:
“Cold snap grips region: Scientist says it proves global warming”
Followed by
“Global warming scientist admits no global warming since 1955: Scientist says it proves global warming….”
And oh yes:
“Obama’s birth certificate disclosed, proves he was born in Kenya, just like his grandmother said—- Media denounces it as “fake.” “
Rick Moron what a joke. My high school daughter could have wrote that piece of crap.
Well, with all this stuff said and done we might as well close out 2011 right now and get on with electing Sarah Palin in 2012 as our next President.
Not a dog gone word was said about her in 2011.
Dear Red,
“Could have wrote?”.
Hmmm.
“Headlines”? They’re nothing but ‘Sale Tags’. Like printing 50% OFF on a new Cadillac. Then you take the time to read the entire article and find at the last paragraph, ‘offer only good in Mexifornia’.