A new year is upon us, so that means it’s time for resolutions. My New Year’s resolution is to hunt down and administer street justice to the biker gang that murdered my family. Yes, I know that was my resolution last year, but there were some good things on TV, and I guess I got a little lazy and lost interest. But this year … street justice! Then again, Lost and 24 are about to return …
But you probably don’t care about my resolutions. Using research, reporting, and indisputable scientific models, I have determined the New Year’s resolutions of a number of famous people.
George W. Bush: Keep active after leaving the White House.
I have a recommendation for him: professional dodgeball. The guy has mad reflexes. And to quote my favorite movie Casablanca: “If you can dodge a shoe, you can dodge a ball.”
Barack Obama: Finally have a notable accomplishment.
A year from now, if some wisenheimer like Hannity asks one of Obama’s supporters to name something significant he’s done, Obama is going to make sure they have an answer this time that isn’t campaign-related. If he succeeds, he’ll have a lot to write about for his third memoir.
John McCain: Never again say or do anything that will please conservatives.
If I were going to bet on one of these being kept, it would be this one.
Sarah Palin: Resurrect the woolly mammoth.
Palin has gotten an unfair rap on her intelligence, so to fight that, she plans to contribute to genetic research and successfully implant an elephant with a woolly mammoth embryo. When the mammoth is old enough, she plans to release it into the Alaskan wild and hunt and kill it. It should make an awesome rug.
Rod Blagoveich: Clean up his language.
When he saw the transcripts of the tapes of him on the news, he was so embarrassed. Getting arrested for selling a Senate seat will blow over eventually — we’ve all been there, and it’s not the sort of thing we judge each other on — but when people find out you’re a potty mouth, they lose respect for you.
Caroline Kennedy: Be a Kennedy.
Is there any accomplishment more important than that?
Joe Biden: Learn ninjitsu.
He already moves about unnoticed by anyone, so he might as well be a ninja.
Michelle Obama: Remember more often to tell America she loves it.
It did elect her husband president; it can’t be that bad.
Hillary Clinton: Become President Obama’s close confidant.
That’s part one of her four-part plan to destroy him.
Joe Lieberman: Get a paying gig for his alternative metal band “Independent Malice.”
The guy is a metal freak, and he doesn’t care who knows it.
Dick Cheney: Stop consuming the souls of small children.
That’s been his New Year’s resolution for a while, but he keeps falling off the wagon. One day at a time, buddy. One day at a time.
Jesse Jackson: Try new innovative ways of race-baiting.
It’s going to be a challenge to keep stirring up racial animosity from minorities when there is a black president, but a master race-baiter never shirks from a challenge.
Congressional Republicans: Become the party of fiscal responsibility that opposes unnecessary spending.
This time for real. Seriously.
Big Three Automakers: Sell at least eight cars.
Gotta justify those billions in bailout money.
Congressional Democrats: Finally pass some of their agenda.
They weren’t able to do it with a majority in the House and Senate and a Republican president whose approval was in the toilet, but now with even bigger majorities and a Democrat president, there’s upwards of a thirty percent chance of it happening now.
Iraq: Become the most stable and free country in the Muslim world.
Not as ambitious as it should be.
Iran: Create working nuclear missiles.
For the purposes of feeding hungry orphans, of course — not war. They really hate how everyone assumes the worst motives for their desire to be capable of murdering millions.
Vladimir Putin: Reconquer former Soviet territories.
Most Americans never even heard of those countries, so maybe they won’t notice.
Al-Qaeda: Foster greater sense of unity to reduce infighting. Also, kill America and the Jews.
Mexico: Build fence along American border.
The poor American job market could see Americans trying to sneak into Mexico for jobs. They don’t take Venezuela not respecting their sovereignty, so they’re certainly not going to put up with that from Americans.
NASA: Finally remember to put a sign by the shuttle airlock reading: “Remember to secure all loose articles before exiting the craft.”
The U.S. Marines: Kill everyone who might even think of harming America.
That’s been their New Year’s resolution forever, and there’s no reason to think they’ll actually achieve it this year. Still, if you shoot for the moon and miss, you’ll still be among the stars.
Code Pink: Ensure America’s military defeat through annoying screaming.
They’d better get working on that, because it doesn’t look like they have much time to end the war before victory does it for them.
Daily Kos Bloggers: In the spirit of hope and change, finally move out of their parents’ basements.
Glenn Reynolds: Try blending kittens for a change.
If they’re small enough, he could also try using a juicer instead.
O.J. Simpson: Catch the real killers.
I know he’s had that resolution for a long time, but he has an advantage this year. There’s no better place to search for killers than in a prison.