A new year is upon us, so that means it’s time for resolutions. My New Year’s resolution is to hunt down and administer street justice to the biker gang that murdered my family. Yes, I know that was my resolution last year, but there were some good things on TV, and I guess I got a little lazy and lost interest. But this year … street justice! Then again, Lost and 24 are about to return …
But you probably don’t care about my resolutions. Using research, reporting, and indisputable scientific models, I have determined the New Year’s resolutions of a number of famous people.
George W. Bush: Keep active after leaving the White House.
I have a recommendation for him: professional dodgeball. The guy has mad reflexes. And to quote my favorite movie Casablanca: “If you can dodge a shoe, you can dodge a ball.”
Barack Obama: Finally have a notable accomplishment.
A year from now, if some wisenheimer like Hannity asks one of Obama’s supporters to name something significant he’s done, Obama is going to make sure they have an answer this time that isn’t campaign-related. If he succeeds, he’ll have a lot to write about for his third memoir.
John McCain: Never again say or do anything that will please conservatives.
If I were going to bet on one of these being kept, it would be this one.
Sarah Palin: Resurrect the woolly mammoth.
Palin has gotten an unfair rap on her intelligence, so to fight that, she plans to contribute to genetic research and successfully implant an elephant with a woolly mammoth embryo. When the mammoth is old enough, she plans to release it into the Alaskan wild and hunt and kill it. It should make an awesome rug.
Rod Blagoveich: Clean up his language.
When he saw the transcripts of the tapes of him on the news, he was so embarrassed. Getting arrested for selling a Senate seat will blow over eventually — we’ve all been there, and it’s not the sort of thing we judge each other on — but when people find out you’re a potty mouth, they lose respect for you.
Caroline Kennedy: Be a Kennedy.
Is there any accomplishment more important than that?
Joe Biden: Learn ninjitsu.
He already moves about unnoticed by anyone, so he might as well be a ninja.
Michelle Obama: Remember more often to tell America she loves it.
It did elect her husband president; it can’t be that bad.