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New Year’s Resolutions for All Americans

For starters, maybe we could try to owe fewer dollars in debt than there are stars in the known universe. (Also read Roger L. Simon: "2010: A Year of Living Dangerously?")

by
Frank J. Fleming

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January 1, 2010 - 12:10 am
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So we just finished up another decade. I don’t know about you guys, but I thought it was a ton of fun. It did go on a little long, though. And while it did have a lot of action, I didn’t quite follow the plot the whole time. Still, I think it’s a nice start to improve upon for the next nine decades of this century.

Anyway, it’s our civic duty as Americans to make each year even more awesome than the last. This is how we pay tribute to the sacrifices of our forefathers. And while we haven’t quite done that the past few years, it is something we should continue to strive for. So, to contribute to that, I have written some New Year’s resolutions for all of America.

Try to owe fewer dollars in debt than there are stars in the known universe.

Let’s try and set a realistic goal here. We have a liberal president and a liberal Congress, so debt is going to increase. They just love spending too much. But let’s at least keep the debt from being so large it collapses upon itself into a singularity and destroys the solar system.

Try to check the plausibility of events before creating a media firestorm.

“Oh no! A kid in a runaway balloon! How could this happen to a family of media whores?”

While continuing to trust science, let’s make sure the scientists we’re getting it from aren’t douche nozzles.

I like science — we all like science — but if we’re going to throw a huge wrench into our economy, let’s make sure it’s not on the advice of scientists who treat data like a used-car salesman treats an old Chevy.

Next time we pick a leader, let’s make sure he has more qualifications than a bunch of empty slogans of the sort you’d use to sell carbonated beverages.

Yeah, we won’t get a chance in the next year, but let’s try and do that at least once this next decade. It’s hard, but we can do it. Yes we can.

If we have another economic crisis, let’s not hand a blank checkbook to a bunch of Democrats.

Politicians love spending money — Democrats especially. If we had a problem of having way too much money and needed to get rid of it quickly, you’d be a fool to elect anyone other than Democrats. But if the problem is that we’re running out of money, it may be a bad idea to put Democrats in charge, because their solution to having too little money will inevitably be to spend more money.

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