The new book Game Change, with its inside look at politics, has been selling out everywhere because of all its shocking revelations about many political figures. Not to be outdone, I’ve decided to start researching my own book — Bad Stuff ‘Bout Politicians — which will include numerous scandalous details I found through my super-secret inside sources. Some have already accused these sources of being “imaginary,” to which I respond, “No, you’re imaginary!” Others have accused me of being on drugs, which is completely untrue, and you can’t have any.
Anyway, here are some of the shocking things I’ve found so far, much of them about the 2008 presidential campaign:
- John Edwards’ $400 haircut: $10 for the haircut and $390 for hookers.
- Of the many Democratic senators’ reactions to Barack Obama running for president, Harry Reid’s was actually the least racist.
- John McCain’s speech at the Republican National Convention was significantly altered from his original “so I hate you and you all hate me” version.
- Sarah Palin had never actually shot a moose, but had instead found pleasure in laying a gun down in front of a moose and cruelly breaking its self-esteem until it took its own life.
- Hillary Clinton was so enraged by her loss to Obama in the Iowa primary that the only way to calm her down was to give her a big box of cute little kittens that she could bite the heads off of.
- Barack Obama’s rumored drug use was a lot more recent than most people think, but he vowed to never do it again after he woke up one morning with Joe Biden as a running mate.
- When it started to look like Sarah Palin wasn’t fully vetted, the press immediately took up the slack, analyzing everything about her — a process that continues to this day. When they get done, the press swears they’ll then take a look at Obama.
- To avoid a scandal due to remarks he might make, to this day no one has told Senator Byrd that the president is now black.
- In the same speech in which Barack Obama referred to bitter people clinging to guns and religion, he later said, “I just really hate those people. Hate them. What is that everyone always calls those people? Oh yeah: Americans. I hate them.”
- Bill Clinton’s philandering had by the 2008 presidential election become increasingly uncontrollable, his romantic trysts moving on to involve multiple women, then farm animals, then plants, and then lawn furniture.
- Barack Obama first had second thoughts about Joe Biden as a running mate when saw him repeatedly lose to a chicken at tic-tac-toe.
- There are some rumors that Chris Dodd ran for president, but I haven’t been able to find any hard confirmation of that.