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Making Conservatives Less Angry

Advice to liberals about how to calm down those dangerous, racist, angry, fire-breathing right-wingers.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

September 28, 2009 - 12:12 am

Conservatives are very angry these days. I haven’t seen conservatives this angry since the last time a Democrat was president. So the anger is probably because the president is black. While that might not seem so bad, conservative anger could lead to something disastrous: their mobilizing to vote against Democrats.

If that occurs, what happens to the Democrats’ dream of spending lots of money on seemingly random things? One day the American people will become enlightened enough to surrender democracy to their betters, who would give them such rewards as free (FREE!) health care, but until then conservative anger has to be dealt with. If not, crazy people like Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will force absolutely anyone who happens to be an avowed Communist out of public office.

Despite the apparent menace, imprisonment of conservatives for their dangerous attitudes is not yet an option (we’ll be pushing that bill right before the midterm elections). Thus we must make other efforts to quell conservative anger. Here are some ideas:

How to make conservatives less angry

Actively ignore them: The most basic strategy to try and keep conservatives from being so angry is to never, ever listen to them. If they try to discuss an issue with you, just cover your ears and scream, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” If they realize there is no chance we’ll even listen to them, maybe they’ll decide to just give up trying to have their uneducated viewpoints.

Call them racists: If we shout “Racist!” every time they say something, maybe they’ll finally reflect on the racism that motivates them against a black president and give up whatever silly cause they think they’re pushing. If they dispute the racism accusation, point out how sensitive they are about the charge and how that further proves it’s true (people who really aren’t racist shouldn’t have any problem with being called racist). If further evidence is needed, point out to them that the president is black and they are white and that it’s obvious to everyone that a white person saying bad things about an underprivileged black person is quite racist. If the conservative isn’t white, though, this can be confusing. Make sure to give that person a pamphlet describing the political views he is supposed to have based on his race. If the person doesn’t read the pamphlet, you might have to try using a racial slur. It’s okay, if the person deserves it.

Point out how much smarter Obama is than they are: Obama is obviously very smart (obviously!), but somehow conservatives are overlooking that simple fact. Maybe they’ll be less angry if we keep emphasizing how Obama and his staff are much, much smarter than they are, and in fact they are very stupid compared to Obama and other liberals. Then conservatives will realize that Obama, being smarter than them, probably knows what he’s doing, so there is nothing to fear and be angry about unless you’re a really stupid person.

Use sexual slurs: Conservatives are made uncomfortable by sex talk because of their Jesus person, so associating sexual slurs with everything they do might make them uncomfortable and cause them to give up their protests. For example, when conservatives started having “tea parties,” we started using the slur “tea baggers” to describe them. Any good liberal should know tons of terms describing lewd sexual acts, so be creative!

Make sure no one in the media addresses their concerns: If conservatives can’t get any confirmation of their silly, angry views in the media, maybe they’ll give them up. This has been a problem since talk radio and Fox News came along, though. Still, a boycott of people like Glenn Beck seems to have had some effect. If we can force him off the air, maybe then conservatives will instead watch Keith Olbermann and learn to be calm and reasoned.

Disparage their values: Everyone wants to have popular values, so if we ridicule their values maybe they’ll discard them and instead have the more popular values of the smart people on TV. So always laugh at them if they bring up the invisible sky fairy they worship so they know that’s a dumb belief. Also laugh at any patriotic beliefs they have. Yes, it seems like patriotism should be okay since Obama is now the leader of their country, but somehow it still makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, liking the country is a conservative thing and is part of what makes them angry, so let’s make them stop that.

Threaten them with violence: Finally, we can always use physical threats to get them to not be angry. I don’t mean we should shoot them like when those anti-choice people were shot recently (though that is understandable since conservatives are so dangerous and violent that they have to be stopped by any means necessary), but we could at least rough them up. Yes, most liberals are kinda, well, too puny to do that, but there are always union thugs who are smart enough to do whatever liberals tell them.

Liberals finally have a chance to block conservatives from government forever, but we can’t accomplish that if they’re always angry and keep trying to stop us. That’s why it’s important that we all do everything we can to stop conservative anger. I know many of you are already doing some of the items I outlined, but we need further efforts to stop this dangerous anger from crazy conservatives — anger which stems from them talking about the issues. We want to have an enlightened country where new viewpoints are welcome, but we can’t ever have that if conservatives ever speak — ever. They are all just so crazy angry. I hate them so much and want to bash in their faces until they shut up!

Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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