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Making Conservatives Less Angry

Advice to liberals about how to calm down those dangerous, racist, angry, fire-breathing right-wingers.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

September 28, 2009 - 12:12 am
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Use sexual slurs: Conservatives are made uncomfortable by sex talk because of their Jesus person, so associating sexual slurs with everything they do might make them uncomfortable and cause them to give up their protests. For example, when conservatives started having “tea parties,” we started using the slur “tea baggers” to describe them. Any good liberal should know tons of terms describing lewd sexual acts, so be creative!

Make sure no one in the media addresses their concerns: If conservatives can’t get any confirmation of their silly, angry views in the media, maybe they’ll give them up. This has been a problem since talk radio and Fox News came along, though. Still, a boycott of people like Glenn Beck seems to have had some effect. If we can force him off the air, maybe then conservatives will instead watch Keith Olbermann and learn to be calm and reasoned.

Disparage their values: Everyone wants to have popular values, so if we ridicule their values maybe they’ll discard them and instead have the more popular values of the smart people on TV. So always laugh at them if they bring up the invisible sky fairy they worship so they know that’s a dumb belief. Also laugh at any patriotic beliefs they have. Yes, it seems like patriotism should be okay since Obama is now the leader of their country, but somehow it still makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, liking the country is a conservative thing and is part of what makes them angry, so let’s make them stop that.

Threaten them with violence: Finally, we can always use physical threats to get them to not be angry. I don’t mean we should shoot them like when those anti-choice people were shot recently (though that is understandable since conservatives are so dangerous and violent that they have to be stopped by any means necessary), but we could at least rough them up. Yes, most liberals are kinda, well, too puny to do that, but there are always union thugs who are smart enough to do whatever liberals tell them.

Liberals finally have a chance to block conservatives from government forever, but we can’t accomplish that if they’re always angry and keep trying to stop us. That’s why it’s important that we all do everything we can to stop conservative anger. I know many of you are already doing some of the items I outlined, but we need further efforts to stop this dangerous anger from crazy conservatives — anger which stems from them talking about the issues. We want to have an enlightened country where new viewpoints are welcome, but we can’t ever have that if conservatives ever speak — ever. They are all just so crazy angry. I hate them so much and want to bash in their faces until they shut up!

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of Punch Your Inner Hippie, coming November 11th, and the science fiction novel Superego, coming later this year, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, and blogs at IMAO.us, and if he were president, he'd never be seen on the golf course during international crises, because he'd be in the White House basement playing video games.
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