Laughing at the Contradictions of Socialism in America
After the number of “caring,” bleeding-heart politicians in Washington reached a critical mass, it was only a matter of time before the government started ordering banks to help the poor by giving them risky home loans through community organizers. Which resulted in a bigger demand, which resulted in rising prices, which resulted in slimmer chances of repaying the loans, which resulted in more pressure on the banks, which resulted in repackaging of bad loans, which resulted in a collapse of the banks, which resulted in a recession, which resulted in many borrowers losing their jobs, which resulted in no further mortgage payments, which resulted in a financial disaster, which resulted in a worldwide crisis, with billions of poor people overseas — who had never seen a community organizer, nor applied for a bad loan — becoming even poorer than they had been before the “progressives” in the U.S. government decided to help the poor.
As if that were not enough, the same bleeding hearts are now trying to fix this by nationalizing the banks so that they can keep issuing risky loans through community organizers. In other words, to prevent the toast from landing buttered side down, they’re planning to butter the toast on both sides and hope that it will hover in mid-air. Which also seems like a sensible alternative energy initiative.
If that doesn’t fix the problem, there’s always the last resort of a liberal: blame capitalism. It’s always a win-win. Today government regulators may be blaming capitalism for the crisis caused by their dilettantish tampering with the economy, but who do you think they will credit after market forces resuscitate the economy?
Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent “revolutionary” changes have turned reality on its head — which is what “revolution” literally means — I’m getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.
As your comrade from the future, I also feel a social obligation to help my less advanced comrades in the American community, and prepare them for the transition to the glorious world of underground literature, half-whispered jokes, and the useful habit of looking over your shoulder. Don’t become a nation of cowards — but watch who might be listening.
Let’s start with these few.
People’s power:
- Liberals believe they’re advancing people’s power — yet they don’t believe people can do anything right without their guidance.
- People can’t do anything right — yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.
- The government bureaucracy can do everything — yet liberals don’t like it when the government takes control of their lives.
- Liberals don’t like it when the government takes control of their lives — yet they vote for programs that increase people’s dependency on the government.
- They vote for programs that increase people’s dependency on the government — yet they believe they’re advancing people’s power.
Bush and the media:
- The media said Bush was dumb — yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.
- He won over two intelligent Democrats — yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.
- The media said his ratings were hopeless — yet the 2004 electoral map was red.
- The 2004 electoral map was red — yet the media said his policies failed.
- The media said his policies failed — yet the economy grew and the war was won.
- The economy grew and the war was won — yet the media said we needed “change.”
Public education:
- Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years — yet education is out of control.
- Education is out of control — yet liberal teaching methods prevail.
- Liberal teaching methods prevail — yet public schools are failing.
- Public schools are failing — yet their funding keeps growing.
- Their funding keeps growing — yet public schools are always underfunded.
- Public schools are always underfunded — yet private schools yield better results for less.
- Private schools yield better results for less — yet public education is the only way out of the crisis.
Foreign radicals*:
- Foreign radicals hate America — yet they’re all wearing American blue jeans.
- They’re all wearing American blue jeans — yet they disdain American culture.
- They disdain American culture — yet they play American music, movies, and video games.
- They play American music, movies, and video games — yet they call Americans uncivilized.
- They call Americans uncivilized — yet they expect Americans to defend their civilization.
- They expect Americans to defend their civilization — yet they think American capitalism is outdated.
- They think American capitalism is outdated — yet most of their countries require American handouts.
(* Some Democrat politicians have similar opinions about their redneck constituents — yet they won’t shut up about how proud they are to have their mandate.)
Liberals and taxes:
- Liberals want to help the poor — yet they won’t give money to charities.
- They won’t give money to charities — yet they’d like the government to become a gigantic charity.
- They’d like the government to become a gigantic charity — yet the money has to be taken from people by force.
- The money has to be taken from people by force — yet they call it welfare.
- They call it welfare — yet higher taxes make everyone poorer.
- Higher taxes make everyone poorer — yet liberals find ways not to pay taxes.
- Liberals find ways not to pay taxes — yet they get to be chosen to run the government.
Liberals and the CIA:
- The CIA is a reactionary institution — yet its agents always leak information that helps liberals politically.
- CIA agents always leak information that helps liberals politically — yet liberals say the CIA is clueless.
- Liberals say the CIA is clueless — yet in their movies the CIA is running the world.
- In their movies the CIA is running the world — yet they tell us that better intelligence could have prevented the war.
- Better intelligence could have prevented the war — yet “enhanced interrogations” of captured terrorists must not be allowed.
Love and marriage:
- Sex differences are the result of social conditioning — yet homosexuality is biological.
- Homosexuality is biological — yet everybody is encouraged to experiment with it.
- Everybody is encouraged to experiment with it — yet venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers’ expense.
- Venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers’ expense — yet taxpayers have no right to impose standards since there are no moral absolutes.
- There are no moral absolutes — yet gay marriage is an absolute must.
- Gay marriage is an absolute must — yet family is an antiquated tool of bourgeois oppression.
Soviet jokes eh?
We pretend to work, they pretend to pay us.
A camel is a racehorse designed by a committee.
My favourite though concerns three policemen who were inseparable buddies. Why?
Apparently, one could read, one could write, and the other? He just liked the company of intellectuals.
If you don’t like those, well just like my ethics, I have others.
Oh, and one of my own.
Did ya hear the one about the Soviet Union?
It collapsed.
Bwahahahahahaha.
Don’t laugh too hard. We’re on the precipice of the exact same collapse for the exact same reason.
Exactly.
A few things I’d be horrified to hear from my children in the next few years (but they’re becoming increasingly likely)
1. Honey, did our “opportunity” come in the mail yet?
2. Look Mommy, the soup line is shorter than the “tax cut” line!!
3. Daddy, what do you mean when you say, “There’s too much month at the end of opportunity?”
i could go on and on…
Here’s another.
Did ya hear the one about America?
They voted Barak Obama President.
Ok ok, I know. That one’s not very funny.
It was circa 1969. My brothers and I were washing and drying dishes after dinner. My older brother predicted that the USA would become more like the Soviet Union and the Soviet Union would become more like the USA. How did he know?
At least for now we can openly complain about the liberals. I say for now. Keep on this coarse and who knows what might happen in our so called free ? society. I personally just bought the ‘Roseta Stone’ Chinese edition, I think I’m going to need it !
they want America to be more like those other countries – yet they think America is the best country in the world.
Why do Secret Policemen always travel in threes?
One can read
One can write
One watches the other two, they might be subversives
I think this is a Vaclav Havel Joke . . .
Oleg,
Keep the funnies coming, it helps me when I can laugh about it.
Here’s one on population:
Europe is dying – yet young mothers don’t want to have babies.
Young mothers don’t want to have babies – yet the world collective wants to limit family size.
The world collective wants to limit family size – yet the global warming death cult wants to collectivize family life.
The global warming death cult wants to collectivize family life – yet those who yell Family Sovereignty are told they are selfishly killing the planet by having a large family.
Those who yell Family Sovereignty are told they are selfishly killing the planet by having a large family – yet it is the selfish who abort away their children so as not to be “saddled with the demands of raising a baby”.
It is the selfish who abort away their children so as not to be “saddled with the demands of raising a baby” – yet these are the same people who tell mothers and fathers they are “selfish” for wanting to have a large family….
Oh and Europe is dying…so is Japan, where they recently started giving cash incentives to young mothers to give birth.
Brilliant Comrade! Now report to Ministry of Information immediately for re-education.
I think the best one was told by the late satirical SF writer Robert Sheckley, in his book “Futuropolis: Fantastic Cities of Fact and Fantasy”;
“A police state is defined as one in which, if the authorities make a mistake, they apologize, but if you make a mistake, they kill you.”
When you listen to the “progressives’” rhetoric regarding those they see as “unenlightened”, at DailyKos, Democratic Underground, and in meetings in the real world where they think no one else is listening, they may not quite be there yet. But as Dorothy L. Sayers might say, they are certainly “panting for the opportunity”.
clear ether
eon
I like that flag design;it’s so apropos for the Obamanation’s reign.
Four years of higher education distilled down to two pages. I must have my high school age son read this. He’ll get a leg up before entering his formal indoctrination. He’ll know all the answers to provide on the exams and know the truth at the same time. I find it interesting that it was the most Marxist of my professors who warned me about deviating from the appropriate narrative sought on my essay exams. He enjoyed it but was warning me about the others. I followed his advice and did well. That is until I took the requisite Constitutional Law class in law school. I deviated and paid a very heavy price the first semester. The second semester we had a different professor and I stayed true to my rebellion. Although a radical leftist, this professor enjoyed the challenge and made up for my fist semester marks so it all evened out in the end.
A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, “His name was Dmitri Karishnicov.”
“How did you find out?”
“He confessed,” the advisor said.
Here’s a list of economists who disagree with Obama’s stimulus bill:
http://acuf.org/issues/issue127/090302news.asp
I love the one where the guy turns up in a Gulag, wailing I got ten years for doing nothing, thats rubbish he is told, you get five years for nothing.
Three men in a Gulag are talking the first says I was late for work by 5 minutes so I was arrested and jailed for sabotage, the other said I was 5 minutes early for work and I was arrested for spying, the third says that he was on time and was arrested for having a Western watch…
Ivan and Boris were poor soviet era peasants. Although equally poor there was one difference between them, Ivan had a goat but Boris didn’t. For this reason Boris absolutely hated Ivan
One day, Boris found an old oil lamp which of course he rubbed and lo and behold appeared a Genie.
“Greetings comrade” said the Genie. “I can give you one wish.”
Without hesitation Boris replied;
“I wish Ivan’s goat would die.”
Brilliant…great work, but just one minor complaint….please stop calling these commies “liberals”. You know better than any of us that a true liberal is the polar opposite of the socialist fascists that now run the U.S. government.
You should all look up theobamaforum.com – reporting “subversives has already begun.
What happens if you put a communist in a room by himself?
Within 5 minutes he’ll suffer an ideological schism, declare himself an enemy of the revolution and put an ice-pick through his own head.
We should mock those in power – it is our most effective weapon. Whereas the Left spits venom at evil killer conservatives, we demonstrate our confidence in our beliefs by simply laughing at the ridiculous socialists:
http://trackacrat.com/
A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man.
The American said, “For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there.”
“That’s nothing,” the Frenchman said. “We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him.”
The Russian said, “The ten of us gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night. Afterwards one of us goes to the local jail, to visit the other nine.”
Rats multiply in the Kremlin and the Soviet dictator Brezhnev asks for help.
The rat killer specialist comes. He takes out a mechanical rat, pushes a button on it and it starts dancing around and runs out the gate and jumps into the river. The other rats go crazy, follow him and all jump into the water.
Brezhnev is satisfied and says: “Hey, komrade, couldn’t you make a little mechanical American too?”
Enter Obama….
TO: All
RE: It’s Pretty Obvious….
…that ‘Chicago’ style politics has come to Washington, in the carpet bag of one each Barack Hussein Obama.
• Look at the cretins he’s trying to install in key positions.
• Look at how he’s attempting to avoid the Advice and Consent aspects of the branches of government with these various ‘czars’.
• Look at the incredible lack of ‘grasp’ of international affairs.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
[Is anyone of US appreciating the 'hope' and 'change' yet?]
send out
We used to sit around in the Navy yukking it up about how the Soviets had to get all their political indoctrination before they could get their professional training.
I’ve made it a mission around here to point out the fact that conservatives and Republicans just ARE NOT funny. Looks like I don’t have to do that anymore. Thank you.
I don’t know, there’s something about the timing and the sense of irony and surprise that you just don’t get. You don’t have the funny gene. #25 is a perfect example . . . “We used to sit around in the Navy yukking it up about how the Soviets had to get all their political indoctrination before they could get their professional training.” Whoo-hoo! *wiping tears of laughter off my cheek* And Chuck Pelto, he could be on stage in Vegas, (if he weren’t busy bussing tables). See how that works?
You recognize that something is SUPPOSED to be funny and you chime in with LMAO or when it’s REALLY funny, LMFAO (which I assume is a way for “the repressed ones” to cuss while remaining fully sanctioned by Focus on the Family). Your humor is like watching a bad sitcom – full of lame jokes and fake laughter.
Really, you folks should stick with raging hatred, bigotry and empty bravado . . . play to your strengths.
Ahhhh…..the ranting of he who is wrong, knows he is wrong and is angered by it.
There are three plates on the table:
1. an intelligent plate
2. a well-informed plate
3. a politically liberal plate
Anyone can pick up two of the plates, but no one can hold all three.
A friend of mine came here from Russia and obtained a law degree. He spoke 7 languages fluently. I asked him why he didn’t move back to the motherland with all his skills and pure genius. He told me this joke, which also doesn’t translate well.
An elderly Jewish Russian man was walking down the street and was passing a construction site. A worker walking on a scaffold accidently knocked a piece of rock off the platform and it hit the elderly man square in the head, cracking his skull.
Two passing Russian policemen were called to the scene and they looked down and started lamenting in sorrow and pity…”Ivan, look…there is not even a place for a poor rock to land without another Jew getting in its way”.
Now that we have decided to give $900 milliion to Hamas, I’m sure the joke can be told with mortar shells and Israeli citizens just as neatly.
Most excellent!!! As someone who spent some time in Ceausescu’s Romania, I get this completely. In time, the Americans may also come to understand.
Weird as this may seem, the nutroots seem to think that Orwell was critiquing capitalism. That’s the kind of completely upside-down interpretation that you get when you don’t have any context.
Make a couple of more jokes like this and you will be on Omama’s hate list too.
Actually these are vastly more humorous than any liberal comedian I have heard in decades.
You see, things are funny when it isn’t your own ox being gored.
Sounds like someone is getting his panties in a bunch.
“Brilliant Comrade! Now report to Ministry of Information immediately for re-education.” @10 “canuckistani”
ROTFLMAO!!! That’s about the truth of it.
This column has been hilarious, as well as making a point. We need all the laughter we can get in these depressing times.
Thanks for the great article and humor.
Very good, Oleg. Definitely brings back memories.
‘one of my own’, please don’t bore yourself to death here. Switch to the Obama Comedy Channel!
Yeah, doncha jus`love Marxist humour.
One thing has always puzzled me though. Which one of the Marx brothers was Karl?
And to continue the analogy, #26 shows us the analog to Pravda: off-topic, non-sequitur, and would be absurd if it weren’t so vapid. Yup, we’re there.
one of my own:
those who can not, snipe.
Can someone spot the communist ?
“Really, you folks should stick with raging hatred, bigotry and empty bravado . . .”
Now tell me, why would conservatives want to act like like Congress, the leftist media or an Obama appointee?
@26
And yet, your comment is more of a downer, complete with insults, than anything else in these comments.
Have a nice day 26. Don’t be a victim now, hear?
“one of my own”
Please get off this thread, you humorless drone. What is your Red Guard number and which gulag are you assigned to for work?
Which gulag to guard… he wishes
Regan destroyed the Soviet Union by making it go bankrupt.
Obama talks about emulting Regan.
Does this mean that Obama will bankrupt the USA?
“Can someone spot the communist ?” by “joeblowe” at #36
LMAO!!! (we know who he’s referring to)
Is theobamaforum for real? (#18:howiem)
The subjects alone read like a parody site….
If this is for real it needs to be made visible and discussed.
A Sample
Obama Nation Watch: Keeping an eye on our enemies-Use this forum to report traitors, dissenters and others who are a danger to the Obama Nation
Gun Control and Confiscation: President Obama’s Plan For America. Yes We Can!
Unbelievable!
“Does Rabinovich live here?”
“No, Rabinovich doesn’t live here!”
“What’s your name, citizen?”
“Ivan Ivanovich Rabinovich!”
“Then why did you say Rabinovich doesn’t live here?”
” You call this living?”
Oleg: Just a jarringly BRILLIANT post. Thank you so much. The whole damn thing is going into my Favorite Quotes file. It would be tragic if after having LEFT BEHING the Gulag morons like #26 (One of my own WHAT you idiot?) don’t bring it here for you.
Here’s one:
One of my own B-w-a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Oleg writes: “Why, for instance, if the war on terror breeds more terrorists, haven’t there been attacks on the U.S. soil since 2001?”
There were, genius. The 2001 anthrax attacks in the United States, also known as “Amerithrax” from its FBI case name, occurred over the course of several weeks beginning on September 18, 2001. Letters containing anthrax spores were mailed to several news media offices and two Democratic U.S. Senators, killing five people and infecting 17 others. Next time get your facts straight. Oh, wait, I forgot that this is Pajamas Media, where the facts on this message board are about as as straight as the posters.
Oleg writes: “Why, if George W. Bush had removed our freedom of speech, was nobody ever arrested for saying anything?”
You don’t make any sense. No one ever argued that Bush removed our freedom of speech, although he did screw with our freedom to assemble by having innocent citizens denied entry to publicly-funded political events because the citizens were judged by security, without any evidence, to be possible instigators. Even Republicans who looked too scruffy were kicked out. That sounds a lot like USSR to me.
Apparently you weren’t paying much attention, but what people were actually concerned about was Bush’s illegal, anti-Constitutional and frankly psychotic belief that he could take these specific steps:
Step 1: Declare war.
Step 2: Define the battlefield as anywhere and everywhere, including US soil.
Step 3: By that logic define any criminal, even a U.S. citizen, as an enemy combatant.
Step 4. Use commander in chief authority to detain indefinitely and torture any enemy combatant you please without having to bring any charges against that individual.
Now please tell me what is more KGB-esque than that?
Here’s an insightful little read:
“Voters Hate Socialism Except When They Love It”
http://mises.org/story/3347
Clinton, Obama, Carter.
“you folks should stick with raging hatred, bigotry and empty bravado”
You don’t have a single shred of self-awareness, do you?
Who else, on a weblog thread dedicated to humor and laughter in grim times, would bring humorlessness and didacticism? Why, the Marxists of course! We can laugh at them, but they sure are incapable of laughing at themselves. Self-deprecation is a sign of sanity.
We were having a laugh the other day trying to work out where in the EU they would put their Gulags for people like me, we suggested that it had to be the closest to being in Siberia, so we think we will all end in in Sweden, perhaps Santa will pay us a visit!
Those are hilarious…I shared them with my friends and it sure has lightened the mood! The comments are equally as good except we need to change the names from Russian to American.
#46 appears to be blank!
“26. one of my own:
I’ve made it a mission around here to point out the fact that conservatives and Republicans just ARE NOT funny. ”
That may well be true, but but conversely … all democrats and liberals ARE jokes.
One thing that I love about this website is that anybody is allowed to put a comment. The liberal sites block a lot of comments even those that support their causes. Soooo, what did #26 say? Hahahaha
50. fred:
“Who else, on a weblog thread dedicated to humor and laughter in grim times, would bring humorlessness and didacticism? Why, the Marxists of course! We can laugh at them, but they sure are incapable of laughing at themselves. Self-deprecation is a sign of sanity.”
~
Dear fred,
The ‘witless wonders’ troll this place because they are obviously unhappy with their ‘choice’ and are desperately hanging on to their last vestige of insipid ‘hope’ and ‘change’.
Frankly, my dear. I pity da fools… -But, they do make great targets. he-he
Here’s your typical Hollywood Democrat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ls_uzZV51fM&feature=related
-and, here’s another one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J0-ZatDHug
Such ‘FUNNY’ people!
LMAO
> Oh, wait, I forgot that this is Pajamas Media,
> where the facts on this message board are about
> as as straight as the posters.
And yet, here you are.
46,
Tell me, were any freedoms of you or anyone that you know infringed upon during the Bush administration? Other than the annoyingly incompetent people typically manning a TSA security booth at our airports, I am not aware of any.
Have you ever spent time in either an ex-Soviet bloc country or one currently governed by a despot like Chavez?
If you haven’t, you really don’t know much about losing your freedoms.
Now going forward….
I expect that my freedom of speech is likely to be infringed upon at some point given the early tendencies of our new President. Did Bush ever call out a specific member of the media like the One has? If you were worried about Freedom of Speech, I suggest that should concern you. And its great to know that our Treasury Secretary is working on Global Warming solutions, while he has yet to finalize plans for rescuing/not rescuing/nationalizing the largest US banks. Or that our Attorney General is more worried about who I invite to a weekend bbq than pursuing those who helped instigate the mortgage debacle, like Franklin Raines, Barney Frank, etc… So it’s heartwarming to know that such defenders of the our constitutional rights are in power now.
How many Obama voters does it take to change a light bulb?
Obama voters don’t change anything, they just hope for change.
How many McCain voters does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question! Just lower income tax and capital gains taxes and the lightbulb will magically light itself.
Don’t let the Marxists (one of your own and Steve P) redirect the conversation. It is enlightening to see how the humor really reveals the Marxists.
Great article! Thanks for it! It feels good to laugh again! And guys, keep the jokes coming.
eurabitopian
#33
KARL WAS GROUCHO’S BROTHER- YOU KNOW…THE ONE WITH THE SCRUFFY BEARD !!
one of my own
#26
Good Grief ! – You are one sour s.o.b. ! If you are an example of leftist intellect, you can keep your entire sorry bunch.
HINT: its a sign of intellectual maturity to be able to laugh at an unpleasant situation.
HERE’S SOME ANTI-SOCIALISM HOPE FOR A CHANGE
In this case, profits are up in the down economy.
http://greensrealworld.blogspot.com/2009/03/wal-mart-haters-losing-argument.html
The United States went from barbarism to decadence without civilization.
Albert Einstein
My favourite Soviet-era Russian joke:
A man is walking down the street in Vladivostok in mid-winter.
Far down the street, he sees another fellow hopping towards him on one leg.
When the man comes closer, he realizes that he is hopping because he only has one boot and has to keep his other foot off the icy pavement.
As the man hops past him, our man remarks, “Comrade, how unfortunate – you’ve lost a boot!”
Smiling from ear to ear, the other man immediately replies, “Ho ho, but you’re wrong, comrade! I’ve found one!”
An American arriving in Paris hires a taxi to visit the capital.
Arrived in front of Notre Dame, he asked the driver:
- How long did it take to the French to build this cathedral?
- Two centuries!
- Here in America, we need only three years.
Later, in front of the opera, the Americans asks again:
- How long did it take to build this theater?
- Approximately four to five years !….
- In America, we would only need six weeks. ”
Finally arriving at the Eiffel Tower, the superman renews his question:
- How long did it take to your workers to raise this tower ?
- Well, I dunno, “replied the driver for reversing the bluff, but yesterday I went around and it was not there
I’ve noticed that, too. They’re like the dog who chases cars, and having finally “caught” one, doesn’t know what to do with it. They’re happier being in the opposition. Let’s give them what they want.
Obama said the world would not stand idle by when the Americans continue consuming the world’s production, churn out the worst pollution — yet when the Americans reduce their consumptions, Obama wants to stimulate them to consume.
The world complains Americans don’t have savings — yet when Americans start to save, the world sinks into depression.
The Europeans declared the end of American capitalism — yet when American capitalism ends, the Europeans want the Americans to help them revive their superior socialistic-capitalism.
European economic growths never match the American — yet the progressives want to model the American economy after the European.
I sympathize with the lawyer above and his experience with con law. I was just far enough ahead of him that our professors were about evenly split, and most thought that disagreeing with them was the sign of a good future lawyer. That said, the old accountant joke about “what is 2 plus 2?” was already being adapted in relation to the living Constitution idiocy. Client: What does the Constitution say about freedom of religion? Lawyer: What do you want it to say?
Marie Claude:
The United States went from barbarism to decadence without civilization.
Albert Einstein
Yep, we never liked powdered hair and painted lips on our manfolks.
Steve P.:
“How many McCain voters does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question! Just lower income tax and capital gains taxes and the lightbulb will magically light itself.”
How many Obama voters does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question! Just raise income tax and capital gains taxes and turn off the light.
Transcript of a radio communication between a vessel of the U.S. Navy and Canadian authorities along the coast of Newfoundland:
- Americans: Please divert 15 degrees north to avoid a collision. To you.
- Canadians: Please you divert instead of 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. To you.
- Americans: Here the captain of a ship of American naval forces. I repeat: please change your course. To you.
- Canadians: No, please divert, please. To you.
- Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second ship in power of the naval fleet of the United States of America. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and a large number of escort vessels. I ask you to divert your course 15 degrees north or measures will be taken to ensure the safety of our ships. To you.
- Canadians: here it’s a lighthouse. To you.
Self-hating Boomer says:“They’re like the dog who chases cars, and having finally “caught” one, doesn’t know what to do with it. They’re happier being in the opposition. Let’s give them what they want.”
And I thought my jokes were bad.
Trick question! Light bulbs will be illegal. Light is a carbon sin. Repent!
that was my contribution to the community after that I read that Americans were alloted cars, but us AIDS
as far as the powdered perruques, they help you to get your independance, besides the British still wear them in their trials court
Dude. That’s not a joke. It’s called an analogy. Google it.
Hey Marie – how many frogs does it take to croak?
as many you can boil
Who needs old Soviet jokes (as great as they are) when we’ve got real humour staring us in the face – like the tidbit from the frontpage of PJM linking to Instapundit along with this tidbit:
—
There was Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, boldly testifying Tuesday before Rep. Charlie Rangel’s Ways & Means Committee – promising that the Obama administration intends to propose “a series of legislative and enforcement measures to reduce . . . tax evasion and avoidance.”
—-
It’s got to be one of the (tragically) funniest verbal images I’ve come across in a long time……
Steve P.
“And I thought my jokes were bad.”
You were attempting a joke? Who knew!
Obama just gave most of $800 billion to companies.
The Republicans wanted more money to go to the people via tax cuts.
Call me when the hypocritical cries of socialism is over and you are ready to talk.
Jack
“yep, we never liked powdered hair and painted lips on our manfolks”
Woohoo! Nice one ic.
uh, “lipstick on a pig” doesn’t say it LMAO
I wrote this when Obama got innagurated…
http://hyphenatedamericans.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-wrote-this-when-obama-was-innagurated.html
Note though that this is written in Russian.
A dystopian question on understanding the functioning of the Soviet regime.
Imagine, that in the year 1900 US became a socialist country. Would brothers Wright invent an airplane?
Anwer: Who cares. They may invent, but it will never be approved for flying.
“How many Obama voters does it take to change a light bulb?”
zero. Once 0bama turns us all ‘green’ we’ll be living in bamboo huts, eating the lice off of each other’s heads and dancing half-nekkid around a fire to keep warm while 0bama is fed grapes by nymphs in his well-heated oval office lying [both literally and figuratively] on a bed of rose petals.
As a black Indonesian citizen Hussein has no problem with destoying America and taking from the white people to give to the black people
I like how George Orwell put it- this is doublethink.
Little Ivan and little Johnny meet on their parents’ diplomatic mission.
They look at each other and Johnny brags: “Look I’ve got an orange!”
To which little Ivan answers proudly: “And I have socialism!”
Little Johnny thinks a little, remembers all the grown-up discussions about historical inevitibility of Marxism-Leninism and answers: “But I WILL have socialist.”
Little Johnny: “Then you will not have that orange.”
This one is bona fide authentic from behind the former Iron Curtain.
Marie Claude wrote: ‘The United States went from barbarism to decadence without civilization.
Albert Einstein’
Actually, that line has been variously attributed to Oscar Wilde, G.B. Shaw and others. But not Einstein.
Here’s are some more Einstein knee-slappers: “there are increasing signs the Russian trials are not faked, but that there is a plot among those who look upon Stalin as a stupid reactionary who has betrayed the ideas of the revolution”
“I am not blind to the serious weaknesses of the Russian system of government and I would not like to live under such government. But it has, on the other side, great merits and it is difficult to decide whether it would have been possible for the Russians to survive by following softer methods”
http://www.csicop.org/si/2007-03/einstein.html
Steve P. wrote: ‘Oleg writes: “Why, for instance, if the war on terror breeds more terrorists, haven’t there been attacks on the U.S. soil since 2001?”
‘There were, genius. The 2001 anthrax attacks in the United States, also known as “Amerithrax” from its FBI case name, occurred over the course of several weeks beginning on September 18, 2001.’
So since those attacks occurred in 2001, they were not SINCE 2001, and Oleg is right.
Try again, genius.
HERE’S SOME ANTI-SOCIALISM HOPE FOR A CHANGE
In this case, profits are up in the down economy.
http://greensrealworld.blogspot.com/2009/03/wal-mart-haters-losing-argument.html
few old commie jokes I found,
It’s a cold day in the middle of winter in Moscow, and a long line has formed in front of a butcher’s shop on the rumor that sausages will soon be available.
After the eager citizens have stood in line for an hour, slapping themselves and stamping their feet to keep warm, the butcher sticks his head out the door and says, “Comrades, I regret to say that the lorry has been delayed, and there will not be enough sausages for everyone! All Jewish citizens are required to leave the queue!”
Muttering and grumbling, the Jewish people leave the line.
The temperature drops and the wind starts blowing. After a couple more hours the butcher sticks his head out again and says, “The lorry has been further delayed, and there will be a distinct shortage of sausages! Comrades from the Moldavian S.S.R. are required to leave the line!”
So the Moldavians leave, and the remaining citizens continue their vigil as the wind blows harder and snow starts to fall.
A while later the butcher reappears and says, “The lorry is still not here! Comrades from the Estonian S.S.R., please leave the queue!”
And so it continues the rest of the afternoon: one by one, the various ethnic groups of the Soviet Socialist Republics — the Ukrainians, the Lithuanians, the Latvians, the Byelorussians, the Kazakhs, the Uzbeks, the Tajiks, the Turkmen, the Kyrgyz, the Armenians, and the Georgians — are all required to leave the line and go home. No one is left but the comrades of the Russian Federated Socialist Republic.
Finally, as night falls, with the snow almost a foot deep, the butcher emerges one more time.
“Comrades! Counter-revolutionaries have sabotaged the fuel depot! The lorry cannot refuel, so there will be no sausages today! Everyone must go home!”
Muttering and grumbling, the Russians turn away and start the long walk home through the snow. One old fellow turns to the man next to him and says, “Those damned Jews! Why do they always get all the breaks?”
#2
An old Jewish man is riding on the Trans-Siberian railway on his way to Vladivostok, carrying a huge and heavy suitcase. He enters the first carriage, walks down the center aisle, and taps a fellow passenger on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”
“No, of course not!” replies the passenger. “I am actually quite fond of Jews!”
The old man thanks him, proceeds down the aisle, and taps the next man on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”
“Absolutely not! Some of my best friends are Jews!”
The old Jew thanks him and continues on his quest. All through that carriage, and the next one, and the one after that, he receives similar responses. Finally, at the end of the train, he reaches the last passenger.
“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”
“I most certainly am!” the fellow replies. “Filthy kikes! I hate those f***ers!”
“At last, an honest man!” exclaims the old Jew. “Would you mind watching my suitcase while I go to the toilet.”
Comrade Oleg. Thank yo for your revolutionary article.
Do you remember the one where the two old communist geezers were at a Communist nudist camp? They were sitting naked on wicker chairs in the sun, sweating profusely. One listlessly looks over to the one, “Comrade, ..have you read Marx?”
The other gets up and shows him his wrinkled ass, “Yes, comrade.. Right there.”
The American was asked to explain the difference
between the US and the USSR to a Soviet citizen.
The American said in the US we are free to
criticize our President. The Soviet said same
thing here we are free to criticize your
President.
Of course that was then.
As someone who has lived the past 15 years in the former Soviet Union, I would say that the reason the Soviet humor is funny is because it is better to laugh than to cry.
Again for those who missed it, Putin warns the west about Socialism. http://www.therightperspective.org/?p=1472
Can you say IRONY?
Stone frickin’ awesome, Oleg.
This essay should be required reading in our schools; but alas, our cultural and intellectual superiors would consider it too “provocative” and “combative” and “insensitive” to expose to kiddies’ ears. Better to shower them with all the anti-American, anti-freedom screeds of the likes of William Ayers and Bernadine Dorhn.
Under the (totally non-objective) Sherman anti-trust law:
if the price you charge is too high, you are guilty of monopoly;
if the price you charge is too low, you are guilty of dumping;
if the price you chargs is the same as the competition, you are guilty of collusion.
It is a crime to be productive in America (until we all go on strike).
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, journalists prefer to keep you in the dark.
Alternative punchline;
Err, what’s a light bulb?
A jewish guy is visiting Northern Ireland and decides to pop into a pub to sample some of that filthy black muck that passes for beer over there.
But before serving him a pint the barman demands to know:
Are you a Catholic or a Protty?
“I’m a Jew” he replies”
“But” demands the barman “are you a Catholic Jew or a Protty Jew?
Later that night as our hapless hero is wending his way back to his hotel, two masked men armed with knives jump out of the shadows and ask the same question.
Catholic or Protty?
“Oy vey, I’m a bloody Jew,” he blurts.
At which point one of the masked men turns to the other and says,
“Allah be praised Mohammed, we’ve found one at last.”
Author’s note…..No Sorry, I don’t know if he ever got his beer or not. That’s always bothered me too.
OFFICIAL WARNING FROM THE HUMOUR POLICE!
These jokes are in breach of the Obama Hilarity Code. All jokes must first, before dissemination, be certified inoffensive and politically correct by your LGR, Local Giggle Regulator. For example
Did you here the one about the two naked black underage palestinian jihadi lesbians in the back of a van.
Well, what’s wrong with that?
Q) How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) They never get around to it, they are all protesting the oppression of light.
Q)How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A)As victims of the light bulb industry, they first must organize, they next must theorize, third they de-legitimize, then the propagandize. By the time they finish all their bitching, blaming and sniping,… people prefer the dark.
Q)How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A)As dim bulbs themselves, they refuse to oppress fellow travelers. Professional courtesy.
Q)How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A)Who has time, when you are busy changing the world?
Q) How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Nobody knows, it requires a moment of honest work.
How many Michelle Obamas does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, she just holds the bulb and the whole world revolves around her.
BTW, Is there any truth to the rumour that she’s planning to have the White House painted black?
Furthermore, is there any truth to the rumour that the First Sistah, Michelle Obama, is actually Michael Jackson after his latest op?
It would make sense as I have it on excellent authority that the real reason Barak doesn’t want anyone to see his birth certificate is because he was actually born a white woman and his birth name was Barbara O’Barmy.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
Millions and millions, and they all get paid while doing it.
As Maggie Thatcher (PBUH) wittily quipped;
“The only problem with soshalism (sick) (sic) is that eventually you run out of other peoples money.
Three businessmen are in jail in America.
‘I sold goods over the market price and was imprisoned for price gouging.’ says one.
‘I sold goods under the market price and was imprisoned for predatory pricing’ says the next.
‘I sold goods at the market price and was imprisoned for colluding’ says the third.
Old Russian joke. You have to pretend you’re in 1978, okay?
Car salesman on accepting payment, to customer ‘Thanks for that. Now. Your car will be delivered on 6 February 1988.’
Customer “In the morning, or afternoon?”
Salesman: “Why do you ask?”
Customer: “It’s just that I’ve got the plumber coming in the morning.”
So anyway, I hope I’ve managed to bring a little Brit cheer to you poor dumb American insomniacs who can’t sleep for worrying about your future as victims of the Obamanable Snowjob.
I never realised the end of civilisation as we know it would be such a laugh.
Steve P:
Why do you continue to bring ridcule to yourself by posting nonsense:
Step 1: Declare war.
No, The GWOT and Iraq were authorized by Congress
Step 2: Define the battlefield as anywhere and everywhere, including US soil.
When you go to war, the battlefield is everywhere. During WWII we CONUS was a battlefield.
Step 3: By that logic define any criminal, even a U.S. citizen, as an enemy combatant.
Show me where “any” criminal other then a terrorist was declared an enemy combatant. Perhaps you are unaware of the eight German sabateurs who came to the United States in 1942. They were arrested and some were executed after secret trials. At least one was a US citizen and most had been permanent residents at some point.
Step 4. Use commander in chief authority to detain indefinitely and torture any enemy combatant you please without having to bring any charges against that individual.
Only three unlawful combatants were waterboarded. Unlawful combatants do not have rights under the Geneva Convention or any other international agreement.
You are typical Obamaist. Ignorant, humorless and of subnormal intelligence.
Ha! Ha ha ha. Stop it you guys! Oh . . . oh, my stomach! . . . stop already! . . . Oh, oh, . . . ooh . . . a-ha-ha-ha-ha . . . Oh, that’s good. Wow, I haven’t laughed like that since . . . oh, I don’t know . . . the Half Hour News Hour. Oh . . . ooh . . . ah . . . That’s good . . . Funny stuff.
OK, here’s one for you . . . it’s my favorite joke . . . It’s a knock-knock joke, you start.
one of my own (which I believe originally was one of mine) perfectly illustrates the total po-faced puritanical humourlessness of the Fascists. They think that lame-brained sarcasm masquerading as satire is sophisticated.
So infantile, puerile and pathetically retarded ya just gotta laugh.
ic, in response to Marie Claude states: “Yep, we never liked powdered hair and painted lips on our manfolks.”
….or white flag-waving from our army.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sole
Ah! Sole, would that be AKA “one of my own”?
# 17 sums up the entire philosophy of the liberals. They say they want to make everyone equal, but it’s not by raising folks up. It’s always by bringing others down. It starts in the education system. We are so fkd!
Saltherring
The French response was swift and powerful. Washington retreated to his hastily erected Fort Necessity and awaited both reinforcements and a French attack. When the French attacked on July 3rd, Col. Washington had only 284 men fit for duty. By evening, in a pouring rain, with a third of his men dead or wounded and their powder wet, it was clear that the English position was untenable. The French offered terms, and Col. Washington surrendered.
oola, who invented the white flag ???
http://www.fortedwards.org/gwpage.htm
Jim C.:
It seemed to me weird that Einstein said such a thing, but I t was convenient to bring it here for good raison
Atbashian: Isn’t that an Armenian name?
Anyway, nice piece of work.
Marie Claude,
You are quoting from when 1755?…before there even was a United States. Try looking at French history, circa 1870, 1917, 1940, 1954. The French army was reputed, in 1939, to be the best in Europe. Yet the Germans conquered France in what…six weeks? Does France even have an army today? You wouldn’t know it by their cowardly acquiescence to Islamic terrorists. This is not surprising, however, considering France has an established history of collaboration…just ask any German soldier who served in France during WWII.
Marie Claude: “oola, who invented the white flag ???”
I believe they called it the Fleur De Lis…
Check why your are a free American now and not a subject of England :
http://www.hudsonrivervalley.net/ROCHAMBEAUINCONNECTICUT/ROCHAMBEAUINCONNECTICUT4.pdf
1917 ? yeah, you came in, you won the war LMAO, as spectator though, Marechal Joffre was alredy in service !!!!
1944, alliees + france libre resistance and colonial armies (about 500 000 fighters)
1954 Dien Dien Phu, our soldiers fought until the end,
1975 America left Viet Nam to the Viets, desesperatly flying away
1962 Algeria war won, transformed into independance (I’m not bringing more links that have been already posted, so do your home work !)
2009, Irak ????? Afghanistan ?????
umm, forgot Mogadischio….
So your babling is just showing ignorance and arrogance
Great, great observations.
Yes, we are becoming more like the old USSR. I never leave posts under my real name to protect my husband, who works in the entertainment industry, from any blowback he might get from my conservative views. It’s really quite oppresive to be a conservative in Hollywood.
I get mad at my liberal friends who are behind Obama’s policies. They have any number of socialist-type countries to which they can go to escape capitalism. It’s pretty farm selfish of them that they don’t want to leave anywhere on Earth where capitalists can thrive.
chuck u farley
yeah, but fleur de lys sur fond bleu would be a more exact description
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleur_de_lys
Comrade Red Square,
Thanks for sharing The Current Truth. Your expositioin of our People’s Logic will greatly assist me in indocrtinating my family. It’s For The Children!! BTW, How long did it take you to get that Zil you’re driving in the picture? I’ve been waiting 13 years for my Trabant…
Yours in CHope,
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Marie Claude,
My father marched through the Arc de Triomphe in 1944. America should have saved our brave mens’ lives and left you to the Germans. Perhaps by now they would have taught you some respect.
God bless your father, but you’v got a melon that you don’t deserve
Here’s one:
Ivan and Dimitri were two Soviet Treasury bureaucrats who were instructed to have the government ministries reduce their budgets.
First they came to the Ministry of Education. Dimitri asked “How much do you spend per student?” A hundred rubles came the answer.
“From now on you will spend only 50″ replied Dimitri.
Next they went to the Ministry of Health. ” How much do you spend per patient?” A hundred rubles came the answer.
“From now on you will spend only 50″ replied Dimitri.
Next they went to the Ministry of Prisons. ” How much do you spend per prisoner?” 50 rubles came the answer.
“From now on you will spend 100″ replied Dimitri.
Once they were outside Ivan asked Dimitri why he cut funding for students and patients but doubled it for prisoners.
He answered” Ivan you idiot, once we are out of power where do you think they will sent us, school?”
BTW that quote about America going to decadence without going thru a period of civilization came from Clemenceau, or so I was informed.
An American and a Russian were sitting in a French cafe arguing about WWII.
The Russian said, “If you would have invaded Europe sooner you would have ended the war a year earlier!”
The American replied, “If you wouldn’t have messed around in Stalingrad, you would have ended the war a year sooner!”
A Frenchman sitting near by turns to them, “Embacils!”
The Russian and American turned in shock to the Frenchman. One stammered, “What would you have done?”
The Frenchman scratched his beard and thought for a moment, “You see that rabbit over there.” Their attention turned to the rabbit.
The Frenchman continued, “If the rabbit eats from that grass over there, how big would its defecations be?”
The Russian and the American were sure that the Frenchman was a bit insane and turned away from him.
At that the Frenchman pointed to a horse and said, “If that horse eats from that very same grass, how big would his defecations be?”
Both the Russian and the American shrugged and tried to turn away.
The Frenchman, ” You know what this means?”
The two shook their heads with no idea.
At that the Frenchman said,” Look you both don’t know about shit, and you’re going to tell me how to run a war!”
Marie Claude
Are those bad guys picking on you? Let me know if you want some help.
#26 one of my own
You’re a total ass.
Oh, I’m sorry I think I get it now 26 is really your IQ and you were really trying to be funny. That was a good try; but, you’re as funny as a fart in a diving bell.
Oscar, no wonder why I love the oscars
BTW, it’s not “embacils” but “imbéciles”
Well, I guess that the “English” readings of the French has its origins from the earlier centuries, an endless quarrel between neighbours over to whom it belongs is still bothering them, mind you their elders were inviding us again
umm I ment the endless quarrel over to whom belongs a piece of hedge or acre across the channel
NEWSFLASH this just in
Insiders are reportedly planning a ‘Mission Accomplished’ celebratory bash, for Barack and Michelle Obama.
Only Liberals and their NON-TAXPAYER subsidized minions, Marxists, Socialists and Communists are invited.
Their will be $133 a pound steaks and the very best French Wines flown in for the bash.
The date of the ‘Mission Accomplished’ celebratory bash, will be announced shortly after unemployment reaches or exceeds 22% and the stock market dips below 5000.
BRAVO JD!
My bottom of the cup sediments excatly!
“”"20. JD:
We should mock those in power – it is our most effective weapon. Whereas the Left spits venom at evil killer conservatives, we demonstrate our confidence in our beliefs by simply laughing at the ridiculous socialists:
http://trackacrat.com/
Mar 5, 2009 – 6:04 am”"”
Word just came in from the Communist Effeciency Olympics.
The Chinese beat the Russians in the butt wipe contest……Their explanation, their butts were half the size of the Russians.
Just in , Just in
Butt wipe contest was won by the Polish Communists by using just one section of toilet paper……..Their explanation, they used both sides.
RE Steve P
You are still roaming about, in your world you wouldn’t have been hauled off by the KGB? Is that what they are teaching you over at HuffingPoo?
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