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Laughing at the Contradictions of Socialism in America

Old Soviet-era jokes have become disturbingly applicable to the U.S.

by
Oleg Atbashian

Bio

March 5, 2009 - 12:35 am
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After the number of “caring,” bleeding-heart politicians in Washington reached a critical mass, it was only a matter of time before the government started ordering banks to help the poor by giving them risky home loans through community organizers. Which resulted in a bigger demand, which resulted in rising prices, which resulted in slimmer chances of repaying the loans, which resulted in more pressure on the banks, which resulted in repackaging of bad loans, which resulted in a collapse of the banks, which resulted in a recession, which resulted in many borrowers losing their jobs, which resulted in no further mortgage payments, which resulted in a financial disaster, which resulted in a worldwide crisis, with billions of poor people overseas — who had never seen a community organizer, nor applied for a bad loan — becoming even poorer than they had been before the “progressives” in the U.S. government decided to help the poor.

As if that were not enough, the same bleeding hearts are now trying to fix this by nationalizing the banks so that they can keep issuing risky loans through community organizers. In other words, to prevent the toast from landing buttered side down, they’re planning to butter the toast on both sides and hope that it will hover in mid-air. Which also seems like a sensible alternative energy initiative.

If that doesn’t fix the problem, there’s always the last resort of a liberal: blame capitalism. It’s always a win-win. Today government regulators may be blaming capitalism for the crisis caused by their dilettantish tampering with the economy, but who do you think they will credit after market forces resuscitate the economy?

Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent “revolutionary” changes have turned reality on its head — which is what “revolution” literally means — I’m getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.

As your comrade from the future, I also feel a social obligation to help my less advanced comrades in the American community, and prepare them for the transition to the glorious world of underground literature, half-whispered jokes, and the useful habit of looking over your shoulder. Don’t become a nation of cowards — but watch who might be listening.

Let’s start with these few.

People’s power:

  • Liberals believe they’re advancing people’s power — yet they don’t believe people can do anything right without their guidance.
  • People can’t do anything right — yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.
  • The government bureaucracy can do everything — yet liberals don’t like it when the government takes control of their lives.
  • Liberals don’t like it when the government takes control of their lives — yet they vote for programs that increase people’s dependency on the government.
  • They vote for programs that increase people’s dependency on the government — yet they believe they’re advancing people’s power.

Bush and the media:

  • The media said Bush was dumb — yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.
  • He won over two intelligent Democrats — yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.
  • The media said his ratings were hopeless — yet the 2004 electoral map was red.
  • The 2004 electoral map was red — yet the media said his policies failed.
  • The media said his policies failed — yet the economy grew and the war was won.
  • The economy grew and the war was won — yet the media said we needed “change.”

Public education:

  • Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years — yet education is out of control.
  • Education is out of control — yet liberal teaching methods prevail.
  • Liberal teaching methods prevail — yet public schools are failing.
  • Public schools are failing — yet their funding keeps growing.
  • Their funding keeps growing — yet public schools are always underfunded.
  • Public schools are always underfunded — yet private schools yield better results for less.
  • Private schools yield better results for less — yet public education is the only way out of the crisis.

Foreign radicals*:

  • Foreign radicals hate America — yet they’re all wearing American blue jeans.
  • They’re all wearing American blue jeans — yet they disdain American culture.
  • They disdain American culture — yet they play American music, movies, and video games.
  • They play American music, movies, and video games — yet they call Americans uncivilized.
  • They call Americans uncivilized — yet they expect Americans to defend their civilization.
  • They expect Americans to defend their civilization — yet they think American capitalism is outdated.
  • They think American capitalism is outdated — yet most of their countries require American handouts.

(* Some Democrat politicians have similar opinions about their redneck constituents — yet they won’t shut up about how proud they are to have their mandate.)

Liberals and taxes:

  • Liberals want to help the poor — yet they won’t give money to charities.
  • They won’t give money to charities — yet they’d like the government to become a gigantic charity.
  • They’d like the government to become a gigantic charity — yet the money has to be taken from people by force.
  • The money has to be taken from people by force — yet they call it welfare.
  • They call it welfare — yet higher taxes make everyone poorer.
  • Higher taxes make everyone poorer — yet liberals find ways not to pay taxes.
  • Liberals find ways not to pay taxes — yet they get to be chosen to run the government.

Liberals and the CIA:

  • The CIA is a reactionary institution — yet its agents always leak information that helps liberals politically.
  • CIA agents always leak information that helps liberals politically — yet liberals say the CIA is clueless.
  • Liberals say the CIA is clueless — yet in their movies the CIA is running the world.
  • In their movies the CIA is running the world — yet they tell us that better intelligence could have prevented the war.
  • Better intelligence could have prevented the war — yet “enhanced interrogations” of captured terrorists must not be allowed.

Love and marriage:

  • Sex differences are the result of social conditioning — yet homosexuality is biological.
  • Homosexuality is biological — yet everybody is encouraged to experiment with it.
  • Everybody is encouraged to experiment with it — yet venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers’ expense.
  • Venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers’ expense — yet taxpayers have no right to impose standards since there are no moral absolutes.
  • There are no moral absolutes — yet gay marriage is an absolute must.
  • Gay marriage is an absolute must — yet family is an antiquated tool of bourgeois oppression.

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Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from the former USSR, is the author of Shakedown Socialism, of which David Horowitz said, "I hope everyone reads this book."  In 1994 he moved to the U.S. with the hope of living in a country ruled by reason and common sense, appreciative of its freedoms and prosperity. To his dismay, he discovered a nation deeply infected by the leftist disease of "progressivism" that was arresting true societal progress. Oleg is the creator of a satirical website ThePeoplesCube.com, which Rush Limbaugh described on his show as "a Stalinist version of The Onion."
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