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Latest Weapons System a Shoe-In

Closing the anti-shoe defense gap is a top priority at the Pentagon.

by
Kender MacGowan

Bio

December 15, 2008 - 11:37 am
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The unprovoked shoe attacks against President Bush in Iraq may have shocked the world. But to forward-thinking weapons system designers at Northrup Grumann and shoe experts at Nike it was simply an expected occurrence and one they have been making plans to thwart for quite a while now.

Unwilling to be quoted on the record, an unnamed source inside Nike told this writer that development of a defensive shoe weapons system has been ongoing at least since the statue of Saddam was torn down and pictures of Iraqis throwing shoes at the prostrate edifice were broadcast on worldwide television.  A Nike shoe designer, aghast at the prospect of shoes being used as weapons to show disgust and displeasure, started a small side company called “The Sole of the Matter” with the goal of consulting on the growing problem of shoe violence around the world. What he learned made him suspect the escalation of shoe violence was an assured thing and that there was a terrifying anti-shoe weapons gap with the United States on the short end of the matter.

Unknown to even those on the inside of cutting edge shoe technology, Nike, in the greatest of secrecy, was given the contract to work with Northrup Grumann and Rocketdyne to build a state of the art defensive anti-shoe weapons system.

Millions saw the result of this work when President Bush was attacked in Baghdad when shoes were thrown by an angry Iraqi reporter.  The president, at the suggestion of the Secret Service, was wearing a prototype of the new shoes when he was attacked. So successfully was the attack thwarted that the Defense Department immediately ordered one million pairs of the anti-shoe shoes, with three quarters of those earmarked for soldiers in the field.  A source at the Pentagon said that the Joint Services Bizarre Weapons Group (Jazzwep) are leery of ordering a highly secret weapons system in such bulk based on one successful real world test.

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