VP Debate: Kid Wonk vs. The Gaffemeister
Will youth be served? Or will the cagey veteran pin his young opponent to the mat?
October 11, 2012 - 12:00 am
The real secret of the champ’s success is his ability to employ classic misdirection maneuvers to score points. His style, described by one sports writer as “a cross between a chameleon and a rattlesnake,” reflects his shiftiness as well as his ability to land powerful blows on occasion. Kid Wonk takes the champ lightly at his own peril.
And the Kid? No one knows much about him or his ability to perform in the pressure-cooker atmosphere of a nationally televised bout. Plucked from relative obscurity by Vanilla Lightning to be his Number Two, the Kid showed great promise on the Junior Circuit and made several splashy appearances in the lead up to his selection. One memorable event — “The All Star Health Care Hearing and Dog and Pony Show” — saw the Kid take on Chocolate Thunder and lay him low with a series of titanic blows, first to the solar plexus, then battering the heavyweight champ about the head. It was a beat-down that Chocolate Thunder is still trying to live down.
Thus proving he was ready for the Big Show, Kid Wonk was chosen to do battle with Gaffemeister. Will he freeze under the watchful eyes of tens of millions of Americans and a media waiting — wanting — to see him stumble? Can he avoid the mistakes of so many challengers in the past who either got lost on their way to the arena or perhaps should have?
Untested and untried as he is, Kid Wonk has one overarching advantage over the champ: he knows his stuff. Where the champ uses tricks and mud-wrestling tactics to score points, the Kid will employ grips and handholds that have stood the test of time and proven themselves winners when all is said and done. The sport’s First Principles — if defined and demonstrated correctly — will always outpoint the vain attempts to pull the wool over the eyes of the judges by using imported and alien maneuvers that don’t belong in an American arena.
The stakes may not be high, but glory goes to a clear winner who will, if circumstances hold, then be able to claim a belt that no one really wants to wear, and a title no one wants to own.
When you figure out what all the fuss is about, let me know.