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John Nampion Vs. Begunga Mike’s Dating Guide for Neanderthals, Part 2

Sorry, Johnny - not interested. BTW, where's Mike, LOL?

by
John Nampion

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January 15, 2012 - 3:13 pm
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Editor’s Note: In part one, the ever-suffering, recently divorced John Nampion introduced readers to the regressive (but apparently very successful) dating philosophy of the office’s resident alpha male, the notorious Begunga Mike. In part 2, we see the real-life effects of John’s attempt to put the dating guide’s Rules into play. 

After the euphoria of Mike’s little pep-fest wore off, I felt listless and punky, wondering if I had lost my moral compass. Here I was, ready to lie, obfuscate, and phony sales-pitch my way to… what?

I had already met some very nice ladies on my own, and was enjoying myself. (Other than not having met the “right” one.) And here Mike was, pushing me to date “out of my league” so to speak. What kind of permanent connection would I be able to make with even one of his uber-”Milf”-types? And did I really want to be with someone like that? Besides — how many of these fit, confident, (and probably inordinately tall, not to mention seriously high-income) babes would even waste 5 minutes chatting with me on some website? And then agree to meet me somewhere? The only kind of men who could land someone like that would be a Hoss like Mike or one of those smooth and overly manicured Porsche owners from Scottsdale.

My biggest issue was one I didn’t like to think about much: What kind of person was I becoming? What was wrong with regular old nice girls who maybe had a few flaws but for the most part were pretty decent catches? Why was I of all people — I mean look at the profile pic! — becoming so shallow and fixated on physical appearance? Hadn’t my parents taught me anything?

In fact, I could all too well imagine my late father and sainted Mumsie feeling perplexed and hurt by my, er, proclivities. After many years of a very serious Catholic upbringing, here I was engaging in extremely selfish and very sinful behavior – and If I were to take the next step and actually write about it, there would be trouble that no amount of indulgences or novenas or Purgatorial fires could cure.

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