Thus I traveled to Dubai to meet with Prince Fareed Ibn Badri (FIB), who was kind enough to entertain me in his elegant 88-room alpine lodge overlooking one of that nation’s most fashionable indoor ski slopes. Our interview proceeded as follows.
RZ: Thank you for inviting me here. It’s quite incredible.
Prince FIB: Yes, isn’t it marvelous, all this built with funds obtained through our nature conservation efforts.
RZ: Nature conservation? I thought your emirate made its money selling oil.
Prince FIB: No, that is what we used to do, and it produced comparatively little profit. But since we have joined together with our brothers in other Arab countries and like-minded nations elsewhere in concerted action to preserve the world’s finite resources, our earnings have soared. Truly, Allah rewards the virtuous.
RZ: Are you referring to OPEC?
Prince FIB: Yes. On my initiative, it is being renamed the Organization for Preservation of Ecological Communities. Where cap and trade has failed, we have succeeded. Indeed, the $15 per ton carbon tax being advocated by Western environmentalists would only raise oil prices $7 per barrel. We have achieved ten times that.
RZ: So the purpose of OPEC oil price rigging is actually to conserve resources and prevent global warming?
Prince FIB: Of course. Why else would we do it?
RZ: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your motives were so altruistic.
Prince FIB: Indeed. And you should realize that by increasing oil prices we are not merely taking proper responsibility for conserving our oil. We are also saving all other countries from exhausting their own resources or adding to global warming through excessive economic growth.
RZ: But aren’t you concerned that by raising the price of oil you will encourage expanded drilling in the United States?
Prince FIB: That would indeed be a concern if the United States were a free market where any business could do whatever they want. But fortunately it has all been put under government control, so all we need to do is provide appropriate gifts to those in power, their advisors, or advisory institutes to insure that agreeable policies are implemented.
RZ: But politicians also need to respond to public opinion.
Prince FIB: To some extent, that is so. That is why we provide generous funding to Glover Park.
RZ: Glover Park?
Prince FIB: Are you not familiar with them? They are a public relations company, first rate, top of the line. They are the ones responsible for conducting your former vice president’s worldwide campaign against global warming. An excellent job, don’t you agree?
RZ: Certainly. And you fund them?
Prince FIB: Naturally. We always reward those who have earned our gratitude. If you don’t believe me, you may check with the official foreign agent listings published by your own Department of Justice.
RZ: That’s odd. I read the New York Times every day, cover to cover, and I never heard about that.
Prince FIB: Truly, it is a wise reader of the New York Times who knows anything.
RZ: But Thomas Friedman?
Prince FIB: An excellent man. Truly, a very useful man. It is my fondest wish that everyone should listen to Thomas Friedman.
So there you have it, friends. The Friedman thesis has been confirmed by leading scientists, Islamic scholars, and royalty. There can be no further room for doubt. Global warming is upsetting the Arabs, and only by taking firm action to reduce our national environmental footprint will we ever make them happy. Those seeking appreciation from such quarters should take note, and act accordingly.