At some point during every presidential campaign, each candidate should be kidnapped in the night by the CIA and subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. This is just common sense. Then we can finally get the full truth out of those politicians, as we’ll completely break them down and make them admit everything. No more pap about what their first one hundred days will be like — we’re going to make them tell us everything they actually will do so we can put a stop to their nefarious plans (or a start to, if we happen to agree with them politically). And a candidate will no longer be able to dance around an issue, because if he wants to stop being doused with cold water, he’d better offer more substantial answers than talking points.
And then on Election Day we’ll get to do what we have never gotten to do before: vote knowing the full truth about our candidates. Won’t we have much more confidence in a candidate’s promise not to raise taxes on the middle class if he was still singing that tune after a week of sleep deprivation? But if he instead broke and cried, “Okay! I admit it! I want to raise all their taxes! Rich, poor, middle class, children, dogs, cats, sea mammals if that’s possible — I want to tax them all!” that’s probably good to know, too. And do the candidates really support our Second Amendment rights, or are they just saying that for now because they think it’s politically necessary? Some good, old-fashioned belly slaps will help us know for sure.
Now, some people will say we shouldn’t subject presidential candidates to harsh interrogation methods like waterboarding. These people are called “politician sympathizers” and are no better than the politicians themselves. They should probably also be waterboarded to make sure they’re not hiding any politician’s secrets. Because the fact is if politicians don’t want to be slapped and put in stress positions for hours at a time, they shouldn’t lie to our faces. And if we make it clear we won’t stand for being lied to, candidates might just go ahead and tell us the truth from the start so that we might not whisk them away to Gitmo. Or they’ll at least put more effort into lying so they’re not quite so blatantly obvious about it. Really, you just suddenly “evolved” on an issue? Don’t treat us like idiots, and we won’t treat you like terrorists.