We have problems these days. High unemployment, high gas prices, childhood obesity, growing debt, and bath salt-fueled lunatics. How will we ever solve them all? Here’s how: Stop complaining about them.
I don’t know where and when all the complaining started, but it is not an American value. In the olden days, if someone was attacked by a mountain lion, he wouldn’t just whine, “Eek! A vicious beast! Someone please take care of this for me!” No, he’d punch that mountain lion in the face like it was a common hippie and go back to chopping wood or digging a well or stealing land from the natives or whatever frontiersmen did. Because back then, people didn’t complain about problems; instead they adhered to the wisdom of 20th century philosopher Vanilla Ice: “If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.”
But at some point, whining took hold in America. Long ago, if a student in an economics class said, “The rich have so much more money than everyone else!” the professor would nod thoughtfully and then — POW! — punch him right in the face like he was a common mountain lion and say, “Quit your complaining, hippie!” The student would learn an economics lesson about how whining doesn’t help anyone and also hurts. But we don’t allow corporal punishment in schools — especially not against college students, who most need it — and whining has taken off. In fact, we now have the internet — the only system of interconnected computers that allows us to complain to the whole world at speeds hitherto unknown to man. In the past, it would have taken months to tell someone you don’t know in Mongolia that you can’t find your cellphone charger, but thanks to the Twitters, you can now do it in seconds.
What’s so bad about all this complaining? For one, when you’re whining, you’re not solving problems, you’re just being an irritating problem yourself. But the worst thing about constant complaining are the impressionable minds who hear it: politicians.
When politicians hear us complain about our problems, they try to solve them. Just look at our massive, bloated government and our ginormous national debt — that was all built by complaining. People whined about stuff, and some politicians overheard and were like, “I bet I can solve this problem and be super popular! And I know the perfect solution: a new massive bureaucracy that costs billions of dollars!” And, of course, the only thing a massive government bureaucracy has ever solved is the problem of Americans having too much time and money.