How to Meet Your Next Wife or Significant Other: A Guide for the Perplexed Man
PJAdvice columnist Belladonna Rogers reveals the far-more-subtle-than-you-ever-realized art of the pick-up and the importance of serendipity.
August 30, 2011 - 12:05 am
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
Last week, I read your advice column to a widow who was hoping to remarry. I’m a divorced man myself, and I, too, would like to remarry. Would you give me the same advice you gave her, or would your advice be different for a man? I’m 65 years old and am not looking for a woman young enough to be either my granddaughter or my daughter. I want a serious relationship.
Divorced in Denver
You raise the very interesting question of whether the advice would be the same for a man as for a woman of the same general age. My answer is a clear no.
Why? Because from the moment girls reach puberty, they’re taught that boys and later men can be dangerous — mainly by getting them pregnant against their will. This is a huge barrier for a man in search of a woman to overcome, even for a woman no longer able to conceive. There endures the primordial warning reverberating through the most primitive part of the feminine brain: “Be careful.” Even putting aside a specific man’s potential to impregnate a specific woman, the male of the species tends to be larger and stronger and thus has the potential to overpower a woman and, in a worst-case scenario, kill her.
How many rapists or killers have I ever met? Zero. How many rapists or killers has any woman I’ve ever known met? One (a rapist). But my point isn’t that all men are dangerous felons, it’s that girls and women are socialized to have a level of fear of men that men are not socialized to have of women.
This doesn’t mean that men aren’t afraid of women. They are. And for good reason. We can be mighty scary. Just ask John Wayne Bobbitt.
In the same public places about which I wrote last week, a woman has far greater latitude to approach a man than a man does to approach a woman. It’s not that he can’t succeed, but he must be much more subtle, much more sensitive to her innate fears, and much more aware of how his actions could be seriously misinterpreted and/or completely unappreciated.
To introduce this column, I’d like to salute the Coast Guard of the United States of America, not only for the courage of its members but also for the wisdom of its motto: Semper Paratus: Always Ready. Why is it so important always to be ready? In order to benefit from one of the most powerful forces in all of human existence: serendipity. Defined as “the aptitude for making happy and unexpected discoveries by accident,” serendipity is responsible for the marriages of millions of couples over the millennia.
Serendipity is a major life skill. It can lead to finding the right woman (as well as job, apartment, house, and more). Serendipity requires that two conditions be met: (1) your being on the alert to recognize a serendipitous moment the instant it occurs and (2) your readiness to seize it immediately. He who hesitates is lost. Each such moment comes but once. To fail to recognize it or to fail to act instantly is to lose the potential chance of a lifetime. Always Ready is, therefore, a fine motto.
I recommend playing this anthem, and drawing inspiration from its lyrics whenever needed:
WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
Contrary to popular stereotypes, serious women care far more about what’s inside a man than how he looks or how rich he is. Here’s a partial, but representative list of the questions that course through a woman’s mind after the age of 50 when she first meets a man: Is he kind? Is he a man of integrity? Does he keep his word? Is he considerate? Can he be a good friend, as well as an exciting lover? Does he have good friends? Does he do good deeds? Does he give a sh*t about other people or is he a narcissist who never thinks about you except when he’s inside of you – and possibly not even then?
Does he email or call you when you’re apart, or is it out of sight and out of mind with him? Will he open a heavy door for you in a chivalrous way, or will he expect you to hold it open for him — as a servant would or because he believes we live in a “post-feminist” world in which a woman prefers to open heavy doors in the wind and pouring rain to display her own strength and independence of spirit? Is he smart but not arrogant about it? Can he be gracious around your friends and not talk as if he’s the only intelligent person in the room with an opinion that matters? Will he listen to a woman or think that the chief purpose of her earthly existence is to give him pleasure and make him feel like a master of the universe?
Freud famously asked, “What do women want?” The answer is simple: they want a good, decent human being (also known as a mensch), a person of integrity and trustworthiness, who will care for and about the woman in his life. Who will not expect her to look 30 when she’s 60, and will take care of her when she’s sick, which she’ll try not to be very often. She wants in a man what a man wants in a woman: a human being whose kindness and generosity of spirit will make her heart sing and will make her ecstatic to be alive and to have found such a great example of a real human being and not yet another execrable example of an egotistic dork. And women also like a man who’s fun and fun to be around.
One of the clearest indicia of intelligence is a sense of humor. Assuming you have one, use it to win her heart. A big laugh is like an orgasm for the soul. There’s no limit to how many you can have in a day — or in an hour (well, OK, in an hour, there probably is a limit: I’d estimate a maximum of 120).
Along with acts of kindness — such as reaching to pick up the cell phone a woman just dropped and handing it to her with a warm smile; opening a door to a public building for her, with a smile; smiling at a woman as you pass each other on the sidewalk or while riding an elevator together — there are several words and phrases that are music to a serious woman’s ears.
They may surprise you. They include, “Please,”"Thank you,” “You’re welcome,” “I’m so sorry,” “Good morning,”and “After you,” as you hold a heavy door open for her. I mention these not because I’m a 19th century scold, but because when a waitress brings a man a cup of coffee, the response any woman likes to hear from the man at her side is, “Thank you,” not an entitled silence, and not “OK.” If he wants some cream with it, a pleasant phrase for a woman to hear is, “May I have some cream, please, when you have a chance?” followed by “Thank you, ” when the waitress brings it.
Why is this music to our ears? Because there’s such a dearth of these polite, kind words. There shouldn’t be, but there is. A huge nationwide dearth. “Yeah” or “OK” are not synonyms for “Thank you.” A woman notices how men speak to others, and if he’s polite to her and rude to them, she notices and won’t be pleased.
Speaking of words, at the start of a relationship, it’s best to learn a woman’s name and use it when you speak to her. If you call her “Love” or “Darling” she may well infer that you have so many women in your love life that you’ve found it efficacious to call them all the same name. You may think you’re sounding intimate. She may think you’re sounding impersonal — and worried that you’ll call her by the wrong name. Over time, as the relationship deepens, she may be thrilled when you progress to calling her “Love” or “Darling.” They’re beautiful words to hear. But not from the get-go. Bad signal.
A man should have a pocketful of business cards with him at all times to give to women. It should include his name, address, telephone number, cell phone number, and email address. If employed, it should include his professional information, but if not, then his home address. These cards, available online and at Staples and Office Depot, will be invaluable in giving women to show that you’re prepared to reassure her with a card and that you’re happy to give her your contact information to make it easy for her to get in touch with you.
Learning something– or better still, everything you can — about female anatomy and sexual arousal is always a good idea. There are many, many books on the subject. You may not become an instant Errol Flynn or Brad Pitt, but more than a little knowledge can be a very good thing. You may be amazed how much you can learn from a book. Or better still, from many different books. Such knowledge doesn’t come naturally for the simple reason that a man is not a woman. He can’t practice what to do with a woman on himself.
Like so much in life, to acquire this knowledge requires serious study. This can come from field research or books, but books don’t cause sexually-transmitted diseases, and they’re succinct. A combination of the two methods will produce the most satisfying results for all concerned. It’s also more than OK to pause and, in an affectionate way, ask a woman what will arouse her more than what you’ve been doing. Unless you’re a certified mind reader, you’re not going to divine what particular caress or movement will please her unless you ask. Some women may be shy about volunteering such information, but few will mind responding to a direct question from a man seeking to make her experience with him as satisfying as possible. If she replies, “Just be you,” you’ll know you’re batting 1,000.
WHAT WOMEN WANT TO AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE
If you’re cheap, mean, or snotty to a clerk, a waiter, waitress, bus driver, porter, vendor, salesperson, doorman, gas station attendant, a nurse but not a doctor, a serious woman will notice. There’s a human being inside of every uniform you see, and if you don’t understand that, and the fact that the person in the uniform is supporting a family, you’re missing something many women are attuned to. If you’re rude to anyone, she’ll notice, and know that she could be next. If you give a cab driver a 50 cent tip on a $10 ride, she’ll notice. If you’re disrespectful to anyone, she’ll notice. If you go on too long about your triumphs and successes, she’ll be impressed all right, but not in the way you intended. If you cheat on your taxes, she’ll wonder if you’ll cheat on her. If you badmouth your friends, she’ll assume she’ll get the same treatment when her back is turned. If your idea of humor is insulting and belittling others, she’ll be wary of you. Everything you say and do expresses who and what you are. Serious women are always on the alert for these qualities, and will do their best to avoid them.
Such women ask themselves questions like these about men they’re considering getting to know: Does he think everyone else in the room, on the plane, in the restaurant, or anywhere in public is eager to hear his every thought, and therefore speaks as loudly as possible, lest anyone miss a single one of his immensely profound insights? Does he allow others to finish their sentences, or is he forever butting in to “improve” the conversation with his own superior remarks? At a meal with his professional colleagues, does he make eye contact only with the colleagues and behave as if the spouses, be they men or women, aren’t present?
Does he treat all others around him as his personal audience or as equal participants in a group conversation? Is the man one for whom Fran Lebowitz’s observation is apt, namely that
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting? Does he even bother to feign interest in what a woman is saying, or does he openly display his ennui by not looking into her eyes when she’s speaking to him?
Does he begin sentences with irrelevant autobiographical boasts — inserting bits of his résumé having nothing to do with the subject at hand but that are intended to impress you? “As a Princeton man, I think that…” or “When I was president of student government in high school” or “Speaking as someone who was always on the dean’s list.” If he’s so smart, why does he have to mention his alma mater, his high school achievements or his academic rating from — what? — 40-to-50 years ago? These are mega-watt warning signs of two mega-watt turn-offs: insecurity and vanity. It would be different if the subject were medicine, and he said, “It’s always been a passion of mine. In fact, when I was just out of college [not the name of the college, just, as in Animal House, "college"]
I worked in a hospital.” This modest approach will permit the woman to ask, if she cares, “By the way, where did you go to college?” and “For what hospital did you work? What did you do there?” If she doesn’t take the bait, then beginning a sentence with the name of your college isn’t going to make a difference. She’s more interested in you now than where you matriculated then.
GENERAL FACTS & BASIC TIPS
As I wrote to women readers last week, you’re not going to find your next partner if you stay home alone. You may read a lot of books, listen to a lot of music, watch a lot of TV, and cruise the Internet to your heart’s content. But if you want to meet your next wife or significant other, you have to get out. This column will provide many suggestions of how and where you will meet Ms. Right. It won’t be at home. At the most, you’ll meet some pre-teens and teens selling Girl Scout Cookies.
Men do have one statistical advantage. Because women, on average, live five years longer than men, the longer you’re around, the less competition you’ll have relative to the number of available women. You’ll have far more choices than a woman of the same age.
Women make things much easier for men than the other way around because we tend to wear wedding rings when we’re married. We actually want men to know we’re married, whereas many men don’t take that approach, believing that for them a wedding ring is optional, perhaps like fidelity.
Despite the challenges, a man can succeed in picking up a serious, attractive woman. Let’s start with the essentials: Clean yourself up. This may seem obvious, but brush your teeth, floss them, and comb your hair, if you have any. If you don’t, don’t worry and see below. Keep floss in your pocket so that, after a spinach salad, you can excuse yourself from the table and get the annoying glob of green from between your front teeth that a considerate woman would never dream of mentioning, but that you’ll discover later and ask yourself, “Was this here all evening?” Get a haircut. This look may be working for Willie Nelson, but for few others:Individual tastes and regional norms vary. My advice is intended to maximize your chances for success in most locales in 2011-2012. That said, for many mature women, your quaint belief that it’s still 1968 and that you should tailor your look accordingly will lead them to think that this is where they’d like to be, instead of indoors, curled up next to you:
If you’re bald or balding don’t get plugs unless Joe Biden is the guy you really, really want to emulate. And stay away from toupees. If you have one already, don’t wear it when trying to find a woman. Women prefer a nice bald head to an un-nice fake head of hair.
And when you’re indoors, for crying out loud, take off your hat, unless you’re an Orthodox Jewish man or a Sikh. A man wearing a hat for non-religious purposes indoors looks to a woman as if he’s discourteous and/or hiding a bald head. I’m going to let you in on a little secret about bald heads. They’re no big deal to women. Churchill was bald. Eisenhower was bald. John Edwards got $500 blow-dried haircuts. Which man is the most admired by women? Hint: it isn’t John Edwards.
If you find yourself asking people to repeat themselves, it may be a sign that your hearing isn’t as acute as it once was. An audiologist friend told me that 90 percent of audiologists’ patients are women. “Is that because women lose their hearing more often than men?” I asked her. “No, it’s because spoken communication is more important to women than to most men. If a woman misses a single word in a conversation, she gets frustrated. Men care much less.” I asked how the the few men who do see an audiologist make the decision to have their hearing checked. “Because their wives and children, and often their grandchildren, force them to. The men would just as soon keep asking everyone around them to speak louder. Ultimately, the women get hoarse and speak less because it’s such an effort to be heard. Also, men are far more vain about wearing hearing aids than women. They think having a hearing aid makes them look old.”
“They’d actually prefer that their entire family shouts so they don’t look ‘old’ wearing hearing aids?” I was incredulous, but the audiologist assured me that this is, indeed, typical.
Get your hearing checked. You’ll give away much more than your age without hearing aids. You’ll show how vain and inconsiderate you are.
Bear in mind that women’s sense of smell has been found to be more acute than men’s. What this means for you is to do your best to be clean and to wear clean, un-smelly clothing. I wouldn’t go overboard on the male cologne, but a hint of sandalwood or 4711 never did any harm. And by “hint” I mean a dab, as in “a little dab’ll do ya.”
When you’re having dinner with a woman and she doesn’t have dessert, don’t badger her. Metabolism decreases with age. To remain at a healthy and even an attractive weight, women often forgo dessert. Saying, “Let’s share a piece of cheesecake” isn’t generous, it’s inconsiderate. And asking, “Is that all you’re going to have?” is an equally unwelcome comment.
One last basic: when you’re with a woman, if you begin to have suspicions about her fidelity and reliability, get going. Where there’s no mutual trust, there’s no chance of a rewarding long-term relationship. Here’s how you don’t want to feel in a friendship or a love relationship with a woman:
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
As men age, even the strongest have reduced blood flow here and there. Here’s something to avoid doing so as not to over-tax your heart: don’t have a big meal and then engage in sex immediately afterward. It could be your final meal and your final act. After coming, you’ll be going. It’s a little like the old advice not to go swimming right after eating. A heart attack is, however, more lethal than a stomach cramp. Digesting a meal diverts blood to the gastrointestinal tract. Sexual arousal elevates blood pressure. If you’re with a new partner, you’ll be even more excited than with a trusted partner of many decades. Wait at least an hour after finishing the meal. Two or three hours would be even better. Or wait till the next morning. It’s unwise to believe — and to behave as if — you’re in college more than 40 years after you actually were.
AN UNMARRIED MAN WITH A MARRIED WOMAN
In last week’s column, I was adamant on the subject of unattached women not allowing themselves to fall prey to the lure of married men. Are married women equally dangerous to unmarried men? Yes, although in different ways. A married man going after an available unmarried woman is, by definition, a predator. He offers her nothing but fleeting moments of bittersweet bliss, followed by long periods of heartache and misery — all of which will leave him married and leave her older, possibly wiser, and infinitely sadder — potentially even suicidal. I was against it.
A married woman who seeks a relationship outside her marriage is less driven by predatory instincts as by emotional or sexual insufficiency in her marriage. Thus, by definition, she’ll be needy and potentially high-maintenance with no hope for the man to become her husband. If she’d wanted to leave her husband, she could have. Many women do. Many others weigh the pluses and minuses of their marriages and decide, on balance, they love their husbands, enjoy many of the same activities, share friendships with other couples, and are parents of children they love.
The one aspect of their marital life that may be missing is emotional excitement and sexual fulfillment. Do you want to be her sexual filling station? Your first instinct might be to reply, “Sure! I’d be happy to be anyone’s sexual filling station.” But think about it: what you want is a woman who’ll be there for you, now and in the long-term. A married woman, unless her husband dies, won’t be, and even then, she may not turn to you. She might prefer to begin her widowhood without you.
An available man’s involvement with a married woman poses risks: her increasing emotional dependency on him with a concomitant lessening of his ability to depend on her, and, worst of all, the loss of his single most precious and ever-diminishing asset: his time. Tempus fugit, as the Romans said: time flies. While you’re with the married woman, you’ll be wasting your time, no matter how wonderful she may be. She’s not available.
Economists refer to this problem as one of “opportunity costs.” When assets (your time and emotions) are devoted to one investment (the married woman) the investor (you) loses the opportunity to invest that same asset elsewhere (in a relationship with an available woman). The other potential downside of the married woman is that you could fall deeply in love with her but she refuses to leave her husband — in part because she never intended to do so. Men sometimes like to think that if they try hard enough, they can pry a married woman away from her husband. They should think again.
START SPREADING THE WORD
As with women, your first duty to yourself is to inform everyone you can think of that you’re ready to re-enter the world of dating and (if true) that you’re serious and are only interested in women who are also serious – and, if possible, attractive (if that matters to you). Tell your friends, your colleagues at work, your neighbors, doctors, your dentist, old friends, new friends, basically every human being you know or have ever known. Excellent sources of information are your high school and college web sites, if you attended college. Have any girls or women from those days remained in your heart and to this day continue to strike what Lincoln referred to in his magnificent First Inaugural, “the mystic chords of memory”? If so, look them up. Many are on Facebook. Your high school itself could be on Facebook. See if that memorable girl ever married and if so, whether she’s still married. I know several couples in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who reconnected after as many as 50 years apart, during which they were married to others, and are now together as husband and wife, and very happily so.
“But I was a doofus in high school,” you may say. Women know that males mature later than females, and at this point in their lives they’ll be happy to hear from you no matter what you were like then. Women aren’t so shallow as to hold your high school doofusness against you now. Anyway, the guys who peaked in high school aren’t usually the ones we’re delighted to hear from decades later.
THE HAPPIEST HUNTING GROUNDS
The biggest question for men looking for a potential wife or significant other is: where can they find a serious, attractive woman in a place that’s within her comfort zone? We women have eyes in the backs of our heads for guys following us. We were born that way. So don’t think you can just see a woman on the street or the hiking path and follow her home or to her office and all will go smoothly. Unless you’re an undercover cop or PI, she’ll know she’s being followed and this will not be to your benefit.
There were four places I recommended last week where a woman could find a man that would be just as fertile territory for a man seeking a woman: a political campaign headquarters (ideal for the next 14 months), a place of worship, a bookstore, and a soup kitchen or other charitable enterprise. Many hospitals have volunteer organizations that are predominantly composed of women, and predominantly widows, but also divorcées. If you volunteer at a hospital, you’d be doing good for others and might also do well for yourself. I also recommend public lectures on subjects that interest you.
If you’re fortunate enough to live in a town or city with a college or university, avail yourself not only of the free public lectures by faculty members, but also of the lectures available free to the public when noted authors come to town on book tours. These are ideal circumstances to meet a woman. Most places in this country have all kinds of associations for people with all kinds of interests, and opportunities to volunteer your time and expertise. For starters, there’s the all-important USO, the United Service Organization, for which you can volunteer here: usovolunteer.org. Its mission is to “lift the spirits of America’s troops and their families.” Every religion offers opportunities to help others, as do your local police and fire departments.
Many other organizations offer lectures, such as the nation-wide network of World Affairs Councils, and for the musically-gifted there are choirs and musical groups, while for the theatrically-inclined there are local theater groups. Pretend you’re back in high school or college and think of what extracurricular activities interested you then. I’d suggest that if you were a quarterback then, you look into coaching now, rather than taking to the gridiron at 65, but there are lots of sports that can last a lifetime, from brisk walking to swimming to tennis to golf. Women engage in everything mentioned in this paragraph. If they’re not football coaches, they will be mothers of players, as Sandra Bullock so memorably portrayed in The Blind Side, although I’d recommend looking for one who isn’t married.
Readers who commented on last week’s column on ways women could meet men offered ideas that are equally applicable to men eager to meet women. A sampling of their superb suggestions:
…throw a dinner party, or just a party, every six months or so… Make it fun for everyone. Everyone will meet, you’ll have a big party, everyone will think you are wonderful. They will have new friends. At some point, sigh, and ask everyone to find a guy for you…
August 23, 2011 – 6:27 am
…As a 91-year-old woman, the only points I would add and would emphasize are:
- Lots of men are shy.
- Politics and all the various campaigns/causes should be #1 on your list of venues to explore — but only if your interest is sincere. That way you can “do good,” pursue an interest, and meet like-minded men (and make new women friends as well.)
- Learn to play bridge — this is a cause of mine. (http://bridgetable.net) Good for your head, meeting people, and a hobby that can last almost literally until you die — plus, it’s low cost.
August 23, 2011 – 9:05 am
Go to a reunion — high-school reunion, college reunion, whatever.
Old friendships, even those that never quite blossomed into romance, can be renewed, and they’re different when you’re no longer in your teens.
Because I went to my high-school 50th, it happened to me.
August 24, 2011 – 7:55 am
28. John Davies
Go swing dancing. Women look their absolute best when they are smiling and no one can swing dance without smiling.
Make sure when you take a class where they rotate partners. Some classes are set up so that you dance with the same person through the entire class. Avoid them.
- If you have someone to dance with you wouldn’t have to be the one initiating a conversation.
- Rotating partners allows you to meet more guys
- You also become a better dancer
August 24, 2011 – 8:30 pm
34. Teri Pittman
I have experience in this. I lost my husband of 37 years in 2008. I never, ever expected to get involved with anyone else. I met my current boyfriend in the ICU waiting room. His wife was in the hospital the same time as my husband. We became friends because we were both dealing with the same thing….You want someone that you can be friends with.
August 25, 2011 – 10:40 am
I am over 50 and my experience is that pursuing your interests is the way to meet like-minded people, some of whom will be men. It also helps to be happy with your own company because no one likes desperation. Kindness, warmth and not being a control-freak will also help. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, so don’t take it personally when a man isn’t interested. You will also not be interested in every single man.
August 25, 2011 – 10:20 am
For a man looking for a woman, I’d begin with a museum, even if you have no interest in museums. Why? Women feel safe in museums. Don’t go to the part with the paintings and sculpture, though. The following section describes a technique — an art, really — that I recommend that you make every effort to master: being in the right place at the right time so as to allow the woman to make the first move. Yes, I realize you may be aggressive and a veritable Niagara of testosterone, but for these purposes, things are more likely to work out to your advantage if the woman feels she’s more in control of the situation than you are. Here’s my advice of how to accomplish what I call:
If I were a 55-to-95-year-old man, I’d go to the nearest museum and take a book (or a Kindle or an iPad) and proceed to the restaurant or cafeteria in the museum. If there’s no museum nearby, my second choice would be a hospital cafeteria or, failing that, as a distant third, a small, neighborhood cafe or restaurant. I’d get myself a cup of coffee or tea as soon as the place opens. Then I’d sit at a table for two — not for four, but for two. I’d just sit there and read.
If you do this, don’t spread out your stuff all over the table top. You want the table to be inviting in case a woman wants to sit down. She won’t want to if you’ve got piles of newspapers, file folders, your hat, your coat sprawling on the table and onto the other chair. Make it easy for her to place her tray on the other half of the table. I don’t suggest reading a newspaper if it means holding it up with outstretched arms in such a way as to hide your face and torso. If you’re going to do that, you might as well stay home. Look up from time to time. If a woman catches your eye, look her right in the eye and give her a quick, warm smile and then go back to your reading. There’s a chance she’ll come over to your table, especially as the cafeteria fills up, and ask if you mind if she joins you.
Your goal is to be attractive enough and unthreatening enough in a sufficiently safe environment for the woman to come to you and pick you up. You don’t have to look like Cary Grant, Denzel Washington, or George Clooney to excel at this task. You just have to look approachable and nice.
You might also have some luck with a variation on part of my advice to women last week (the tie department suggestion): go to the women’s scarf department in a department store and look at the scarves. Pick one with a lot of blue in it. Why? It’s a color that looks good on many women, as distinct from yellow, which doesn’t. Wait till you see a woman you’d like to get to know, and ask her if she would take a moment to try on the scarf because your sister’s birthday is coming up and your wife used to buy your sister’s birthday presents but now you’re divorced and you need a woman’s eye. Don’t do this if the woman is wearing a wedding ring, unless you just want to practice your lines.
Be prepared to answer questions about this “sister,” though. Where does she live? Is she younger or older? By how many years? How often do you see her? Women can be really curious and if the woman you ask about the scarf is interested in you, she may ask a lot of questions about your sister before she’s willing to give you a chance. If you don’t have a sister, say it’s for another female relative who actually exists. Otherwise, in your first conversation, you’ll be giving out “liar, liar pants on fire” vibes. So, as the Coast Guard says, always ready.
THE POWER OF NICE
Last week, a major theme in the Comments section was the importance of being nice. “Nice” is a little four-letter word that often escapes notice because it isn’t multi-syllabic — like “multi-syllabic.” Plus, it reminds us of grade school: “he’s a nice boy; she’s a nice girl,” as if this were an anodyne quality rather than a Major League Baseball home-run producer combined with an NFL touchdown. In life, nice is huge. Immense. See a few of these comments from readers, if you doubt me (of course, if you doubted me, you probably wouldn’t still be reading this column).
..And, finally, compliment guys and women. Say nice things. Only say nice things…– say what you really like. Tall, handsome, beautiful blue eyes, lovely hands, intelligent hands, strong…take your pick. .. My dad’s final girlfriend before he got married- she said “I don’t understand how such a tall, handsome intelligent man could still be single. I am so fortunate to get to meet you.” I told other men this line, and they were taking pictures of themselves and handing them to me, to give to her, to see if she had a sister, or friends like her, for them. Sight unseen — four states over — they were willing to travel to meet this woman. She is, absolutely, my hero.
August 23, 2011 – 6:27 am
Any demonstration of courage, humor and sincerity, no matter how seemingly small or clumsy, is deeply attractive and always appreciated by people of character. That is what the author is calling for and she is right on the money.
August 25, 2011 – 11:00 am
21. John A. Fleming
Just smile. A genuine “I’m pleased to make your acquaintance” kind of smile. For most men, a woman who actually notices them as a human being, graces them with a honest smile and looks directly into their eyes while talking to them, it’s a memorable highlight of their day. You’ll get their attention, as such an event is all too rare.
August 24, 2011 – 4:45 pm
Some may react to the idea of being nice by thinking, “I’m handsome, I don’t need to be nice.” Or “I’m an orthopedic surgeon or a successful businessman — why do I have to be ‘nice’?” The reason is that you’re a human being and that you have to share this planet, this country, your state, parking lots, highways, your office, and your neighborhood with other human beings. If you get lucky, you’ll share a relationship and your marriage with another human being. You’ll have a far better experience here on Planet Earth, and in any relationship, if you learn to be nice. Being nice isn’t being a wuss or a loser, or a person lacking in serious adult life skills. Being nice is a serious adult life skill.
If you prefer to indulge in being grandiose, self-important, arrogant, obnoxious, full of yourself, and condescending — be my guest. It’s your life. All I’m saying is: give nice a chance. You’ll be amazed by how it trumps gorgeous good looks, heart-stopping sex appeal, piles of money, high social status, celebrity, and any other quality you may think is all-important to a serious woman. You’ll attract lots of shallow, gold-digging, status-seeking women and the two of you will be as happy as two rutting pigs in deep, moist mud. You could even end up being the inspiration for a song, and not one oozing love and tenderness.
HOW IT WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN
In reality, the best-laid plans of mice and men can come to naught. What that means is that sometimes a chance meeting – you turn a corner and literally bump into a wonderful woman – can be all it takes. You’re in a supermarket and your carts collide. The most important thing is to look as sharp as you can every time you leave your home and be ready for that life-changing moment of scrumptious serendipity.
I was in an elevator last week with a guy who was probably at least 85, possibly 90. Did he ever look sharp. Not like a dandy but like an intelligent, warm-hearted man who has a way with style. He reminded me of a phrase uttered by the noted photographer, Bill Cunningham, in the documentary film, Bill Cunningham New York, describing Iris Apfel as “a poet with clothes.” That’s exactly what this man was. In another moment, I would learn that he was much more than that.
As we reached the lobby, and as he gallantly held the elevator door open, motioning for me to precede him, I turned to him and said, “I have to tell you, sir, I wish you could give lessons to every man in this building – no, in this country – on how to look your best. You do, and I want to thank you. You make the world a more gorgeous place.” I wasn’t trying to pick him up. But I did want to express my appreciation for the effort he had obviously made. “How and why do you do it?” I asked.
“Oh, I do it on purpose,” he replied with a smile. “Every night, I put out the tie, the shirt, the silk handkerchief I’m going to place in my breast pocket, everything I’m going to wear the next day. I think of each day as a new chance to cheer someone up. I’ve been doing this my whole life.”
“Well,” I said, “I only pray that you’ll be doing this for the next 30 years.”
“I do, too,” he said. “I get a real kick out of it.”
We went our separate ways. He was wearing a wedding ring and I thought what a lucky lady his wife was. There he was, doing his best to make everyone he met, every day, a little cheerier. I was happy before I saw him, but I felt even better for having had this exchange with him. What a prince.
If you’re shy, ask yourself what’s the worst thing that could happen if you smile a real smile at a woman, look into her eyes, and say something nice? The worst thing that could happen is that she’ll give you a wan smile that, translated from woman-speak to man-speak, means, “Thanks for trying but I’m not interested.” Is that so bad? And that’s the worst that could happen.
Please understand that women are not going to sneer at you, punch you in the nose, knee you, start shouting for the police, or behave in an irrational way just because you say, “That was a really interesting lecture” or “Has every man who’s ever met you told you your eyes are beautiful?” or “Could you show me how you packed your Care Package so neatly?” or “What a beautiful voice you have. Have you always been in choirs?” Yes, we can get pissed off, testy and angry, but not at a man saying anything that nice with a warm (non-lascivious) smile.
So, my last piece of advice is: begin every day ready to turn that corner, get into that elevator, and bump into Ms. Right by chance. It could happen any day, so be ready every day. Serendipity is a mighty force.
This song may help you get into the spirit. Go to it, lads!
– Belladonna Rogers
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