How to Meet Your Next Wife or Significant Other: A Guide for the Perplexed Man
A married woman who seeks a relationship outside her marriage is less driven by predatory instincts as by emotional or sexual insufficiency in her marriage. Thus, by definition, she’ll be needy and potentially high-maintenance with no hope for the man to become her husband. If she’d wanted to leave her husband, she could have. Many women do. Many others weigh the pluses and minuses of their marriages and decide, on balance, they love their husbands, enjoy many of the same activities, share friendships with other couples, and are parents of children they love.
The one aspect of their marital life that may be missing is emotional excitement and sexual fulfillment. Do you want to be her sexual filling station? Your first instinct might be to reply, “Sure! I’d be happy to be anyone’s sexual filling station.” But think about it: what you want is a woman who’ll be there for you, now and in the long-term. A married woman, unless her husband dies, won’t be, and even then, she may not turn to you. She might prefer to begin her widowhood without you.
An available man’s involvement with a married woman poses risks: her increasing emotional dependency on him with a concomitant lessening of his ability to depend on her, and, worst of all, the loss of his single most precious and ever-diminishing asset: his time. Tempus fugit, as the Romans said: time flies. While you’re with the married woman, you’ll be wasting your time, no matter how wonderful she may be. She’s not available.
Economists refer to this problem as one of “opportunity costs.” When assets (your time and emotions) are devoted to one investment (the married woman) the investor (you) loses the opportunity to invest that same asset elsewhere (in a relationship with an available woman). The other potential downside of the married woman is that you could fall deeply in love with her but she refuses to leave her husband — in part because she never intended to do so. Men sometimes like to think that if they try hard enough, they can pry a married woman away from her husband. They should think again.
START SPREADING THE WORD
As with women, your first duty to yourself is to inform everyone you can think of that you’re ready to re-enter the world of dating and (if true) that you’re serious and are only interested in women who are also serious – and, if possible, attractive (if that matters to you). Tell your friends, your colleagues at work, your neighbors, doctors, your dentist, old friends, new friends, basically every human being you know or have ever known. Excellent sources of information are your high school and college web sites, if you attended college. Have any girls or women from those days remained in your heart and to this day continue to strike what Lincoln referred to in his magnificent First Inaugural, “the mystic chords of memory”? If so, look them up. Many are on Facebook. Your high school itself could be on Facebook. See if that memorable girl ever married and if so, whether she’s still married. I know several couples in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who reconnected after as many as 50 years apart, during which they were married to others, and are now together as husband and wife, and very happily so.
“But I was a doofus in high school,” you may say. Women know that males mature later than females, and at this point in their lives they’ll be happy to hear from you no matter what you were like then. Women aren’t so shallow as to hold your high school doofusness against you now. Anyway, the guys who peaked in high school aren’t usually the ones we’re delighted to hear from decades later.
THE HAPPIEST HUNTING GROUNDS
The biggest question for men looking for a potential wife or significant other is: where can they find a serious, attractive woman in a place that’s within her comfort zone? We women have eyes in the backs of our heads for guys following us. We were born that way. So don’t think you can just see a woman on the street or the hiking path and follow her home or to her office and all will go smoothly. Unless you’re an undercover cop or PI, she’ll know she’s being followed and this will not be to your benefit.
There were four places I recommended last week where a woman could find a man that would be just as fertile territory for a man seeking a woman: a political campaign headquarters (ideal for the next 14 months), a place of worship, a bookstore, and a soup kitchen or other charitable enterprise. Many hospitals have volunteer organizations that are predominantly composed of women, and predominantly widows, but also divorcées. If you volunteer at a hospital, you’d be doing good for others and might also do well for yourself. I also recommend public lectures on subjects that interest you.
If you’re fortunate enough to live in a town or city with a college or university, avail yourself not only of the free public lectures by faculty members, but also of the lectures available free to the public when noted authors come to town on book tours. These are ideal circumstances to meet a woman. Most places in this country have all kinds of associations for people with all kinds of interests, and opportunities to volunteer your time and expertise. For starters, there’s the all-important USO, the United Service Organization, for which you can volunteer here: usovolunteer.org. Its mission is to “lift the spirits of America’s troops and their families.” Every religion offers opportunities to help others, as do your local police and fire departments.
Many other organizations offer lectures, such as the nation-wide network of World Affairs Councils, and for the musically-gifted there are choirs and musical groups, while for the theatrically-inclined there are local theater groups. Pretend you’re back in high school or college and think of what extracurricular activities interested you then. I’d suggest that if you were a quarterback then, you look into coaching now, rather than taking to the gridiron at 65, but there are lots of sports that can last a lifetime, from brisk walking to swimming to tennis to golf. Women engage in everything mentioned in this paragraph. If they’re not football coaches, they will be mothers of players, as Sandra Bullock so memorably portrayed in The Blind Side, although I’d recommend looking for one who isn’t married.
Readers who commented on last week’s column on ways women could meet men offered ideas that are equally applicable to men eager to meet women. A sampling of their superb suggestions:
1. ari
…throw a dinner party, or just a party, every six months or so… Make it fun for everyone. Everyone will meet, you’ll have a big party, everyone will think you are wonderful. They will have new friends. At some point, sigh, and ask everyone to find a guy for you…
August 23, 2011 – 6:27 am
3. aurora1920
…As a 91-year-old woman, the only points I would add and would emphasize are:
- Lots of men are shy.
- Politics and all the various campaigns/causes should be #1 on your list of venues to explore — but only if your interest is sincere. That way you can “do good,” pursue an interest, and meet like-minded men (and make new women friends as well.)
- Learn to play bridge — this is a cause of mine. (http://bridgetable.net) Good for your head, meeting people, and a hobby that can last almost literally until you die — plus, it’s low cost.
August 23, 2011 – 9:05 am
13. Jeannette
Another suggestion:
Go to a reunion — high-school reunion, college reunion, whatever.
Old friendships, even those that never quite blossomed into romance, can be renewed, and they’re different when you’re no longer in your teens.
Because I went to my high-school 50th, it happened to me.August 24, 2011 – 7:55 am
28. John Davies
Go swing dancing. Women look their absolute best when they are smiling and no one can swing dance without smiling.
Make sure when you take a class where they rotate partners. Some classes are set up so that you dance with the same person through the entire class. Avoid them.
- If you have someone to dance with you wouldn’t have to be the one initiating a conversation.
- Rotating partners allows you to meet more guys
- You also become a better dancer
August 24, 2011 – 8:30 pm
34. Teri Pittman
I have experience in this. I lost my husband of 37 years in 2008. I never, ever expected to get involved with anyone else. I met my current boyfriend in the ICU waiting room. His wife was in the hospital the same time as my husband. We became friends because we were both dealing with the same thing….You want someone that you can be friends with.
August 25, 2011 – 10:40 am
32. microcosme
I am over 50 and my experience is that pursuing your interests is the way to meet like-minded people, some of whom will be men. It also helps to be happy with your own company because no one likes desperation. Kindness, warmth and not being a control-freak will also help. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, so don’t take it personally when a man isn’t interested. You will also not be interested in every single man.
August 25, 2011 – 10:20 am
For a man looking for a woman, I’d begin with a museum, even if you have no interest in museums. Why? Women feel safe in museums. Don’t go to the part with the paintings and sculpture, though. The following section describes a technique — an art, really — that I recommend that you make every effort to master: being in the right place at the right time so as to allow the woman to make the first move. Yes, I realize you may be aggressive and a veritable Niagara of testosterone, but for these purposes, things are more likely to work out to your advantage if the woman feels she’s more in control of the situation than you are. Here’s my advice of how to accomplish what I call:
If I were a 55-to-95-year-old man, I’d go to the nearest museum and take a book (or a Kindle or an iPad) and proceed to the restaurant or cafeteria in the museum. If there’s no museum nearby, my second choice would be a hospital cafeteria or, failing that, as a distant third, a small, neighborhood cafe or restaurant. I’d get myself a cup of coffee or tea as soon as the place opens. Then I’d sit at a table for two — not for four, but for two. I’d just sit there and read.
If you do this, don’t spread out your stuff all over the table top. You want the table to be inviting in case a woman wants to sit down. She won’t want to if you’ve got piles of newspapers, file folders, your hat, your coat sprawling on the table and onto the other chair. Make it easy for her to place her tray on the other half of the table. I don’t suggest reading a newspaper if it means holding it up with outstretched arms in such a way as to hide your face and torso. If you’re going to do that, you might as well stay home. Look up from time to time. If a woman catches your eye, look her right in the eye and give her a quick, warm smile and then go back to your reading. There’s a chance she’ll come over to your table, especially as the cafeteria fills up, and ask if you mind if she joins you.
Your goal is to be attractive enough and unthreatening enough in a sufficiently safe environment for the woman to come to you and pick you up. You don’t have to look like Cary Grant, Denzel Washington, or George Clooney to excel at this task. You just have to look approachable and nice.
You might also have some luck with a variation on part of my advice to women last week (the tie department suggestion): go to the women’s scarf department in a department store and look at the scarves. Pick one with a lot of blue in it. Why? It’s a color that looks good on many women, as distinct from yellow, which doesn’t. Wait till you see a woman you’d like to get to know, and ask her if she would take a moment to try on the scarf because your sister’s birthday is coming up and your wife used to buy your sister’s birthday presents but now you’re divorced and you need a woman’s eye. Don’t do this if the woman is wearing a wedding ring, unless you just want to practice your lines.
Be prepared to answer questions about this “sister,” though. Where does she live? Is she younger or older? By how many years? How often do you see her? Women can be really curious and if the woman you ask about the scarf is interested in you, she may ask a lot of questions about your sister before she’s willing to give you a chance. If you don’t have a sister, say it’s for another female relative who actually exists. Otherwise, in your first conversation, you’ll be giving out “liar, liar pants on fire” vibes. So, as the Coast Guard says, always ready.
THE POWER OF NICE
Last week, a major theme in the Comments section was the importance of being nice. “Nice” is a little four-letter word that often escapes notice because it isn’t multi-syllabic — like “multi-syllabic.” Plus, it reminds us of grade school: “he’s a nice boy; she’s a nice girl,” as if this were an anodyne quality rather than a Major League Baseball home-run producer combined with an NFL touchdown. In life, nice is huge. Immense. See a few of these comments from readers, if you doubt me (of course, if you doubted me, you probably wouldn’t still be reading this column).
1. ari
..And, finally, compliment guys and women. Say nice things. Only say nice things…– say what you really like. Tall, handsome, beautiful blue eyes, lovely hands, intelligent hands, strong…take your pick. .. My dad’s final girlfriend before he got married- she said “I don’t understand how such a tall, handsome intelligent man could still be single. I am so fortunate to get to meet you.” I told other men this line, and they were taking pictures of themselves and handing them to me, to give to her, to see if she had a sister, or friends like her, for them. Sight unseen — four states over — they were willing to travel to meet this woman. She is, absolutely, my hero.
August 23, 2011 – 6:27 am
SK
Any demonstration of courage, humor and sincerity, no matter how seemingly small or clumsy, is deeply attractive and always appreciated by people of character. That is what the author is calling for and she is right on the money.
August 25, 2011 – 11:00 am
21. John A. Fleming
Just smile. A genuine “I’m pleased to make your acquaintance” kind of smile. For most men, a woman who actually notices them as a human being, graces them with a honest smile and looks directly into their eyes while talking to them, it’s a memorable highlight of their day. You’ll get their attention, as such an event is all too rare.
August 24, 2011 – 4:45 pm
Some may react to the idea of being nice by thinking, “I’m handsome, I don’t need to be nice.” Or “I’m an orthopedic surgeon or a successful businessman — why do I have to be ‘nice’?” The reason is that you’re a human being and that you have to share this planet, this country, your state, parking lots, highways, your office, and your neighborhood with other human beings. If you get lucky, you’ll share a relationship and your marriage with another human being. You’ll have a far better experience here on Planet Earth, and in any relationship, if you learn to be nice. Being nice isn’t being a wuss or a loser, or a person lacking in serious adult life skills. Being nice is a serious adult life skill.
If you prefer to indulge in being grandiose, self-important, arrogant, obnoxious, full of yourself, and condescending — be my guest. It’s your life. All I’m saying is: give nice a chance. You’ll be amazed by how it trumps gorgeous good looks, heart-stopping sex appeal, piles of money, high social status, celebrity, and any other quality you may think is all-important to a serious woman. You’ll attract lots of shallow, gold-digging, status-seeking women and the two of you will be as happy as two rutting pigs in deep, moist mud. You could even end up being the inspiration for a song, and not one oozing love and tenderness.
HOW IT WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN
In reality, the best-laid plans of mice and men can come to naught. What that means is that sometimes a chance meeting – you turn a corner and literally bump into a wonderful woman – can be all it takes. You’re in a supermarket and your carts collide. The most important thing is to look as sharp as you can every time you leave your home and be ready for that life-changing moment of scrumptious serendipity.
I was in an elevator last week with a guy who was probably at least 85, possibly 90. Did he ever look sharp. Not like a dandy but like an intelligent, warm-hearted man who has a way with style. He reminded me of a phrase uttered by the noted photographer, Bill Cunningham, in the documentary film, Bill Cunningham New York, describing Iris Apfel as “a poet with clothes.” That’s exactly what this man was. In another moment, I would learn that he was much more than that.
As we reached the lobby, and as he gallantly held the elevator door open, motioning for me to precede him, I turned to him and said, “I have to tell you, sir, I wish you could give lessons to every man in this building – no, in this country – on how to look your best. You do, and I want to thank you. You make the world a more gorgeous place.” I wasn’t trying to pick him up. But I did want to express my appreciation for the effort he had obviously made. “How and why do you do it?” I asked.
“Oh, I do it on purpose,” he replied with a smile. “Every night, I put out the tie, the shirt, the silk handkerchief I’m going to place in my breast pocket, everything I’m going to wear the next day. I think of each day as a new chance to cheer someone up. I’ve been doing this my whole life.”
“Well,” I said, “I only pray that you’ll be doing this for the next 30 years.”
“I do, too,” he said. “I get a real kick out of it.”
We went our separate ways. He was wearing a wedding ring and I thought what a lucky lady his wife was. There he was, doing his best to make everyone he met, every day, a little cheerier. I was happy before I saw him, but I felt even better for having had this exchange with him. What a prince.
If you’re shy, ask yourself what’s the worst thing that could happen if you smile a real smile at a woman, look into her eyes, and say something nice? The worst thing that could happen is that she’ll give you a wan smile that, translated from woman-speak to man-speak, means, “Thanks for trying but I’m not interested.” Is that so bad? And that’s the worst that could happen.
Please understand that women are not going to sneer at you, punch you in the nose, knee you, start shouting for the police, or behave in an irrational way just because you say, “That was a really interesting lecture” or “Has every man who’s ever met you told you your eyes are beautiful?” or “Could you show me how you packed your Care Package so neatly?” or “What a beautiful voice you have. Have you always been in choirs?” Yes, we can get pissed off, testy and angry, but not at a man saying anything that nice with a warm (non-lascivious) smile.
So, my last piece of advice is: begin every day ready to turn that corner, get into that elevator, and bump into Ms. Right by chance. It could happen any day, so be ready every day. Serendipity is a mighty force.
This song may help you get into the spirit. Go to it, lads! 
– Belladonna Rogers
Do you have questions? Belladonna Rogers has answers. Send your questions or comments about politics, personal matters, or anything else that’s on your mind and Belladonna will answer as many as possible. The names and email addresses of all advice-seekers will remain anonymous and confidential. Send your questions or confidential comments to: advice@pjmedia.com
Good old Bella has done it again. Hit another one out of the ballpark. Way to go, Bella. I do think you might have spent morre time on the dangers that a married woman poses to an unattached male. If the situation heats up enough it could result in the man staring down the barrel of an angry husband’s favorite weapon of ass destruction.
Listening to the Coast Guard, I was instantly reminded of the old Tom Lehrer song. It was the Boy Scout Marching Song: Be Prepared. The cross-reference was probably not intended, but it did make me laugh.
Great ideas are those that refer to how a man speaks to waitresses and other public servants. Rude should not appear. Entitlement neither. Arrogance never. Flee at the first signs of these. But if a man gets high marks for opening doors and generous tips–how can the woman tell if this is just the for the “show” part of the relationship? How can you tell what the man will be doing a year or two down the road. Reminds me of the old line: a porter: “Sir, can I carry your bag?; man: “No, shel’ll walk.”
Who the man makes eye contact with while talking is critical. I know a guy who never looks at the sky when he talks. He does not reply to questions except by telling things about himself. Always self-referential. No eye contact. Bad signs.
But a lot of this is advice for women, really. Things to watch out for and protect one’s self from in the male behavior. It is true though, that what works for women, works for men–”advice-wise.” If a man finds a woman who talks down to waitresses or taxi drivers, beware. In this advice line of endeavor, be reminded that each item can be a sword with two very sharp edges.
As for men: they should yes, be clean and shorn and flossed, and a smell a tad nice (lime or lemon would be OK too, no?), but as for how they should act or be, well shouldn’t they just be themselves at heart. I’m not sure that giving them recipes for how to attract and find an an available woman is going to be successful UNLESS the man makes the changes permanent.
The hearing aid advice is excellent. I personally suffer from tinnitus for which there is no cure. And it does rob me of some hearing ability. When I start to lose conversations I will l hunt down a hearing aid. Meanwhile, the judicious use of a hand-painted old-time tin horn is quite effective. It also makes people laugh a lot. A good thing, no?
I feel humbled at the weight and thoroughness of the Belladona piece.
The reference to the great Tom Lehrer was definitely implied. For readers unfamiliar with this classic, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSwjuz_-yao
One other oldie but goldie of Lehrer’s is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAOwYDlEQXo&feature=related
For any reader who’d like to know more about this great satirist and major mathematician: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Lehrer
Thanks for your comment, Pundit. You’ve made excellent suggestions, and an enthusiastic yes to lemon/lime scents for men.
When you write, “But a lot of this is advice for women, really. Things to watch out for and protect one’s self from in the male behavior.” I agree. I was also trying to alert men to how their behavior appears to women see them in case no lady friend has ever said these things directly to them.
My hope was that by expressing a woman’s perspective on certain all-too-prevalent male behavior patterns, one or two might recognize themselves and gain an inkling about why they haven’t been able to maintain long-term relationships with women, or possibly even short-term ones.
My thanks again for your comment.
Failure to make eye contact is not a reliable indicator of bad character. Asperger’s Syndrome is trendy these days, but in fact it’s just a complex of behaviours on a broad spectrum ranging from the normal male brain at one end, to head-banging autism at the other. In other words, most men exhibit them to a greater or lesser degree. What that means for us men in practice, is that women can read our minds far better than we can read theirs.
Women are better at reading faces. Their communication is largely non-verbal. Men get less information from faces, and differ in their degree of ability to read faces. This can make them socially inept, and their gaze may wander. This doesn’t mean that they’re not concentrating, aren’t interested or don’t respect you. They just don’t give the same priority to eye contact because they get little information from it. So they’re easily distracted.
Your advice for men is all the more important, because the men I’ve described may not even be aware that other people value eye contact in conversation. So, if it doesn’t come naturally, they need to concentrate on it. But women should not assume that, if a man’s eyes wander, he’s a self-absorbed jerk. And they can help by not wearing low-cut necklines.
What? No heroes? No Howard Roarks or John Galts or Hank Reardens? Not even a Sam Spade or a Chess Hanrhan? No one of exceptional accomplishment? No fighters for freedom? No one willing to risk his life and/or reputation to advance an idea? No intellectuals? All you can recommend are “regular fellows” indistinguishable from the next? No one who is out there fighting the battles that need to be fought? No one dedicated to his work? No one who’s an exemplar of integrity, conviction and courage? They’re just not good prospects? . I guess you haven’t any advice for them. I’m nearly 65 and there just aren’t any “matches” out there, regardless of age. Not anymore. Everyone seems to have been dumbed down, and liking it
As a 26 year old male, I had thoughts very similar to yours. I have served my country and fought for.. what? People to be homogenized and non-descript? Some of the things Bella mentions I have always done even back into pre-puberty. I have never treated a woman disrespectfully, nor do I ever look down on other people. I’ve been on the other end of the spectrum, working the junk jobs to pay the bills. I have a vast appreciation for people that have -character-. A person who simply slogs through the day to pay bills with no aspirations destroys a piece of my soul.
Bella, if I may ask: Do you have any advice for a single male who has never been married on how to find “the one”? I have had no luck yet and I don’t know of anyone in my generation that even knows how to get together without “clubbing”. I am a philosopher among many other things and I enjoy hearing a woman’s character through her voice and eyes rather than through her rump-shaking, grinding, sex-on-the-dance-floor moves.
Help?
Zamir,
First and foremost, thank you for serving our country. It takes courage, patriotism, strength of character and discipline to do what you have done in your 26 years, and I admire you for it.
I’ll be glad to devote a future column on finding the “right” person in one’s 20s, rather than his 60s, but if you’re more interested in a young lady with whom you can discuss philosophy than in going clubbing, I would ask whether you live near a community college and could enroll in a philosophy or other course where you might meet a like-minded person? Usually tuitions are low if you live in the area near the community college, so that might be a start.
Political campaigns and volunteering at hospitals, or even having lunch at a hospital cafeteria on your day off will put you in close proximity to nurses, a profession that tends to attract altruistic, intelligent and kind women of all ages. Hospital cafeterias are often open 24/7 and so if there’s a large hospital nearby, you might take a book and read at a table and see if you can strike up a conversation with a nurse. I know many men happily married to nurses. Nursing is one of the greatest professions there is and includes the kind of woman you may be looking for.
These are just some first thoughts. I seriously doubt you will find “the one” in a club. Not impossible, but highly unlikely. Feel free to write to me at advice@pajamasmedia.com for further thoughts.
Again, I salute you for your service, and I believe you will definitely find a woman who appreciates the sacrifice you made — but not in a club, unless it’s a book club set up by your local public library.
My short Army service led to the fortunate meeting on a Chicago beach 55 years ago of this Texan, a Protestant, with a lovely young Chicago Catholic. It was love at first sight; we married, in church, six months later. Religion never interfered, except for our parents. So you could say I was twice lucky, since my prior longtime girlfriend had married out from under me, thank goodness. The fates have been kind and our marriage has been fruitful and satisfying–so far.
Great addition to the Comments, and warm congratulations on your 55 years of wedded happiness. If your comment doesn’t illustrate the meaning of “serendipity” and all I write about its importance in life, I don’t know what does.
Thanks for giving us the benefit of your wonderful love story, and thank you, too, for your service to our country.
Kudos to you and your bride. It wasn’t easy marrying into a different religion then (still isn’t) but you both trusted your instincts and were borne out by the success you have enjoyed for more than half a century.
Wishing you many more happy years together.
Belladonna
The only advice is to keep looking, and put yourself where adventurous, exciting women might be. You might not find her in this country, but those women exist. Wallflowers are probably not joining the Peace Corps or the military.
In my case, stationed overseas, I taught a couple of English classes. Someone who would travel halfway around the world to meet a pen-pal has enough of a sense of adventure for me. It’s worked for 35 years so far, so I’m optimistic.
There’s good advice in this article, but not for me. There will never be another Mrs D. Nobody could stand the comparison.
What? Again? No words of encouragement for Sparrowhawk? No comforting assurances? Not even the brush-off? Or an “in your dreams”? I guess not. But, then, I’m not a Forrest Gump, and Gump seems to be the measure of the men who take heart from this column.
Zamir,
You sound like a great catch. My advice (for what it’s worth) is to pursue your interests and find like-minded people. I am on some reading websites (shelfari and goodreads). I could likely meet men there through mutual book tastes. I am also on a photography site, flickr, where one can meet very nice people. These are not dating sites, but you can meet people who share your values and interests. You never know who will come along. good luck.
Do you have any advice for a single male who has never been married on how to find “the one”?
First and foremost, I believe the idea of “the one” or “soul mate” is the stuff of romantic fantasy, not reality. Taken literally, it would imply that of all the billions of people on Earth, there is only one that you’re meant to spend your life with. What a depressing thought! If that were true, a person would have to beat odds on the order of being struck by lightning while winning the Powerball lottery.
Instead of trying to find “the one”, look around at the women you encounter in daily life. You may well be overlooking someone perfectly acceptable while holding out for some mythical “one”. You may well meet her by accident. Be open to opportunities – you never know what you might find if you broaden your horizons.
I think what Belladonna says about letting people know you’re looking for leads is probably good. Here’s story of two couples in my family and how they met:
#1-a physical therapist, 35. New patient–older woman–on 3d visit asks her (hard to imagine myself doing this but this is what she did): “Do you Date?” She explained that at holiday party routinely spent with her daughter and family, always included is this nice young man, about to turn 40. People at the party decide they will be on look out for nice ladies in their 30s and he agrees to date anyone they come up with. I guess the hostess’ mom wasn’t fulfilling her quota and so looking even at her PT as a possibility! PT, serendipitously, had only recently started dating again, before giving up on idea of marriage. And so she said, “Give him my card!” They had several LONG LONG phone chats, met at a restaurant on 4th of July, got engaged within 6 months and married following May.
#2 – Again a PT involved. This one in her late 20s. Young man ditto. He hurts his leg running, goes for treatment, and he’s smitten. She gives him all his instructions, exercises, etcetera but, as she recounts the tale, thought he’d be like MOST young men patients–they’re poor at follow thru in her experience.
He, however, being smitten does what he’s told comes BACK AND BACK until she finally has to dismiss him. And he THEN asks her for a date! Married within a year. Both of them, also had been out of the dating scene for a while.
I think key in two described is that all of them really wanted to get married,not just date to be going out someplace, were sincere from outset and clicked from outset.
So, tell your friends to be on look at. Could think of some inventive way you can LOOK OVER some PTs — then feign a bad back or some such and there you are! Problem is you usually have to get a referral from a physician and how do you find out which PT he refers you to??
Or find out where there’s a PT meeting (research on internet), go hang out in hotel where they’re staying. They do have meetings on-going training they must take to keep their license, etcetera.
Nope. no comfort. your question is set up backwards. Wife-ing is a private activity. A great man is a public sort of thing. Nice is private behavior- it’s the small things. Wife-ing- you’re dealing with the guy when he’s in his sweatpants and flannel bathrobe and favorite tee-shirt, trying to find breakfast cereal, or asking for soup b/c he’s got a cold. You’re watching a tv show together at the end of they day. Wives are a private garden. Think about it- can you name any of the PJM wives? Me neither. Can you name any of the wives from long- lasting Hollywood marriages? Me neither. You hear about the wife, at most, a year before the divorce proceedings.
So, who do you want in those pajamas? Ronald Reagan, who was obviously justly adored and coddled by his excellent wife? or Jimmy Carter, a bitter, vicious little man who made the White House so uncomfortable his wife had to wear her coat and gloves indoors, shaking with the cold, while answering mail? Would you rather be Laura Bush- obviously adored and respected? Or Hillary? Who, while publicly powerful——I cannot imagine her private life, how devastating it must be. B/c a cheater has stepped out in his presence and in his decency and in his good manners and attentiveness, before he ever unzips and steps out with his body.
to paraphrase psalms: It is better to laugh over a quarter-pounder at Mcdonalds, than weep over a ribeye at Ruth Chris.
We know the fate of Ghengis Khan’s wife Borte, and all her children, b/c Ghengis Khan adored and respected his wife. We have no clue what happened to Roxanne, who was married to Alexander, nor do we know what happened, or if, there were children. Roxanne was a political appointment, basically. Smithers, on the Simpsons, is the only person who needs to make the “great man” criteria the basis of his private life- Burns already plans to embalm him in his sarcophagus.
Great is no guarantee of good.
zamir,
go find the girl who’s reading Twilight, or a big romance novel- she’s not afraid of you, she’s all about the nurturing, and she wants the big, heroic guy sweeping her off her feet. not the movie- the books.
and, yeah, find a nurse.
and, she might be quiet and reserved and surprised that such a big, handsome, smart heroic guy is interested in her- so go up to her already. smile. ask her out. you’ll both be happier. do something simple first- even a high school sporting event.
and, yeah, take belladonna’s advice. she’s really good at this, and has thought of all the details. so write her- I want to hear a big announcement about your happy upcoming nuptials in a year or two.
Well, Mr. “Sparrowhawk”—odd considerations of age, notwithstanding—although those men and women are out there, and than a drunk on the street, or other of the lower class, are much more closely connected by the earth’s electric circle, in order to approach, or be seen of the kind of people who admire heroes, are drawn to courage, daring-do, integrity, and on, you’d have to act and react on that level of higher expression; for, it is in no such simplistic “I think, therefore I am.”—and perhaps much less in any “I speak, therefore I am.”—that, we are to have our being—but only a mere and rather empty sense of existence—but it is in the thinking and doing and perhaps, then speaking, that, it is at all to be known to those of the higher characteristic that, we possess our being equivalent to their same possession and the which, can no mere rant circumferential to those things in anywise, effect, . . .
And to have included just something about age: For whatever use a man or a woman may be in marriage—partly, because the woman matures sooner, and at some indefinite space in time then, that maturation is seen as, . . . age, . . . and partly because of the power for grabbing and getting which men do for their marriage, i.e., to sustain the lives of those whose dependence he shoulders—all things being maintained in equivalence—than the woman, the man is useful for a longer space of time; and it is for these reasons and for the essential concomitants that, women do not see relative age as the barrier against any given man, which ageing men—and Society in general—hold against maturing women: I say, “and Society in general” because, for the reason that, comfort in the physical elements of Society depends upon large groups of energetic and enthusiastic workers, say, young people of all age brackets, herefrom, couples who do not present in a likelihood of fertility are disfavored—an aged women with a young man is rare and is but little welcomed in groups of intimate association. They are loners, and in my experience, remarkably often to be seen among those of the underworld.
So, beginning at 65, you perhaps, need to learn how to seek your own level; and, if you are such as you wish, no one need tell you how, . . . but only this: keep a’reading books—those kind of women love poetry, . . .
That is a LOT of advice–my only quibble is that men who have all those virtues (or willing to acquire them) may deserve women of equal virtue BUT (human nature being what it is) ought to be alert to evidence in the woman’s behavior that she lacks something in terms of being a good human being.
And do it, probably, before they advance the relationship to sex–may blind him to character flaws so obvious to all around EXCEPT him. Lifetime and other such TV drama series are heavy with plots in which a woman first transfixes a man with sex and then he is utterly blind to traits from gross infidelity to getting someone to do him in. And here’s the thing–the stories are often based on true life stories. The level of malice/evil/infidelity in the woman is astonishing–and the man in these true life dramas seems unable to recognize her flaws until its too late. But then men never watch this tacky kind of drama, do they?
All I am saying, is that a man as good and kind and such as you recommend being CAN be taken advantage of by a lowdown scheming woman.
Out of all the many criteria you list, there are two that I’ve said myself whenever asked, all my long life, and sometimes when unasked–taught to me by my mother and what I thought was a sophisticated older women (she was 45, I maybe 23) at one of my first jobs:
1. Always pay attention to how a man treats waitresses (Men should do the same, pay attention to how their date treats the waitress).
2. Don’t ever marry a cheapskate–they have crabbed (old-fashioned word,
pronounced in two syllables)souls-woman can be a bit cheap and still good human beings–for men it’s a fatal indication of “not good marriage material.”
You are so right, general courtesy to others (doesn’t have to be fancy manners at all) is hugely important. I have three adult children and all three of them have said to me at separate times and on more than one occasion since my husband died many years ago at a young age, basically–
“What I remember about Daddy, is that whenever we drove through a toll booth, he always smiled and said good morning or hello to the person standing there and I still think of him every time I go through a toll booth.”
So parents, watch yourself! Rudeness to the people you deal with, for your kids, is a LEARNING EXPERIENCE. Is that what you want to pass on to them?
I can’t say I’m as good at spreading just general good-will as my husband was. I tend to be oblivious, wrapped in my thoughts about this and that–not rude but forgetful and “absent” at times. But I learned so much from Bill and, like my kids, always think of him going thru a toll booth with a human being in it.
I use the cheapskate criteria on woman as well as men. For instance, in a group lunch of women, if one fails to tip (count on others to cover up the omission) they’re off my list as a potential friend. Don’t ever choose a travel companion amongst women without knowing if you’re on the same wavelength when it comes to tipping!
Belladonna, you write such long, meaty, content-rich articles that in today’s publishing world they could be whole books with very little padding added, perhaps just some philosophizing on how you came to this or that advice, quotes and anecdotes, etc.
Another great piece! Wonderful, detailed advice … and a new personal goal for me: I want to be the elevator guy when I hit 90.
A thought to add for men … It helps to LIKE women. Guys, ask yourself very directly: “What do I like about women?” IF your answer is about where it was in your Sophomore year of college, you might have a problem attracting an enduring partner. AND you’ll miss out on matching up with a woman you truly love. I’ve always enjoyed the company of a “woman with backbone.” Please spare me the princesses of the world … So when I met my wife – both of us were in our 50′s – and she turned out to have character and more than a little bit of spine, I was immediately attracted to and interested in her.
So my thought is ask yourself what you like … NOT what you expect, because that will lead you down all kinds of goofy paths. Don’t go that way … look instead for you like ABOUT women … in my experience, that’s been much more rewarding.
frankns has it right. You have to LIKE the opposite sex. Enjoy spending time with them, talking to them, listening to them. Be interesting and stay interesting. Be a good conversationalist. Yes, it’s a lost art. Bring it back. Genuinely enjoy the company of women. See them as people. Find one whose drives are similar to your own. Give her the sense that you control yourself and have a plan in life. That you have ideas for what you will do together. Take charge. Don’t give her valentines when she wants passion and adventure.
Above all, be a man. Be yourself as a man. Yes, I know society has tried to castrate you, and feminize you, but fight back. Let her know your intentions without spelling them out, and I don’t mean intentions about marriage or relationships. Don’t go automatically sharing all that you are with her, in that oh-so-sensitive metrosexual way. If you’re looking to move down the road with her, she’s going to get awfully bored knowing everything about you.
Mike, you are, I’m sorry to say, a genuinely clueless clod. Good luck having a serious relationship while holding everything in. It must be pretty bad for you to be so fearful of a woman’s reaction to knowing the real you. It’s not only metrosexuals who share their innermost thoughts. It’s big, strong, sexy men who want a deep relationship and not a
fly-by-night affair.
Well written, interesting and full of good advice.
I was, however, disappointed in the bit about the scarf.
You’re wrong to recommend that a guy be cunning and deceitful.
That’s often a woman thing, and a man hates it.
BTW, supermarkets work very well.
Well, people are interesting: And, I notice again, the pjm writers make excellent composition to look as so easy a thing. And I wonder why can not I do it so, . . .
The interspersing with music was, . . . so, . . . so, . . . it was design in artistry just almost over the top; I’m going to try a couple of those pieces—I think I can do them, . . .
Same old crap, just give me a good slut for an evening, my wants and needs are simple, and I like it that way.
As important as relationships are to anyone, you have to know when to cut your losses, or potential losses, and move on to maintain your own emotional health and well being. Time marches on, and so should you.
One of the latest individuals to enlighten me was Deborah Tannen.
Her book, “You Just Don’t Understand”, has given me insight into male/female communication that has taken my relationships to an important level of understanding.
I’m in no way perfect, but, after maintaining my current relationship for more than two decades, I can say that I’m getting better at it.
Cybergeezer,
First, my congratulations on maintaining your current relationship for more than 20 years. That takes real effort, and, of course, brings real rewards. I’m delighted you mentioned Deborah Tannen’s fine book.
Also glad you wrote, “As important as relationships are to anyone, you have to know when to cut your losses, or potential losses, and move on to maintain your own emotional health and well being.”
This is exactly the topic of an upcoming column in September, tentatively entitled, “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do,”taking off from your point that you do have to know when to cut bait, and how to do so without leaving a permanent, irreparable emotional gash as you head out the door.
Many thanks for your comment.
(Ms. Rogers; I may be a little premature with this comment, but I submit it anyway:)
Unfortunately, dignity can be severely strained, and sometimes completely discarded with many separations, but it can be accomplished.
Unless it is passed on from your parents/guardians, it often takes considerable “on the job training” and experience to initiate and complete a dignified separation from a romantic relationship, or even a career.
The “quality” of the final disposition of the termination, can often exhibit hidden personality traits that would have been completely incompatible for an extended partnership.
Running articles such as yours, I believe, makes PJM a broad spectrum publication, that separates it from many narrowly focused websites.
Thanks for the variety.
Well, what about those who don’t want a serious relationship, but somebody fun to be with? My wife left me and the kids after 23 yrs, I’m torn apart and really not wanting to get serious with anyone, and I have to get the kids through high school without feeling neglected/betrayed by me.
I also don’t want to lead on some woman looking for the serious or long lasting thing, particularly some woman my age whe sees her time dwindling. So, in a few years I’ll be looking for someone interesting and fun but not permanent. So, is that more likely to be someone considerably younger than me, where we both know up front it won’t last do to the age difference? Just relax, have a good time, and then part ways?
From the “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge” department:
But why would a nice man be searching for a woman to overcome?
(tee hee)
What can I say but LOL and touché!
I plead guilty.
Now that you mention it, it reminds me of the Groucho line, ““One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”
A friend of mine reports having seen this classic on a memorial plinth in England:
“Erected to the Memory of William Leith
“Accidentally shot
“As a Mark of Affection by his Brother.”
People are often at their funniest when they’re straining to be serious.
Well, “Francis W. Porretto” somewhere along the active—even tumultuous—passage of time in marriage—and, to be built up in our oral tradition on the man’s side, and on the woman’s side, and here-and-there in literature or other media—it is to dawn on the participant that, the achievement and perfection of skill in the constant exchange of dominance is perhaps the largest part of what social relations are all about—and this, beginning in marriage, and perfection first sought there, resulting in physical/psycho/social gain in the family members, carried thence to a larger world of contest concerning many things, and withal, finally, to the appreciation in standard of living in the generation up and coming—in a word, skillful management of each one’s part in the art of exchange of dominance allows Society to move forward ever more gracefully, in wealth, and in evolving standards of decency, . . .
Somewhere along the line, one has to accept the social challenges having to do with overcoming another personality, or allowing oneself to be overcome, and find ways in which that is the individual’s most enjoyed engagement, beginning with one man and one woman and what they bring to the game, . . . problem is, so very many haven’t made much investment in themselves; so, having little to work with, often, the interchanges grow into mundane patterns of triteness, and resulting or ending in levels of unhappiness.
So, to have said something about “overcoming” and dominance in marriage as becoming of learned patterns for successful management of necessary challenges in the larger Society—and, despite a little run-on here-and-there—”Francis W. Porretto”, in very many of the comments upon this article, you think you can see any sign, or even of plain evidence, of poor apprehension of what marriage is, . . . “Francis W. Porretto”, . . . m-m-m-m?
Excuse me, but are you reading-comprehension-challenged, or do you simply lack a sense of humor?
You spelled out in detail what is helpful in a man’s behavior and character to find a good woman. Actually, these qualities are pretty much required for lasting personal happiness in general. We women do bring out the best in men!
I think “getting out there” is much, much harder for men than it is for women, and I applaud the ones willing to put themselves on the line and go for it. They will be so amply rewarded when they do. Take heart, guys, and go volunteer…
Belladonna, you couldn’t have ended this with a better video. A great line to put to a woman over 50, by the way, could be, “Who was your favorite Beatle, and why?” The ensuing conversation is guaranteed to take you lots of fun places.
As another old geezer, married to the same old geezarett for all these years, it’s important for men to remember to take good care of their wife so that she may out live you and spare the need to seek another mate. It was tough enough the first time around.
In case that doesn’t happen, a note from my sainted grandma, “men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears”. Learn the art of conversation.
BR
Even though I am a very happily married man, I read your this article with interest. I always enjoy your stuff and wanted to know how I was doing in the treating my wife well department
I did alright with some room for improvement; perhaps my wife is right about that after all.
Fred,
My wife has always said her mission in life is to make me a better man…
I can just see her standing at my grave saying; “If he’d have just lived another 6 months he would have been perfect”.
“If he’d have just lived another 6 months he would have been perfect”.
Brought a huge smile to my face … though I think it can work both ways.
I would add a caution to the advice about volunteering at a hospital if you hope to meet someone there. I gave that advice to a friend who was in his late 30′s. He did not first check out the various venues where he could do his volunteering. If he had he would have noticed that the customers in the “coffee shop’ at which he volunteered to work had an average age in the 80′s. The nurses all ate in the cafeteria downstairs.
Dear Belladonna,
What would be the minimal amount of time I would have to pretend to have integrity?
Don’t worry Keith, you only have to pretend until she sees through you. You’ll know when that is when she kicks you to the curb.
BINGO, Keith!
It would be a pose. If you have to think about being a man of integrity, you aren’t one. If you are altering your behavior to get a woman, you are NOT a man of integrity! If you are even going out of your way to “get a woman” you’re doing it wrong. Let her know who you are, find out who she is, and sure, be nice to each other. But don’t act like something you’re not and don’t make her think you love her when you’re merely interested. Women may like being fawned over in that one-sided way, but they’ll never respect a guy who does it all the time.
“Sincerity is the ultimate asset…
“Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made!”
(From a lapel button)
it’s looking like a pretty serious book. this is exciting!
anyway, even if you’re married and young- practice the saying nice things, so you get good at it. It takes practice. That iron constitution of the southern belle? where no unhoneyed words cross her lips? She’s not lobotomized- she’s disciplined. it takes practice. The fabled character of the southern gentleman? takes practice. you don’t even have to be southern.
if you’re gripey- you’re being judgmental- and you had best be very, very wise. otherwise, people are going to notice that you are not maimonides. or even justice breyer. you’re just cranky,and probably limited. you can say harsh things, but end, always end, with something- anything! positive. with practice, your positive will have more judgment and weight.
for example: “He’s an axe-murdering fool on the way to the gas chamber! Good riddance! But his mother always said he was a sweet baby with a good disposition.”
for example: ” My fool nephew just flunked calculus 2! He plays video games all day! He’s really getting good at something he’s dedicated to.”
See? that nephew will realize he does have some self- discipline, and some interest in an industry- and end up a programmer working 19 hour days at EASports. And you’ll get credit for believing in him.
It takes practice. it’s not just walking around proclaiming ” My grandson is the greatest!” Remember Bania on Seinfeld?- even the actor said he was an annoying character. If you say something is the greatest, without any observed, concrete evidence, people will roll their eyes, and turn away from you, and start having a conversation with someone with sense.
People want to know that you are saying good things about them when their back is turned. this even applies to commenting on celebrities on magazine covers at the checkout line at the grocery store. Even if it’s ” she’s so pretty!” People are tense, most of the time, expecting a random, vicious blow from our 24/7 intense culture. Even something small- she’s so pretty- they stop, breath in deep,and their shoulders go lower, and they visibly relax.
so, practice the positive! It’ll make your head an easier place to be, as well! When you get alzheimers- you’ll have only practice remembering good stuff! It’s all that will stick!
Great stuff Belladonna. With respect to your comments about saying something nice to a woman. While that is easy with friends and family, I spend most of my time at work and I find it next to impossible to conceive of saying something nice about a woman’s appearance or dress at work. These days it just seems verboten, but maybe I’m over thinking it.
Kevin, I’m glad you asked this question. I don’t think you’re “over-thinking” this at all. I think you’re thinking prudently. I agree with you 1,000% about not commenting on women co-workers’ appearance. Many years ago, it was OK. Today, it is a real mistake that can get a man into trouble. The sexual harassment laws, as well as many companies’ policies on this are so stringent and, at worst, can come down to “she said, he said,” that if I were a man working with women in any of the 50 states, and a female co-worker came to work with a great new hair-do, new outfit and was looking far better than ever, I would say exactly zilch. No comment. It’s sad, but that’s what these laws and policies have brought about.
Romantic relationships at work are popular in movies and on TV because they lend themselves to interesting plots.
In real life, though, no one would seriously recommend a workplace romance. I certainly don’t.
Try joining hiking or biking groups, or a political campaign: do everyone you can not to stay home during your non-working hours. You have to work and to sleep but in between, try to find activities with people with similar interests. If your main interests are home-related, such as carpentry, maybe you could give a Saturday or Sunday seminar at Home Depot on “Basic Carpentry Skills Everyone Should Know.” I bet a lot of women would sign up for that. I have — and the majority of us who attended were women.
Thank you for asking about an important issue.
I always comment on a woman’s new hairstyle. I say it looks nice! Then I say, I’ve been married for 33 years, and I’ve learned the hard way, to always say, that looks nice, if you notice something different!
Wow. There are some good spots in this, but mostly it’s a disconnect from reality. These are the things women tell themselves and each other that they SHOULD want, but they don’t really want. This is a setup for a miserable failure of unmet, unrealistic feminine expectations and pretenses. Any guy who is like this to a woman is either acting and will eventually tire of it, or he should be spending his time with men.
The guy described here is a marshmallow, who will never stand up to the rigors of a relationship, or inspire any PASSION in a woman whatsoever. These are the “nice guys” that woman say they want and for whom they secretly lack any respect.
Rough, but most likely true.
Mike, “Nice guys they secretly despise”. Maybe they despise them because don’t really know what being nice is? I can’t speak for all women, but while I don’t despise nice men I despise men who try too hard to please and are too fast and loose with compliments. As you say, it lacks integrity. Nice isn’t just about opening doors and giving complements. I despise a man who compromises his own likes and dislikes just for my sake. I don’t enjoy feeling like I am dragging some guy to see a chick flick that he won’t enjoy. That’s not him being nice. That’s a doormat. Once a guy took me out for Chinese food and oddly enough he didn’t order anything to eat. Turns out he didn’t like Chinese. I offered to go cancel the food before it was too late but no, he insisted that it was fine. He wanted me to enjoy what I liked. I guess it didn’t occur to him that while I like Chinese it’s not such a delicacy that he was doing me some kind of favor. The purpose of going out is to enjoy ourselves. Together. How could I enjoy myself with a plate full of food in front of me while he had none and his belly was grumbling the whole time? Obviously he thought I was the kind of person who puts herself above others but since we’d just met he couldn’t possibly know what kind of person I was. In trying to be nice he made an unnecessary sacrifice and assumptions that were not nice at all.
There is nothing wrong with being nice and being a gentleman, but always be true to yourself and remember that there is such a thing as going overboard.
Mike may be right that some women do scorn men who listen carefully, act courteously, and interact honestly with them. So, guys, if that’s you, if you don’t listen and don’t really give a rat’s arse about women’s opinions, I say “Jump into that shallow end of the pool. I’m sure there are some women for you there. And be sure to pack some Viagra.” But, frankly, I think Belladonna is right to focus on other folks, on the men and women who have put away their college beer mugs and want to focus on deeper, more satisfying relationships. On that target, I think she hit a bull’s eye.
Mike, my sympathies to you and any woman unfortunate enough to know you, much less go out with you. When you write
“The guy described here is a marshmallow, who will never stand up to the rigors of a relationship, or inspire any PASSION in a woman whatsoever. These are the “nice guys” that woman say they want and for whom they secretly lack any respect.”
you happen to be talking about my husband, a highly successful neurosurgeon and the most decent, patient, kind man a woman could ever want. I have the deepest respect for him, as do his patients, his children and the staff of the hospital where he performs life-saving work. And he’s fantastic in bed. The best. With no help from Viagra.
He has inspired my love and my deepest passions since the year we met, more than 35 years ago.
You sound like the unelected president of Schmucks Anonymous. I think you need to attend a few more meetings and get rid of your hostility toward men of integrity who turn women on in droves, unlike the pricks who may be good for a one-night-stand but sure don’t finish the course. You’re the guys who finish last, not the decent guys you think are marshmallows. They’re hard as a rock where they need to be, and have the guts, integrity, courage, empathy, kindness and everything else it takes to keep a woman ecstatic in bed and respectful out of bed for a lifetime.
Get a life. You’re the marshmallow here, pal. Hope your doctor has prescribed the little blue pills for you, because I can’t see any woman bothering to help you get it up.
Dear Mike: Please rest assured knowing that, so many of the thinking part of humanity as may stumble across your opinion, will accord it the full measure of consideration which it appears to merit, . . .
I noticed the article writer specifically listed what a “serious woman” wants. Serious women seem calculating, passionless, and hypocritical based on the list of desires listed here.
Mike’s nailed it though. Women want men who haven’t been emasculated by the feminist movement of the past fifty years. The irony of it all is that women have created a society where it’s inappropriate for them to express what they truly want in their relationships with the opposite sex.
This article and its partner do not go far enough in condemning adultery. They do well, yes, by warning about the emotional risks, but people also need to know that adultery is a death trap, and many have died at the hands of a jealous spouse. Anyone who is married to someone else is off limits because it makes you an interloper, and woe to the person who pursues a romance with someone who is already married. Woe, too, to the betrayer, who forsakes his/her vows. And as a final warning, anyone who promises to leave a spouse for you should be regarded as a traitor and fled from. After all, anyone willing to cheat with you will be willing to cheat on you.
All points well taken. I can’t and don’t disagree with a word you’ve written. I will note, however, than in last week’s column, I did write this:
“A married man is, by definition, a liar and a cheat. To whom is he lying and whom is he cheating? That would be the woman he promised ‘to love and to cherish till death do us part.’ “
You could run the gauntlet that has been laid before you, or you could look outside the materialized world of the United States of America and find your wife in a country that still has socially conservative values, such as Marriage is for Life, not just a temporary living arrangement designed to allow a woman to wrap her hands around your future labor. In a country where women understand the reason why marriage is more about the children than about themselves. In a country where hard work is the standard way of life.
Yes, there are dangers in looking outside the USA, some women are just looking for a green card and citizenship. That is up to you as a morally good man to decipher each perspective woman you meet to learn what her true motivations are. Then again, those dangers are much lower than those posed by American women in the general.
Great article, but you forgot one thing – stay fit, look after your health!
While you may fall in love with the nurse who helps you through your heart attack, in general being ill gives you a low libido and little energy for anything let alone socialising and dating.
Right on, Jill! Thanks for a great comment.
I agree with you, Jill.
Gentlemen, please maintain a healthy weight, just as you would like us to do. We women use our eyes in finding love, just like you. We are not purely cerebral beings! A woman who isn’t concerned at *all* with physical attraction might not have the strongest libido once you are in a relationship.
I’m not talking about looking decades younger than you are, or anything equally unrealistic. I’m simply talking about maintaining a healthy, age-appropriate physique. Remember BR’s advice to women? It is equally true for men:
“Rule 3: That brings up your appearance in general. It’s important. It’s not the only thing that matters, but to pretend it doesn’t matter at all is like living on an absolutely charming but different planet… Lose unneeded pounds. Even if you never meet the man of your dreams, you’ll live a healthier life and be freer of all manner of illnesses from arthritis to diabetes to heart disease to high blood pressure — to name but a few conditions where extra weight doesn’t help. There is no condition where being overweight is an advantage, except being a Sumo wrestler. Then it’s invaluable.”
Wow, what a scold.
Wow, Darcy, you sound just like the kid who fails a test in school and then blames the teacher. Funny how the kids who passed enjoyed this blog.
Can’t help but think your comment says far more about you than about Bella.
What I find most irritating about this article is that it entertains the notion of adultery.
“In sum, I see no advantages to your being with a married woman. None.”
This reads as if there are no advantages, with emotional turmoil spelled out in the preceding paragraph. This does not come across very strong. Marriage is a CONTRACT both within religions and within a state. Violation of some contracts land people in jail, and while the US court systems ‘punishment’ of adultery is non-existant, adultery is still an offense against soceity.
While Belladona writes that she opposes it, and that it can’t work, it needs to be spelled out in the clearest terms – ‘NEVER DO IT’, not ‘No advantages’.
Both in this column and her last one, Belladonna has made crystal clear that she doesn’t advise people to commit adultery.
The fact that she fails to urge the stoning of all adulterers only suggests that she isn’t a card-carrying member of the Taliban.
I must admit that I do have a deep fear of divorce attorneys.
while I’m thinking about it- this passion for an “adventurous woman” for twenty-something year old guys: the single most dangerous activity any woman that I know has done is agree to have children with a tall guy, and then take all her pre-natal vitamins. And then breastfeed. and maybe even all that other AP stuff that is supposed to guarantee a good outcome for the kid. So far, that has meant emergency surgery, reconstructive surgery, major abdominal reconstructions, seizures, re-bracing broken ribs, broken pelvises, cracked pelvises, comas from bleeding out……and I don’t even really know that many women. that’s just the delivery. if you do the breastfeeding thing- my husband is really proud that he went to NTC, and had two hours sleep at any moment for 30 days. I’ve had three kids. I’ve done three YEARS on two hours sleep at any moment. and it was worth it.
after all this- I nearly bow down before any sweet little adorable Mormon mom with her half-dozen kids. She’s crazier than a rapids- riding luge junkie.
I’m surprised you failed to mention cooking. Many women – young and old – really like men that know how to cook. I do not mean simply grilling a burger or steak, but something a little more creative (and healthy). This may be particularly true of a woman in her fifties or sixties who may very well have been responsible for all the cooking all the time for her husband (perhaps now deceased or divorced) and/or children (now grown). This 65 year old man should take cooking classes to meet women his age and perhaps – in time – offer to cook a meal for one. It doesn’t have to be perfect; she will be delighted that someone else has taken responsibility for planning, shopping and preparing the meal.
Great advice. Thank you for offering it, lmg29. So glad you did.
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