How to Make Obama Like Us
What did we do to make Obama hate us and want to destroy us?
September 30, 2011 - 12:00 am
Accept global warming. I think Obama is very disappointed in how anti-science we all are. We’re always analyzing and trying to understand things, which is the opposite of being pro-science. When scientists tell you something is true, you’re just supposed to repeat it with certainty even if you don’t understand it or it doesn’t make sense to you. Obama understands this, which is why he is very concerned about global warming and the problems it causes, such as excessive warmness. And he doesn’t question it because he knows it’s scientific fact since globes have been warmed in a lab. So we need to accept global warming, too. Again don’t worry about understanding it; just next time he proposes a bill to fight global warming, look all grateful and say, “Yay! This will help fight that… bad science stuff.” That will let Obama know we’re smart like him.
Stop worrying about math so much. People are always wondering why the budget doesn’t add up and why we’re spending more than we take in, and Obama obviously really doesn’t like us focusing on that. Maybe we thought we were helping him by pointing out that the math doesn’t work, but I don’t think he wants the math to work. I think he just doesn’t like math at all and isn’t willing to appease it. And if Obama hates math, we should hate it, too. It’s really inflexible — not a living thing like the Constitution. Maybe if we trust in Obama, he’ll come up with something better than math.
Keep fat kids away from him. A happy man needs a happy wife, and every day Michelle Obama looks out the White House window and gets enraged at how fat kids are. She just hates them so much and is probably always yelling at Obama to do something about them. And I’ll bet that just makes him angry at us. So we need to be extra careful to make sure he and Michelle are not exposed to fat children. Any time there is an event he is attending, have a big sign out front, saying, “Fat kids not allowed.” Especially make sure they never get near the White House. And if you hear the Obamas are coming through your neighborhood, make sure any fat kids are locked in the basement or something. Just give them a box of Twinkies; they’ll be fine.