The presidential electoral cycle is upon us. That means conventions. Conventions have platforms. I propose a platform that will make the world like us again. Just like they always did.
It may take 12 steps to get clean and sober, but only 6 to make the world realize just how super the U.S. can be.
1. We can start by helping the Arabs retake Andalusia. Having conquered it once, it belongs to them forever. This goes for most of the Balkans as well as Austria up to the gates of Vienna. All infidels should convert to Islam. This is inevitable as Islam means “submission.” Needless to say, we should all follow the code of Sharia. It’ll work wonders. No need to tie up the courts with gay marriage cases; we can just kill all the homosexuals. How much better will our soap operas be when the cheating wives get stoned to death?
What’s wrong with honor killings of women? Or keeping them uneducated or illiterate? Why can’t heroism be defined as hiding behind women and children while trying deliberately to kill women and children? Able-bodied men should be free to dance and march in the streets, burn flags, shoot guns into the air and contort their faces into grimaces fueled by impotent rage because they are victims (all 360 million of them, let alone their 1.2 billion co-religionists) of the 13 million Jews who run the world (see Chavez, Walt and Mearsheimer). Notwithstanding sitting on more than half of the world’s oil reserves and the massive wealth they have, it is only proper that the rest of the world be responsible for and pay for the Palestinians not given citizenship in Saudi Arabia, Lebanon and the 20 other Arab countries.
Not everyone should be made to feel they can contribute by becoming doctors, philosophers, teachers, artists, engineers, etc. What’s so wrong in educating your child to hate, and if you’re a real lucky parent, persuade him or her to kill themselves before they reach puberty? Parental pride takes different forms and we should not presume to judge. Because all cultures are good.
Now I know this will offend many in my own community. Hollywood, as we know, is very sensitive to the mistreatment of women, and women’s rights, first amendment protections, separation of church and state and the usual menu of American values like diversity, pluralism, dissent, free press, unfettered artistic expression and all the other BS we try to foist on the world. But what happens in America should stay in America. If filmmakers are killed in Holland, let the Dutch decide if it has a chilling effect on free and unfettered, robust debate. Cartoons that may be offensive should not appear in mainstream news outlets if they are deemed offensive by anybody, not simply the people we’re afraid of because they’ll kill our children and us. All the news that fits ideologically will be printed.
2. Let’s remove our troops and fleet from the Pacific. China is a great country-props to being able to control Google, even Bill Gates can’t do that-and what the hell are we doing in that part of the world anyway? I’m sure, without our meddling, China, the Korean Peninsula and Japan and Taiwan in addition to Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore as well as Indochina (forgive the nostalgia) will finally be able to get over centuries of enmity. Also let’s face it – Tibetan culture couldn’t have been so great if it’s that easily annihilated while the International Community, excuse me, the family of nations, didn’t notice in their stampede to joint ventures in the Shanghai rush. Isn’t it our fault Dear Leader is investing in rockets instead of feeding his people? Let them all re-arm. Remember, more nukes are good nukes.
3. Disband NATO-the French never really liked it anyway. Didn’t their legendary WWII resistance leader, De Gaulle, fighting a rear guard action from London (he lost the one battle he engaged in) when he started yet another Republic, the 4th or 5th since the Reign of Terror (it’s hard to keep track), once pull out of NATO and called its force ‘crapp?’ I know France is back and Sarko is good, but protecting Europeans all these years was not a good idea. They are far more sophisticated than we will ever be and they know how society can be organized and we all can live the good life. They don’t need us to tell them how to deal with Persia and Putin.
Granted budgets will have to be adjusted. The Europeans will now be expected to pay for and provide for their own defense. No worries. Without the Soviet Union to worry about they don’t need anyone to protect them and, as Chirac had noted, if anyone attacks France, France will respond with nuclear weapons. Proportionally, of course. And with U.N approval. I’m sure the Myanmar junta will approve.
4. South America and Mexico and Canada are easy. Open our borders. Green cards are so ’87. And whatever Hugo says, goes. He seems to have a grip on things
5. We should not act unilaterally in Africa. Africa is not our responsibility (its Bono’s). We should leave it to the international community, with its many indispensable nations, Russia, China, the EU and Principe and San Tome to take the lead. With the able assistance of the Great African Leaders of Sudan, Chad, Somalia and Zimbabwe, Kofi Annan who was head of peacekeeping for the U.N. during the genocides in Rwanda and Srebrenica, and as Secretary General, presided over the massacres in Darfur can help his former colleagues work it out. Kofi might want to think of starting a new international organization with a different organizing principle that that of the League of Nations or the anachronistic 20th century vehicle he headed. Maybe a body with rules for membership that might include treating their own people with a modicum of decency. Just because you grab power and plant a flag it doesn’t get you into our new organization.
6. We need to speak with Persia. If they want nukes and their neighbors want nukes, who are we to say it’s a bad idea? Appoint Sen. Larry Craig our Ambassador.
Let Larry and Mahmoud discuss how the international community can liquidate the state of Israel. No Israel, no more problems. Not only the region and the world, but our university campuses will return to their pre-Israelite calm.
The world will shine all the brighter when it’s unburdened by American arrogance and banality. Let’s return to our roots. Good ole’ American isolationism. America, first, now and forever. Return our fleets in the Pacific and Persian Gulf to our shores. Get our troops out of Korea, Germany, the Emirates, wherever. There’s plenty to do here at home. Leave nation building to the Europeans who worked wonders and did their thing in the 20th century. Our beloved land will once again bask in the world’s approval. George McGovern lives, ‘Come Home America.’ To paraphrase the immortal words of one of my fellow artists, we can hold hands, open a Coke and say, “They like us, they really like us.”
From 1991 to 2000, Ron Silver served as president of the Actor’s Equity Association. He is now a member of the Council on Foreign Relations.