How To Avoid Adultery When Temptation Is Looking You in the Eye
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
I’m writing for help with adultery, which I haven’t committed yet. I’ve spent hours discussing Exodus 20:14 with my clergyman. Even so, I’m still tempted.
I’m a highly sexed woman married to a man with a lower sex drive than mine. I had a series of painful affairs with highly-sexed hunks who loved me and left me in my twenties. After a decade of several of them, I was blessed to marry a great husband in every way but one: he can’t have traditional sex with me any more. I don’t want to be unfaithful. I have a high-level job in the federal government, where I’ve worked hard for half my life, 25 of my 50 years. Among my responsibilities is to mentor a subordinate of mine, a 25-year-old married man. He wants me to become his lover. I’m sorely tempted. We travel a great deal together for work without our spouses so the possibility is always looking me in the eye.
My 15-year marriage has blessed me with two wonderful children, as well as every satisfaction and joy I could hope for, except one. My husband has seen many physicians and the problem appears to be permanent and unresponsive to the major medications known for the dysfunction he suffers. Having tried many, I’m not comfortable using electronic devices or watching porn. Rather than stimulate me, all that turns me off.
My young subordinate at work oozes sex, is funny, perceptive and tells me he desires me more than any woman in his life. He pays enormous attention to me, which is hard to ignore. I know our co-workers have picked up the vibes between us. It’s hard for me to accept that I have to give up sex at 50, especially since I’m fit and look 40. I want to do right by my husband, but I’m not made of stone. I feel lust for this young guy 24/7. It’s agony. My guilt over my lust is also with me 24/7, and that, too, is agony. What should I do? What can I do?
Worried and Willing in Washington, D.C.
Dear Worried and Willing:
Let’s start with your guilt and then move to the other components of the ball of wax that seems to be melting all over you. Your situation can be easily understood as long as you’re not in the middle of it — which you are.
DON’T FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING HUMAN YEARNINGS
You have no reason to feel guilty for being human and having human yearnings. If you’re fit and 50 and your husband can no longer engage in traditional sex, and your 25-year-old subordinate who “oozes sex” is eager to become your lover, of course you’re going to be filled with desire. He could even be older than you: it’s not the age of the seducer that counts, it’s his sexual energy. As Mae West liked to say, “It’s not the men in your life that matters, it’s the life in your men.”
THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, “FRATERNIZATION” BETWEEN MARRIED COLLEAGUES, ONE OF WHOM IS THE OTHER’S SUBORDINATE, IS NOT A CAREER-ENHANCING MOVE FOR EITHER PARTY
It’s understandable that, in the throes of sexual yearning and guilt, this major factoid may have slipped your mind: I doubt your proposed affair would be consistent with your federal agency’s regulations. If you’re a fit 50 who looks 40, and co-workers have noticed the vibes, I suggest using the authority vested in you by Uncle Sam to order a transfer for your mentee to a different department, a different supervisor and a different mentor. The situation as it now stands adds up to trouble with a capital “T.”
I know this suggestion will sound harsh and even cruel, but arranging for him to transfer from your department is essential. As long as you see him every day and travel with him, you’re making life far too difficult and stressful for yourself and you’re risking everything for a man you do not know deeply — and I hope you never will.
You can arrange his departure without casting aspersions on his service, but the fact that you’re ordering his transfer may teach him a much-needed lesson about the wisdom of propositioning his supervisors in the future.
You’ve worked half your lifetime to get where you are today. Don’t throw away your marriage, your access to your children and your career. That seems like a lot to lose for one sexy 25-year-old — and I don’t say this because I’ve never encountered a sexy 25-year-old. Complete the paperwork to arrange his transfer to a distant field office, preferably on a continent you never visit — Antarctica would be just the place — and then read on.
HOW YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE
You were fortunate indeed to land in your husband’s arms after spending your twenties with highly-sexed chick magnets who seduced you and left you as road kill when they tired of their joy rides with you. This is the classic M.O. of highly-sexed seducers. They reel in their women with the bait of their “oozing sex,” as you called it. When they leave — as they always do — you end up alone, sobbing at 3 in the morning, the tears streaming down your cheeks, as you listen to Leonard Cohen singing “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye.” The silent treatment is their method of choice when it comes to bidding you farewell. That’s a chick magnet for you: all the empathy of a marble.
They think nothing of breaking the hearts and wounding the psyches of the women they seduce and abandon. Why do they do this? Because they can. The first rule of the human jungle is this: the more highly-sexed the man, the more selfish, narcissistic, inconsiderate and uncaring he can afford to be.
It’s the law of supply and demand. Men for whom there’s an endless supply of women never have to learn to be as careful and considerate of their prey as men in lower demand, who’ll husband their scarce resources with far greater care.
SOME PEOPLE REMEMBER PLEASURE MORE CLEARLY THAN PAIN
It’s possible that your 15 years of happy marriage to a good man may have clouded your memory of how brutal chick magnets are. At the moment, you’re living in anticipation of the pleasure you do remember. But ask yourself whether you can tolerate the intensity of pain that will follow whatever ecstasy you envision. Even if neither you nor your subordinate were married — which you are — the anguish you’ll feel when he abandons you — which he will — is guaranteed to be excruciating.
INTRODUCING PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1:
MR. CHARISMA T. ORGASM
One of the greatest novels of all time is Henry James’ A Portrait of a Lady. To summarize the 672 pages of dense Jamesian prose, the 1881 masterpiece portrays the choice that every intelligent, highly-sexed, sentient woman must make: whether to marry Mr. Charisma T. Orgasm or marry Mr. Dependability A. Kindheart. The reader can easily foresee the train wreck ahead, even as the novel’s heroine, Isabel Archer, is blinded by a Hillary Rodham-like sense that her life will be most exciting with Mr. Orgasm. Exciting, yes. Stable? Hardly.
THE DILEMMA OF THE HIGHLY-SEXED, EMOTIONALLY ASTUTE WOMAN
When it comes to the choice of a husband, a woman with a high sex drive and high emotional intelligence faces a Hobson’s choice: she’s in a lose-lose situation.
If she chooses to marry a highly-sexed chick magnet whose sex drive will match her own, she’ll find herself with a husband who’s missing in action much of the time because he’s either being pursued by other women, or he’s pursuing them. When he’s home, she’ll be in seventh heaven, except for the time it’ll take him to catch up on the sleep he lost on the road. When he’s away, she often can’t reach him, as her calls to his cell phone go directly to voicemail while he satisfies one woman after another, and, of course, Numero Uno, first and foremost. Every “relationship” is all about him.
If she marries Mr. Dependability Kindheart, she can have a fine marriage and a wonderful, loving family, but she’s fated to endure an inchoate yearning for the rest of her days. It may become submerged and remain amorphous for years, even decades, as she diligently raises her children, is a loving wife to her husband, and often cares for others, as well.
But the day will dawn when Mr. Charisma T. Orgasm will walk into her life. The “T,” by the way, stands for Trouble — his middle name. He could be a former lover from her youth showing up out of the blue — as they’re wont to do — or a co-worker, a mentee, or any man from anywhere. However he appears, he’s here now, and when he focuses his gaze on you, you melt. He possesses a keen pheromone-based radar system that picks up on sex-starved married women and turns their inchoate yearnings into a specific desire for a specific man: Charisma T. Orgasm, himself.
HOW YOU’LL RECOGNIZE MR. CHARISMA T. ORGASM
He’s tenacious, highly focused on you, his prey, charming, quick-witted, but most of all, he’s got your number.
He hones in on you like a heat-seeking missile. That’s because he is a heat-seeking missile and the heat he’s seeking is between a married woman’s legs.
And so it is that a highly motivated, conscientious wife, mother and professional woman who’s worked half her lifetime to achieve a position of responsibility and respect is suddenly transformed into a 14-year-old with a crush on the captain of the football team.
WHY EMOTIONALLY DISCERNING WOMEN DON’T MARRY CHICK MAGNETS
Here we come to the central question in the lives of the highly sexual, emotionally intelligent woman. Should she marry Mr. Orgasm — knowing full well that if she does, she’ll likely be sharing him with countless nameless women (not literally nameless — they all have names, of course — she just won’t know what they are) who’ll come onto him or onto whom he’ll come?
Or should she marry the less charismatic, less sexually-charged man and have a good, steady marriage to a man who’ll be there for her and their children every day and every night, but who never could be (even when young) and who never will be a chick magnet?
If she wants a life of dependability and stability, and if she doesn’t want to share her husband with dozens or hundreds of other (potentially STD-infected) women during her marriage, she chooses exactly as you did, as any sane woman who wants a sane adulthood would and does.
The problem arises when an erotic snake like young Mr. Orgasm slithers into your life and, by his very presence, plus his skillful, manipulative playing on your weaknesses, reminds you of what you’ve been missing.
WHEN A PLAINTIVE SUITOR TURNS INTO A SUITED PLAINTIFF
One day, about six months from now — if you were to give in to your yearnings – you’ll have to tell your young lover that you must stay home with your husband and children one Sunday afternoon instead of going to your tryst with him. Within 24 hour after you’ve spurned him, Mr. Orgasm can change from the charmingly panting young lover to the scorned and humiliated former lover, sitting in the general counsel’s office signing an affidavit, claiming that you seduced and sexually harassed him.
Of course, there’ll be no merit to his complaint, but after you’ve paid your lawyer half your savings to clear your good name, you’ll have lost far too much that you’ll never be able to recover.
THE DESIRE FOR ONE LAST MOMENT OF SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS
I well understand your desire for one last hurrah before you go from a fit 50 who looks 40 to a fit 70 who looks 60.
Of course you want another Charisma T. Orgasm before the sun sets — as set it will — on your days of splendor in the grass.
I don’t aspire to be a wet blanket or a killjoy, but when I see a hardworking woman, a loving wife and mother, driving 120 mph and heading straight to Heartbreak Hotel, I have an obligation to urge her to apply her right foot to the brakes as hard as she possibly can. Then go home. Read Anna Karenina.
If you don’t have time for a magnificent 976-page Russian novel, (free download) see the 94-minute film (but only the version with Greta Garbo), also a powerful experience. Either way, you’ll come away with a renewed sense of gratitude for your husband and children.
You’ll always have a tug in your heart and a hot, wet, throbbing desire for your young mentee, and for all the men just like him in the decades ahead who’ll do their best – and their best will be mighty powerful – to lure you into bed with them.
Look in the mirror and practice saying, “I’m married and you’re married. If we weren’t, everything might be different, but we are and it isn’t.” Repeat it over and over until it’s ready to be deployed whenever this and future Mr. Orgasms give you their patented come-hither looks that have worked with hundreds of women before you, and will work with hundreds of women after you.
Then watch Anna Karenina again and again and again until you get the message: no good will come of this. It isn’t worth the fleeting pleasure for a lifetime of regret. It isn’t. If you’re filled with feelings of guilt now, you’ll be drowning in oceans of it as long as you live if you go forward with this affair, or any others during your marriage.
USE THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE BLIMP SHOT
Use the method that networks use to cover NFL games: the blimp shot. From up in the blimp, every Mr. Orgasm looks like an ant. Picture him as an ant. A fire ant, who will ruin your house. He’s an ant! He’ll provide a night of pleasure in exchange for a lifetime reservation at Heartbreak Hotel. You don’t want to live there.
As a highly-sexed woman, it’s your ineluctable fate to be both pursued by and drawn to these feckless, reckless men. I wish I could say it isn’t, but it is. Your duty to yourself – even more than to your husband, children and profession — is to remind yourself that the middle name of every one of these tempting, silver-tongued seducers is Trouble.
YOU ARE MORE THAN THE SUM OF YOUR EROGENOUS ZONES
Think back to those hunks of your 20s: the stress, the constant disrespect, and the insults you withstood when dealing with the Mr. Orgasms of the world. They forced you off the road. They are nasty pieces of work once you get to know them, so you drove off, bloodied but unbowed, and married a fine human being and not one of those wily wolves that prey on every highly-sexed woman they can sniff.
Let them sniff someone else. You’ll find that every one of them carries a double-edged sword, a sword that wounds you deeply in your heart and soul even as it arouses your erogenous zones. Remember this: you are more than the sum of your erogenous zones. You have other zones that Mr. Orgasm will damage, and on which he’ll wreak havoc with his own patented genius for conferring pain irresponsibly while feeling none himself.
If this description of Charisma T. Orgasm doesn’t reduce your desire for your young mentee, perhaps a few lines — 14 to be exact, since it’s a sonnet — by William Shakespeare may help. Emphasis is added for, well, emphasis:
SONNET 129
The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
Enjoy’d no sooner but despised straight,
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallow’d bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad;
Mad in pursuit and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.
IF TALKS WITH YOUR CLERGYMAN, PLUS READING WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, HENRY JAMES, LEO TOLSTOY & THIS ADVICE COLUMN DON’T WORK, HERE’S HOW TO FIND A GOOD THERAPIST
If, after talking with your clergyman, arranging a transfer for your youthful pursuer, reading A Portrait of a Lady, Anna Karenina, Shakespeare’s Sonnet 129 and thinking about this column, you feel the need to discuss the strain of living with a man you love with whom you can no longer enjoy traditional sexual intercourse, go here to find yourself a therapist.
If at first you feel uncomfortable, try another. It may take meeting with five or six before you find a therapist with whom you’re on the same wavelength. One session is usually enough for you to tell if you can work together. It isn’t that there are “rotten apples” in the field of psychotherapy: there are thousands of excellent apples with whom you can still be incompatible. Psychotherapy involves working closely as a team with another human being. If you don’t like your fellow team member, return to that website and find someone else. Keep trying until you find someone with whom you can spend between a few months and a few years. However long it takes, it’s worth it, regardless of what others say who’ve had bad luck and gave up after two or three unsatisfactory meetings.
Carly Simon finally concluded that she didn’t “have time for the pain.” You, too, would weary of the cruel, heartless narcissism of this and every other Mr. Charisma T. Orgasm, no matter how gorgeously appealing he is right this second.
To paraphrase Barry Goldwater’s campaign slogan of 1964, in your heart, you know I’m right.
If you don’t, watch Anna Karenina again, take two aspirin and email me in the morning.
–Belladonna Rogers
Send your questions about personal, political or cultural matters, or anything else that’s on your mind to Belladonna Rogers at advice@pjmedia.com . All correspondence with her is confidential, and all names, locations, places of employment and ages of the parties will be changed to protect the privacy of the readers who write to contribute questions.
if this article doesn’t save this woman, nothing will. Excellent advice. Not that it needs one more point, but Belladonna was kind not to point out to her she’s just an ordinary garden-variety middle-aged person looking in the mirror having a “mid-life” crisis that has everything to do with the increasing wrinkles under her eyes and little to do with being “highly sexed”. That’s why the porn and sex toys don’t work. It’s not about the sex.
This woman is standing on a mile-high cliff with one foot over the edge and the other on a banana peel, jumping up and down and screaming “look at me”. For some crazy reason, she thinks that WHEN she falls, it won’t kill her.
Thank you, Becky.
NOTE TO READERS WHO WISH TO POST COMMENTS: The woman who wrote to me is a real human being with feelings, as is her husband. She wrote for advice because she felt she needed it. She is acutely aware of how perilous her situation is. She and her husband will read not only the advice column, but also your comments. Please refrain from making fun of either of them. To do so will only hurt them and will greatly discourage others from writing for advice, knowing that readers will use them as target practice.
People with happy lives and no major problems facing them do not write to confide in advice columnists. If you are lucky enough to be happily married, or otherwise living in contentment and satisfied with your lot in life, you might consider the option of thanking G*d for the blessings you enjoy and not refer to either this advice-seeker or her very ill husband, for whom she is the sole bread-winner, in derogatory terms.
You may have thought that this problem and these people are figments of my imagination. Think again. On the contrary: they are made of flesh and blood and are suffering through this vale of tears as best they can, with the help of their clergyman, their family and friends.
Try to imagine if you had a serious problem and wrote to me asking me to address your excruciatingly painful situation in a public forum. Would you want to be showered with nasty epithets? I didn’t think so. Please try to observe the Golden Rule and understand that the people who write asking for advice are alive and literate and do not deserve the insults that have been removed this morning by PJM’s spam filter.
PJM’s commenting rule forbidding “ad hominem” comments includes comments made about other comment-writers and it also includes comments made about the people courageous enough and troubled enough to write to me for advice. Please try to put yourself in their shoes and do not treat this forum as an elementary school playground.
Bullying doesn’t speak well for the bullies, as some of you may recall from third grade.
Thank you for reading the column and taking the time to respond in the comments section.
Becky – I must disagree with your conclusions on all counts. I’m 55 now and at 50 I was considered a “cougar” in Los Angeles and at 52 was designated as a MILF by a friend’s 21 year old son. And when I got to DC – well the competition was not as strong, and I got even more atention – though it was – like the city – much more reserved. Since I’ve been 50 I’ve had men from 25-70 interested in me. And, for the record, the most I have done to “alter” my looks is color my hair – I’ve never had any sort of plastic surgery, botox, peels, nada. So yes, this woman probably is great looking and not a woman who is an “ordinary garden-variety middle-aged person looking in the mirror having a “mid-life” crisis that has everything to do with the increasing wrinkles under her eyes.” I was very much aware of all my flaws and had trouble understanding where all the attention was coming from, but it was there and not a figment of my menopausal imagination.
On your other point, yes, even in our fifties it can still be all about the sex for a woman. I’ve known and loved the oversexed charmers – and believe me, their charms a very real! And, like our protagonist, I was married and totally committed to the sexually boring man. There is a huge difference in these wildly different types of men – much like the difference between chicken soup and a delictable dessert. What we have to realize is that while the desserts are hard to resist, when we are committed to another we must decline. The long term effects of a charmer, like those scrumptious desserts, are devastating to our emotional, physical and material well-being, not to mention the well-being of those we love. As hard as it can be when faced with a tantalizing, if momentary alternative – commitment must be just that.
Becky
Dont 100% agree, my wife of 22 years was so ill in 04 we had no sex for 1.5 years, while on a job in another state, met a friends older sister, my age & we shacked up for 6 weeks- it was all about the sex, i left and it ended both of us satisified with no guilt- only 3 or 4 mamales in the world are faithful for life- it happens
Hey, I could be wrong, but I still maintain it is not about the sex, and I’ll tell you why.
This woman is painting herself as a victim, but I don’t see a victim, I see an opportunist. For many years, she played a opportunistic game that allowed her to bed hot, good looking men who made her feel like she was better than, hotter than and more special than the average girl. But the fact she had to face was that it was a farce, as she could only land them in bed – not in a committed relationship.
So, being a wise woman, she was smart enough to choose well and found what sounds like a wonderful mate, an equal. I’m happy for her and her husband.
But as I read her plight, it just seems to me she is more interested in reclaiming the feeling that she’s not just an average girl, and especially not one of those fat wrinkled girls turning fifty – than it is about meeting her “highly sexed needs. Rather, I think that she sees a chance, an opportunity that she just might be able to have both… a committed relationship AND the hunky boys who make her feel like she’s no ordinary housewife.
Define “highly sexed”. She does not really seem to be seeking ways she can work with her husband to meet her physical needs. She instantly dismissed any means he could satisfy her as inadequate. And if she is so “highly sexed” why the coworking disaster looking for a raise rather than a discreet neighbor or friend? No, that’s the tip off that this is all about “look at me” and not physical needs.
She wants it all and her husband has provided her with a loop hole that she thinks entitles her to crawl through. I don’t think she wants advice on how to resist temptation, I think she looking for someone to tell her that her actions are justified because of her husbands illness.
You didn’t bother to read the question but you just want to jump in with calling the questioner “opportunistic.” She had those experiences as a young woman in her private life. They didn’t help her career at all. You then decide that she’s a housewife and would be better off finding a discreet neighbor. You don’t know a thing about being a high level official in the federal government, which is what the questioner is. You call her a housewife who wants to rise above her dreary life. At high levels of the gov’t you go to work at 5 or 6 in the morning and get home after midnight. This goes on for decades. That’s how at 50 she has to travel with this young guy who wants to get in her pants. If she wanted a pass to do this, she wouldn’t have written to Belladonna. She would have written to Cosmo magazine or some magazine or website where anything goes. She got what she wanted from Ms. Rogers: reasons to step away from the precipice and stay faithful to the husband she loves and not throw away a serious career she’s devoted half her life to, in service to the rest of us. She didn’t start her career with Barack Obama. She started 25 years ago, when Ronald Reagan was in the White House. She didn’t get where she is today by being an opportunist. She got there through 25 years of hard work. She was tempted by this kid and got the advice she wanted: step away from the kid and don’t allow yourself, your marriage, your family or your career to be waylaid.
I guess you missed the action in high school, college and your 20s so you see any woman who had some experiences then as opportunistic instead of average. That’s what young women did, and still do.
I can sure see why you posted as Anonymous.
the post was only anonymous as I forgot to enter my information. I was the first poster, thought about it and hen futher expanded on my thoughts.
You really need to take a breath and go back and read my post, as the accusations you have hurled at me show that you didn’t even come close to grasping the point I was making.
I realize it was her youth – and my point remains true. It is opportunistic because she’s getting a high from the attention from “hotter” guys than she would have normally gotten. How do I know that? Because from her own admission, they loved her and left her. If she was just about the sex at that age, it would not have been that hard to find a compatible companion. She’s presenting it as if it is all because she is highly sexed, but I’m suggesting, perhaps rightly, perhaps wrongly, that it wasn’t all about the sex then and it isn’t about all the sex now.
It’s just my opinion. Why the big upset? It’s pretty self explanatory, from her own words, that she was opportunistic about her mates prior to her marriage. I wasn’t passing any judgement on her desire for sex, I was passing it on her choice of possibly using sex to get better looking guys – not on using better looking guys to get the sex. It may not be true, but it’s not such a stretch to make that assumption given the facts presented.
As for the pastor, the letter writing – you may be right. She may well be trying to resist temptation. But there are two points that tip off why I believe this just what she is telling herself, but isn’t really the driving factor. She instantly dismisses the ways her husband can satisfy her. Look, if I love chocolate, I’m not going to argue about how it is wrapped. Note from the comments how many people agree she gave up too quickly here.
Is it about sexual needs or isn’t it? You make a good point that the temptation to fail is much greater when traveling with hunky boy. You are right about that. But I just call it as I see it and it seems to me that she is smart enough to realize, without asking a pastor or bella donna (who gave excellent advice) and everyone else to tell her not to travel with him anymore. She is too close to see what her driving forces are. From what I’m reading, I think it is highly possible that she is really hoping, beyond hope, that someone will tell her it’s okay due to her “needs” and her husbands illness.
For the record, I said below, that if my take on this is right, I don’t think she will cheat. She was smart before and she’s still smart enough now to see the big picture and I don’t think she will fail.
If I was harsh, so be it. I was honest and I have a good point. Maybe one she should consider. I don’t know her, I don’t care about her sins. She asked for advice I called it as I saw it. I wish her happiness.
It seems that behind the advice is the assumption that there’s a likelihood her of getting caught, getting hurt, hurting or some other bad consequence happening to her, the husband or the 25 year old. If this were not the case, if the 50 year old excitement craver was perfectly in control and was going to get away with it what would your advice be?
Someone had to ask that question. Thank you!
The solution, if you’re unconcerned about your prospects in the afterlife and believe that your marriage can withstand an outside involvement, is obeying the Prime Directive of Adultery:
EQUAL RISK!
– If you’re married, he must be married as well.
– If you have a middle-class income and existence, then so must he.
– If you have children, he must have children — preferably the same number and about the same ages.
– If you must travel a considerable distance to your trysts, then he should have to do the same.
…and so on. Adultery’s potential consequences for the two of you should be well matched. Any kind of asymmetry represents both a source of stress on the affair and a potential lever for one of you to use against the other.
Never, ever assume that something that begins with wine and roses can’t possibly devolve to pistols at dawn. Always equalize the risks!
(This is not an endorsement of adultery, which remains forbidden by the Sixth Commandment and is still against the law in many jurisdictions. Neither is it an offer to commit adultery, which can only be done by formal prospectus. Adultery’s risks include legal, spiritual, physiological, and emotional consequences, not all of which are completely understood. Side effects include incresed expenses on clothes, shoes, and perfume, frequent trips to the salon, aggressive dieting, cosmetic surgery, and excessive gazing into the mirror. Past performance is no guarantee of future performance. No spouses were harmed in the making of this feature. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.)
Your disclaimer is superb. The thought of a formal prospectus boggles the mind. (Well, my mind anyway, which may be more easily boggled than others.)
Cheers!
“Any kind of asymmetry represents both a source of stress on the affair and a potential lever for one of you to use against the other.”
Wise comment, and one of the key reasons (I think) that giving into temptation in this case would be disastrous for “Worried and Willing.” In particular, there’s a vast asymmetry between his status at work and hers, which the young mentee could easily leverage into blackmail. And if W+W resisted his blackmail attempt, he could easily leverage it into a sexual harrassment lawsuit against both W+W and their employer.
It doesn’t matter a LICK that his lawsuit could be meritless, either. Simply going through discovery would be utter torture and profoundly humiliating for W+W and her husband. Does W+W REALLY want to have to answer the question under oath at her deposition: “How many times did you sleep with Mr. Hunk-a-dunk?” Does she REALLY want to have to choose between lying under oath, and saving her marriage? No one wants to face a choice like that.
I know what I’m talking about. I was General Counsel at a company that was sued under nearly exactly these circumstances. I saw the damage the lawsuit did to the individuals involved, their careers and their reputations. I’m pretty sure that if you asked them, they’d say the affair (or flirtation, depending on whom you believed) wasn’t worth it.
Take Belladonna’s advice.
I made a comment earlier about what would the advice be if you were never going to get caught. I suppose what I meant is that can their be ambivalence i.e. can adultery on some occasions be wrong and lead to disaster and on others be right and make everyone happier ?
Fred, those who know the future would have no need for advice. Dream on.
Dear Lady, Listen to Belladonna. One point she doesn’t mention is that your children WILL find out about your fling. They will eventually find out or figure it out. Dear Lady, if you wreck your marriage over Mr Catabout, you may never be forgiven by your children. If they are young, it may affect them their whole lives. They will remember that their mother played the whore and set horns over their father’s head. You may retain their love, but not their respect. Dear Lady, you’re a woman now, not a girl. Be the best you can be.
Good point. My ex-wife had a fling with a superior at work. The kids did find out, and that was much more devastating to her than me finding out.
While reading the woman’s letter, I was half-expecting Belladonna’s response to begin, “Dear Mrs. Clinton…”
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one!…Serious post to follow….)
Having been the married wife in a somewhat similar situation (husband with low sex drive, but terrific guy), all I can say is thank G-d I didn’t do the dirty. I certainly could have. I certainly wanted to. The married Lothario was the classic charmer and I was convinced that we had a unique bond, BUT in the end, I simply could not cheat on my husband. And honestly, I have never regretted that decision. What I do regret is that I entertained the idea that I could, filling journals about my junior high longings for a guy not really worthy of my time and energy.
Golly, he was a lovely specimen though.
JPL17:
Three reasons it couldn’t be Ms. Clinton:
1) The woman asserted she was still attractive. Even Ms. Clinton isn’t that deluded.
2) Her husband’s hydraulics are busted. Last we heard Bill wasn’t having an issue with that.
3) The person pursuing her is a male.
Following on Mr. Porreto’s advice, coupled with The Author: Certainly do NOT take this boy up on his offer. It will not end well, but if your hormones won’t settle down AND your husband won’t step up with a solution talk to him about alternatives. He knows your drive, and he may be willing to let you step out occasionally as long as you’re discreet (you travel, do it away from home) and don’t get into an affair. Your issues with your god are your own.
Also, just maybe his problems *aren’t* medical. Take that link to the shrinks and have him shop around with 5 or 6. Maybe it won’t help the core problem, but it might help him (and you) deal with it.
Good one, Will.O.B.! (Especially #3, which cracked me up.)
“a subordinate of mine, a 25-year-old married man, wants me to become his lover.”
Have you never heard the term “Sexual Harassment”? If you have an affair with your subordinate then he will own you. You’re not Bill Clinton, you can’t get away with humping your intern. If the affair is discovered then you’ll be fired, to prevent discovery you’ll agree to all sorts of career advancing blackmail for your young stud (But I thought he loved me!). Go ahead, ruin your career, we need to cut the Federal workforce anyway so why not make it easy for us.
Ask yourself this: If the 25-year-old subordinate is such a “hunk,” then why is he pursuing a 50-year-old who looks 40, when he could be pursuing successfully an 18-year-old who looks, well, 18? Any highly-sexed man will tell you that you’re being played, lady, and when he presents his bill, you’re going to experience personal and professional disasters.
Tomcat, are you aware of how sexist your comment is? I know women in their 50s and even 60s who are very sexy, and I know 18-23-year-olds who have totally let themselves go. I hope you’re not looking for love. If you are, your horizons are sadly limited. One day all you’ll be able to have, if you’re really lucky, are women in their 50s and 60s, and you’ll regret your narrow-mindedness of 2012. In many civilized countries, youg men are introduced into the art of love-making by an older woman chosen by the father. An older woman has a lot to teach and knows a heck of a lot more about life than a young woman. Open your mind and smell the roses. Or, if you don’t want to do that, don’t malign women who were born before 1962. You’re only showing your prejudice and ignorance. I feel sorry for you and for men like you. You have no idea what you’re missing.
Agreed on how sexist that comment is: I was 25 and waiting tables, in a holding pattern before grad school and had a wonderful passionate affair with a 41 year old single female coworker who was also making a career change. Why? I didn’t feel like pursuing the typical “working their way through the fifth year of community college-likes to party-not really that well-educated” females in my age group that are commonly found in that business. We were both educated and could discuss things beyond what time do we get off work and head to the bar next door.
Definitely stay away from this guy. Back when I was a young man, a colleague of mine had a saying about women over 40…
They don’t tell,
They don’t swell,
and they’re greatful as hell.
That always struck me as rather cruel and heartless.
Dear Worried and Willing: I assume you read your bible as you stated you and your clergyman have discussed exodus 20:14 many times. Please read 1 Cor 10:13, pray and decide that God’s way is the right way. Human wisdom can fail you. A good looking young preacher had a problem once with an overly “enthusiastic” single young parishioner and a lingering embrace from her on the way out at the door of the church after the sermon. He believed God, made a decision and prayed. God did make a way out. The preacher learned to hold his little girl in his arms when greeting this particular parishioner after the message. God made a way out. He will do this for you IF, and that’s a might big IF as my mom used to say, you want a way out. Maybe you don’t. You get to decide right now.
Stellar advice, Belladonna. I’d like to second the motion on the idea of sex therapy. This lady should be open with her husband about their situation with regard to sex. With some imagination, the two of them working on it together can figure out how to satisfy her sexual needs & she should have little trouble getting over her crush on this young stud. The sooner she gets him out of her department the better. Albeit she has not bedded down with this guy yet, one can safely bet that everyone else in the office assumes she is doing so. That is huge, as there is a potential for fallout from that. Remember, in life for the most part for most people, perception is 99% of the reality.
I’ve never understood comments that assume that the person with the problem is the exact same person as the commenter. Patrick, your blood pressure problem is obviously different from the husband in this difficulot situation. You really think everyone is excatly like you? PJ Media is lucky you’re not its advice columnist. Part of Ms. Rogers’ skill is seeing the problem from the perspectives of the people who write to her.
If this column had gone into every possible ramification, it would have been a booklet, not a blog. IMHO Belladonna covered the major reasons for W + W to avoid contact with this subordinate.
It’s a great column, one of Belladonna’s best, which is saying a lot.
99% of the advice here is spot on. Just watch out for the “put him in for a transfer” bit…if he doesn’t like it, he can file a sexual harassment complaint. Part of the definition is “submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individuals.” He can always allege he’s being “punished” because of those feelings everybody in the office seems to know the two share.
excellent advice, all around.
and really, you don’t want an affair for one very shallow reason- it slackens your face. It’ll age you within months. “Degenerate” is meant to be a precise description. It really is true- your face- the small muscles- will not hold as tight. The bags under your eyes? You don’t have any? You will.
It shows up in novels. Any reasonable 19th century novelist will talk about face physiognomies. Dickens does. I hate Dickens, so I can’t tell- but doctors say he’s a very close describer of physical events. I’m thinking of the cheesier romance novel writers. My grandmother had a splendid collection of third-rate novels of england- really, bulwer-lyttons, and that’s just the name I remember. I read the B-L’s. I thought they were exotically wonderful. It was really embarassing finding out I was supposed to look down on them, and that they’d been given to her as gifts of contempt. Anyway, the majors that you were forced to dentist through in school? Those talk about political hoo-ha. The cheesier, minor stuff? Talks about people- including faces. So I’m not the only one to notice.
Right now, if you have any wrinkles, or proto- wrinkles: they are probably around your eyes- sticking straight out to your hairline. That’s kind of the ??good, bad, ugly guy? dirty harry- he gives interviews talking about his eye-wrinkles. He says they are sort of like pleats, so he doesn’t look as old. Second, if you have lots of responsibilities, and not so much joy- you’ll have wrinkles from your nose to the outer corners of your lips. If you have responsibilities that are more overwhelming to your personality- you’re in over your head- from your lips to your jaw-line. I doubt you have those.
Yes, it has been fun watching Obama’s face age and hag out over the last three years. The campaign face was frankly scary, too. You could see the flex-line around his mouth- sort of an octopus look- it’s the look….when someone thinks they deserve to be taken care of. And eye wrinkles that aren’t—
anyway- you like your face, you’d like to keep it.
Second: this guy wants you. but he also wants what you represent- stability, career, power, growth….so, that, you can give him. You are obviously attracted to his focus and energy. It could just use a different direction. Not by yourself….with someone else who knows how this works……sit down in a formal meeting with him- glass walls help- please, another older man—-and map out what this guys strengths are, and what his career shape and ambition could look like- what he ought to do. Then transfer him out of your division with a vaya con dios. Help him get to where he wants to go. Make it about his work skills and devotion. Be enthusiastic. Let people see that. They want to be lazy and assume that ya’ll are already having an affair. If they see you are excited about his career development and prospects–maybe they’ll step up to the plate, and get better. They’ll want that extra push. You’ll get a good reputation as a career-boosting manager. You’ll get better staff. They’ll try to find you, to work for you. This is not a flip observation. It really works. It’s the sublimation that drives culture. If you’re Freudian.
People want sex and money and status. If you can cover 2 out of 3, they’ll forget about the third, or think it’s out of their league. I kind of did this sort of thing at one of my jobs. I was a nobody- waittress at a bar- and guys would bring in their resumes when I’d ditch a boyfriend- b/c they wanted me to take an interest in their prospects. I worked with really gossipy women. They’d pointed out to the guys that every guy I’d gone out with had gotten a promotion or finished an advanced degree within six months. It was really strange, to be honest. But- I stayed on good terms with every one of those guys, except for the one who didn’t follow-up on an interview for his dream job. That got around, too. I didn’t have to sleep with anyone, to get golden girlfriend status. I didn’t have any clues- hadn’t worked in a corporation, didn’t have a degree, couldn’t boss anyone around. If I can do it- whatever it was- finding people interesting, and asking what they wanted to do, and what they were going to do to get there- there’s obviously a lot ( A LOT) of room for other people to do career development. That guy who does “getting things done” can wear really nice suits, for helping people figure out little bits of it. I bet you’d like an even better career trajectory.
Any reasonable 19th century novelist will talk about face physiognomies.
I didn’t know this had a name. I’ve been reading people though their photos for years, covering their faces to show one of three sections – 1) Left side, 2) Right side, and then 3) the eyes and above. I pick just one word from each to describe their nature. It seem useful, and I often find the unexpected.
Like what? I’m curious. Can you do it with photos we could all link to, here?
I figured this out with another waittress. We had open area- no blocks of tables, so we could talk to anyone we wanted. There was only about 1/3 overlap. I was grossed out by her most loyal customers, and she was bored by my most loyal customers. We could go into a room of strangers, and the breakdown would be the same. So we tried to figure out what the triggers were. It turned out to be faces.
I can’t tell most of the time, these days, surrounded by only good, kind people- my kids teachers, and the people at church. Regular attendance at a loving church seems to be worth a decade’s worth of facelift. It’s odd, watching people start looking younger as they get involved. Well, it would be odd, if I didn’t see it over and over.
which means, I’ve got my little cheat-sheet on a wristcuff, not a whole notebook. I’m curious. Care to tell? It’s fallen out of favor as a novelistic device, so it’s not like I can go read about it today, with today’s hairstyles, slang and pre-occupations.
I’m all ears.
Okay Ari, just at random… try these:
1) First picture
2) This Face
3) Second picture down
When I cover and just stare, waiting for something to come, here’s what I get.
1) (L)Aggressive, (R)Combative, (Top)Confrontational
2) (L)Eager, (R)Predatory, (Top)Desperate
3) (L)Defensive, (R)Damaged, (Top)Struggling
Links fixed (I hope)
1) First picture
http://www.marieclaire.com/hair-beauty/trends/best-cuts-face-shape
2) This Face
http://operationrescue.org/images/Newman-color.jpg
3) Second picture down
http://www.russiablog.org/2008/10/sarkozy_supports_medvedevs_pro.php
okay, I’m with you so far. but how?? what do you think communicates this? I don’t think it’s your dinner talking to you, like ebenezer to scrooge. what are the info bits?
sincerely curious, here.
do you have charts? notes? stuff like this? I’m fascinated.
Ari, Bill Carson:
I’ve been doing this kind of analysis too, for an entirely different reason: I do portrait drawings. So, I’ve noticed the asymmetry in human faces and studied just from the esthetic point of view.
I just want to make clear: I observe the facial expression and assign a qualifier to each portion (left, right, top and also the bottom-smile/lips/chin ). But I don’t actually think those expressions correspond 100% to real traits of the character. It’s true people who had a suffering life will most probably show the suffering in their faces. That or maybe they just got a bad night with no sleep. So, it could be a transient feature or a character related feature.
For portrait of people, I tend to accentuate the symmetry. For other poses (dynamic/forced/etc) I relax the symmetry rule, but symmetry is my standard for beauty in the face (not in the pose).
oh, that came out wrong. I meant to say, I don’t think you are making it up, and I doubt that you are simply remembering the gossip pages. I think you’re on to something, but I’d like to know what small things you are seeing to build your conclusions.
Ari, There’s no science to it. It’s all subconscious, intuitive and purely subjective. With the above pictures, I could go back and identify specific traits in the faces that support my impression, but I didn’t look for specifics or engage in logical reasoning to reach a conclusion. I think that I have a little talent in reading people, but who knows for sure. I’m confident enough that when something flashes up without explanation, I tentatively go with it.
X – “I’ve been doing this kind of analysis too, for an entirely different reason: I do portrait drawings.”
That’s interesting. I can’t break a life face apart like that real time. I need something over the other sections or I’d probably be too influenced by the whole to pick up on the specific. I can’t do it with every picture. It has to be frontal, without glasses and with a natural and fairly mild expression.
No doubt it isn’t 100% correct for the reasons you listed, probably less than 75%. The series “Lie to Me” promotes the idea a micro expressions – little “tells” that last for a second. I could just be picking up on those rather than something that’s expressed so frequently that it’s habit.
oh! symmetry! the hallmark of a quarterback, or a model, or a star soccer player!
Perhaps since sex is apt to rear it’s ugly head no matter what we do it might profit society to put some resources into resolving the second largest cause of divorce. That’s right folks, disagreements over home remodeling projects. We desperately need to establish a Department of Remodeling/Decorating to assist couples in making wise remodeling/decorating decisions. Seeing a marriage fail over what kind of tile to put in the guest bath is simply unacceptable in a humane and decent society. And should gridlock prevent the government from acting just remember Glenn’s rule guys, If she wants the bedroom painted Fig Cookie grab the roller and get busy. If she decides it’s wrong paint is cheap.
And do the painting yourself. If you hire a contractor he might turn out to be Studley T. Orgasm. Then you paid for the paint and have the lawyers bill anyhow.
I have read that adultery (or sex) is not the top reason for divorce. It is “money”. I think the expenses and conflict over home decorating would fall within that category.
Is it too much money or not enough money? I was actually lucky because when I didn’t have any money my wife stayed with me and now that we have enough money she’s still here.
excellent thoughts – but unfair to Isabel Archer…!! … as I recall, Osmond, her spouse, was rather grey and sexless… she was, rather, enormously attracted (and deceived) by his exquisite aesthetic sensibility … better James novel to illustrate: Golden Bowl – even denser prose … the adulterous decisions don’t work out for anyone… (adultery is not in play in Portrait)…
= =
Wonderful to have a fellow Henry James reader on board! Indeed, there was no adultery in The Portrait of a Lady. I chose that novel because it so exquisitely illustrates the importance of the decision of whom to marry and I do still believe that Portrait is the clearest illustration in Henry James’ novels of what can befall a woman if she bases her decision on factors other than a man’s true character. Although Osmond wasn’t a “chick magnet” in the usual sense of the word, he wove his malignant web around the naive Miss Archer, and she fell into it. Neither of her other two main suitors had Osmond’s magnetic appeal for her. Of course, if she’d married either of them, the novel would have ended by page 100, and the villainous effects of Osmond and the cruel Madame Merle would have remained in Henry James’ notebooks and never have illuminated Portrait as they did.
Thank you for your wonderful comment!
yes, decisions – bad / wrong / difficult – that’s what we’re talking about – I quite agree – and I quite admire your retention of Portrait nuances – I’m struggling a bit – ; still, I’ll defend a great “love of my life”: and concede only that Isabel Archer definitely makes a “bad” decision (and isn’t it very quaint how the power of “exquisite aesthetic sensibility” can operate in James-world!)
In contrast, The Prince and his lover in Golden Bowl make wrong decisions; and indeed your original correspondent above is in great danger of doing just that – making a wrong decision (as well as a bad one)
Yes, but Isabel couldn’t have married Goodwood, or whatever his name was, because, you should pardon the expression, he was a stiff. There’s got to be a spark. Even in arranged marriages there’s got to be one.
Dear Worried and Willing,
I’m sure your relationship with this 25y/o who “oozes sex” will go well for you. No, do not bring this up with your husband, don’t try to work something out with him. I’m sure your employer will understand. I’m sure your kids will understand!
The fact that you can’t get excited with “non-traditional” sex or by using porn and toys means that you REALLY ARE “highly sexed”!
He’ll certainly devoice his young wife and keep you as his trophy for ever! Just wish I had done this with my spouse years ago…
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Anyone wanting to overcome lust using Christian principals may want to look at the following: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Lust-Jim-Vander-Spek/product-reviews/1619040522/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
To Worried and Willing:
I am by no means monogamous; some of us are cut out for lifelong fidelity, it sounds as if you and I aren’t. So far be it from me to judge anybody’s morals.
As a former management consultant however I must seriously advise you not to get involved in an affair with a subordinate. You would be putting yourself in an impossible position and putting your career and future at risk.
The golden rule for philanderers (a word not often applied to women but we can share it for now) is never get involved with anyone who has not as much to lose as yourself. Nobody ever keeps to this of course but we should try.
I know there are a lot of attractive, youthful 50 year old women these days, some of us men are not too bad either – people seem to be staying young longer so love affairs where there is a big age gap are becoming more common, but ask yourself about this guy’s motives. Does he really fancy you like crazy or might there be another agenda related to his personal ambitions.
The key question to put to him would be is he prepared to find a new job to clear any office politcs issues out of the way? Even if your wannabe lover is genuine, office affairs can never be kepr secret (I speak from experience) and other people might see an opportunity to stab you in the back.
Please don’t take this as criticism, were you not this man’s boss I’d be the first to say “Go for it girl,” as the English man of letters Lord Chesterfield said, “There is nothing sets up a young man so well as having an older lover.”
Many years ago I got some advice from a friend that made a major difference in my life, and my marriage.
I was told that “Love is not a feeling, Love is a Decision. A Decision that you make Every Day!”
General Patton always said, “Making good decisions is easy, it’s getting all the information necessary to make a good decision that takes work.”
On one level I think this person really needs to sit down and talk with her husband, a nice long chat. One thing I’ve found that works for me is to take a road trip with my wife. When you are in the car traveling there isn’t a lot to do to pass the time so you end up communicating. The longer the drive, the deeper you can get talking things out.
She may even learn there are things that her husband desires that are not being fulfilled and as a result she can work things out to both her and her husband’s satisfaction.
Unfortunately, as with all parlor psychologists, my comments are free and she will get what she paid for. But it is something to consider.
I’m looking at 32 years this August.
“I’m looking at 32 years this August.”
Wow- the judge really threw the book at you.
Congrats.
Actually the woman may be in trouble now in regard to “sexual harassment.” If there has been any and I mean any discussions concerning “extra credit exercises” then the male (note I did not say “man”) could have ammunition for a meeting with HR. I know of a situation where the comments from one person to another, even though nothing was ever consummated, caused all sorts of trouble for the manager – almost getting the person fired. The HR department is concerned first about protecting the company. If it is easier to remove someone to avoid a nasty, prolonged, and expensive court fight they will do that. And then you have to worry about the future ramifications (dare I dare mention Herman Cain?).
The comment about STDs is also very appropriate. I dated a woman several decades ago who had been married to a male just like the one described above (though she was aware of his behavior prior to the marriage – she just knew she could change him). She told me that he may have infected her with herpes (though I don’t know if she ever tested positive). Just remember when you have sex with someone you are kind of having sex with everyone that person had sex with.
Been there, done that. Marital bliss was getting tedious, and as my hubby travels out of town a lot, I was free to indulge. Everybody needs a change, a little excitement, you know? It turned out tht hubby wa also prowling around bit on his business trips. The funny thing is that when the s..t hit the fan, and after the initial sense of betrayal, we both thought that the situation was hysterical and it has actually impoved our relationship. But you have to be grown up about it; that’s why its called adult-ery. My advice is to be discreet, practice safe sex and don’t brag.
well, it occurs to me… so she has a ton of energy, lots of vitality and spark, and a sensuous nature. She has a husband who is in frail health. Might not….well, right now she is in fear of her energy and demands. Were she to get to know them, accept them, whatever, sort of dragon on a leash…..could she use her energy in care and service of her husband- holding him, cherishing him, and so on? I don’t know how this works, to be honest. But it seems like energy focussed on a good end, by good means, tends to transform into something better.
I’d say- take the interest in the young man, and facilitate his career. He wouldn’t be interesting if he were just a place-holder. He’s got something on the ball. Why not facilitate that, instead of letting him spin his wheels in place.
In the marriage- maybe her husband feels unwell a great deal of the time, and she ought to investigate reiki, or therapeutic touch, or something of the sort? medicinal massage therapies are different than swilling suntan oil about on one’s back. She could make a very conscious gift of her nervous splendor to him, to his health. I don’t know how this works. I know that reiki practitioners are somewhat at a loss for language to describe their work. But that they do affirm that they are working, and that it’s quite taxing, what they do. I’ve met one, and been acquaintances with a few others. It’s a bit esoteric, but—-something happens. no clue what.
I know a reiki practitioner offered to help one of my kids when I was describing an odd sort of problem- she’d seen it before, and knew what to do, rather than the doctor, who had seen it before, but wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. He wasn’t “settled” into his body, if that makes sense, when he was born. She told me things to do to “hold” him in place- I was already holding him 22 hours a day, and he wasn’t settled. She did something on her end, I did what she said at my end, and it really did seem like holding a balloon in place. I can tell you the day he “settled” and decided to stay, and I can tell you he gained one pound in that hour. He was five months old at the time, and had been at the hospital, or ill, or flimsy-irritable- all the time before that. So- I can’t say how it works, or why it works, or what’s happening, but it might be something to look into. She’s got a battery, she could get very mindful about its uses.
I know there’s some sort of Christian tradition with this. Again, not sure of what it is- I just know it’s out there. I that God is available in the alchemy of a marriage, in ways that he’s not available to more simple hookups. Again, not clear on how it works, just sort of vaguely aware that other people who pay more attention to this mention it as well.
the letter-writer is caught in a painful place- between love, desire, duty, affection and lust. She’s in the spot best used by literature. We may wish her all kindness as she works out her situation in all wisdom.
I’ve been happily married for 26 years. And never stepped out, if you know what I mean. In fact, we did not ‘formalize’ our union for one full year after we took the vows. I think that strengthened our devotion to each other and our mutual trust. It might not be for everybody, but it’s worth consideration.
Why do you use “Hillary Rodham” as am example? WTH does she have to do with this issue, except that she’s a worthless scum not worth mentioning?
Numerous articles and biographies of this putrid duo (Hill & Bill) reveal that she knew very well that he’d go behind behind her back to be with other women before she married him. Like Isabel Archer, she married looking for the “exciting” guy and she sure got her excitement …Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Paula Corbin, Monica Lewinsky, Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, and on and on. For more, see http://www.albertpeia.com/oxfordassault.htm. Is that enough relevance for you?
In her autobiography, “A Ticket to the Circus,” Norris Church Mailer reported more than one booty call from Wild Bill, long before he landed in the WH. It does seem as though this was (is?) a long-standing, deeply entrenched behavior that Mrs. C. is highly unlikely to have been unaware of early on in the relationship, if not from the get-go.
RE: other comments about the damage to children from learning of the infidelity of the parent(s). I think these sorts of actions provide a more profound example to children, that they many eventually act out in their own lives, than we may be willing to recognize. For good or ill, whatever a parent does or is known to have done, sometimes after the fact, puts that very thing on the table in the life of the child, either as a tacit but nonetheless powerful permission, as in the case of adultery or serial philandering (cf the Kennedys); or as a model to fall back on when angry or frustrated (spouse abuse, drinking); or perhaps the ultimate tragedy, as a way out of problems or anguish that are viewed as insurmountable, in the case of suicide.
Of course, all of these things can and often do prompt an unshakeable hardiness yielding the opposite behavior in children. Or in the homier language of the old saying, “Adversity makes one man a hero and another man a heel.”
In any case, perhaps the troubled woman in this case may find the strength to do the right thing if she spends some time contemplating not so much the loss of her children’s affections in the near term, should they find out, but how she would feel if they were to some day follow in her footsteps, should she decide against fidelity.
With respect to the potential for sexual harassment charges, actually anyone included in this woman’s span of control has the potential to bring charges of her creating a hostile working environment, alleging that the obvious sexual tension is creating discomfort and disruption to the rest of the employees, and/or that wonder boy is the recipient of favoritism and the other employees don’t stand a chance of competing with him on their (job-related) merits. Whether the two remain technically faithful or not, her goose would be cooked should anyone came forward with this charge.
My first and last thought is, one of them needs to move, and I mean geographically, not just departmentally.
Those two have nothing to do with human relationships in any sexual or marital sense; they’re nothing more than a criminal conspiracy and who the Hell knows how the one brat got whelped.
ARRRRrrrrtttt…he closed his eyes and thought of the oval in the oval office, and she thought of the view of the washington monument…..
I can’t believe you set that joke up. I’ve had it for years, and nobody has said anything……
“Thou shalt not commit adultery” works for me, but I tend to oversimplify everything.
The writer indicates that her hueband has ED problems that are unresponsive to treatment. Did he also lose his hands (and tongue)?
If not, they should be able to work something out that keeps her in her own bed.
Now if hubby isn’t willing to consider any alternatives in the quest to kep her satisfied at home, then maybe she starts thinking of alternatives (but should still stay away from work! – an important rule in life is not to poop where you eat).
Heartbreak is a gulag, not a hotel.
“You were fortunate indeed to land in your husband’s arms after spending your twenties with highly-sexed chick magnets who seduced you and left you as road kill when they tired of their joy rides with you.” This is a feature not a defect of human biology. It takes two. Get over the man bashing.
** This is a feature not a defect of human biology. It takes two. Get over the man bashing. **
So you believe that biology is destiny, for always & ever? We’re just a bunch of promiscuous chimps? Emotionally harmful acts leaving perpetually bleeding wounds on another are the result of simple biology? I’d say they’re rather due to bad character, non-existent judgment, and downright nasty selfishness.
I guess one man’s “man bashing” is another woman’s “I’m a sentient human and more than an animal”.
A woman who doesn’t realize she’s being used cannot give consent, so it isn’t two that are tango-ing, only one, the guy. There isn’t a word of male-bashing in this column. Belladonna is warning women about a certain kind of man, not all men. If her comment hit home with you, you just may be one of that kind, yourself. Ever think of it that way?
One of the joys of being human is that we don’t always have to excuse our more evil members. Hitler is not misunderstood, McVeigh doesn’t need a hug, the serial killer in Atlanta was just a wretched creature.
Men and women view things differently. I enter Tucker Max’s blog into the evidence file. What he writes about, and men envy, women look on him as either charming- in which case they had sex with him- or in pain, b/c he’s cruel. You may read the Daniel Ellsberger article in Forbes blog-land where he says the women charmed by him were damaged human beings he took advantage of. I think he’s funny as hell, but I wouldn’t let him near me with a ten- foot pole, since he was a law-school student. They’re perverts of the first water. ( cpac is a shining example of this, from the news articles)
I thought I had a handle on the jerk- skills of guys when I married my husband. He had even bleaker thoughts, all around, on most guys. Eventually, he’d be proved right, and I’d be proved wrong, by that same person saying something- an actual confession, not a gossipy circumstantial evidence. I have since concluded- on guys, I know jack-nothing. And when he tells me about some horrid guy doing something appalling- I remind him that he’s there to protect our baby girl- he reminds me that he knows that- and that he’s better at it than me, since I gave HIM the time of day in the first place. I happen to think I have fabulous taste in men- and he thinks my standards are too low. Make of it what you will.
Which is a long way around to: women give men more slack than they realize. For one. For another, a married man (no children are mentioned) hitting on a married woman with children, is a jackal and a hyena, and a bad man, in general. A married person does not usually work to step out of their relationship. Infidelity hovers around 10% total, lifetime average. I know there are stats saying 50%. There are not verified, or repeatable. 10%- 12% total, is. Which is, btw, lower than the rate of jerks ( 16% and holding, according to one odd book) and lower than the rate of sociopathy (14-16%) Which I think means that sociopaths have faithful marriages. So this guy is behaving worse than a sociopath. That’s not something to be proud of.
The young man is trying to play footsie with his supervisor. For all we know- this is his first foray, and he should be shot down before he develops bad habits. He’s self- indulgent and weaselly and entitled now. Imagine 25 more years of his bad character getting indulged, and then he’s the fifty year old with designs on the 25 year old newbie. It’s not a pretty picture. At minimum, by schooling him on proper boundaries, this woman is enabling the young, ambitious gov’t employee in the future- could be her own daughter- to go to work unmolested by the future Jabba the Hutt.
For another- he’s thinking, somehow, that travel entitles him to the life of a travelling salesman joke. without, you know, developing the easy charm, warmth, wit or quick humor of a travelling salesman. He’s dreaming outside his weight-class, basically.
90% of guys are faithful. Calling one guy who isn’t faithful a weasel isn’t smearing most men: it’s smearing weasels.
Nobody else could have phrased the truth better! I nominate Belladonna Rogers for the “International Good Advice Award” for this column.
Yet, reminding a person about common sense only works while a person remembers to remember that common sense. “Worried and Willing in Washington, D.C.” wouldn’t be in this situation if she hadn’t nearly forgotten common sense before, and if she forgets again for even a moment, all bets are off.
She needs to find an honest solution that she can live with to solve the conflict between her fantasy desires and her rational desires.
Maybe reading Anna Karenina will give her insight into the wisest priorities.
Several years ago, escaping from a bitter divorce, the result of impetuous adultery on my part, after escaping into booze and pills, and a series of disasterous affairs, shuned by my children, my friends and my parents, desparate for some peace, I travelled to Tibet. I wandered by myself for an entire year before stumbling into a decrepit Buddhist monastery on the border between Tibet and Nepal. I did not speak the local dialect, but that did not seem to matter. I met a spiritual guide who taught me a simple mantra, um hom padme hom, that provided me with an enormous sense of serenity. I was celibate during that year, and that, at first, was quite difficult. The chant was quite sooothing, calming, alluring. It took another entire year of soul-searching and meditaton, but the result was a sort of rebirth. Upon returning to California I met a wonderful guy, fell in love and remarried. We have two wonderful children. Whatever demons that drove me to betray my first husband have been exorcised. I am no longer bitter having been shunned by my ex, my parents and my other kids. Life goes on.
‘Katherine’…OK, I’ll pretend. We had something special. Or at least I thought we did. And I knew that your marriage was on the rocks, but not entirely because of your wanderings. I understand. But I do not understand, nor will I ever, accept that I meant nothing to you. I do not believe that you are a callous and uncaring person. Archie couAnyhald not provide you with what you needed. I thought I could fill the void. I failed. And I have not been able to recover. I am thrilled that you have built a new life. Please do not abandon your old life, at least not my small part of it. Anyhow, Clark is leaving me.
Katie I understand why you messed around whilst married to Archie; to be polite, he was drab. I get it. But why did you cheat on me?? I thought that we had a great thing, the two of us. Was it all an act????
ANAPHRODISIACS
When you’re aroused and struggling with your passions try taking an anaphrodisiac to cool you down. Soy beans and chamomile are potent suppressors of the sex drive.
How sure are you about soy? It’s a phytoestrogen and very likely to have the opposite effect. As would chasteberry, evening primrose, borage, and lots of the other herbal remedies marketed as “natural” (which they are, but the implication is clearly “harmlesss,” which they are not) remedies for menopausal symptoms.
SOY
Next time you’re in heat try it.
Just read this:
“Soy is of the most potent libido killers in men. Though men naturally have some of the female hormone, estrogen, eating soy can raise this level too high and dramatically decrease sex drive.” But maybe not in women?
Google How Food Affects Your Libido – Yahoo! Voices – voices.yahoo.com
I was stunned to see my exs’ post on this blog. Her real name is not Katherine, by the way. And the wreckage she was responsible for doesn’t entitle her to a new, wonderful life. Following our divorce, our oldest son followed her lead into sex, booze and drugs, two suicide attempts, a panopoly of STDs and, ultimately AIDS. Her mantra hasn’t brough him any solace. Our second born, daughter, drifted into the porn industry. The gonorrhea that you passed on to me has left me sterile..no second chances for me. Thanks, ‘Katherine’. I hope that your new family has taken the appropriate precautions to insulate themselves from the evilness that you are. Hom um padme hom, my ass.
Hey, guy, she was a bitch. You should have dumped her years ago. The kids are f..ked up. That’s her doing. You should not feel guilty. Even her mom and dad accept tht she is a WPOS. It is time that you moved on. Just because it was a toxic relationship doesn’t mean that all relationships end in crap. I am here for you.
Dear W & W,
PLEASE heed Belladonna’s advice. Do not give in to this temptation; it will ruin your life, and many beyond yours — I can’t even say it will ruin your life in the long run, b/c I think the proverbial ton o’ bricks will fall very shortly.
I think the suggestion to see a therapist (maybe esp. a sex therapist?) could help get you back on track.
I’m not a terribly religious person (spiritual, yes) but I’d say this temptation is being deliberately placed in front of you. By who I can’t say; choose whatever name you like for capital “E” Evil. It certainly exists and stalks this world. It’s possible this has happened at this time as a challenge.
No matter what, being highly-sexed is your burden to bear. The thing that will define you as a person, by how you react. But you already know this, having chosen a fine man as husband, not Mr. Look-out-here-comes-heartache. I can only say that I, along with most fine folks on here, will ask for blessings on you. Now you do your part by finding some support for what you know in your heart to be right.
Has your husband asked his doctor about and/or tried hormone treatment to increase his libido. If it is an actual physical problem but he still has the urge but cannot perform, then there are other alternatives to what you two can do, (he may need to learn to become a cunning linguist). If he has a literal physical problem and also does not feel the urge, then he, more than likely is lacking in hormones sufficient to get him going.
Also, the lack of hormones creates other problems that you may not be aware of as having any relationship, such as depression, diminishing physical strength, etc. Have you gone to the doctor with him to discuss this problem, so that you know he is tell you the truth. I don’t say this lightly, as you would surprised what stories men come up with when……. (I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination)
As for you young lady, you are placing yourself in a dangerous position, who’s outcome will not be to your liking if you pursue that young man’s ardor. Your ego’s been boosted and yes, it does feel good to be noticed in a sexual way, but if you want physical intimacy do work on your relationship at home. I suspect that your husband is no fool and you can bet he is aware of your outside titillations and/or dalliances.
If not having physical intimacy is enough to break up your marriage, then it didn’t have much going for it, to begin with.
The money quote: “If you’re filled with feelings of guilt now, you’ll be drowning in oceans of it as long as you live if you go forward with this affair, or any others during your marriage.”
You’re clearly a woman with high energy levels and a great need to be appreciated. I suggest that you work out a lot, lots of cardio, lots of weight to use up some of that physical energy. Then, volunteer a lot – work with needy kids to get the hugs and appreciation you need. Be a person of deep quality! Sex will quiet down to a rational place in your life.
oh, please.
it would seem to me that any man too ill to go for a ride would be very ill indeed. And that the letter-writer is being refined in a fire that she hasn’t had named, yet. nobody chooses to transform, willingly.
She’s getting changed, every little bit, by holding fast to her wedding vows. No man wants to be King Mark, and be married to Isolde. I think Wagner had it right- Isolde and Tristan get together- but they sing a death duet. That’s not what the letter-writer wants.
I know I keep focussing on the mechanics of physical satisfaction, but I’m kind of bent. The letter-writer is repulsed by porn paraphilias. One respondent tsked at this. That’s not fair- most people aren’t paraphiliacs, even a little bit. If you think about it- a condom is a form of latex paraphilia. And we have hard times using those, even to stay alive. I think it’s part of the disorienting feeling right now, with O’care legislating to catholic institutions- we don’t usually expect the paraphiliac depraved person to win the argument. I know that women’s magazines have stories about how we are all getting pregnant, without using birth control. This is without thinking- maybe the birth-control is the revolting device. It would be like insisting that people get in wheelchairs, to start an Olympic race.
The letter-writer is being burned up, some part is being burned out of her. I would think behaving honorably means what is burning is sort of a refiner’s fire, and that we don’t know what resources are available to her, necessarily, spiritually. A wedding is sort of an alchemy. She’s got a husband, they are bound with a vow that calls on a greater power. which to me, suggests that the greater power is a stakeholder as well. Not in a single verse sort of punitive fashion, but in a larger sense. I don’t know how this works, at all, but I would think, possibly, another pastor in a different tradition might be a good idea.
that it is a great struggle is the mark that it is a worthwhile great struggle. I’m not catholic, but it seems like the sort of thing st anthony works with, if that’s your cup of tea.
Wow – there’s a lot of good advice there and a lot of interesting comments.
That said, I do disagree with the notion of the lady using her authority to transfer the fellow to lower east nowhere – while it can certainly be difficult, she has to find ways to be strong and resist this temptation, but I think that the solution has to come from within her.
For what it is worth.
Oh, no, no, not shipping him off to lower east nowhere. Perhaps even somewhere better — just not in her immed. vicinity is all.
Belladonna. Bless you for your kind and sound advice. You’ve prompted me to go find my wife and give her a kiss (we work for the same company). Just to let her know how much I love her.
I think you are experiencing one of the consequences of your previous promiscuity. I know that is an unpopular position to take, but if you didn’t have all those memories, you would have less expectations of your husband. I may be wrong in this assumption, but are you impossible to please in other area’s of your life? Sometimes men quit. If a man lives his marriage in an atmosphere of constant criticism, they don’t want to try. Failure and the ensuing critique ,is just too painful. If you have damaged his spirit, he won’t perform. If this is the case, and i am completely guessing about your circumstance, and i appologize if i am being hurtful, he will have to be convinced that he is completely accepted by you , and loved unconditionally, even desired by you, before he can be healed.
Yeah, the dirty little secret is that there’s a Helluva lot more “erectile disinterest” than “erectile dysfunction,” and Viagra won’t help that; losing 20-30 pounds and the bad attitude might though.
what keaton says is one of the more troubled points of view i’ve read so far:
“I think you are experiencing one of the consequences of your previous promiscuity.”
this isn’t an “unpopular position to take.” its ridiculous. and smacks of lack of self confidence. by the time most woman reach 30 they’ve had more hunks that you can imagine. i know because i have a younger sister and have been friends with many of her friends who don’t have older brothers. far from producing unrealistically high expectations exposure to scumbags primes a woman to appreciate a good guy. the idea that w&w is “impossible to please” in other areas of her life comes out of some part of your mind that isn’t thinking straight, imho. theres nothing in w&w’s question to belladonna that even suggests that she has caused her husband’s problems. you seem angry at women and are seeing this situation through some very jaundiced lenses, get a new pair of glasses, keaton. yours aren’t helping you or w&w at all. why would you think her husband is living his life in an atmosphere of constant criticism? you may be, but w&w says she loves her husband and i take her at her word. maybe you’re living your life in an atmosphere of constant criticism and if thats the case i hope you can change things for yourself. you’re reading things into this situation that aren’t supported by anything but your impaired thinking.
OMG! What a wonderful article. “A Portrait of a Lady” is one of my favorite novels–probably because I see myself in Isabel Archer. But doesn’t Isabel end up with the nice guy in the end–after she figures out Gilbert Osmund’s true character?
This is a great reminder for those of us married women who are “out in the world” and still look good in middle-age, who meet a variety of attractive men via business and community organizations.
But I can’t help but think things are challenging and depressing out there. Just heard about some friends divorcing this week. A sober reminder about the choices we make.
Thank you for your kind words. I regret to say that, looking at my ancient, dog-eared copy of The Portrait of a Lady, it ends on a tentative and even uncertain note. The fine, upstanding American whose proposal of marriage Isabel Archer foolishly spurned, visits the house in London where Isabel (after her tragic marriage to Osmond) stayed while her cousin, Ralph, lay dying. After he dies, Caspar Goodwood goes to the house, having just heard that Isabel has been saying there. Miss Henrietta Stackpole gives him the devastating news that he’s missed her. “She came here yesterday, and spent the night. But this morning she started for Rome.”
“Caspar Goodwood was not looking at her; his eyes were fastened on the doorstep. “Oh, she started –?” he stammered. And without finishing his phrase or looking up he stiffly averted himself. But he couldn’t otherwise move.
“Henrietta came out, closing the door behind her, and now she put out her hand and grasped his arm, “Look here, Mr. Goodwood,” she said; “just you wait!
On which he looked up at her — but only to guess from her face, with a revulsion that she simply meant he was young. She stood shining at him with that cheap comfort, and it added, on the spot, thirty years to his life. She walked him away with her, however, as if she had given him now the key to patience.”
Henry James later wrote in his notebooks that he knew that the “obvious criticism” would be that he left the story up in the air. But that is, indeed, how he left it.
If you read this novel as a young woman before marrying, I don’t see how it’s possible not to see Isabel Archer as the quintessential guide in the single most important decision of a woman’s life. She fails, but in her failure she lights the way — or, really, Henry James lights the way — for all who come after her.
Henry James certainly confirmed and reconfirmed my own observations even when I first read it at 23. It’s still as powerful now as then — and always will be. It says it all.
Thanks, Belladonna! Yes it was Casper of whom I was thinking. It’s been probably two decades since I read the novel. I will have to revisit it, as it has always been one of my favorites. I definitely married a Casper–and like in the novel, my guy had just about given up. I had to run back after him and say, “hey, I made a mistake, I really do want you. I was an idiot.”
What I always saw in Isabel was a woman whom everyone was trying to mold into their own “work of art.” Even Ralph has the keen desire to see “what she makes of herself.” Throughout the novel, she is surrounded by works of art, as she herself becomes one. That always resonated with me, as I always felt that people (my mother, mentor, professors, etc.) were trying to project an ideal onto me–make me into their own “work of art.”
Fascinating stuff . . .
Endlessly!
I’m amazed at the generalizations in the responses, as well as the denial of this woman’s sex drive. Anyone who thinks more trips to the gym will assuage a high sex drive obviously doesn’t have one. If anything, going to the gym makes it worse. And why are men with high sex drives villified? Last time I checked it took two to have sex.
I agree that the subordinate should be transferred, but the woman should find other outlets for her sexual needs, even if they are paid for their services. Her husband should give permission to do so, or he should figure out how to please her using his hands and the rest of his body. Think about it…
See the two comments to comment #30. As ari said, “Calling one guy who isn’t faithful a weasel isn’t smearing most men: it’s smearing weasels.” This doesn’t vilify guys with high sex drives. It vilifies villains who crap all over naive women. There’s a real difference. It was a warning about one subspecies of men, not because they’re highly sexed but because they’re sh*ts to women.
mom2twoboys,
maybe your 2two boys are keeping you too busy to read this column. there is no vilification of “men high sex drives.” I am one, myself, and I didn’t read it as against men like me. it is against men who take advantage of women, who love ‘em and leave ‘em for dead. You also say, snarkily, “Last time I checked it took two to have sex.” yes, it does, but the kind of men described as charisma orgasms don’t make their intentions clear and lead women on, so a woman who goes to bed with men like that, are doing it without realizing the scum they’re with until its too late.. my sister had this experience, and as her older brother she didn’t want to listen to me, so she learned the hard way. She would agree with every word in this article about men like that. she was taken advantage of. I wouldn’t call that “tangoing” and neither would she. She was treated like a doormat or a kleenex, used and discarded. those are the men belladonna is writing about, and you missed that. i hope other women don’t make the mistake you did to think all high sexed men were “vilified.” only the rotten apples are, not all of us.
Well, I’m batting less than .100 on the Ten Commandments, but this is one sin even I never comitted but once when I was very young; you don’t get your honey where you get your money! I was 22, her boss, and she was very pretty; a drink or two after work is very flammable at that age. Never got another lick of work, or a lick of anything else out of her again and caught all kinds of Hell from my bosses over her; NEVER DID THAT AGAIN. I spent the later years of my career with women all around who’d trip you, beat you to the ground, and call a reporter on the way down. No matter how hot she is, not matter how much you want to, you NEVER, NEVER, EVER have sex with someone in your line of supervision and it isn’t safe to do so with with anyone even in the same organization with you, though that one I broke what with living in a company town, but I married her.
Dear Belladonna,
The more I think about this, the more I believe this is perhaps one of THE best columns you’ve written. (well, to date anyway! but I’m always into reading what you’ve got to say)
Why? You’re truly compassionate and obviously know more about the situation than you’re saying (or prob. can say). Very insightful. Having any inkling about human nature defies many of us — it’s extremely hard to look into one’s OWN shadow, let alone anyone else’s. To mix advice with wisdom, caution, & love without being overbearing or rude is a real challenge, and you meet it with extraordinary grace on this subject. The seeker was right to contact you.
Bravo! to you, and to the dear lady that wrote in. I’m sure with help from you, and the *helpful* comments here (not all of them are
she will be able to sort wheat/chaff and make the best of what seems now an impossible situation.
Thank you again, and here’s to many more of your columns! Every Tues. I know I’ll have some serious thinking to do, prompted & inspired by your writing.
Don’t listen to these people! Geez, they sound like a Santorum morality club.
Have the affair! Enjoy the secret calls, the clandestine touching, great sex, weekend trips and the sheer life that comes from a younger partner. Yes your kids will hate you, his music won’t be so good, and being spotted by nosy old fuds who will repeat it to friends and other parents who know your kids is a pain.
But your kids will calm down, and they aren’t the ones a few years from a “Sell By” Date. If you don’t do it now, 5 years from now you’ll be kicking yourself.
Of course, a sober assessment means be ready for the divorce, supporting yourself, the move out and the kid to leave you sooner rather than later for a younger woman (no he is not going to stay with you–really? You don’t think so, do you?). Don’t think you’ll keep it hidden. Your husband will KNOW, and your colleagues will too.
Your daughters/sons will carry it all forward into their adult lives, but their life is their business. And I don’t think you’ll be invited to many parties after this.
I haven’t had time to read all the comments, so I might just be repeating something someone else said, but…
Worried and Willing:
You said your husband couldn’t have traditional sex. Well, what about non-traditional sex? For many wives, their favorite things for their husbands to do to them don’t require an erect member. There are lots of ways to have sexy play and orgasms without traditional sex. Maybe you’re embarrassed to try alternatives to traditional sex. Maybe they’ll seem awkward or unsatisfying, especially at first. But give it a go. You owe it to your husband and yourself to try.
I know you said you’ve found mechanical aids and pornography a turn-off so far. I don’t know if this will make you feel better about them, but if your problem with these marital aids might be a sense of shame in using them, would it help to know that resorting to these devices is far, far better than having an affair?
Unless you’re sure you’ve exhausted your options in the marital aid department, I wouldn’t give up quite yet. (I’ll use myself as an example: I never, ever, ever thought I would be turned on by porn… until my husband persuaded me to try some examples he had picked out just for me. Turns out the right stuff will turn me on. Also, I found that it can take time to get used to porn, at least if you’re a woman. My own initial reaction to porn was to dissolve into fits of giggles at how silly it seemed. But then, a lot about sex is silly.)
Besides mechanical devices and pornography, I hear that romance novels are a good outlet for a lot of married women.
Generally, highly-sexed people can find *some* unorthodox means of getting sexual pleasure. If no unorthodox pleasuring technique works for you, then maybe the problem isn’t just your high sex drive, but something else.
As a last-ditch resort, you could talk to your doctor about medications whose side-effects include decreased libido. Some birth-control pills and antidepressants are known to do this, for example. Putting chemicals into your body in order to dampen your libido is a pretty desperate move, to be sure. But it’s still better than having an affair.
*Any* alternative you can find is better than having an affair, especially with kids in the house. Kids notice more than adults realize…
Oh, one more thing…
Maybe it’s not just the sex you’re hot for, but the romance and mystery of getting to live out a fantasy or trying something new. In which case, you might consider trying fantasy role playing with your husband. I know that sounds sort of cheesy, but with a little change of scenery, it’s possible to have an affair with your own spouse.
It can be something as simple as dressing up to the nines and going out together. Or sending each other flirty e-mails. Or spending a weekend in a hotel together, even if it’s not far from your house.
Even without the possibility of traditional sex, you can make fun, romantic, and sexy memories with your spouse this way, which might curb your urge to stray.
Worried and Willing,
You mention doctors. Can we assume that your husband has had his testosterone level checked, and testosterone replacement therapy undertaken if it was found to be low? I’m not talking about Viagra here. Men in their 50′s can see a moderate-to-huge drop in their testosterone levels, resulting in a corresponding drop in their libido.
…received this yesterday and it seems pertinent!
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn’t overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.
“if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, ‘Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..’
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
One nagging thought I can’t seem to shake off…(although I may simply be providing more grist for the argument illustrated by the old joke about the psychology prof who strolls into class one day and casually tosses off the remark, “Of course we all know women are far more subjective than men,” to which a female voice from the back of the room calls out, “I am not”)…I find it hard to believe that the entirety of this woman’s plight can be completely encompassed within the clinical confines of cold sexual need—or what an old friend of mine used to call “hygiene.”
A great line from one of the plethora of self-help books published during the sexual revolution of the 60’s that, despite all the so-called “progress” along those line, still does seem to have resonance for many, is the observation that, “Sex says, anyone will do; love says, there is only one who will do.”
If this woman’s love for her husband is genuine, it’s just possible there may be something else at play in her attraction to the other man. It is in that spirit that I would like to suggest that before she sets anything irrevocable in motion, she give herself a time-out to read and honestly consider the wisdom on offer in a couple of classics, Stanton Peele’s “Love and Addiction,” and Howard Halpern’s, “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.” She may find that her marriage, her children, her husband, and she herself, were more than worth it.
My promises mean something. I’m the merciless, judgemental critic who has to live with myself for the rest of my life.
My sentiments entirely.
Okay, guys. I was thinking a lot about this column last night. I don’t think the real issue is the woman’s desire for the younger man or his attraction to him. I don’t even think it’s the husband’s ED problems. There is always something else behind these things.
In the past, I have participated in a variety of ballroom dance instruction, clubs, etc. My husband does not dance, but he likes the fact that dancing keeps me in shape, sexy, and happy. Of course, this means working closely with men who are not my husband. I have had plenty of super-attractive partners. One I even fantasized about. But, at the end of the day, I wasn’t even close to carrying on with them. I know what that would do to my husband and my marriage, and I wouldn’t want to hurt either. I always made an effort to mention my husband, or have him show up occasionally to partiest to meet my friends.
In the times I have been tempted to stray, there was a reason for it. Hubbie was working 80-hrs/wk and we hadn’t had time together in weeks. Or Hubbie was being critical and nagging about this or that. Or there were financial problems, etc. Basically–I felt neglected, taken for granted, and irritated at my general lot in life.
I find that my marriage seems to be okay when my husband and I spend time together on a regular basis. For example, we have date night one night each week. We have some kind of sex at least once a week. We go to church together on Sundays, and we eat dinner together every evening–even if briefly. He still works 80 hrs/wk, and I work 40, but those times together help. Also, he like to find little things I might like on the internet–a blouse, something for the house, etc. I make sure that he has good meals and clean laundry.
I’m wondering if the woman-in-question is feeling neglected, the husband senses something is up at her workplace, and resentment has built. There are certainly ways of getting one’s self sexually satisfied that don’t include intercourse. Can they explore those? Visit a sex therapist for ideas? Make an effort towards the intimacy and excitement that seems lagging?
Just some thoughts . . .
Yet another thought. Other folks have rightly noted any number of wonder boy’s far from unassailable possible motivations. But at the risk of being a tad indelicate here, I would suggest that another factor likely to be ensnaring both of them in their entanglement is this woman’s age, which puts her at just about the average halfway mark (48—52) of what I can only describe as the gathering chemical storm of peri-menopause and menopause itself. I can’t prove this, or that it holds for all women, but something I’d hazard a guess is happening to this woman is that her own libido has hit after-burner and thus so have her pheromones, so on top of everything else, that’s a chemical message he’s getting. (I think Barbara Stanwyck’s portrayal of this phenomenon in “The Thorn Birds” was an absolute tour de force.)
Personally, I was totally unprepared for it. I think many women are. But attempting to fend off what were after all fairly predictable, clichéd hits by older married men when one is young, is simply child’s play compared with fending off its ironic counterpart that can occur at this age.
At first this all seemed like a very cruel joke, but as soon as I put 2 + 2 together and realized that Mother Nature had crafted this monumental surge in one last grand attempt to get my stuff into the gene pool, I could accept the OK-ness of it as part of the grand mystery of life, and I somehow gained an equal footing with her and rose to the occasion.
What I can tell this woman is that if she conquers herself and wins this battle royale, she will discover an extraordinarily liberating new territory on the other side, to wit, a place where she will finally be able to be incredibly selective about the men with whom she chooses to affiliate, and that alone will have been worth the struggle.
I’m a little late posting a response to this, but having an affair with someone at work is a major mistake, as others have noted. If others have already noticed the “vibe” between you, it has already gone too far.
One other thing – have you approached your husband about your lack of fulfillment? Not to be crude, but there are a lot of things he could do to satisfy you. Oral, toys, etc. Just a thought, but in his position, it is possible he feels sorry for himself (as anyone would) and hasn’t put due consideration into how YOU feel about it. But it is entirely possible (again, not to be crude) that getting you off could be titilating and exciting to him, as well.
I am late posting on purpose. It took a while for me to formulate a response I felt would actually make a point and be accurate at the same time.
A little fact about the brain, memory, and emotional response. In an earlier thread, I noted that memories are a permanent, physical part of the brain and the memories that come up most often are the ones associated with intense happenings and events in one’s life. They are the ones the brain will bring to the conscious surface, retrieved from one of the 5 subconscious levels of the brain. After reading her letter, there are some keys that should be taken into consideration by her and hopefully, she will pay heed to the warnings she is already receiving by way of guilt feelings.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and no matter how guilt feelings were developed or where they originated, they are real. Ignore them at your peril. The lady was bravely honest about her past and her encounters with “chick magnets” who used her obvious sexual drive to their advantage, leaving her with emotional damage.
Now that her husband of 15 years is no longer able to meet or satisfy her needs through no fault of his own, the temptation to satisfy her aroused feelings seems to be on the verge of spiraling out of control and maybe she will submit to her urges and the ones coming from her suitor. If she does, afterwards, after the glow of sexual satisfaction starts to fade and fade it will, the deep seated guilt feelings will rise to the surface with a potentially devastating result.
I won’t invoke the religious aspect of adultery since it is not my place to judge anyone. All I can do is reflect back on mistakes of others that I am personally aware of. Reflect back on the destruction of the individual, much less the marriage and even for those who were able to remain married, the trust and belief in each other was no longer on solid ground.
The new mores’ of a changing culture still assign a certain stigma to adultery but it is fading with each passing generation. More and more children are born out of wedlock to the point that about half of babies born today are to single mothers. Commitment to one husband or wife is becoming passe’ and divorce no longer has the stigma it once had. Women are becoming more demanding in the bedroom along with demands in the boardroom as well. As the song title goes and is still relevant,”The Times, They Are A Changing”.
At her age, the writer is in a cultural limbo and she must make a decision that will affect her for the rest of her life. Accept her situation for what it is and move forward, sacrificing a very important and alluring part of who she is sexually. Or, find other options though they may not be what she likes but do out of necessity of saving her marriage. If she chooses the option of an affair with the attractive co-worker, the die will be cast and there is no turning back.
We can advise, offer opinions, share stories, and cite statistics but in the end, it is the writer herself who will decide her fate, not any of us. If I can offer any suggestion or advice, listen to who you are inside and if possible, set aside your personal sexual desires. Consider carefully the available paths and consider the consequences of each as I think you are already doing. Take parts and pieces of what is offered but if you do take heed, listen carefully to what Belladonna has said about separating yourself from the young man and then when you are not under the present pressure of his sexual attraction, you can be who you are and make an informed decision.
God bless you and when all else fails and if you are a believer, put your trust in Him to guide you through this traumatic time in your life and believe me, what you are experiencing is truly traumatic. I speak from experience.
So, you’re a highly sexed female. You’ve always been that way. I’m amused that there was so much discussion about the liabilities of highly sexed males.
You don’t have a problem, and if your husband is reasonably happy, he doesn’t either. But the two of you…have a problem. Either you, or Ms. Rogers’ readers, are not getting the full story. The readership seems very eager to offer their take on very little info.
Sexual longing is a terrible thing. From my standpoint, you seem to be laying the groundwork for a the coming transgression, even writing Ms. Rogers to solicit advice from her and her readers. You will be able to demonstrate that you were willing to “try anything” before the inevitable takes place, which it will.
Or, you quit writing and start thinking. You make a decision. Good luck.
I don’t think she will cheat. As I noted above (anonymous) she’s not looking for ways to resist temptation, she’s grasping for someone to help her come up with some sort of logical loophole that will allow her to cheat and to stay married. She knows it’s not there, but I suspect that it is her nature to think she entitled to get around the system and get more than the average bear.
At the end of the day, she knows it ain’t gonna happen…she just really wants it to because those hunky boys give her quite the high. She made the right choice before and if this is not just about physical cravings, she’ll make the right choice again.
Okay, I keep poking at this, pretty much like everyone else who has a heart and a soul and a marriage.
First off, She’s off to a pastor, which to me says she understands this is a matter of grave importance: vows, souls, commitments and character. If she was not a woman of great character, she’d have ravished the young man in question on her desk in her office pretty much the first time he batted his eye-lashes at her. Since that hasn’t happened, and she is grieving- not just upset about toothbrushes, batteries, capacity and so on, we can assume she is a woman of character and strong spiritual fiber. That fiber is getting tested. Strong stuff gets tested- weak stuff breaks, and never gets to the test in the first place. CSLewis, rusty bicycles and all that. She’s at the pastor’s office, so she knows the territory and the battlefield.
Second, she’s heading to the local pastor. Who knows the bible, inside and out, and yet hasn’t talked about David, Michal, Bathsheba, Abishag. If she were in the hands of a Jungian therapist, there would have been meditations on the Fisher King ( even that strange movie with Robin Williams) on Tristan, Isolde, King Mark, there would have been readings of King Arthur, Queen Guinevere, Lancelot- all the versions, since some say she cheated, and others Lance and her struggled with what was right and honorable. In other words, she would be treated as a serious person living through the struggles of western civilization in her own life, as an archetype. There would be sympathy, and wisdom, we hope.
One thing that has been jettisoned in the modern age is a narrative about women and faith. Not Christian faith- but….we have Little Women, and all its descendants- four women friends with men peripheral. Men do show up- but as side characters, and not particularly….anyway- Sex and the City is a descendant of that form of literature. There isn’t longing and agony and private emotions, I guess is the way to put it. There isn’t a loving, orderly God over it all, which makes sense, b/c Louisa May Alcott had a particularly inept father and no functioning Christian faith. She can’t write what she doesn’t know. I’m honestly curious about what girls’ lit was like, around the same time- why has LMA survived, and the rest, not?
The second major strand of American women’s lit is the romance. Which means the girl desires, the girl gets. Pretty quickly, and very satisfyingly, and all that.
But there isn’t a middle category- a girl desires, a girl seethes with passion, and a girl is denied. Or she is required to fit herself to decency- waiting until marriage, not sleeping with the pizza boy, etc…. There hasn’t been much sublimation, and there hasn’t been much literature. There’s the on-switch, the off-switch, and no discussions about if there ought to be light in the room at all, and when or sitting in the dark, smoking cigarettes.
So our poor Letter-Writer hasn’t much help from culture- pop, high or low, movies, music, novels…….Ms Rogers is having to go back to pre- 60′s, to find anything of use and value. And the thing is- they are of use. They are of value. She’s got the high-end stuff. The lower-brow stuff covered the same areas.
Second, we have a husband in very poor health. Very, very, very poor health. But we don’t have an exit. Would you, any of you, wish to be cast aside and mocked at your lowest point? We all say “in sickness and in health…” it’s a vow. We are all, more or less, crossing our fingers when we make that vow. It’s the nature of being human- we want the health part.
I wonder about the state of Stephen Hawkings marriage. He’s growing rageful. He left his first wife for a nurse, which perplexes all the people around him. His first wife got the “…in sicknes…” short lollipop stick- and stuck around. We have no idea what made him drive her off. He then commits to a nurse, and then begins raging at the universe. We may assume the first wife has some health that he’s not party to? Perhaps?
That’s a side detail, but- think about it- we have that the husband is quite incapacitated, and yet still deeply loves his wife, as she deeply loves him. Would you support a Mrs Hawking stepping out on her husband? Why, or why not? The Letter-Writer loves her husband. He must be a remarkable man, even now. He can’t have been beta, when she married him. Nobody willing marries a beta. She had a career, optimism, and high standards. She fell for a great guy and said ” I want to marry you and have your babies.” Notice the plural. How many kids to betas have, anyway? One? with allergies? enough that they decide to get spayed together, to prevent more of such weaklings? They had more than one, which suggests heat, to me. It’s really hard to go back and tap that, once the first one is on the scene. I’ve got three, and it was hard enough to find private time in the first place, to even get to being pregnant. So we can assume some major heat, between kids, careers, ambitions….
Okay, the third element that trips everyone up. The letter-writer claims to have been highly sexually charged as a twenty-something person. That she hooked up by highly sexual men, as well. And finally learned to hook up with a better man. From the outrage and snide comments, I’m assuming people are reading “game”theory- she was used up by alphas and settled on a beta? Do guys- really- do guys really accept themselves as an alpha or a beta? Would they wear tee-shirts in public, saying this?
First off, she was single. That’s what you do when you are single- date lots of guys. How far you go, and what you do, is pretty conventionally ambient- you do what your friends do. In the eighties, when if I’m counting right, she was single, Madonna was doing her first hits “like a virgin” ( not- a virgin) and things like that, Camille Paglia was going on about sexual personae, and aids was for gay guys, not the rest of us. And, well, it was the eighties, and everyone was happy, cheerful, employed, wages were going up, it was the start of the Reagan Revolution. She was a part of it all. We can tell- she’s taken her energy and applied it to her career, and she’s proud of her career. She’s proud of her marriage, and her kids. That’s a lot of optimism.
The thing is- she’s thinking she was highly sexed and only dated attractive guys. Well, that’s sort of your twenties, too. Nobody gets up and says,” ooh yeah, I sympathy- f***ed a wet noodle last night.” Everybody is pretty sure their vision of hot is really, really hot. Even me. And I have to end the physical description of the guy I’d crawl through broken glass to be with, with ‘okay- you can laugh now.’ And he was totally hot from my perspective.
What if she’d said she had an interest in, say, guys who go to comic- book conventions. She’d get pinwheeled eyes from large, voluminous, polyester satin cloaks wrapped around her, and the slick feeling of spandex-tight clothes all over his muscles….we’d laugh, but concede that for her- that’s smokin’. Right now, we’re all inserting some picture of, I don’t know, matthew mcconaughey in a button-down. it might not be like that. She’s learning now- it wasn’t the guys who were hot- it was her.
And equipment, drives and paraphilias. She has a specific vision of what does not violate her integrity. Rape- is someone sticking their manly parts up your private parts. Sex with your husband is someone sticking their manly parts up your private parts. And only Andrea Dworkin thinks they are the same thing. Integrity, intention, relationship determine what the yeck is going on. It’s part of what’s so confusing right now. We had a box for husbands, that got bigger for boyfriends, and now may or may not include hookups and rape allegations. The word integrity is still in play, but we aren’t sure how, or what it’s for, or how to respect it, or anything.
The letter-writer strongly feels that using equipment violates her integrity. Fine. I can think of that scene in North Dallas Forty where the corrupt quarterback is talking about how he messed up his back- up quarterback…” I never saw a guy crying so hard while having so much fun….”
And paraphilias. Don’t play for those who aren’t interested. Seriously, collectively, people don’t use condoms, which are the smallest latex paraphilias around. Or remember to take their pill. Which makes them about three months pregnant. Nobody goes for the big, all-body latex suits. Nobody expects for guys to get hot and bothered over random pregnant chicks in bikinis. They don’t like them big, they don’t like them little. Why should we expect her to like them big or little, either? It’s not normal. That’s why people who like them fake data. They want to feel normal, even though they know they aren’t. You wouldn’t want to hook up with a squid, no matter how many times you see that odd Japanese woodcut on the wall of Bert Cooper in Mad Men. So, if squid doesn’t work for you, let’s not recommend squid for her.
And, now, let us jeer at the twenty-something man who is trying to hump the leg of his supervisor. He’s married, he’s oozing sex at the office. Why isn’t he buttoning up at the office, for that restrained yet passionate presence, and then letting loose at the local fern bar? Too much competition? Why is he married? He was forced into it? Or he was shocked anyone fell for him? Why isn’t he calling home with smutty hot messages for his young wife? She likes hot guys- she married him. Why is he holding out on her?
He travels a lot. Why isn’t he cell-phone pixing his room, and texting her- I’d have you right here on this hotel bedspread? We’d put the biggest glow-light stain on it, ever! B/c I’m he-man and you are Jane-woman! My Jane-woman! Mine! Mine! Mine! urgh, ugh, whatever turns them on.
I’m thinking it’s maybe b/c he’s got a pretty shallow bag of tricks, and his wife scares him a little? He’s not diving into that ocean? He’s staying on the beach and talking smack about being Jacques Cousteau to the one woman who won’t, and legally can’t- call him on it? That he’s surprised as she is, that she’s interested? If she hunted at the office- we wouldn’t have this letter. She’d have already couged there, and been fired, or transferred, herself. she’s got a good career that she’s proud of-so we know that’s not true. As it is- she’s surprised, he’s surprised, he’s going “oh sh—, I’ve got to put out! Help, mommy!”
And, they travel. Why has he not packed latex exercise bands? Or found the gym at the hotel? Or found the concierge for local concerts and museums? Or found bookstores? Or- anything that makes him a man of substance and worldly pursuits? Why’s he texting his boss at night from his hotel room. That’s weak. That’s lame. That’s not cool. Google Cartman Awesome-O, for the proper intonation of these insults.
He’s trying to shoot the cow in the corral, not go hunting wild buffalo on the plains, if that is his avocation, anyway. No skill, no talent, no real kevorka. ( that would be seinfeld, kramer, and so on, for kevorka.)
So, this poor woman is married to a super-hot who is incapacitated. she’s finding out that ” in sickness…” bit means “In sickness, no kidding,really…” which nobody plans on. She’s doing her job just fine… and then Awesome-O goes and tries to hump her leg, and she’s just not prepared to handle it, or forewarned and forearmed by culture- she just thinks she’s on this awful, lonely island all by herself. And she’s not. She’s on a recognisable peninsula of human experience. not a thrilling one. not one with a map. let’s have some sympathy, folks.
Twice, now, I’ve had to compliment you. Righteous extended meditation, Ari.
59. Terence57
“When it comes to the choice of a husband, a woman with a high sex drive and high emotional intelligence faces a Hobson’s choice: she’s in a lose-lose situation.
If she chooses to marry a highly-sexed chick magnet whose sex drive will match her own, she’ll find herself with a husband who’s missing in action much of the time because he’s either being pursued by other women, or he’s pursuing them. When he’s home, she’ll be in seventh heaven, except for the time it’ll take him to catch up on the sleep he lost on the road. When he’s away, she often can’t reach him, as her calls to his cell phone go directly to voicemail while he satisfies one woman after another, and, of course, Numero Uno, first and foremost. Every “relationship” is all about him.”
Late when I read the above. I felt uneasy about it then even as I am deeply bothered by it now, in the brighter hours.
For the same reason as Ari “… I keep poking at this, pretty much like everyone else who has a heart and a soul and a marriage…”
To entertain, at baseline, that the premise of two persons of mutual sexual and emotional development is suspect because THE MAN is attractive (and let’s assume that the pair are) is a miserable supposition on its face.
To couple that supposition with the writer’s personal info, that, “It’s hard for me to accept that I have to give up sex at 50, especially since I’m fit and look 40…” and be told, at the same time by Ms. Rogers (again, from the above quote) “If she [or someone] chooses to marry a highly-sexed chick magnet whose sex drive will match her own, she’ll find herself with a husband who’s missing in action much of the time because he’s either being pursued by other women, or he’s pursuing them…” puts on frank display Ms. Rogers biases.
It is not only possible, but desirable that the human drama be played out by persons of mutual standing; emotional, spiritual, sexual and intellectual. We approximate that in our happier circumstances often enough to put the lie to the stereotypical predator male…or female.
To Terence57: With all the respect that’s due from one pseudonymous online commenter to another, what you just wrote is a load of crap. Only in an abstract world do couples “of mutual standing; emotional, spiritual, sexual and intellectual” find happiness more consistently than the rest of us slobs who are less equally-coupled. In the real world, compatibility is extremely complex, depending on countless factors besides common IQ, EQ, faith and sex drive. To take just 2 examples, DNA and personal character are both hugely important.
Ms. Rogers is addressing the real world. In the real world, a high proportion of good-looking, oversexed alpha males fail to develop good character, partly because their good looks and oversexed, alpha status let them get away with it for a very long time. Pointing out this obvious fact is not “bias.” It’s reality.
Well, there it is! Glad to have that bit of business settled. I have been startled to wakefulness. Thank you.
Like you JPL17, I read Terence 57′s comment, but couldn’t to get back to the site until now. I planned to respond to its illogical misreading of the article, but you beat me to it. You pinpointed the fallacy in his response. When a writer/blogger accurately describes reality and a reader complains that the reality isn’t to his liking and blames the messenger, he doesn’t do himself any favors. You nailed it. Well done.
Since my very brief account of Ms. Rogers characterization of highly sexed males vs. highly sexed females has met with deliberate misinterpretation by its respondents, I surrender to the temptation to commit adultery…in my mind.
There. It feels so good just to let go…
I will miss reading Ari (who probably should have her own column) and a few others. Responding to Ms. Rogers or the writers who precipitate her columns has been, over the course of several of her entries, like trying…to…move…through…heavy…syrup.
Sorry to have darkened the doorway, folks, but PJ’s has plenty of items on the menu and plenty of intelligent respondents, highly sexed and otherwise!
Ironic for me that at the same time I found out Ms Rogers enjoyed Henry James I have to say good-by to her cohort because I won’t be checking into this segment of PJ’s again.
By the way, check out James’ “Stories of Writers and Artists.” An old Eng. prof of mine used to get together with me and we’d go over a story, sometimes for days. Great stuff, there.
Best, T
Dear Worried and Willing in Washington DC,
I have a similar problem as you. Perhaps if you get an answer to your problem, you can help me with mine.
I’m writing for help with adultery, which I haven’t committed yet. I’ve spent hours discussing Exodus 20:14 with my clergyman. Even so, I’m still tempted.
I’m a highly well-to-do woman married to a man less wealthy than me.. I had a series of painful affairs with wealthy hunks who loved me and left me in my twenties. After a decade of several of them, I was blessed to marry a great husband in every way but one: he is not rich. I don’t want to be unfaithful. I have an healthy bank account and a great job, where I’ve worked hard for half my life, 25 of my 50 years. Among my responsibilities is to mentor a subordinate of mine, a 25-year-old married man. He wants me to become his lover. I’m sorely tempted. We travel a great deal together for work without our spouses so the possibility is always looking me in the eye.
My 15-year marriage has blessed me with two wonderful children, as well as every satisfaction and joy I could hope for, except one. My husband has seen many career counselors and job recruiters but the problem appears to be permanent and unresponsive to improving the dysfunction he suffers. Having tried many, I’m not comfortable using fantasy to pretend he has lots of money or watching Dallas on TV. Rather than stimulate me, all that turns me off.
My young subordinate at work has trust fund statements filling his in-box and his wallet is so big and sexy. He is also funny, perceptive and tells me he desires me more than any woman in his life. He pays enormous attention to me, which is hard to ignore. I know our co-workers have picked up the vibes between us. It’s hard for me to accept that I have to give up having a rich spouse at 50, especially since I’m fit and look 40. I want to do right by my husband, but I’m not made of stone. I feel lust for the money that I see in this young guy 24/7. It’s agony. My guilt over my lust is also with me 24/7, and that, too, is agony. What should I do? What can I do?
Worried in CA
1) Worried and willing, you respectfully referred to your husband as having a condition with which he suffers. This is true. He is suffering. His main sense of identity of being a man is his penis, along with his accomplishments to make you happy. His manliness concept is not drawn from tasks you two do equally well, but things only he can do. Please give neither your mind, body, nor soul to another man or you’ll take away the rest of your husband’s life.
2) Tell your husband no man holds a candle to him, and mean it. Live it. The feedback you’ll receive for your genuine actions of being an angel of a wife will surpass, and be stronger, than what you’re doing currently to pretend.
3) Suffer with him. Think of John Edwards cheating on his wife with cancer. It’s possible she may not have been a pleasurable person to be around for years, but during cancer, it’s definitely not the time for less than a spouse’s unwavering support and security.
4) Your husband didn’t elect his condition. It isn’t his fault. One particular category of sexual dissatisfaction is not more justified than another for cheating. Yet many women almost proudly use this justification. It’s a rather disgusting double-standard. Men who cheat are described in a 100 different negative ways. Yet when women cheat, they’re often described as tragically lonely next to men who do not satisfy them.
5) All cheating is unsatisfied desires. I’ll tell you why below. Regardless of the many labels put on male cheaters, I can definitely tell you the odds are he’s seeking more than the famously stated “ego boost.”
6) It’s in your mind. Your body will be fine. If you are beautiful and desiring of fun before your days are up, please know this is your mind (and I know almost exactly what you feel). A lack of character ruins your looks, just as a handsome man who lies becomes ugly.
7) You have survived to this point. You haven’t died. It appears circumstances may have helped you remain faithful. Now it’s uncharted waters and you’ll have to carry the whole load. You can do it. You really, truly, can.
I’m out of time and perhaps an interested audience, since I saw this days ago and was too busy to respond. I will try hard to return, if it matters.
A truly delicious article. And the URL is a crack-up, almost Freudian, don’t you think?
I will have to be the party pooper on this.
Imagine you lose your husband.
Imagine you lose your children.
Imagine you lose your job.
Was it worth it?
Of course, has she talked about sexual surrogacy. Heck, if she is not religious and it is really about just the sex, I am sure in Washington you could find some psychiatrist operating such an operation, it is Washington.
The answer is pretty simple. It’s wrong. Don’t do it. End of story.
well, it seems Ms Belladonna and not so few readers missed a point:
-SHE can’t have sex anymore with her husband!
it is not:
“he is not as sexy as before”, nor “we f*ck once per day/week” and I need more”, it is not “our sex life becomes unintersting”.
==> those would have earned (or not) your comments that looks like “Rhooo, stop being a B*tch in heat and try to use your head… and as a bonus I’ll give you advices to help you do that as I understand it is not easy”.
it is : Her husband medically cannot do IT anymore….: ” *quote* he can’t have traditional sex with me any more.*/quote*”
so I think that while Belladonna’s advices totally correspond to the article title, it absolutly doesn’t answer nor help that woman.
The solution to the question: “no sex life with my husband, how to manage ?” CANNOT BE “manage it by being strong in heart and endure not having any sex life.”.;. that’s so WRONG!
To respond to her I would have thought about “don’t go with that young stud but find another solution to relieve your needs”; think about finding a solution with her husband. see if the husband would allow her to do “swapping”, or find a fantasy of the couple that would allow both of them something. Or maybe the use of some miracle pill on him (or not), or find what kind of “non-traditionnal sex life HE can manage” .. Etc
I’m not saying that anything I said just before are good/ethic/moral/constructive solutions… but I think they beat the “no sex life? … endure, you’re married”.
What an interesting thread.
The situation faced by Worried and Willing is no different that what many middle-aged husbands face: There is still a tiger in the tank but a spouse who is unwilling or unable.
Some men seek release outside of the marriage and most look disapprovingly upon those who choose that path.
The real men understand that the phrase ‘forsake all others’ is more than just empty words. They realize that this was the contract they signed up for and they honor it.
comment
If some one wants to be updated with newest technologies then he must be go
to see this web site and be up to date daily.