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Ho Ho Ho! It’s the Perfect Democratic Candidate!

Torn between Obama and Hillary? Dissatisfied with all of the Democratic presidential hopefuls? Burt Prelutsky has a revolutionary proposal. He's a seasoned - and seasonal - candidate.

by
Burt Prelutsky

Bio

December 25, 2007 - 1:00 am

I keep hearing various political pundits suggesting that by the time Hillary and Barack finish beating up on each other they’ll both be so bloodied and mud-splattered that Al Gore will be poised to ride in like a knight in shiny armor and capture his party’s nomination. I must admit it sounds pretty far-fetched. Frankly, the only thing that makes me think the pundits might be right this time around is that Al Gore is on record as stating that he absolutely, positively, has no intention of ever again running for president.

Like every other person who has sought the office, Gore would have to pretend that he doesn’t really want to be the most powerful man on earth. He would have to try to convince us that it’s only for our own good and for the good of the planet, of course, that he would make this ultimate sacrifice. The remarkable thing is that he would be able to convince over 50 million people that he was sincere. After all, if 52 million Americans were willing to cast their votes for the horse-faced hypocrite, John Kerry, it would be foolish to think that a like number wouldn’t troop out next November to vote for the man who’s warned us all that Topeka, Kansas, will very soon be an ocean-front community.

I honestly don’t understand why liberals are always so anxious to settle for the likes of Obama, Edwards, Clinton and Gore. After all, what do they offer us? John Edwards has pretty much promised that no working man will ever lose his job. All that means is that 25 million of us will be flipping burgers if he’s elected. Obama has vowed to bring us all together, although he hasn’t explained how he’ll pull off that trick, seeing how far apart we are when it comes to abortion, capital punishment, the war in Iraq, same-sex marriage, raising taxes, gun ownership, Iran’s nuclear plans, school vouchers, the Palestinians, Supreme Court appointments, Islamic terrorism and whether Brad Pitt was right to leave Jennifer for Angelina.

For her part, Hillary offers us universal health care, a chicken in every pot and four more years of Bill back in the White House chasing chicks.

It seems to me that if the Democrats were really smart, they’d forget about running any of these second-raters and, instead, run the man who best represents everything the left-wingers stand for. And, no, I certainly don’t mean George Soros, the fellow who taught me to hate capitalism through his own example. I just figured that any economic system that allowed a person who’s never produced a product or created a darn thing to somehow accumulate four billion dollars must have something basically wrong with it.

The fellow I have in mind is none other than Santa Claus.

Old Saint Nick goes around bestowing gifts on those who haven’t worked for them, just like the Democrats, who do the same for the chronically unemployed and illegal aliens. And just as the little people do all the heavy lifting for Santa, the Democrats have their own set of elves; namely the middle-class taxpayers. Furthermore, Santa is obviously a liberal. Even though he, himself, only works one day a year, he thinks he’s entitled to decide who’s naughty and who’s nice.

Television writer Burt Prelutsky is the author of The Secret of Their Success: Interviews with Legends & Luminaries.
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