Have a Merry Government-Regulated Christmas
The following is the transcript of the speech President Barack Obama gave for this holiday season.
My fellow Americans, as you spend time with your family this holiday season, I have an important proposal for you all to consider. Many of you like to celebrate Christmas. Children love to wake up Christmas morning and go see all the presents waiting under the tree. But what about the children who don’t get any presents? What happens with them? The United States Marines have their Toys for Tots program, but that just attacks the symptom. We need a real solution, and that means tackling what is at the heart of the problem: Santa Claus.
For too long, present-giving has been held hostage by the whims of this single man who is accountable to no one. Bearded, obese, and probably mentally unstable, Santa is someone we obviously don’t want near our children. He’s even somehow associated with known malcontent Jesus Christ (I’m not quite sure who he is, but I remember Jeremiah Wright mentioning him once or twice so I assume he has something to do with the creation of the AIDS virus).
Every year, Santa engages in some sort of domestic spying program, watching our children like a pedophile in wait, and he determines which children are “naughty” or “nice.” His methods for determining this are unknown; we also can’t know whether there is a racial disparity in these lists. He then makes his presents for the select few using non-union elf labor and comes to our neighborhoods in an unregistered sleigh pulled by disease-bearing caribou. Then Santa breaks into our houses and engages in his personal form of justice, leaving presents for the children he arbitrarily deems “good” and coal for the children he labels “bad.” This is the worst form of vigilante justice — even worse than anything Batman would do — as it targets children.
Some would say we are helpless to fight the tyranny of Santa and must do nothing, lest he harms our kids; others say we must end Christmas and abolish all gift-giving. This is a false choice. We can have Christmas and presents, and we can be free of the judgmental madman known as Santa. What we need is a government takeover of the Christmas business.
The government has always made knowing the needs of its citizens its specialty, and the FBI already has extensive files on everyone, so we know who is naughty and who is nice. So what entity is better qualified to give gifts to all of its citizens? Plus, our methods would be open to the public — to a certain extent (you may need to file an FOIA request). Furthermore, we would make sure everyone receives gifts. Everyone. And best of all, it will be deficit neutral. In fact, it will actually reduce the deficit through efficiencies and through confiscating magic fairy dust from the North Pole and applying it to the budget.
Already, some are trying to scare you, saying this government takeover means you won’t get quality presents or there will be long delays in receiving them. This is false. I am a pro-present president. In fact, as a legislator, my favorite thing to vote was “present.” Let me be clear. Everyone will get the present he or she wants. And there will be no primitive moralizing to decide who is worthy of receiving gifts, and there will especially be no coal in anyone’s stocking, as that will be made illegal under cap and trade. That’s right: A Merry Christmas for all with gifts you’ll enjoy, and it will not cost you a single dime more. Not one dime.
Here is my plan. You will submit your lists to the newly-appointed Gift-Giving Committee, which will be headed by my present czar. The present czar will then record all these present suggestions and, keeping in mind the Christmas budget, get you something you want — or something similar or related to it — or better yet, something you need. This means gifts such as educational toys for children, abortions for teenagers, compact fluorescent light bulbs for adults, and euthanasia for seniors (which may or may not be optional, considering whatever version of health care reform passes).
And now you’ll be free from the burden of appeasing Santa, as the committee considers all children to be nice … unless they have shown discriminatory or intolerant behavior. You’ll also be free from having to buy gifts yourself, as that will result in imprisonment for gift-giving inequality. And, once again, there will be no new taxes for any of this, except for the wealthy — the wealthy being defined as anyone who buys excessive luxuries, such as tinsel, eggnog, trees, or colorful blinking lights, which will all be subjected to heavy holiday taxes.
The time for talk is over; the time for gift wish lists writing is now. So let’s get this started. Just go ahead and address the letters you’d normally write to Santa to me instead. And to help us meet the gift delivery date of December 25, it would be really helpful if you would tell me what you think you’ll want three years from now. And if some of you wouldn’t mind celebrating your Christmas later — possibly into the next year — please let me know; otherwise we’ll just have to randomly choose people.
So let’s all have a merry and, better yet, an equal and government-regulated Christmas.
A government-employed psychologist in the UK just made waves over there with an official pronouncement that Santa is a bad role model because of his “risky” behaviors, like being “morbidly obese” and driving at high speed at night without wearing a seatbelt (the whole “sleigh and reindeer” thing). Not to mention consuming the sherry and brandy that is left out for him in Europe along with the cookies. He urged that everyone demand a skinny, healthy Santa. Or just stop celebrating Christmas altogether(probably as an “existential” protest).
He either forgot (or more likely just didn’t know) that “Kris Kringle” originally was skinny, in fact almost gaunt. Because his origins in Northern Europe in the 16th Century coincided with the worst part of the “Little Ice Age”, which caused famines throughout that region. It’s also why Germany, Poland, etc. have traditionally raised a lot of rye as opposed to wheat; the rye plant is more tolerant of cool weather and short growing seasons than most wheat strains. (When you’re a farm kid in Ohio, you learn this kind of thing about the time you learn to walk.)
“Santa” only “got fat” about the middle of the 18th Century, when he became a symbol of people’s thankfulness for the harvests the change in grain planting had brought. Because it meant people weren’t starving in the wintertime.
The trouble with satire is that just when you’ve come up with what you think is a good one, the genuine loons who are now running our governments beat you to the punch by coming up with something even more bizarrely improbable and demented.
The difference being, of course, that unlike you, they are in deadly earnest.
Merry Christmas. (Just don’t get caught celebrating.)
clear ether
eon
When will you racist hatemongers cease your vile attacks on President Obama?
You are finished. You have no power anymore.
Just shut up and pay the reparations so richly deserved by those whom you racist and sexist white males have exploited and oppressed.
Just shut up, pay up, and go away.
Call it Gristmas. Funny piece. I’m too pissed off about the country electing a bunch of commies to laugh.
Howcum the fat man was able to sneak around all these years in that socialist red outfit.
The individual in charge of the Bureau of Knowing Everything needs to ‘splain this in clear terms.
‘ho, ‘ho’, ho’. Figuratively and literally.
Heh.
You missed the part about “bending the cost curve” on Christmas….
BBB
I am a pro-present president. In fact, as a legislator, my favorite thing to vote was “present.”
Priceless.
Well done, Frank. One of your very best.
#2 Yes We Did: I believe, dear, you need lessons in reality – if you are sincere in what you wrote. The “racist” angle has been overplayed so much that it no longer has what little effect it had in the first place. And instead of just calling names, why don’t you give reasons for what you believe? I have noticed that Democrats revert to name calling instead of having an intelligent conversation or debate. What I am saying, I believe, is: GROW UP!
“Germany, Poland, etc. have traditionally raised a lot of rye as opposed to wheat”
The resultant ergotism may have something to do with the flying reindeer visions, and — make no mistake — certainly accounts for the Current Occupant of That Office.
Here’s progress: an environmental group has succeeded in getting New Year’s Eve fireworks canceled in my city of San Diego. It will probably also be the end of our Fourth of July fireworks as well.
@1: “Germany, Poland, etc. have traditionally raised a lot of rye as opposed to wheat”
There’s a fine line between egotism and ergotism.
Left/liberal fascists have no sense of humor. They’ll actually take this seriously and/or think it’s a good idea.
Sue asked:
And instead of just calling names, why don’t you give reasons for what you believe?
Reasons? Most Obama supporters have never heard of reason.
I’m pretty sure #2 was extreme sarcasm
Otherwise the ending would have been,
“Just shut up, pay up, and pay up, and pay up, and pay up, and pay up……”
A truly Progessive Santa is not obese, but thin. He is not red, but instead is the environmentally friendly color of green. In other words, he looks like the Grinch…
So Barack Obama dies and like all Presidents, goes to hell.
he is greeted by Satan as the elevator doors open
and Satan exclaims, “Barry! Old buddy! I’ve been your number one fan since you started turning tricks for that slumlord right out of college, I always knew you were going places!”
Obama says, “You know Satan, I’m not sure about this whole Eternal Damnation thing…is there anyway to talk my way out of this one?”
To this Satan replies, “Because your oratorial skills came directly from me, you will not be able to use them against me. But because you have been my favored for so long I’ll make an exception for you: You get to pick your own private hell.”
So Satan takes Barry to the hall of Presidential Damnation….
In the first room they visit GW Bush, whose private Hell is an eternal spelling bee where he is stung by bees every single time he misspells a word.
In the next room they find Bill Clinton whose Personal Hell is an eternal interrogation where he is electrocuted every single time he tells a fib.
In the third room we simply see Ronald Reagan tied to a bed naked getting serviced by Jane Wyman…
So Satan turns to Barry and says, “well Barry, you’ve seen your choices for eternal damnation, which do you think would be best for you?”
Merry Xmas!
Barry stands and considers this set of choices with his considerable intellect then says, “Well Satan, I can’t actually spell worth a damn, as you must know… I didn’t actually write either of my books.”
To this Satan says, “Yes, but it was a fantastic ruse!”
Barry says, “And as you know, I have issues with objective fact and if I can’t talk my way out of anything here… the interrogation won’t work for me.”
Satan says, “Yes, you cannot use my gifts against me in my own domain.”
So Barry smiles and says, “Well,after much deliberation, I guess it’s going to have to be room number three.”
Satan smiles widely then laughs and says, “Jane, you may leave now.”
@Tom, Good one : )
Is there any legal way to expunge BHO`s presidency from our nations history? Can we pretend the 44th president never existed?
Is there a legal way to expunge BHO`s presidency from our national records? Pretend it never happened?
Beto – there was a time I would have said #2 was “obviously” satire. But these days you never know.
18-19. Bad idea. Those who do not study and learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Never forget what a disaster he has been.
I am for doing away with the whole teaching of superstition and myth and all the republican ,right wing lies about christianity .It is all about money and no republican or christian believer will ever enter into the kingdom of god.
The Dem apologists for a Democratic Party that’s sending the U.S. deficit into the stratosphere; sending the cost of insurance premiums up 50% over the next four years; taxing the daylights out of the middle class; taking a meat cleaver to our defense budget instead of a scalpel; dismantling our operational missile defense shield; promoting class warfare that’s reminiscent of what Goebbels did to the Jews; failing to do anything about our dependence on foreign oil; have apologized for the immoral, illegal acts of their President and supporters using misstatements, deception and outright lies.
In fact, these Dem apologists and their congressional and Obama administrational co-conspiratorial tax cheats, mortgage cheats, race card throwers, socialist; fascist supporters, unborn slaughterers; free enterprise hit men; and constitutional shredders have succeeded in only two things.
One, jamming a Sick/Anti healthcare scheme through the Bill making process, one that’s destined to be rescinded in 2013.
And, two, accumulating enough Frequent Liar miles to circle the globe roughly 20,000 times.
The Democratic Party has shown their true colors; not red, white and blue, but socialist red. They’ve failed miserably in
their duty to preserve, protect and defend the constitution.
And on this board, we have their feckless, insipid, horribly ignorant apologists who are the moral equivalents of church
bombers, cross burners and child molesters. For they support not just unborn slaughter, but the ruination of our children’s and children’s
children’s American Dream. They’re like the Japanese rampaging though the Army hospitals at Corregidor bayoneting sick GI’s. They can
be likened to the terrorists who hit the twin towers on 9/11 causing people to jump to their deaths rather than be burned alive. They’re
the mirror image of a Lee Harvey Oswald blowing out the brains of a man who took the oath of office and lived that oath of office.
In many disgusting, disquieting, disgraceful, disingenuous ways, the Dem apologists on this board are the absolute scum of the earth; not just blatant liars, but 5th columnists working toward the overthrow of the America that time after time has saved the world from small men out to enslave the world.
In time, they will exit this world, bitter, blathering bastards, probably raised by Godless parents in a valueless household; bred to attack every
ideal on which this great country was founded. On this Christmas Day, though I pray for them, I despise what they stand for while indicting them
for trying to create for our children an America that’s on life support.
Like a horrible tooth cavity that’s infecting one’s entire body with disease and unfathomable pain, these miscreants about which I speak must be
rooted out from under the rocks of sham, scam and travesty under which they live, and held up to the light of day; of truth so all can observe their venomous nature and enslaving, nightmarish, dreams.
These creepshow creatures have attacked our way of life to such an extent that ignoring them is no longer an option. Like a low life criminal is
dealt with by numerous Clint Eastwood characters, these loathsome pukes need to be immersed in the wrath of public opinion so this Republic can regain its sea legs and be whole once again.
Like a sand castle built at the waters edge, the administration of today headed by Barry Obambi will also one day be washed away, the beach swept clean. But unlike the beach, where the action of the waves will carry all the debris and unwanted junk out to sea leaving the shoreline clean, as if it were ready for a new beginning, the current administration will be leaving behind a legacy of corrupt, incompetent scoundrels and grifters whose only contribution to the American legacy is how badly they’ve damaged our country. We will eventually be rid of Barry Obambi and his crew of slavishly drooling boot heel licking acolytes but it might be decades before we can undo the damage his health reform, cap and tax, and other “reforms” have done.
22. suddencall: – I can’t decide if your statement is poorly conceived, or just poorly expressed. Are you seriously suggesting that Christians can’t get into Heaven because they’re Christian? That a believer in the Kingdom of God will never be able to enter the Kingdom of God simply because they believe? Seriously, I know it’s the holidays and all, but you need to stop freebasing the eggnog. It’s not good for you.
“It is all about money and no republican or christian believer will ever enter into the kingdom of god.”
Neither will people who claim to speak for God.
“Bearded, obese, and probably mentally unstable, Santa is someone we obviously don’t want near our children.”
According to NPR, the new buzzword is “mentally disturbed.” A convenient and timely redefinition no?
Word to the wise: don’t read any gifts from Congress.
23. rachel peepers:
Democrats are the moral equivalents of, let’s see . . . “church bombers, cross burner, child molesters . . . (supporting) the ruination of our children’s and children’s children’s American Dream . . . like the Japanese rampaging though the Army hospitals at Corregidor bayoneting sick GI’s . . . the terrorists who hit the twin towers on 9/11 causing people to jump to their deaths rather than be burned alive . . . Lee Harvey Oswald . . . disgusting, disquieting, disgraceful, disingenuous . . . absolute scum of the earth . . . blatant liars, . . . bitter, blathering bastards, probably raised by Godless parents in a valueless household . . . loathsome pukes . . . On this Christmas Day, though I pray for them.
So, that’s your Christmas homily, eh? Wow, Travis Bickle would be proud. I think a little more vaseline on that slide mechanism and the .45 will pop right out of your sleeve, slicker than snot. Keen, huh?
I think I can speak for liberals, Democrats and all other mature, consistent and patriotic Americans when I say you can keep your prayers. They’re empty, meaningless – a blasphemous affront to God and to all people who truly believe. You know nothing about his created nature or the pathways he gives us to discern his presence and learn his lessons. And you’re giving the good people of central Illinois a bad name. Will God forgive you? In the words of Lyle Lovett, “God will, but I won’t. God does but I don’t, and that’s the difference between God and me.”
Time to break out the Ativan again, peeps. You’re losing connection.
Gee #22 what other constitutional rights do you want to do away with? And wow it is usually you guys who throw up the “judge not lest you be judged” so I guess I pass on it. Can’t believe I’m being barred from heaven for being a republican and a Christian.
“Bearded, obese, and probably mentally unstable . . . ”
I’m not sure, but I think that’s Jonah Goldberg.
“Santa Claus wears a red suit – he’s a communist!
Has a beard and long hair – must be a pacifist!
What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
- Arlo Guthrey, some song he wrote.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Great article, Frank!
Oh come on now; we know Obambi didn’t write this on two accounts:
1. it implies that he’s only semi-literate, so unless this was dictated to him by the sacred TelePromtTer, I’m not going for it.
2. The terms “Christmas” and “Christmas tree” were used, thereby exposing this as a fake…kinda like the man himself.
This would seem more credible if the transcript had been addressed to a bunch of foreigners stating that “America is not a Christian nation…and we’re still a bit iffy on that whole Santa Claus issue. But Mohammed? Totally legit.”
we don’t have to ‘pretend’ there was no 44th pres. We had 43 presidents and a teleprompter.
Isn’t it funny how “Now & Then” responded to Rachel Peepers without actually addressing or refuting what she said? All he(?) did was start the invective.
“You’re all meanies & big ol’ stupid heads!!!”
And that’s the best they can come up with. It’s like explaining the economic principles of Thomas Sowell & Milton Friedman to newborn chimpanzees.
I know the “progressives” think they’re trolling, but not even Kurt Vonnegut could write rambling trash this amusing…
Please – keep responding, N&T; this is the Christmas cheer I was waiting for.
What delusional bs.
At least the Feds gave us a Christmas present his year!
http://robvstate.com/2009/12/24/happy-holidays/