The following is the transcript of the speech President Barack Obama gave for this holiday season.
My fellow Americans, as you spend time with your family this holiday season, I have an important proposal for you all to consider. Many of you like to celebrate Christmas. Children love to wake up Christmas morning and go see all the presents waiting under the tree. But what about the children who don’t get any presents? What happens with them? The United States Marines have their Toys for Tots program, but that just attacks the symptom. We need a real solution, and that means tackling what is at the heart of the problem: Santa Claus.
For too long, present-giving has been held hostage by the whims of this single man who is accountable to no one. Bearded, obese, and probably mentally unstable, Santa is someone we obviously don’t want near our children. He’s even somehow associated with known malcontent Jesus Christ (I’m not quite sure who he is, but I remember Jeremiah Wright mentioning him once or twice so I assume he has something to do with the creation of the AIDS virus).
Every year, Santa engages in some sort of domestic spying program, watching our children like a pedophile in wait, and he determines which children are “naughty” or “nice.” His methods for determining this are unknown; we also can’t know whether there is a racial disparity in these lists. He then makes his presents for the select few using non-union elf labor and comes to our neighborhoods in an unregistered sleigh pulled by disease-bearing caribou. Then Santa breaks into our houses and engages in his personal form of justice, leaving presents for the children he arbitrarily deems “good” and coal for the children he labels “bad.” This is the worst form of vigilante justice — even worse than anything Batman would do — as it targets children.
Some would say we are helpless to fight the tyranny of Santa and must do nothing, lest he harms our kids; others say we must end Christmas and abolish all gift-giving. This is a false choice. We can have Christmas and presents, and we can be free of the judgmental madman known as Santa. What we need is a government takeover of the Christmas business.
The government has always made knowing the needs of its citizens its specialty, and the FBI already has extensive files on everyone, so we know who is naughty and who is nice. So what entity is better qualified to give gifts to all of its citizens? Plus, our methods would be open to the public — to a certain extent (you may need to file an FOIA request). Furthermore, we would make sure everyone receives gifts. Everyone. And best of all, it will be deficit neutral. In fact, it will actually reduce the deficit through efficiencies and through confiscating magic fairy dust from the North Pole and applying it to the budget.
Already, some are trying to scare you, saying this government takeover means you won’t get quality presents or there will be long delays in receiving them. This is false. I am a pro-present president. In fact, as a legislator, my favorite thing to vote was “present.” Let me be clear. Everyone will get the present he or she wants. And there will be no primitive moralizing to decide who is worthy of receiving gifts, and there will especially be no coal in anyone’s stocking, as that will be made illegal under cap and trade. That’s right: A Merry Christmas for all with gifts you’ll enjoy, and it will not cost you a single dime more. Not one dime.
Here is my plan. You will submit your lists to the newly-appointed Gift-Giving Committee, which will be headed by my present czar. The present czar will then record all these present suggestions and, keeping in mind the Christmas budget, get you something you want — or something similar or related to it — or better yet, something you need. This means gifts such as educational toys for children, abortions for teenagers, compact fluorescent light bulbs for adults, and euthanasia for seniors (which may or may not be optional, considering whatever version of health care reform passes).
And now you’ll be free from the burden of appeasing Santa, as the committee considers all children to be nice … unless they have shown discriminatory or intolerant behavior. You’ll also be free from having to buy gifts yourself, as that will result in imprisonment for gift-giving inequality. And, once again, there will be no new taxes for any of this, except for the wealthy — the wealthy being defined as anyone who buys excessive luxuries, such as tinsel, eggnog, trees, or colorful blinking lights, which will all be subjected to heavy holiday taxes.
The time for talk is over; the time for gift wish lists writing is now. So let’s get this started. Just go ahead and address the letters you’d normally write to Santa to me instead. And to help us meet the gift delivery date of December 25, it would be really helpful if you would tell me what you think you’ll want three years from now. And if some of you wouldn’t mind celebrating your Christmas later — possibly into the next year — please let me know; otherwise we’ll just have to randomly choose people.
So let’s all have a merry and, better yet, an equal and government-regulated Christmas.