Happy Birthday, Vladimir
Russian President Vladimir Putin - who apparently plans to remain in office by running for Prime Minister when his presidency/dictatorship expires - celebrated his 55th birthday Sunday. In honor of the occasion, Oleg Atbashian has translated for Pajamas Media some Putin jokes currently making the rounds of Russian internet sites.
Putin. The whole truth about the Russian president
A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma.
A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
Putin’s dog saved the world at least four times.
A combination of Putin’s fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.
Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
Putin’s used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.
In the movies, Putin’s part is usually played by his twin brother Chuck Norris.
Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
Putin doesn’t poop.
Inside Putin’s nostrils grow miniature flowers pollinated by miniature bees.
Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually – a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.
Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
Putin doesn’t need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen’s eye level.
Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
Putin helps the Russian economy by filling the Earth with oil from his personal reserves.
Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.
When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.
If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
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OLEG COMMENTS:
If you pass this list to at least 10 different comrades in the next 15 minutes, you will receive an unexpected government subsidy and your enemies will have their gas and water cut off for a whole week.
However, if you ignore this message, bad luck will fall upon you. Garry Kasparov of Moscow disregarded this message. The next day his patience ran out, he took to the streets badmouthing Putin, and was arrested for inciting a riot. Other people who ignored this message include Alexander Litvinenko, Mikhail Khodorkovsky, Paul Klebnikov, Anna Politkovskaya, and countless others.
So what are you waiting for?
…He really does look like Dobby!
My Oleg is a genius.
1. A friend’s daughter saw a photo of Putin and turned into Yulia Tymoshenko overnight…her Jack Russell became a Mastiff.
Every one of these could be a Chuck Norris joke.
When Chuck Norris smiles you feel sunny and gay.
When Vladimir Putin smiles you will be sunny and gay.
This is nothing. Have you seen what Fred Thompson can do?
Say, where can I find this article in Russian?
And yet, with all that power, he still can’t get moose and squirrel.
Consanescerion asked “where can I find this article in Russian?”
Good question. Various compilations of these “Putin facts” in Russian have existed for several years, and they keep expanding. Google search alone gives 5 pages of results. Here’s one page, containing 130 such jokes – http://www.anticompromat.ru/putin/130factov.html
It was impossible to post them all here, I just made a representative sample. I also altered and rephrased many of them because otherwise they didn’t work in English, although in Russian they were very funny.
The Edison joke was originally about Mendeleev’s Periodic Table, which made more sense considering the popular story that he had seen the Table of Elements in his dream. But explaining this story to Americans would’ve ruined the joke. Mendeleev is part of the Russian cultural narrative, and Americans have their own narrative. This is the problem with translating humor.
Yakov Smirnov was perhaps the most successful comedian in that respect – he had the right feel for the both cultural narratives and did a great job mixing them together. Many of his jokes are original, but a few I had heard back in the old country even before his career started. I wish he hadn’t gone into that semi-retirement so early. We would certainly be honored to feature Yakov on the People’s Cube. Yakov? Are you listening?
I guess I don’t have the right sense of humor to properly appreciate Vladmir Putin.
To me, he’s forever in the grips of that small KGB control brain mentality driving his moves and policies.
Which is sad for the great Russian Bear, not to mention the personal fate of anyone deemed to be at cross purposes with the agenda of the regime.
plase leave Putka alone. what do you see when you look into the eyes of a CIA agent/officer?
Happy Birthday Prime Minister Putin and a 100 more. A big fan!
Abby/USA
Dog is Good!