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Handy Tips for President Obama on Behavior in Foreign Countries

Before you tell a foreign leader what a great Rottweiler he has, make sure it's not actually one of his children.

by
Frank J. Fleming

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November 18, 2009 - 12:22 am
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Is it just me, or is Barack Obama not the most experienced person we’ve ever had as president? On some of his foreign trips, he’s seemed a bit befuddled on how to behave himself. It’s almost like Obama has never been to a foreign country, which certainly has to be a blow to conspiracy theorists who think he was born in one. His recent bowing before the Japanese emperor was so lame it even embarrassed the Japanese. It’s like Obama learned his Japanese etiquette from watching The Karate Kid.

Now, foreign affairs can be quite confusing. Frankly, I wouldn’t even have thought that guy was emperor, because he’s so assuming in a business suit (shouldn’t an emperor at least have a fancy hat?). And it gets even worse in other countries with their crazy languages and clothing and which animals they consider sacred or filthy. Still, the president of the United States really needs to know how to comport himself out there so everyone is well aware how completely awesome our country is and how much better it is than any of the others with their stupid kings and emperors and parliaments and what not.

Usually, I try to undermine Obama in absolutely any way I can — even trying to get him imprisoned if possible — because I’m hyper-partisan, but in foreign affairs Obama is representing all of America, so it’s important that he does well. Thus I’m going to help him out and give him all the advice I can on how to politely conduct himself in foreign countries while still asserting America’s dominance.

TIPS FOR OBAMA ON HOW TO BEHAVE IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES

  • When in a foreign country, U.S. presidents customarily greet its leaders with a measure of time. For example, when visiting France, you’d say, “Hello, President Sarkozy. Seven to ten minutes, considering traffic.” This should be how long you estimate it will take for the U.S. military to conquer the country.
  • A deep bow to someone in Japan is too formal and too obsequious. Instead, use a more causal, friendly gesture — such as grabbing the emperor in a headlock and shouting, “Noogie!” and then rapping your knuckles across his scalp.
  • If a country gives you a sentimental gift, such as a special pen holder made from the wood of an anti-slavery ship, don’t tell them you’d rather they get you Modern Warfare 2 for the X-Box. Instead, accept it graciously and just subtly point out your Amazon Wish List for future use.
  • In the Middle East, don’t throw a shoe at someone’s face, as it is considered a grave insult instead of the lighthearted gesture of friendship it is in Europe.
  • Also while in the Middle East, don’t ask any foreign leader how his day has been unless you want to listen to a long rant about the Jews.
  • Foreign countries can be quite confusing, so be extra sure something is a urinal before you pee on it.
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