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A Short History of Guns and Sexual Inadequacy

Everyone knows that white males own guns to compensate for a lack of manhood.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

April 8, 2013 - 12:43 am

Some intrepid writers are finally getting to the bottom of the gun-violence problem: white males! For instance, Charlotte and Harriet Childress recently wrote a column in the Washington Post calling on white males to stop mass-shooting everyone. Now, it was easy to dismiss that column because, you know, it was written by women, but then Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash wrote an article that got down to the true reason guns are popular: white males’ sexual insecurity. Quote the progressive sage: “You can feel at least temporarily reassured when a long-barreled assault weapon compensates for just another average manhood; it’s an irresistable[sic] testosterone high to the beleaguered white male.”

Some may dismiss such articles as the last gasp of frustrated gun-control proponents who see their views destined for the dustbin of history, to which I say, don’t do amateur psychoanalyzation of people you barely know just because their political opinions differ from yours — that’s a cheap, desperate trick. Others may wonder whether Karlin’s obsession with race and phallic symbols means he’s actually the one who is some sort of sexually frustrated bigot, but no — he only obsesses over things like that so he can spot all the other bigots. Karlin is not sexually insecure; while he does have a small penis and has never satisfied a woman, he is very open about that and doesn’t feel the need to compensate by owning a firearm. In fact, he’s the president of the Sexually Inadequate Appreciation Society, which helps men like him feel happy with their condition. You’ve probably seen their logo around; it’s a bit pornographic, but it’s also very small.

But the Childresses are right: Where guns are concerned, we have a white-male problem. And Karlin is correct that the root of that problem is sexual insecurity. To really understand this, we have to look at the history of sexual insecurity. Throughout most of history, men lived in harmony, hugging each other, playing in drum circles, eating organically grown food. But then several hundred years ago, sexual insecurity arose among white men. At first, all the white men did was kind of be quiet and curt with each other, but then finally one of them invented a solution to his insecurity: a gun. I believe the inventor’s name was Bob Gun — he named it after himself. And white males, upon seeing the new invention, said, “Well, this shall compensate for my lack of manhood. And now I will find people with darker skin than me and shoot them, because I am racist.” And then white males unleashed on the world massacres, genocide, arrhythmic dancing, mayo — you know, white people stuff. And all because white people tried to handle their sexual insecurity by owning guns.

And incidentally, that was a huge success. Throughout history, gun owners have been known to have legendary sexual prowess, as reported by their wives and concubines. And as guns have become more powerful, the men who possess them have become more powerful in bed. In fact, today sometimes an AR-15 is prescribed as a marital aid.

But we’re getting off topic. The point is, white males own guns to try to deal with their sexual insecurity. But that’s not the only way those dastardly whitey-white people have dealt with their frustrations. Another way they compensate is with their other obsession: freedom. When a white male goes on and on about how big his freedom is, it doesn’t take many guesses to know what is small. When people are like, “I am self-reliant and don’t need the government to tell me how to do everything,” that’s just more compensation for poor performance in the bedroom.

In fact, the United States of America was basically founded because of sexual insecurity. King George drew a ribald cartoon mocking the manhood of the people who would eventually be known as the Founding Fathers. They then overcompensated and were all like, “We’ll show you! Look how free we are! Yeah! We have muskets, too! We’re real men!” People refer to the Battles of Lexington and Concord as the “shot heard round the world,” but that isn’t because people were impressed by it. Instead, everyone shook their heads knowingly, saying, “Oh, we know what that’s about; those colonists just aren’t pleasing their wives.”

So, minorities, let this be a lesson to you: Don’t be sexually insecure. Stay away from these guns and freedom that white males are trying to peddle. If you ever feel the need to own a gun to protect your family, or if you want to shed the shackles of government, that’s just your member saying, “I’m small! Compensate for me!” Don’t listen to it! And while white males may act like they’ll be happy if you join them in gun ownership and their love of freedom, as soon as your back is turned, they’ll say racist things like, “Hey, see that guy over there? I’m racist against him!”

Be secure in your manhood, and trust government to provide your protection and all your other needs. Right now, progressives have a bunch of plans which, if implemented, might possibly make things safer in inner cities in twenty to thirty years or so. But if you minorities ever have doubts, go to a good white male like the progressive Mark Karlin, and he’ll tell you what to do. And there is no reason to be scared of him, because he has very small genitalia.

And everyone is okay with that.

Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).

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Top Rated Comments   
Nothing new. Freud - the original "compensation" man - never cured anyone's neurosis. His main contribution to Western culture was giving the intelligentsia a new way to misunderstand reality and a secret new language in which to bash people they look down on. They've been using bad pseudo-Freudian "psychology" against their opponents ever since.

Remember: manly men are really closeted gays, if you're angry you're really afraid, and being weak is the best way to show strength. Anyone who violates these rules is "compensating for something."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (29)
All Comments   (29)
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Sometimes, a BIG truck is just a Big Truck.

And sometimes its not!

;)
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
How about all of those black and Hispanic males with guns? Perhaps Charlotte and Harriet Childress should be telling them to stop shooting everyone. The gun violence in Chicago and other inner cities isn't being caused by white males.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
What a tired old myth, and a ridiculous way to denigrate gun owners. Nobody's falling for it, because it doesn't explain why so many black females own guns. "Pocket pistols" are all the rage these days among young black females. And when you go to the gun range, you see women of all ages and races coming in with handguns and semi-automatic rifles. The instructors there get paid good money to teach them how to use them, and they leave feeling empowered.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
In other words, who needs a man to protect you when you've got some heat?
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
As Jerry Reed once sang, "When you're hot, your hot!"
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Oops! "your" should've been "You're". Guess my eye teeth got in the way and I couldn't see what I was saying.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
"Boy, the water sure is cold."
"And deep."
"And the bottom is muddy."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Of course a gun is a penis substitute, inasmuch as I can't kill someone at 50 yards with my penis.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
So what does concealed carry of a relatively small handgun say about inadequacy? As Gov. Rick Perry says, "I never comment on whether I'm carrying a handgun or not," he said. "That's why it's called concealed."

Read more: http://nation.foxnews.com/gov-rick-perry/2011/08/15/press-asks-perry-are-you-packing-heat#ixzz2PtQNihfq
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
" . . . sometimes an AR-15 is prescribed as a marital aid."

What if you have a handgun? The barrel is not as long as the AR-15. Are you compensating for a medium sized penis? What does it mean when she says she is satisfied with both, uh, tools, used properly, if course?

What is she compensating for if she owns an AR-15? What if you are male and own a Weatherby .460 Mag, with the exceptionally lovely walnut stock? Makes me weak just to imagine that. What if she owns a Weatherby .460 Mag, and wears black high heels when she holds it? What does that mean about her? She didn't have a penis to start with.

Is it getting hot in here?
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
This guy is a real nut case. What garbage. I suppose all those hand guns the Bros use in commiting crimes is really an extension of their manhood.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Frank J. Fleming writes SATIRE. And does it very, very well!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
You seem to have a problem with sarcasm. This article was sarcasm...tongue in cheek.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Nothing new. Freud - the original "compensation" man - never cured anyone's neurosis. His main contribution to Western culture was giving the intelligentsia a new way to misunderstand reality and a secret new language in which to bash people they look down on. They've been using bad pseudo-Freudian "psychology" against their opponents ever since.

Remember: manly men are really closeted gays, if you're angry you're really afraid, and being weak is the best way to show strength. Anyone who violates these rules is "compensating for something."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.
-- Sigmund Freud, "General Introduction to Psychoanlysis", 1952

Uh-oh, Freud said "Retarded."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I learned how to use a gun before I learned what my 'wedding tackle' was for - so I have the reverse problem. I live in country where you can't own a gun so I compensate by being an disgusting old satyr who convinces endless 20 somethings I have something to teach them about Tantric Sex. And I'll tell you it feels a whole lot better than getting thumped in the shoulder with a 12 gauge. ;-)
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Interesting. Maybe the government gun-grabbers would get more results if they started a "guns for sex" trade-in program. Every frustrated old gun-clinger who turns in a weapon gets a ticket for one free session at the sporting house of his choice. The slogan could be "Stop Banging and Start Banging."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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