And what about moderates? I know this won’t make me popular with the Republican base, but we have to make every effort we can to get as many moderates into the Republican Party as possible. Let’s bend on any issue necessary and soften our rhetoric to get every squish behind us. Let’s even invite Arlen Specter back; we can tell him we were wrong and trillions in wasteful spending is a great idea right now. We need all the moderates we can get to join us, because when everything goes to hell, they’ll be a great source of cheap labor and — in a worse case scenario — food. So for the future survival of the party, moderates are very important.
So what issues will we be focusing on? Once again, it will be back to the basics of the Republican Party as we tackle our original defining issue: slavery. That’s because the apes will be mutated by radiation into ape-men and will be quite intent on enslaving their former masters, and it will be up to us to oppose them. Also, it’s a little known fact that the anti-piracy software in Microsoft products is programmed so that if it ever loses contact with Microsoft headquarters, the machines will revert to their original programming to destroy all humanity. So we can expect pretty much all machines to turn against us and try to capture and kill us. These are the issues people are going to find important in the near future, and I doubt the Democrats — if they still exist — will have any answers. So Republicans have the potential for lots of gains by taking a strong stance against ape-men and killer robots.
So as you hear from different pundits on what the Republicans need to do to regain power, remember that the key is that any workable idea must start with a realistic look at what challenges lie before us. That means it must account for radiation, killing each other over food and gasoline, flesh-eating mutants, ape-men, and deadly robots. It’s a hard reality to face, but it can be a good time for Republican gains if we’re prepared and properly armed. And if the ape-men and robots join forces, causing us to face cybernetic monkey-men, then let’s just say we better have found the next Reagan by then or we’re all done for.