We’re done with 2010, and good riddance; the less said about it, the better. So it can only get better from here on out, right? Well… maybe not. Using my analysis of current events, intuition, a computer model, a magic 8-ball, and a garbage bag full of fortune cookies, I’ve got a list of predictions of what will happen in the next year. And remember, none of my predictions in the past have ever been proven incorrect (mainly because I use a lot of weasel words).
Anyway, even though I’m giving you the scoop now, remember to act surprised when these world-changing events occur, or people will think you’re a sociopath.
On the 3rd, the new Republican majority will take over the House. On the 4th, they will go back to business as usual and be declared a failure and a betrayal to true conservative principles. On the 5th, most of the GOP will be unmasked as actually being Democrats in disguise. Blast! They fooled us again!
Undeterred by losing her speakership, Nancy Pelosi will continue to take unpopular positions, make severely out-of-touch pronouncements, and even invade homes and kill pets until she dissuades her last few supporters and secures her position in the history books as the first politician with a 0% approval rating.
It will be a record warm February — further proof of global warming. Or it will be a record cold February — also proof of global warming. Or it will be the most average February temperatures on record — which would be the greatest proof of global warming of all.
No longer able to ram unpopular, costly legislation through Congress, Barack Obama will begin to lose interest in the presidency. He’ll miss meetings and even disappear for hours at a time. Eventually, his staff will find him at a nearby church pursuing what he now considers his true calling: becoming a crazed, racist preacher.
Harry Reid will still be in office. That was true for the previous months, but it will finally hit conservatives in March that he’s there, and there’s no getting rid of him, causing us all to drink heavily. Expect conservative commentary to be more incoherent this month — and me to be more coherent.
There will be a huge scare this month as people are diagnosed with a rage-type virus like in 28 Days Later. Ends up, though, it’s just liberals who (due to frustration with Obama, hatred of conservatives, the continued existence of Fox News, and Palin still living and smiling and stuff) have gone so crazy, irrationally angry that they’ve actually become feral. Still, I can’t guarantee that if they bite you, you won’t become one.