Good Riddance to 2010: What’s Going to Happen in 2011?
We’re done with 2010, and good riddance; the less said about it, the better. So it can only get better from here on out, right? Well… maybe not. Using my analysis of current events, intuition, a computer model, a magic 8-ball, and a garbage bag full of fortune cookies, I’ve got a list of predictions of what will happen in the next year. And remember, none of my predictions in the past have ever been proven incorrect (mainly because I use a lot of weasel words).
Anyway, even though I’m giving you the scoop now, remember to act surprised when these world-changing events occur, or people will think you’re a sociopath.
January:
On the 3rd, the new Republican majority will take over the House. On the 4th, they will go back to business as usual and be declared a failure and a betrayal to true conservative principles. On the 5th, most of the GOP will be unmasked as actually being Democrats in disguise. Blast! They fooled us again!
Undeterred by losing her speakership, Nancy Pelosi will continue to take unpopular positions, make severely out-of-touch pronouncements, and even invade homes and kill pets until she dissuades her last few supporters and secures her position in the history books as the first politician with a 0% approval rating.
February:
It will be a record warm February — further proof of global warming. Or it will be a record cold February — also proof of global warming. Or it will be the most average February temperatures on record — which would be the greatest proof of global warming of all.
No longer able to ram unpopular, costly legislation through Congress, Barack Obama will begin to lose interest in the presidency. He’ll miss meetings and even disappear for hours at a time. Eventually, his staff will find him at a nearby church pursuing what he now considers his true calling: becoming a crazed, racist preacher.
March:
Harry Reid will still be in office. That was true for the previous months, but it will finally hit conservatives in March that he’s there, and there’s no getting rid of him, causing us all to drink heavily. Expect conservative commentary to be more incoherent this month — and me to be more coherent.
There will be a huge scare this month as people are diagnosed with a rage-type virus like in 28 Days Later. Ends up, though, it’s just liberals who (due to frustration with Obama, hatred of conservatives, the continued existence of Fox News, and Palin still living and smiling and stuff) have gone so crazy, irrationally angry that they’ve actually become feral. Still, I can’t guarantee that if they bite you, you won’t become one.
It’s now 7:40 P.M. Eastern time New Years Eve. Why don’t you people take the evening off and enjoy some life? If Congress can do it, we can. And ‘We’ should be able to enjoy it more.
Well, I’m at work. Don’t all you people have jobs!
2011: A lot more moon god worshiping attackers. Most folks call it terrorism. Also; the so called FED bails out the Euro with my money.
Well, I drove from Fort Stockton to San Diego today, so I’m relaxing.
2011: Fancy New York journalists will stick microphones in Californians’ faces and ask, “Do you think the bailout is justified?” Californians will answer, “What’s the camera for? Did I win somethin’?”
This Californian would reply,’Are you nuts? It’s just spending good money after bad.”
JOBS? Work give’s me the hives, and makes me depressed. But, my medicare covers these ailments.
What They Said in 2010
Selected quotations from FoxNews.com’s “The Year in Quotes,” (http://tiny.cc/rv9oc), an annotated melange of ignorance and arrogance, of wisdom and stupidity, of betrayal and allegiance:
Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, explains why America needed the obscene monstrosity called Obamacare: “But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.” Why read the damned thing or permit Americans to know what was in it when you can utilize that “fog” to perpetrate a disaster on the public?
Current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, comments sotto voce to the commander in chief on the passage of that obscene monstrosity, demonstrating why he also merits the title of Oaf in Chief: “This is a big f*cking deal.” There’s no word on whether Joe kisses his wife with that mouth but word is out that he will be invited to take his f*cking mouth back to Delaware in 2012.
Sitting President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, defends his slacker ineptitude over the BP Gulf oil spill: “We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.” Knowing “whose ass to kick” is one thing for a president. Knowing how, when, and where to do that kicking seems to be one his biggest challenges.
Imam Feisel Abdul Rauf warns Americans not to dare to prevent the construction of his Ground Zero mosque in celebration of Islam’s victory on September 11th, 2001: “If we don’t do this right, anger will explode in Muslim world. This crisis could become much bigger than Danish cartoon incident.” The imam should be made aware that American anger against Islam exploded with those buildings on 9/11 and he and his ilk have yet to feel the full and violent wrath of that explosion. . .
(Read more at http://www.genelalor.com/blog1/?p=3264)
I can only see 3 months ahead. I need a cataract operation and can’t afford it. All my disposable income is tied up in taxes.
January-Obama’s birth certificate is finally released. He’s the love child of Kim Quisado, the guy who played the cab driving, ukelele player Poncie Ponce in the old TV series “Hawaiian Eye”.
February-Nancy Pelosi agrees to star in a remake of “Play Misty for Me”.
Rahm Emanuel cameos as the knife.
March-Katie Couric gets her GED.
What, no mention that it was dear Katie’s 4th try? Persistence pays off.
“March: Harry Reid will still be in office.”
Even though he really died the month before, nobody noticed and he will still be sitting at his desk, doing the same thing he always does, nothing. But, in death, his approval ratings will actually go up because he will not be able to do more harm to the country.
Harry Reid has to be the most evil, corrupt, and hypocritical (even for a politician, that’s a first) politician there ever was. I really hope somebody at the Dept. of Justice one day takes a look at all of the “land deals” he made in Nevada. I’d just love to see this guy go to jail. Maybe he can share a cell with Charlie Rangel.
LMAO…of course we all know he’s really the cryptkeeper.
Obama will completely disappear one day, leaving a long, rambling note explaining his decisions to leave, which no will read because it’s really boring.
40% of the word count in the note will be the words “I”, “me”, “my”, and “mine”.
I’m sorry, not impressed.
Absolutely nothing in this article is even remotely scary as if the GOP legislators, both new and old, continue to sell themselves to the highest bidder, let the debt continue to soar, continue to bail out feral local governments, and let the federal bureaucracy run rampant.
Then, ladies and gentlmen, electoral politics have failed.
My prediction for 2011 and beyond–
Writers with an enormously high opinion of themselves will continue to spew forth inaccurate, depressing and demoralizing pontifications about our great country and great people contributing to
Beyond–
the near impossibility of the rest of us to be heard and believed.
Thanks a lot for making it more difficult to rally round and fix the problems.
wow, get over yourself
BJ sends Barry out for coffee again and won’t leave the podium.
Hillary!begins prep for Iowa caucus
BJ starts dating again
So, Frank, you’re basically saying that 2011 will be a pretty good year.
This might be the year that the New York Times and the Washington Post admit their true leanings and change their name respectively to Pravda and Izvestia.
“There is no news in Pravda, and no truth in Izvestia!”
2011-The year that made you wish it was still 2010.
2011: Now that the 2010 partying is over, the Tea Party gets down to brass tacks and starts eviscerating the nanny state for real. It may take more than pitchforks and torches.
C’mon Frank, that Pelosi prediction was a gimmie.
That shake-to-charge car may not be as nutty as it sounds. Given the stop-and-go traffic I have to endure, the thing may get me home from work with more charge on it than when I left.
And, the crumbling roads in CA will be a feature, not a detriment.
Ya know what’s the worst part — swearing Joe Biden in as president looks like an improvement.
Oh, and I’m not going to wait until March to start drinking heavily.
As we say in Chicago, drink (among other things) early and often!
Rahm Emmanuel (your new mayor-soon-to-be) will save Chicago. He has the unique ability to reside for 18 months in two diffent cities simultaneously: Washington and Chicago.
Republicans will realize Mike Huckabee or Mitt Romney are liberals pro Barrack and Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin is the ONLY anti Obama. The anger we feel against this administration is only expressed by Sarah Palin.
Palin will be the first woman nominated for president in America!
Racist preachers always have success.
Unfortunately we have to live with them.
Now, they take the form of political figures.
Happy New Year!
Predictions are indeed projections. Therefore: Obama, Biden, Pelosi, Reed, and Holder are found dead after a closed door s——g (no, it’s not Spitting) contest to determine who actually has succeded in best promoting Marxism in the land. The Republicans will attempt to clean up the mess by begging Specter to rejoin the party and to bring along the EPA, CNN, NPR, Dan Rather, the ACLU, Hugo Chavez, Jimmy Carter and the UN to monitor the process and to hold hearings until Al Gore has determined that Hell has frozen over (and his share of the Carbon Offset profits). Taxes and the IRS will be increased with an underground brownshirt program of children-ratting-out parents while singing “Um Um Ummmm Obama” . Once the entire population is on welfare the nation can be bailed out by France and George Soros who will also determine members for the Death Panels as established by the democratic party. Yes, you may think this is rediculous but take a look at 2010 !
Um, um, ummm, Barack Hussein Obama!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_l8KK3gGxQ
I will make a prediction that absolutely will not be wrong. And I believe you will all agree with me.
The media attacks on Sarah Palin will reach a level of absurdity ,nastiness,ridiculousness,and complete insanity that the very atmosphere of Hell itself will be penetrated for the first time in recorded human history.
Even though you didn’t ask your audience to contribute to your predictions, they did with gusto. Developing a feeling of participation in the little people is a powerful way to get a following that might even raise your rating to 1%. In fact this very response proves again how the little people can be wooed by being able to see their text in print.
Finally! Someone called me little.
Sorry, little people was used to mean the majority of people, the remaining little minority are our Controllers.
I predict that Liberal and Conservative bloggers will suddenly grow brains and become responsible thinkers… :: ))
Not fair. Obama has long since virtually abandoned the presidency.
The House might or might not become a blood bath. Depends on whether serious investigation sub-committees are allowed. I am old enough to remember the last time that happened. Blood ran on the House floor.
The northern hemisphere may be in the beginning of another at least little ice age. If that comes to be quickly, all bets are off.
China is rapidly building up and futurising its military, with anticipation of large war with some nation within the next 5 years, most probably with the US, but can’t be certain. Going Hell for breakfast anyway.
I am always reluctant to do any predicting, especially about future events, but food shortages world-wide are really bad and rapidly becoming greater. As a result of weather events all over the planet, not that fake thing called “global climate”.
Very cute piece! I enjoyed it a lot!
One small correction: we won’t all be mandated to buy GM electric cars. GE will buy them all and give them away with efficient refrigerators, which we will be mandated to buy.
I can’t really tell you what is going to happen in 2011. what i can do is tell you what isn’t going to happen:
http://theregjoe.blogspot.com/2010/12/alternative-top-10-list-10-things-that.html
We can make it past June if we’d just nuke the moon!!!
Funny as always you are.
Will there be dinosaurs with rockets this year? I hope so because I love fireworks….. and large extinct reptiles.
My predictions:
1) Supremely partisan bloggers from left and right will learn some self-criticism;
2) American conservatives will, specifically, understand just how little real difference there is between Democrat corruption, nest-padding and lies and that of the Republican variety;
3) All those who scream irrationally and turn red at questions over 911 will (see 1 and 2 above) finally calmly consider whether the official version of that horror is actually true;
4) anti-Semitism will end. Oops, anti-Semitism will increase, resulting in America-addicted PJM Jewish bloggers and posters (Cate, Sefton, Surls etc) considering Israel as home;
5) I am just kidding about 4.
“Obama will completely disappear one day, leaving a long, rambling note explaining his decisions to leave, which no will read because it’s really boring.”
Gee…
If only. (weep weep)If only. No, it’s too good to be true.
No more Obama… Obama, no more? How sweet the sound…..
But who are we kidding. The Turkey has to finish out his term.
Only then. Only then can we lose this Chump.
No Obama?
Aw, why’d have to go and give me hope….
You guys are so mean!
So much for hooky predictions…………
Danny
Lemme guess. When you were thinking about May, Buttercup spit up all over your shoulder. Heh.
Fun article, Frank. (a farticle)
2011 Political What-Ifs
Some random 2011 thoughts on various administration personages and on what might have been:
WHAT IF Barack Hussein Obama had never met and wed Michelle Lavaughn Robinson? Would he have settled for a white girl like his mother and devoted his life to promoting Marxist principles like his father? Or would he have devoted his life to becoming president of the United States, promoting–and implementing–Marxist principles?
WHAT IF the president’s parents had never met, copulated, and wed, or if his mother had rejected his advances and marriage proposal because he was already a bigamist? Since she did seem to have a thing for Muslim men, what if Stanley Ann Dunham had married a Muslim other than Barack Hussein Obama Senior and never conceived Barry?
WHAT IF Hillary Clinton actually suffered from PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, . . .
(Read more at http://www.genelalor.com/blog1/?p=3293)