My daily newspaper informs me that “winter blast leaves Britain shivering.” The poor country, apparently, is in “the grip of the worst winter in 40 years.” I hear on the news that Germany is running out of road salt as car accidents multiply exponentially. Other European countries appear to be in similar straits. Major cities in China have ground to a halt. Much of Canada is shoveling itself out of surf-like snowdrifts and portions of the United States are not much better off. Could this be global cooling? Is the scientific consensus concerning global warming wrong? Has the respected United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change been hoaxed by a cabal of unscrupulous meteorologists?
Not to worry, folks. We all know that global warming is an irrefutable fact and that our feeling of alarm for the planet is fully justified. We know that temperatures are skyrocketing, that anthropogenic CO2 is clogging the atmosphere, that ocean levels are rising as they did in the time of Noah, that South Pacific islands will soon be submerged and within a generation or two New York City will be under water — has not NASA scientist James Hansen assured of this dire probability? We know that polar bears are heading toward extinction as the ice floes dissolve beneath them, that the Antarctic is withering as we speak under the gaping ozone hole, that asthma sufferers are gasping their last by the stretcher-load, that the pavement is sizzling beneath our feet, and that the end of the world is nigh.
Let us not be deceived by what we think we are observing and thus relax our guard. Let us instead take comfort in knowledge. For we also know that we cannot trust the mainstream media, whose accounts are contaminated by a prior agenda. All these articles, reports, and broadcasts about plunging temperatures and unprecedented snowfalls, about entire countries unable to cope with wintry disasters or dig themselves out of subnivean mountain ranges, about thousands of cars stuck on highways and motorists needing to be rescued by emergency teams of army reservists — all this, as we should be aware, is the result of a conspiracy to delude the public about the truth of GGW, or galloping global warming.
The effect of this accumulating disinformation is so insidious that, even as I look out my window here in this little town in western Quebec, I could swear I see vast waves of snow cresting above the windowsill and icicles hanging from the eaves like stalactites. I stare at the thermometer nailed to the garage wall and note it reads -21 degrees centigrade and, dear lord, I can almost believe what I’m seeing. But I know deep down that I am the victim of a nefarious media campaign orchestrated by shadowy powers to trigger delusions and hallucinations, intended to convince me that snow storms are battering the countryside, that the mercury is plummeting, that traffic has come to a standstill, and that the power outage we have just undergone due to over-freighted tree branches falling on electric wires are all products of a media-infected imagination. Plainly, we must fight vigorously against the influence of such manufactured apparitions and cleverly induced mirages.