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EPA to Regulate Water Vapor Emissions

A second Nobel Prize for Obama?

by
Robert Zubrin

Bio

September 1, 2013 - 12:25 am
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At a news conference in Washington today, President Obama announced that he is directing the Environmental Protection Agency to act immediately to enforce a new set of regulations to limit emissions of dihydrogen oxide gas, or water vapor, one of the primary causes of catastrophic anthropogenic climate change.

“The world faces a crisis,” the president intoned, “and America must lead. We have taken the first step by limiting carbon emissions, but that cannot be effective unless we deal with the larger menace posed by dihydrogen oxide pollution as well. Since Congress has failed in its duty to pass the required laws, I, as president, am directing the EPA to move unilaterally to issue and enforce appropriate regulations.”

The importance of dealing quickly with the dihydrogen oxide crisis was dramatically made clear by EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy, who showed charts comparing current atmospheric CO2 levels, at 400 parts per million, with those of water vapor, which are now greater than 10,000 parts per million. “And not only do dihydrogen oxide levels exceed CO2 more than twenty times over,” Ms. McCarthy said, “but each molecule of DHO has greater greenhousing effect. So we need to get control of this without delay.”

In answer to a reporter’s question, the president acknowledged that there may also be natural sources of atmospheric water vapor, but took a firm stand nevertheless. “Other nations may pollute, but that does not excuse us. Other sources may pollute, but that can not excuse us. Whatever other nations do, or natural processes may do, we must be responsible for our own actions. Every pound of dihydrogen oxide pollution is a blow to the climate. The science on this is settled, and we have no time to continue endlessly debating with flat Earthers who would deny the gravity of the crisis. The future of the planet is at stake.”

The president was given strong scientific support for the program by eminent NASA scientist Dr. James Hansen, the world’s leading expert on future climate. “The situation is even worse than most people can imagine,” Dr. Hansen said. “While anthropogenic dihydrogen oxide emissions will indeed warm the atmosphere, they will also increase precipitation. Therefore, at the same time that glaciers shrink due to melting, they will also grow rapidly as a result of increased snowfall. Thus we expect sea levels to both rise and fall simultaneously, flooding entire continents while leaving vital ports stranded high and dry, hundreds of miles from the ocean. As the polar glaciers grow, endangered species such as polar bears will be driven south in vast numbers, creating havoc in cities such as Toronto, St. Louis, Houston, and Mexico City. While some countermeasures have been suggested, once the Panama Canal freezes they will be unstoppable. Unfortunately, however, the warming/cooling process will not halt there. Rather it will self accelerate, with the final result being a superhot planet completely covered by ice. We have less than a year to stop this from happening. Afterwards, it will be too late. Anyone who stands in the way of immediate action should be indicted for crimes against the planet, and dealt with accordingly.”

According to Administrator McCarthy, initial EPA actions will include enforcement to stop dihydrogen oxide emissions from vehicles, ships, airplanes, homes, farms, industries, and other businesses. All such potential vapor emitting entities (PVEEs) will be required to equip their systems with EPA-approved condensers, thereby allowing their vapors to be gathered and returned to the federal government in liquid form for safe sequestration. Effective oversight will be guaranteed by the creation of a new Water Condensation Administration, which will deploy inspectors to assess compliance of all PVEEs on a monthly basis. In order to prevent PVEEs from “gaming the system,” McCarthy said, compliance standards will be contained in EPA/WCA interoffice memos, and not be made public. This procedure will provide the EPA with maximum discretion in pursuing prosecution or granting waivers to PVEEs, as advisable, to help encourage socially responsible conduct on the widest possible basis.

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Top Rated Comments   
This article highlight the hazards of trying to parody this administration. I got all the way to the second to last paragraph before realizing it was proabably a satire. The rest of it sounded too typical of what the fanatics in the Obama administration would do. It's tough to lampoon this adminsitration because no matter what kind of ridiculous story you can dream up, it still doesn't sound too far off base from what these fools might actually try.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
However they will still permit the use of dehydrated water to combat large scale forest fires. This product, rumored to be produced by Ciilyandra inc. can be administered by EPA drones.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Sounds way too much like what this crowd of Washington DC yahoos might seriously propose.

Besides former EPA head Lisa ("Richard Windsor") Jackson not yet being prosecuted for illegally conducting agency business sub rosa, this week we read of massive, not to mention illegal, EPA payroll shenanigans, ones naturally costing the taxpayer "millions" as all DC shenanigans do.

Maybe we could save the planet by drying up the dihydrogen oxide gas in bureaucrats' heads.

32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (55)
All Comments   (55)
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We will need to shut down nearly ALL major industries in the South! This dihydro-monoxide compound is generated by most of them, including many entertainment venues! Homes produce the compound, too! It seems this compound is generated in air-conditioning systems when water is used to cool down the condensers' heat output, resulting in a coolant to chill interiors! So, to reclaim the dihydro-monoxide gasseous compound, we will have to chill it so it recombines into water!

This will eliminate air-conditioning, resulting in many wussies moving north to escape the heat! Are the northern states ready for the massive influx? We may well have to cede the South West back to Mexico!

This will NOT include Texas, of course, who will have re-formed itself BACK into a Republic in due course. These Texans pride themselves on living in a place hotter than Hell, and will just continue to wonder what all the fuss is about!
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Hundreds of people are killed because of this dangerous chemical called dihodrogen monoxide. They die a horrible death in something called drowning.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Henry,
One minor clarification about greenhouse gases. Compared to the gaseous form of Dihydrogen Monoxide, Carbon Dioxide is a minor greenhouse gas with a greenhouse vale of 1 while Dihydrogen Monoxide is assigned a value of 10; all other greenhouse gases are calibrated relative to that scale. There are only two places on Planet Earth where Carbon Dioxide is a significant greenhouse gas and those are the North and South Poles. That is why anytime a body of ice larger than an ice-cube melts at the Poles the environmentalists view this as a reaffirmation of their new age religious cult. As the poles melt, in response to increasing Carbon Dioxide levels, that will trigger a cascade of increasing temperatures across the planet, or so the theory goes. If you check the current weather reports for Peru, South Africa and Alaska, we may not hear from the environmentalists until next spring. If the Livingston & Penn event continues to advance on the Sun we may not hear from the environmentalists for the next 100 years. But I have every confidence that if conditions become very cold on Planet Earth, the environmentalists will come up with a new scam to loot the public treasury. Why do you think “Global Warming” was renamed “Climate Change”?
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Well, if we don't stop the global warming hysteria it will come to this. Pound for pound, water vapor is a far stronger greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide ever was.

The whole idea behind CO2 causing a greenhouse effect was that increasing levels of CO2 would cause just enough of a temperature increase that it would dramatically increase the amount of water vapor in the air, leading to runaway heating.

And yet, everything the environmentalists want to replace carbon burners with spews forth water vapor in far greater abundance, as though humidity somehow didn't trap heat.

Mark my words, it will come to this.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
WARNING:

Illustrating absurdity by being absurd is dangerous with these people. Back in the '80s when the government decided to protect us from ourselves though mandatory seat belt laws I asked, "What's next, mandatory bicycle helmets?"

The rest is history.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Sadly, this isn't all BS. AGW theory is, in fact, based on the presumption that rising CO2 will bring about higher temperatures which will put more water vapor into the air. CO2 becomes heat saturated , trapping less heat with each doubling, and within a few meters of atmosphere -and can at most contribute 1.2 C to world temperature . Go read the IPCC documents- AGW thoery is based on a runaway positive feedback effect with water vapor, and since water vapor (clouds) can also reflect heat it is not at all clear what the net effect will be ( UNless you look at the long term records and realize that CO2 has been much much higher in Earth's past, and yet somehow didn't become a cinder.. )
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Actually, they ARE doing this in Maryland. The progs here now tax us for dihydrogen monoxide run-off. If satellite/drone pix of your property show you have concrete covering “too much” of the land, you are charged for the H2O that's not absorbed on your property. No, not being brilliant like the Zube, I am not making this up. (“In 2010 the EPA ordered Maryland to reduce stormwater runoff into the Chesapeake Bay.” So they gave us the “rain tax.”)
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Haha! This dihydrogen monoxide hoax has been around since the 90s: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dihydrogen_monoxide_hoax
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Wait a moment... Dihydrogen monoxide is an essential nutrient that is frequently depleted in food processing. It is almost 90% oxygen by mass, which clearly shows its importance for oxygenating tissues. As for the depletion, for example, organic grapes have over five times the percentage of dihydrogen monoxide compared to genetically-modified raisins. The paleo diet might also reflect the importance of this nutrient. Sugar and wheat flour have almost no dihydrogen monoxide at all.

... and don't get me started on citric acid ...
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Joseph,

You raise an issue which I had not even considered until reading your post. Are the organic farmers, who charge more money for their organic produce which doesn’t look nearly as good as genetically engineered produce, using Certified Organic Dihydrogen Monoxide in their farming? Where is our Dear Leader on this critical issue? If Certified Organic Dihydrogen Monoxide is not being used, can the crops be correctly labeled organic?

Just remember that one German Organic Farmer has killed more people than have died in all nuclear accidents since the beginning of the atomic age!
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
While this story had me laughing my fool head off, I would like to point out one small error in the delivery. The correct name for this deadly chemical is Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO), not Dihydrogen Oxide. The Monoxide will drive fear into the hearts of any low-information environmentalist as it sounds like Carbon Monoxide. The official website to ban DHMO, which is now over 14 years old, can be found here: http://www.dhmo.org/. It is amazing how easy it is to nail the fools with this joke and they keep on coming. Actually given the deteriorating condition of our educational system, there are more of them today than there were 14 years ago.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
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