Eight Simple Ways to Liven Up This Year’s Academy Awards
On Sunday night, tens of Americans will be vibrating with tension, breathless to learn who will be dubbed the new suzerain of sound effects editing. Does Richard King have the inside track for the crown? Dare any of the voters risk saying nay to Tom Sayers? I’ll be rooting for Wylie Stateman purely because I like his name (and hope he is tapped to be our next U.N. envoy as soon as possible.)
For the rest of us, though, the above-named (who are Oscar nominees for The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, and Wanted, respectively) will simply blot up our precious time as the evening blithers on. The only true suspense about the Oscarcast — where Slumdog Millionaire seems virtually guaranteed to win the top honors, and where the evening’s hot Best Actor race between Sean Penn for Milk and Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler, involves two films whose combined audience is smaller than that for Hotel for Dogs — is how low the ratings can possibly slide this time. In an era in which Cate Blanchett counts as a glamour queen and the barely-known Hugh Jackman is called upon to host, the Nielsens for this year’s festivities may make the Dow Jones look robust by comparison.
Is there anything the most beautiful people in the world can do to firm up their saggy, dumpy ratings? Well, they could nominate films people have actually seen, or add a “fan’s choice award” to be voted on during the telecast, but they’d never do that because the Academy sees itself as a corrective to mob rule. We already know The Dark Knight was the big hit of 2008, but without the Oscar halo, millions of people would have missed out on the sparkle of Slumdog Millionaire.
There was a time when the Oscars were broadcast in the punitive time slot of Monday night at 10 p.m. Eastern — and the ratings were astonishing. Two-thirds of the total TV audience was watching the Oscars in the ’70s. In the ’50s, it was more like 80 percent. Last year, Jon Stewart scored a 29 percent rating, suggesting public approval equivalent to that of his favorite target. (The Super Bowl, meanwhile, still gets nearly two-thirds of the total TV audience, down only slightly since the 1970s.)
I have a better idea – how about doing away with the Oscars altogether, after all anybody with 5 neurons in his head knows Hollywood movies are a bad joke. The whole ceremony is nothing but an excuse for fatuous producers, airhead actors and the rest of the hangers-on to congragulate themselves for spending hundreds of millions of dollars making atrocious C-grade movies whose mean level of artistry would shame a fifth grade school production of Oklahoma.
And Hugh Jackman as host! What, even Will Ferrel turned it down? They didn’t ask Seth Rogen?
“De-gayify”?
LMAO!
NEW FAVORITE PHRASE!
~
“Honey, can you D-gayify yourself from the computer long enough to dump the kitchen garbage?”
-But, c’mon. The OSCARS are GAY. Only in HOLLYWOOD can they make their own awards shows and give their own awards ad infinitum. -Narcissism at the pinnacle of self-grandiosity.
Oh yesssssss…I’m the great…PRETENDERRRRRRR.
Cha-Ching! $$$$4
I have not the slightest interest in the Oscars. Spending my time mugging old ladies might be more rewarding.
Hugh Jackman??!?!
Jack Nicholson isn’t going to the Oscars this year. Maybe even Jack’s realized this show is a bore. BTW, Batman and Robin may have been gay, but at least that film had Ah-nold, Uma and Alicia Silverstone.
To late for this year. They have the usual list of movies nominated that I only started hearing about from the news of the other awards shows. None of which I will ever see.
Hollywood should make good movies that everyone wants to see and then only nominate them for awards to genrate interest. Not going to happen though.
Here’s an idea that would drain the nergy grid.
Stuff a random one of the Oscar statuettes with about a quarter-pound of C-4, triggered by the words “I’d like to thank…” at loud enough volume to ensure that the recipient is holding it in his or her hand.
THAT would make for an interesting show…
The Acaemy Awards Death Match.
See how often narcissism will win out in the gamble against the survival instinct.
And what happens when it doesn’t.
The Oscars must be exciting if you are in the business. But as an outsider it really doesn’t matter to me. Nothing they can do would get me to watch it. Not their fault really.
I have a suggestion. They could cut all the unfunny stand-up comedy schtick, the song and dance numbers, and the pompous Hollywood self-worship. In place of all that, they could show all of the actual nominated movies that the public didn’t care to actually go see in the first place.
And the broadcast would still be about the same length.
Oscars? Why would any true American watch that crap?
I didn’t know anyone watched the oscars any more.
Think about what the broadcast entails: a bunch of self-absorbed, anti-common sense, overdressed, preening men and underweight women with drug and alcohol and self-image problems giving each other prizes for how remarkably wonderful they each are, and looking for opportunities to spew their hatred for common and conservative people (gotta drop that one-liner they’ve prepared).
(Obviously, I know some of those phrases don’t apply to all of them, but essentially that’s what the group is. Self-important, overgrown children trying to act like sophisticates.)
I have absolutely NO problem coming up with more significant things to do on a Sunday evening.
Knit.
Brush the dog.
Finish the book RANSOMED about the new worldwide industry of kidnapping for ransom.
Work on family history records.
Bake muffins.
E-mail a friend.
Tens of Americans? Nice.
I don’t think there’s anyway to make an even where movie stars blow smoke up each other’s rear ends interesting. Maybe if they added something not predetermined to the background. Have the winners go through and American Gladiators gauntlet or eliminator in order to reach the stage. Dance monkey!
Well, you gotta remember, this is a closed group that is putting its award presentation open to the public. Having the general public vote on anything would be like having the public vote on your office awards. I haven’t watched an Oscar presentation in over a decade, maybe longer. It doesn’t matter what I think, because I don’t belong to that group. These people are rewarding their own.
#1 Larry . . . I think you might be confusing the Oscars with CPAC.
#2 Delia . . . de-gayify made you LYAO? Here’s another one for ya, let’s de-dickify Ann Coulter.
#3. David Thompson . . . everybody needs a hobby, I guess mugging old ladies is yours.
Conservatives are just jealous because the most creative people in America think your jerks. Now, you can say you don’t care and maybe you don’t. But don’t pretend the “level of artistry would shame a fifth grade school production of Oklahoma.”
Larry, did you see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture? Which of those would you describe as atrocious C-grade efforts?
Now, I know you’re all upset that Kirk Cameron didn’t get the nod for Best Actor. And maybe Reba SHOULD get the chance to move from TV to the big screen. But not everybody shares your lofty standards of storytelling.
But don’t worry, there are plenty of options to watching the Oscars Sunday night . . . I hear Hannity is having a special nine-hour retrospective on presidential blowjobs. No? How about TNT,they’re showing Smokey and the Bandit 11: Behind the Scenes. No? Then I’d go with CMT’s “Montgomery Gentry: Tales of Courage . . . How I Shot a Caged Bear and Survived.”
Good stuff!
#7 Bilgeman . . . Great idea! They should have done that with George Tenet’s Medal of Freedom.
#11 Meryl . . . a bunch of self-absorbed, anti-common sense, overdressed, preening men and underweight women with drug and alcohol and self-image problems giving each other prizes for how remarkably wonderful they each are, and looking for opportunities to spew their hatred for common and conservative people
Wow! Clint Eastwood never struck me that way. Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman, Meryl Streep, Will Smith, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tom Hanks, Jody Foster, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Sinise, and too many more to list, they don’t seem like that.
#6 TomJW . . . “They have the usual list of movies nominated that I only started hearing about from the news of the other awards shows. None of which I will ever see.”
You do know that the nominated movies are different every year, right? And if you never see any of them, how do you know they’re bad?
You continue . . . “Hollywood should make good movies that everyone wants to see and then only nominate them for awards to genrate interest. Not going to happen though.”
Letters From Iwo Jima, A Beautiful Mind, Titanic, The Fugitive, Schindler’s List, Gladiator, Braveheart, Forrest Gump, Dances with Wolves, Platoon, Gandhi, The Godfather, Patton . . . anything in there that’s any good? They’re all Best Picture winners.
Kyle Smith:
“No disrespect to our gay brothers and sisters, but perhaps they can be persuaded to watch even without those excruciating Broadway interludes.”
No disrespect taken…but do you actually know any gay people who watch the Oscars now? “Not even to see Hugh Jackman in a dinner jacket,” as a buddy of mine put it. The performances strike me more as the producers’ incompetent attempts at the sort of Spectacle they think would wow Peoria, anyway.
Move the ceremony to the set of “Ninja Warrior” and make the nominees run the gauntlet.
Speaking of movies, did anyone else notice how much that older movie actress married to Billie Bob looks like the Octo-Mom?
They should have a trapdoor on stage that would immediately swallow up anyone who spouted a political diatribe; thanked their lawyer, therapist, or stylist; or flubbed their lines while reading the teleprompter.
One- You seem to be a little limp wristed. Ever take it in your head to make money?
There was a time when popular movies and Oscar winning movies were one and the same: Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, Mutiny on the Bounty, All About Eve. Hollywood has made a choice to make films that “educate” instead of entertain the great unwashed masses. The last time I watched an Oscars, American Beauty won best picture. That such a sad, perverse film should be awarded that honor was a harbinger of things to come. It’s a sad joke that I would only watch if Kathy Griffin hosted.
21. Bigddan: Your voice sounds familiar.
Quick. Somebody punch Mickey Rourke in the face. It`ll improve his look.
P.S. Kate Winslet is a babe
“Oscar Predictions: Do we need them? Does it matter? Is anybody watching?)”
Not since John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, Kirk Douglas, Gregory Peck, Charleton Heston, Gary Cooper, etc died. With the exception of Clint Eastwood, are there any real men left in Hollywood?
Cut out lame ‘banter’ and production numbers. If you are going to have entertainment, actually go to the trouble of creating something entertaining.
Billy Crystal’s beginning segments where he places himself into the year’s most popular or critically acclaimed films was a hoot.
One:
No, we just think the “most creative people in America” aren’t very creative at all (nice use of grammar, by the way, confusing “your” and “you’re” – hope you’re not teacher).
Oops: *hope you’re not a teacher
No need to give this guy any ammo.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
27, Hotspur . . . Actually that’s not grammar. That’s spelling. (In truth, a typo.) Don’t need your ammo.
There are way too many awards shows that praise Hollywood about the same garbage (Oscars, Grammy’s, Tony’s, Emmy’s, Latin Grammy’s, VMA’s, Sag Awards, BET Awards, VH1 awards, Country Music awards, Golden Globes, NAACP image awards,MTV awards, People’s Choice,BAFTA, etc.) The list is virtually endless. Were there always so many awards shows before? It seems like it’s overkill now. They only praise the same 10 people like 1000 times every year. It’s so ridiculous. I used to watch these shows when I was a child but now, I just wish they will all disappear. Most of these “actors” can’t act to save their lives! In a time of recession, I would hate to see celebs gush over a $50,000 gown, with a $200,000+ necklace while accepting their 15th award that basically says the same blasted thing!
NO MORE AWARDS SHOWS!!!!!!!
Now just hold your horses! Hollywood is creative? I haven’t seen an actual creative movie in many a moon! And when a creative one does come along, the big awards go instead to the self-congratulatory or preachy ones.
Here’s an alternate interpretation of Hollywood for you: They deeply resent that they actually have to depend on the public to earn their living. Unfortunatly for them , making movies is so expensive that it can only be financed by the public (at 200 million plus per picture, who else but the public could every afford it?). They are angry that we, the people, won’t pay for their pet projects.
I suggest that Hollywood should split into two entities. One makes movies that people actually want to see. The other makes self-indulgent vanity projects on patronage for the wealthy. Think of it like the Medici Family, except that instead of Michaelangelo’s sculptures, they get to watch Che and Milk in their own drawing rooms and salons.
And then they get to give each other awards. Oh, they’ll still sneer at us regular folks, but at least we don’t have to hear it.
The Oscars: The Envelopes, Please . . .
These are the considered opinions of someone who doesn’t really give much of a flying fig who wins and who loses tomorrow night’s Oscars:
MY PICKS:
Best Picture: It’s a tossup between “Milk” and Frost-Nixon.” Hollywood will be sorely torn between effectively honoring one of its own, dead gay guy Harvey Milk, and slamming a favorite pinata, dead President Richard Nixon. Will love or hatred win the night? My guess would be “Milk,” since so many Hollywoodians can identify with Harvey and with Sean Penn.
Best Director: Ron Howard for “Frost/Nixon.” Opie wins if he loses for best picture. It doesn’t matter, anyway, since Clint Eastwood should have won for “Gran Torino” but he never made the ballot for some reason. Howard chose a great vehicle for his picture and Eastwood made the mistake of choosing a true-to-life vehicle and movie which demonstrated that even conservatives can have hearts. That absurd concept had to have repulsed the Oscar committee.
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler.” Rourke has been in recovery for 23 years after his strenuous efforts in “Nine 1/2 Weeks” and Hollywood can relate to extended rehab. (His co-star in the latter film, Kim Basinger, may have been exhausted as well and she is still in recovery, whether from that 1986 film or from her marriage to Father of the Year, Alec Baldwin.)
Best Actress: I’m betting on Kate Winslet for “The Reader” since they owe her one and because I can’t stand the sight of Meryl Streep. Winslet, however, may have inadvertently voided her Actor’s Equity membership by announcing she would never again appear nekkid in a movie; Streep could appear nekkid on my lawn and I’d throw rocks at her and sic the squirrels on her.
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger as The Joker in “The Dark Knight” because he was good in Mel Gibson’s “The Patriot” which was before he was seduced by the drug culture, the prime outlet for actors and actresses trying to make sense of their lives. Josh Brolin only has a shot if Babs Streisand reminded the Oscar people of “Funny Girl.” Robert Downey, Jr. has a chance if people are into Al Jolsen’s black face, not likely with President Obama in office. Philip Seymour Hoffman could snag the award if Hollywood one again wants to humiliate the Catholic Church.
Best Supporting Actress: Hands down, Amy Adams in “Doubt,” because she’s cute even if she does play a nun. Ever since her association with Seinfeld’s George Costanza, Marisa Tomei lost points in my book. Black actresses Viola Davis or Taraji P. Henson could cop the statuette because of their race, which also puts them in contention.
Best Whatevers: Does anyone really care?
(http://genelalor.com)
It’s not worth the time. I don’t care about these people or their self adoration.
“De-gayify…If there’s anything Oscar desperately needs, it’s to get rid of its showstopping (i.e., funstopping) song-and-dance numbers.”
Such slander! I loathe musicals and song and dance numbers.
But then, I don’t much like the insipid word “gay”: not because “we” are “not happy” but because it makes me think of kindergarten, with its primary colors, smiley faces, and mandatory happiness adjustment training.
A much more interesting question might be, is “gay” an improbable, politically-correct rewrite of “homosexual”, or is “gay” a subclass of obnoxious, politically-correct homosexuals nobody else wants to sleep with?
This is a much more pressing question for intelligent libertarian queers like me.
I’m watching Alec Guinness movies this weekend anyway.
16. one of your own:
Feb 21, 2009 – 9:38 am
Commercials: They present ideals that digest me as the wonderful part of the movie, or simply it’s about something I don’t care about. Next, dreck reviews for the movies. This could be a bad review from a critic I respect or a gushing review from an idiot critic.
How many of the movies you listed where from the same year? A good movie every once in a while doesn’t mean the Oscar show is worthwhile. Patton: that’s a different era in movie making. I still think ‘The Lion in Winter’ is the best movie ever. Nowadays there is too many dreck movies and the industry prefers movies I can’t stand.
No reason to waste more of my time on it.
36. TomJW writes . . . “How many of the movies you listed where from the same year? A good movie every once in a while doesn’t mean the Oscar show is worthwhile.”
TomJW, there is something you’re still not grasping. All the pictures, as I noted, were Best Picture winners. As I also noted, they nominate different pictures every year. That includes Bet Picture nominees. Sooooo, none of the pictures I listed were from the same year.
Tomorrow we tackle “how to carry the 1.”
While I’m at it, here’s one for #32 class clown, who writes . . . “They deeply resent that they actually have to depend on the public to earn their living.” . . . Anybody here who doesn’t rely on the public to make their living? As for “self-indulgent vanity projects on patronage for the wealthy”, we already have that. It’s called the EIB Network.
(Geez, this is exhausting.)
Who watches the Oscars anymore? Not my family.
I just discovered that if I fastforward through all of one of your own’s spam in every comment section here on PJM I can get through the comments in about 10 seconds. Nice.
I think we need an IQ test for commenters.
Not going to waste time watching, but will bet that tonight’s Oscars will be schmeared with Obamalove, even though no blacks (or mulattoes) are in the non-nerd lineup.
The only way to one-up Saddlesore Canyon for Best Picture or Al Gore for his fictional documentary slideshow would be to give Best Actor to Sean Penn (for anything but Ridgemont High) as a tribute to his anti-Bush activities.
More and more I believe George C. Scott had the right attitude.