Get PJ Media on your Apple

Drunkblogging Wednesday’s GOP Presidential Debate

It's Martinis for Michigan, as Steve Green drunkblogged yet another debate.

by
Stephen Green

Bio

November 9, 2011 - 4:38 pm

Steve will be arriving momentarily…

4:40PM Tonight’s drunkblog presents a new challenge. It’s not the general awfulness of one these joint-press-conferences-disguised-as-a-debate. It’s not the specific awfulness of the moderators. And it certainly isn’t the quality of the booze, I assure you. These are problems I’d conquered, as much as is possible, long ago. No, the problem is my stupid thyroid. I’m so amped up this week that I sober up almost as quickly as I can drink.

And as longtime VodkaPundit readers know, I can drink a lot.

So stick with me and let’s see how this goes. It might just be the world’s first-ever buzz-free drunkblog.

4:47PM I’d like to amend that 4:40PM entry. (All times Pacific.) I have no on my desk a jug of whiskey and enough ice to sink the Titanic. I’m just going to power through this thing.

4:49PM The following is a conversation I had with my five-year-old son, Preston, just a few minutes ago.

Me: I have to cover the debate tonight, so I won’t be at dinner.
Son: What’s a debate?
Me: It’s when politicians argue on TV.
Son: How long until they agree?
Me: They don’t.
Son: That’s stupid. Am I allowed to say stupid?
Me: Not about your friends. But politicians are OK.

4:55PM CNBC has thoughtfully provided a room full of college students too foolish to avoid running up less than 50k worth of debt for bachelors degrees in Things You Can’t Monetize.

4:57PM PJMedia’s Austin editor, Bryan Preston, has a live chat going. Open that in a new window and keep an eye on both. You’ll be so informed, you’ll think you’re Alec Baldwin.

5:01PM CNBC just called Michigan “a snapshot of America’s pain.”

No, Michigan is a preview of our pain, if we don’t change course.

5:02PM Here we go…

5:03PM How many more of these before they stop inviting Santorum and Bachmann? I mean, if they can’t have Gary Johnson, there’s no reason for those two.

5:04PM Big applause for Herman Cain. I’m afraid the conservative backlash against his MSM treatment might make him the nominee. And I have enough nines already, thank you very much.

5:04PM Jim Cramer is going to be asking questions!

5:05PM No opening or closing statements tonight, which takes away two damn fine reasons to drink.

I’ll make up for it. Promise.

5:05PM To Cain: Save Italy.

5:06PM Cain: I’ll make us so rich, we can buy Italy like a college kid buys a pizza.

I might have paraphrased. But there’s also stuff about a strong dollar and a weak Obama… and I’m sure if he keeps going he’ll say something germaine.

5:06PM To Romney: Should we allow Italy to fail?

5:07PM Romney: Yup.

Except Romney never says Yup. But you knew that already.

5:08PM To Romney: Do we ditch the IMF then?

Romney: Shucks, darlin’, we can help the IMF.

Except you know Romney never said that.

5:08PM Romney is now saying we’ll end up like Italy in four or five years. Or — and this is frightening — like Michigan.

5:09PM Cramer is talking to Ron Paul, but mostly he’s covering his microphone in spittle.

5:09PM Paul: “This bubble was predictable” and the Fed FED FED BAWK BAWK BAWK!

5:10PM Huntsman: My hair is just as nice as Romney’s. And also things about Italy and Too Big to Fail.

5:12PM To Romney: Why don’t you love bailouts except when you love bailouts?

5:12PM Romney: I’m from Michigan, I love Michigan, and I will do whatever it takes to help Michigan, especially if it involves flips or flops.

5:13PM Followup to Romney: Seriously, why are you such a flipflopper?

5:14PM Romney: I’ve been married to the same woman for more years than I can properly remember — I’m no flipflopper!

5:15PM To Perry: Why aren’t you a flipflopper like Mitt? (I swear I’m not exaggerating.)

5:16PM Perry: Government won’t pick winners and losers, not like in Texas.

5:17PM To Newt: Why is tax reform so important to job creation?

Newt: I’d fire Ben Bernanke. [BIG CHEERS]

We like GOP audiences, because they know the really good applause lines.

5:17PM Out of Context Line of the Night: “Finally, class warfare!” – Newt.

5:18PM Bachmann: “Taxes lead to jobs leaving the country.”

5:19PM Bachmann: “We have to legalize American energy.”

Nice line, but she rushed it and stepped on it and everyone but me missed it.

5:20PM To Santorum: Simplify taxes?

Santorum: Herp, derp, derp.

Sorry, but some people just bring out that human instinct to drop cinder blocks on their toes. That’s what Santorum does for me.

5:21PM Santorum: “I’m different than a many of them.”

5:21PM To Cain: Are you really the schmuck the MSM says you are? (There were boos to this question.)

5:22PM Cain: “Unfounded accusations.” And wild applause. I’m serious: GOP backlash to the MSM might just give this guy the nomination and Obama four more years in the White House.

5:23PM To Romney: Would you fire Herman Cain? (Big boos.)

Romney: I’m so presidential, I’m not going to put down somebody I’m sure I can beat in a fair vote.

5:23PM CNBC is putting on a circus. A big, dumb circus.

5:25PM Huntsman bravely took a stand: “I want to be President of the 99%. I also want to be President of the 1%.”

He also likes capitalism and hates bailouts and enjoys long walks on the beach and lots of jobs for everyone.

5:26PM To Romney (again): Why do you love that evil Milton Friedman unless you don’t?

5:26PM Romney: I love profits AND people.

We’ll call this maneuver “the Huntsman.”

5:27PM Really, what Romney is saying is correct. And yet he still came across as a flipflopper.

5:28PM Perry: I have a flat tax to get people making money and working. Also, I have a flag.

Seriously. He said that.

5:28PM Newt: I’m going to teach those OWS fools some history.

Not a bad idea. Probably better than running for President.

5:30PM Cramer: We have oil in North Dakota, should we give them federal handouts to get things started?

5:30PM Santorum: “Let the marketplace work.” Also, “thank you for letting me be on TV again tonight.”

I made up that second part.

5:31PM Back to tax reform. Question to Cain: Isn’t 9-9-9 really mean to poor people?

5:32PM Cain: “I throw out the current tax code… 9-9-9… it’s simple… it’s transparent.”

True. I still think it’s dangerous to give Washington a sales tax and an income tax at the same time. They catch you coming and going. With a buzzsaw, eventually.

5:34PM To Romney: Why do you hate tax reform?

Romney: I’d like a flatter tax. To help the middle class. And Obama is killing the middle class.

Please note that Romney is the only one consistently acting like a nominee, taking the fight to Obama.

That’s not an endorsement, just an observation.

5:36PM Bachmann: Obama needs to talk to job creators, not to “General Axelrod.”

Again, a good line. Again, she delivered it so flat that nobody noticed. “General Axelrod” — I wish I’d thought of that!

5:36PM Ron Paul: My tax plan is to cut spending.

Ah-flipping-men.

5:38PM Bless Paul for demanding an interest rate increase. Bernanke’s “free” money is killing us. When stuff is free, people get stupid — and money has been essentially free for years now. See what it’s done for us?

5:39PM Commercial break, and let me be honest and tell you I need the rest.

5:39PM Commercial break, and let me be honest and tell you I need the rest.

5:41PM I see what CNBC is trying to do — keep things moving, keep the Controversy Quotient in the high three digits, and provide a lot fo shouting.

Well, they got the last part down pat. The rest is a fair-to-middling flop so far.

5:42PM Hang tight — CNBC’s webcast just froze up. I’m working on it.

5:48PM Technical problems, but I think me and my crack team (also me) has things fixed now. Lesson: Chrome is a very naughty browser and can’t be trusted.

5:48PM I came in late, so I have no idea of Bachmann is talking about. But I’m used to that.

5:49PM Newt: Why did you take money from Frannie and Freddie?

Newt: They didn’t take my advice.

Nicely done, Newt.

5:50PM Newt: Break up Frannie and Freddie.

Big applause. Smart audience.

5:51PM Cain: The real problem is “growing this economy.”

5:51PM I know I’ve complained about CNBC, but give them kudos for mostly staying out of the gutter on the Cain allegations.

5:52PM Cain: “You don’t solve a problem from right in the middle of it.”

I’m not the only one drunk, it seems.

5:53PM Huntsman: There are real issues, very real issues, with slack.

5:54PM Huntsman would charge fees to giant banks to do… something.

That’s his solution to Too Big to Fail?

5:54PM Huntsman is just flailing now.

5:55PM Tips for newbies: Don’t use the word “efficacious” on national TV.

5:55PM Paul: We ought to have the right to “opt out of everything.”

Can I get an amen?

5:56PM Perry is on again, but it’s impossible not to notice that he’s been dumped by the hosts into the second tier of candidates.

5:57PM Cain: “Princess Nancy sent it to committee.”

Lines like that are why I love Cain despite my problems with his program.

5:57PM Romney: My plan is so presidential I need to point my many fingers in all kinds of directions.

5:58PM Newt: “My colleagues have done an excellent job of answering an absurd question.”

And that’s why I love Newt.

5:59PM Newt will also challenge Obama to “seven Lincoln-Douglass style debates.”

I’d watch. I’d require a liver transplant, but I’d watch.

6:00PM Newt just did a spiel about iron lungs and the polio vaccine. And conservatives wonder why people think the GOP is out-of-date.

6:01PM Santorum: I’m on TV!

6:02PM Santorum: I’ve led on many failed initiatives. MANY failed initiatives.

6:02PM Santorum has this in common with Obama: He loves to preen about how ineffectual he is.

6:03PM Romney: I can’t beleive I’m being called on to respond to anything Rick Santorum said.

6:05PM Romney: Yes, I do think there needs to be a very large government role, in a very small-government way.

That’s Romnomics in a nutshell.

6:05PM Ron Paul: I’m going cut the crap out of crap.

I had to work overtime to make that PG-13.

6:06PM Next commercial break.

6:09PM Next commercial break.

6:11PM Next commercial break.

6:12PM Rick Santelli — godfather of the Tea Party — will be on this segment.

6:12PM Do I really have to keep blogging answers from Rick Santorum?

6:14PM The kids who get a trophy just for showing up for a soccer game where nobody kept score? That’s Santorum at this debate. And at all the other debates.

By the way, feel free to repeat what I just wrote, replacing “Santorum” with the barely-candidate of your choice.

6:14PM To Romney: Man, you love to raise some taxes, huh?

6:15PM Romney: In MA, I “was always in an away game” with all the Dems in the assembly.

Cripes, but that’s a good line. I refuse to accept the inevitable, but I can’t help but thinking he’s inevitable.

6:16PM Perry: Texas nabbed Caterpillar!

6:17PM Perry: I will eliminate three departments of government, if only I could remember what they are.

Worst moment of the night. Seriously, Bachmann would have to flash her chest to do anything worth than Perry right now.

6:18PM Cain: “The government has no business picking winners and losers…” RE, NLRB and Boeing.

Which he then tied back to 999.

I need a drink.

6:19PM To Newt: How will you fund entitlements with this extended payroll tax holiday?

6:20PM Newt: It’s LBJ’s fault.

As a history buff, I love the history lessons. The GOP electorate? Not so much.

6:22PM Romney: “I don’t want to raise taxes on people in the middle of a recession.”

This is GOP boilerplate, but they’ve got to cut entitlements to match the FIFA tax cuts.

6:23PM Bachmann: “Obama did this [tax cut] for political reasons.”

Ummm….

6:24PM Huntsman says he’s lonely. Wait’ll he sees the Iowa caucuses

6:27PM To Paul: How would you bribe indebted college students to vote for you?

Paul: “Student loans is a total failure.”

6:29PM Huh. Paul also want to “end the Fed.” Who knew?

6:29PM To Newt: C’mon, won’t YOU pander to this room we filled with idiot college kids?

6:30PM Newt: No. The kids are idiots.

I paraphrase.

6:31PM Hey, Perry finally remembered that third department he’d eliminate.

Yeeeee-HAAAAAAAAAW.

6:32PM My own claim to shame: I once thought Perry would be The Guy.

#facepalm

6:34PM Honestly? I would rather lose control of my bowels in a crowded elevator than be Rick Perry on that stage tonight.

6:37PM Honestly? I would rather lose control of my bowels in a crowded elevator than be Rick Perry on that stage tonight.

6:38PM We’re back, a little late after another CNBC.com freeze-up. And Herman Cain is talking about bunches of nines.

I have no idea if I’m watching a live feed, a tape delay, or video from the future.

6:39PM Romney: “China is playing by different rules.”

6:39PM Romney: I would so tell on China

6:40PM To Newt: “How would you move the needle?”

Newt: I’d turn it up to eleven!

6:42PM Huntsman: “It’s a troublesome and problematic relationship” with China, but I will, as President, totally suck up to my friends in Beijing.

6:43PM “Governor Romney, are you pandering?”

Romney: Oh, heavens, no!

6:44PM To Bachmann: How do you open up the Chinese market to American goods?

Bachmann: China is nasty.

Yes, I paraphrased, but not by much.

6:45PM I have a solution to “enriching China with our money.” And that is: Make our money worthless.

Oh, wait –

6:45PM To Cain: Please answer the damn question with something other than a bunch of nines.

6:46PM Cain: We will provide certainties. And…. ack… can’t… must… WE HAVE NINES!!! Nine nine nine. I have them. You want them. NIIIIIIIIINES.

6:48PM Cain: The problem with Dodd-Frank is “Dodd and Frank.”

Oh, sweet jeebus, that was good.

6:48PM Perry: At this late hour, it is important to remember that I remember stuff. Maybe not all the stuff I’m saying in this moment, but important stuff nonetheless.

6:49PM Paul: “If you’re going after crony capitalism, I’m all for it.”

6:54PM Normally, I would do a wrap right about now, and try to sound much wiser than I actually am, after having drank a fishbowl full of whiskey and ice.

We, speaking editorially, will not be doing that tonight.

Instead, I’ll leave you with one small thought, and I hope it’s something you will take to bed with you, cuddle with it a little bit, and then try to remember its name tomorrow morning. And it is this:

As bad a job as CNBC did hosting tonight’s pretend debate, there is no way — not even if CNBC used CGI to replace the candidate’s faces with with Carrot Top’s — that the debate as a whole could suck even 1% less than Rick Perry forgetting his own program, live and on national TV.

6:55PM Normally, I would do a wrap right about now, and try to sound much wiser than I actually am, after having drank a fishbowl full of whiskey and ice.

We, speaking editorially, will not be doing that tonight.

Instead, I’ll leave you with one small thought, and I hope it’s something you will take to bed with you, cuddle with it a little bit, and then try to remember its name tomorrow morning. And it is this:

As bad a job as CNBC did hosting tonight’s pretend debate, there is no way — not even if CNBC used CGI to replace the candidate’s faces with with Carrot Top’s — that the debate as a whole could suck even 1% less than Rick Perry forgetting his own program, live and on national TV.

Stephen Green began blogging at VodkaPundit.com in early 2002, and has served as PJMedia's Denver editor since 2008. He's one of the hosts on PJTV, and one-third of PJTV's Trifecta team with Scott Ott and Bill Whittle. Steve lives with his wife and sons in the hills and woods of Monument, Colorado, where he enjoys the occasional lovely adult beverage.
Click here to view the 115 legacy comments

Comments are closed.