The problem with the response to the SOTU is it always looks smaller — no matter how much bigger the man.
So I’m going to do Marco Rubio, for whom I have a great deal of respect, a favor by not drunkblogging his official response.
I’m watching right now, and I like wait I see. But if the SOTU has become a gimmick, and it has, then the official response is a kind of a cheap gimmick. And that has nothing to do with the person delivering it, and everything to do with the absurd circus American politics has become.
Thanks, Senator, for throwing yourself on this grenade. But you aren’t saving or helping anyone.
“Smart government” should have long ago eclipsed “military intelligence” as our favorite oxymoron.
You know what else is deficit-neutral? Not spending more money.
Just a thought.
BREAKING: Chris Dorner is confirmed dead, but too late for President Obama to use the State of the Union to dance around the corpse.
I suppose I ought to stick around for Marco Rubio’s response.
Hey, where’s the shoutout for retired SSG Clint Romesha, who you just pinned a MOH on yesterday?
But how many times did she vote? That’s what I want to know.
Playing to the base, knowing it will go nowhere, making the GOP look like killers.
So old. So obvious. So effective.
This is the ugliest/stupidest thing I’ve seen in 11 years of blogging, and I spent most of those covering George W. Freaking Bush. I know from stupid.
“Gabby Giffords deserves a vote.”
WTF? Did she move and forget to re-register?
If it saves the life of just one child… ban swimming pools.
If Obama mentions Chicago here, take a shot — of heroin.
The closeup on Diane Feinstein reveals that she knows she’s already lost.
And that’s the kind of thing that fills my heart with happy.
Here comes the non-starter gun-control portion of the speech.
I am so proud of that last item, I can hardly contain myself. Seriously, I’m totally ditching my pants.
“Improve the voting experience in America.”
My own modest proposal? A two-drink minimum.
So here’s where Obama proposes things to stop Republicans from stealing losing elections.
I thought after 30 years of watching and covering the news that I knew what boilerplate was. And then Obama started talking foreign policy.
“We’ll remain the anchor of alliances.”
The big, heavy thing that sinks?
We’re going to make Africa rich. With partnerships. And comprehensiveness.
Comprehensive! Partnership! Europe!
This is the Progressive version of 50 Shades of Gray.
I’m more bored than drunk. And that’s saying something.
Anonymous is gonna be pissed…
Um… Mr. President? Russia doesn’t honestly care about our nukes.
We’re going to stop Iran from getting nukes. Because coalition. So there.
Wow. John Kerry has a very good Serious Face. We’d better get used to that.
“No one should take my word for it.”
I’m laughing like the Joker and crying like Smokey Robinson.
Um… Mr. President? It was the French who invaded Mali. But I do understand your confusion.
“The organization that attacked us on 9/11 is a shadow of its former self.”
Did I already mention Ambassador Stevens?
“By this time next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over.”
Huh. The speech was only nine minutes late.
We beat al Qaeda! Ambassador Stevens will be so happy to hear that.
“Do more to encourage fatherhood.”
Maybe we could start by not paying for other people’s condoms.
Just a thought.
“Let’s offer incentives,” says the man who was just bemoaning tax loopholes.
“Let’s tie the minimum wage to the cost of living.”
Let’s tie our testicles to a large rock, then throw the large rock off a high bridge.
Unemployment is too high. So we’re going to raise the minimum wage.
Did I already tell my Mizzou drunk story?
Sandra Fluke is so excited right now, her heels are touching the ceiling.
OK, low bar.
“But we can’t stop there.”
Correction: THAT is what I’m afraid of.
“Let’s get it done.”
That, Mr. President, is what I’m afraid of.
Dude, you reversed illegal crossings back into Mexico.
The only big applause line tonight, the only one, was the one on “comprehensive immigration reform.”
Pretty sure that one’s pavlovian, too.
“We’ve made college more affordable.”
There was this night my sophomore year at Mizzou when I got so drunk at this frat party I crashed, that I found myself in my dorm shower at 3AM, fully dressed, with the water on all-cold, screaming, “GET THE POISON OUT OF MY BODY.”
But I feel more sick now after that bit about college costs.
That “smarter curricula” has all but eliminated algebra for eight-graders.
Because math am hard.
Head Start saves money! SPEND MOAR MONIES TO SAVE MOAR MONIES.
If Orwell were writing 2084, there’d be a ministry pyramid with “Spending is Saving” carved into it.
SPEND MOAR HEADSTART!
Totally did not see that one coming.
Hey, if he can rerun proposals, I can rerun gags.
“Let’s streamline the process,” says the guy who confessed he didn’t know that shovel-ready jobs weren’t shovel-ready.
The guy who brags about Dood-Frank (well, not bragging about it tonight) is complaining people can’t get credit.
Did I already make the joke about the trash guys and my liquor bottles?
Huh. Infrastructure spending. Totally did not see that one coming.
Obama fix bridges.
Wow. He almost got a laugh line there.
Seriously, the rest of this drunkblog could consist of nothing more than the world’s longest, sustained F-bomb, and I’d feel like I earned my paycheck.
All that new oil production Obama had nothing to do with, and yet has been bragging about? He just proposed taxing it.
There are not enough swear words.
Hee-hee. I must be drunk, because I swear I just heard Obama say something about cutting red tape.
If Congress wants to “protect future generations,” they’ll stop spending money we don’t have, Mr. President.
I’m hearing an awful lot of spending proposals Obama wants to take credit for, and an awful lot of vague spending “reforms” for which he’ll blame Congress — whether they pass or not.
Five SOTUs is apparently my Obama limit. This could get ugly.
Whew. OK. Bear with me. I need to calm down.
Investments. Green energy. Human genome. Brains and organs. Batteries.
Stop. Just stop. You want to invest, invest some of your own considerable book royalties, you grifting one-percenter.
Great. Fifteen government-industrial hubs. I suppose they’ll be connected by high-speed trains. Which Obama will make run on time.
Correction: Apple will start making some Mac Minis in America again. From components produced in Asia, where it’s still legal to produce circuit boards.
Even the Democrats — while giving a standing O — look like, “Four more years, really? WTF?”
American Jobs Act!
Holy cow, I knew this speech was going to be a retread, but I wouldn’t have even remembered this one if he hadn’t brought it up.
Boehner looks stoned. I wish I were.
OMG. “The greatest nation on earth cannot continue drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.”
This is like me berating the trash guys for all the empty liquor bottles they haul away from the end of my drive.
This is the guy who sabotaged every attempt at tax reform, now claiming the tax reform mantel. The audacity of bullshit, it never ceases to amaze.
Huh. I can’t prove anything for sure, but I somehow get the impression he’s reading off a teleprompter.
The class warfare. I cannot take much more of it.
“I am open to additional reforms from both parties…”
This will play out like immigration reform. Tell Congress to come up with something, sabotage the results, then blame the Republicans for obstructionism.
Whoa… NOW he’s willing to embrace Simpson-Bowles?
I’ll believe that when he plays real cards on the table. In the meantime, I believe you’ll find Simpson and Bowles in the same closet where Obama locked them three years ago.
“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”
But we can spend our way there! Hoo-ahh!
“The need for modest reforms” to Medicare.
But we’re going to make the rich pay more. Again.
Biden heard applause and woke up. It’s pavlovian.
Um… Mr. President, who suggested the sequester?
Faced with actual cuts, real cuts in real time, Obama blinks. And he’s the one who proposed them.
Ha! Fake 2.5 trillion in deficit reduction over a decade takes us halfway to solvency.
We’re gonna need more zeroes.
We need to make “basic decisions about our budget.”
Enacting one might be a start.
“The American public doesn’t expect the government to solve every problem.” But I get the feeling that’s not going to stop him from trying.
He’s going to open doors For The Children™.
I think we’re supposed to grow the economy from the middle out, but I’m not sure how that squares with Michelle’s diet plans for us all.
Crap. He’s not finished with the economy.
“We have cleared away the rubble of crisis.” Now we just need to clear away the behemoth of ObamaCare and Dodd-Frank.
We’re buying more American cars and less foreign oil!
“Our brave men and women are coming home.”
We still don’t have an explanation for the additional 100,000 that were sent to Afghanistan, but at least they’re coming home.
“There is much progress to report.”
We’re starting with a JFK reference. “Partners for progress.”
Biden looks like he’s already asleep.
Remember: Refresh with the blue Updates bar instead of the refresh button. You’ll help save our servers.
Biden and Boehner have just been awarded fabulous consolation prizes.
Here we go…
The green ribbon is for Sandy Hook, I’m told.
Boomark this for later: http://senseofevents.blogspot.com/2013/02/obama-must-confront-ha-ha-ha-ha.html
Dear Wolf Blitzer: This circus is NOT mandated by the Constitution. And that’s not a partisan complaint, either. I invented drunkblogging when Bush was giving one of his many clusterfudge speeches.
What does the green ribbon represent? Biden and Reid are each wearing one, so maybe it’s some sort of Mormon/Irish unity thing.
Blue tie? Blue tie.
Only nine or so minutes late.
For those who are wondering, I’ve already segued to scotch. Sinatra to follow.
My lord, but Jennifer Granholm is a well-programmed progbot.
No, I don’t actually have an embargoed transcript of the President’s speech. But if I did, it would say, “I SPEND ALL THE MONIES!”
It looks like if you hit that blue “update” bar, it only updates the new posts, instead of the whole page. That’s going to be much nicer to the Amiga 500 they run my drunkblogs on, so please hit the blue bar instead of refresh.
Should the worst happen, prepare yourself for President Chu.
Correction: Second worst.
I should note that Medal of Honor recipient, Clinton Romesha, declined Michelle Obama’s invitation to sit with her here tonight.
A failed governor, a failed presidential candidate, a failed advisor, and somebody I can only sort-of recognize. These are our betters according to CNN.
Drink up, folks.
I’m watching this CNN panel of the powerful & rich — real DC brokers. And I can’t help thinking we’d be better off with Caligula’s horse.
“His fourth pivot back to jobs in the last three years, hitting Republicans… ”
I swear that’s what the CNN reporter just said without any trace of irony.
I was kidding about the unicorns thing. My actual pre-release transcript says “A bunch of stuff the House won’t agree to.”
Thank you, Wolf Blitzer, for reminding us that the President will be shaking hands as he walks down the House chamber aisle. Maybe we could use another Howard Kurtz or two.
There’s a nice little “Update” bar that will appear at the top when I post updates. If you don’t see the bar, don’t update. If you do see the bar, tell the barkeep I could use a refill.
One little request, dear readers. We’re trying new liveblogging software which is supposed to protect our servers from the meltdowns my drunkblogging always bring — but please don’t refresh too often.
Also, I think you’ll find new posts show up at the top, so that’s 917% less scrolling, and we pass the savings on to you.
I know it’s supposed to be embargoed, but my pre-release SOTU transcript just says, “Unicorns! Unicorns! Unicorns!”
I’m at my desk. I have vodka on one side for getting going, and scotch on the other for when I slip irrevocably into despair. Later, I’ll being my mood back up by alternating the iPod between Sinatra’s torch songs and Joy Division.
I won’t play Overly Smart Pundit by noting how the burning, collapsed cabin in California tonight presages Obama’s blah blah blah blah blah. Because first of all, Twitter is already on it. And secondly, man, isn’t one Howard Kurtz enough?