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Drunkblogging the State of the Union

In order to form a more perfect union of vodka and vermouth.

by
Stephen Green

Bio

February 11, 2013 - 1:23 pm
Stephen Green February 12, 20137:32 pm

The problem with the response to the SOTU is it always looks smaller — no matter how much bigger the man.

So I’m going to do Marco Rubio, for whom I have a great deal of respect, a favor by not drunkblogging his official response.

I’m watching right now, and I like wait I see. But if the SOTU has become a gimmick, and it has, then the official response is a kind of a cheap gimmick. And that has nothing to do with the person delivering it, and everything to do with the absurd circus American politics has become.

Thanks, Senator, for throwing yourself on this grenade. But you aren’t saving or helping anyone.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:25 pm

“Smart government” should have long ago eclipsed “military intelligence” as our favorite oxymoron.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:22 pm

You know what else is deficit-neutral? Not spending more money.

Just a thought.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:17 pm

BREAKING: Chris Dorner is confirmed dead, but too late for President Obama to use the State of the Union to dance around the corpse.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:17 pm

It’s over.

I suppose I ought to stick around for Marco Rubio’s response.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:15 pm

Hey, where’s the shoutout for retired SSG Clint Romesha, who you just pinned a MOH on yesterday?

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:14 pm

But how many times did she vote? That’s what I want to know.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:13 pm

Playing to the base, knowing it will go nowhere, making the GOP look like killers.

So old. So obvious. So effective.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:12 pm

This is the ugliest/stupidest thing I’ve seen in 11 years of blogging, and I spent most of those covering George W. Freaking Bush. I know from stupid.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:11 pm

“Gabby Giffords deserves a vote.”

WTF? Did she move and forget to re-register?

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:11 pm

If it saves the life of just one child… ban swimming pools.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:10 pm

If Obama mentions Chicago here, take a shot — of heroin.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:09 pm

The closeup on Diane Feinstein reveals that she knows she’s already lost.

And that’s the kind of thing that fills my heart with happy.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:08 pm

Here comes the non-starter gun-control portion of the speech.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:08 pm

I am so proud of that last item, I can hardly contain myself. Seriously, I’m totally ditching my pants.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:07 pm

“Improve the voting experience in America.”

My own modest proposal? A two-drink minimum.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:07 pm

So here’s where Obama proposes things to stop Republicans from stealing losing elections.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:04 pm

I thought after 30 years of watching and covering the news that I knew what boilerplate was. And then Obama started talking foreign policy.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:03 pm

“We’ll remain the anchor of alliances.”

The big, heavy thing that sinks?

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:02 pm

We’re going to make Africa rich. With partnerships. And comprehensiveness.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:01 pm

Comprehensive! Partnership! Europe!

This is the Progressive version of 50 Shades of Gray.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:00 pm

I’m more bored than drunk. And that’s saying something.

Stephen Green February 12, 20137:00 pm

Anonymous is gonna be pissed…

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:59 pm

Um… Mr. President? Russia doesn’t honestly care about our nukes.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:59 pm

We’re going to stop Iran from getting nukes. Because coalition. So there.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:58 pm

Wow. John Kerry has a very good Serious Face. We’d better get used to that.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:58 pm

“No one should take my word for it.”

I’m laughing like the Joker and crying like Smokey Robinson.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:57 pm

Um… Mr. President? It was the French who invaded Mali. But I do understand your confusion.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:56 pm

“The organization that attacked us on 9/11 is a shadow of its former self.”

Did I already mention Ambassador Stevens?

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:55 pm

“By this time next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over.”

Huh. The speech was only nine minutes late.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:55 pm

We beat al Qaeda! Ambassador Stevens will be so happy to hear that.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:54 pm

“Do more to encourage fatherhood.”

Maybe we could start by not paying for other people’s condoms.

Just a thought.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:53 pm

“Let’s offer incentives,” says the man who was just bemoaning tax loopholes.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:52 pm

“Let’s tie the minimum wage to the cost of living.”

Let’s tie our testicles to a large rock, then throw the large rock off a high bridge.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:51 pm

Unemployment is too high. So we’re going to raise the minimum wage.

Did I already tell my Mizzou drunk story?

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:50 pm

Sandra Fluke is so excited right now, her heels are touching the ceiling.

OK, low bar.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:49 pm

“But we can’t stop there.”

Correction: THAT is what I’m afraid of.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:49 pm

“Let’s get it done.”

That, Mr. President, is what I’m afraid of.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:48 pm

Dude, you reversed illegal crossings back into Mexico.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:48 pm

The only big applause line tonight, the only one, was the one on “comprehensive immigration reform.”

Pretty sure that one’s pavlovian, too.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:47 pm

“We’ve made college more affordable.”

There was this night my sophomore year at Mizzou when I got so drunk at this frat party I crashed, that I found myself in my dorm shower at 3AM, fully dressed, with the water on all-cold, screaming, “GET THE POISON OUT OF MY BODY.”

True story.

But I feel more sick now after that bit about college costs.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:45 pm

That “smarter curricula” has all but eliminated algebra for eight-graders.

Because math am hard.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:44 pm

Head Start saves money! SPEND MOAR MONIES TO SAVE MOAR MONIES.

If Orwell were writing 2084, there’d be a ministry pyramid with “Spending is Saving” carved into it.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:42 pm

SPEND MOAR HEADSTART!

Totally did not see that one coming.

Hey, if he can rerun proposals, I can rerun gags.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:42 pm

“Let’s streamline the process,” says the guy who confessed he didn’t know that shovel-ready jobs weren’t shovel-ready.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:41 pm

The guy who brags about Dood-Frank (well, not bragging about it tonight) is complaining people can’t get credit.

Did I already make the joke about the trash guys and my liquor bottles?

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:39 pm

Huh. Infrastructure spending. Totally did not see that one coming.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:39 pm

Obama fix bridges.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:39 pm

Wow. He almost got a laugh line there.

Almost.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:38 pm

Seriously, the rest of this drunkblog could consist of nothing more than the world’s longest, sustained F-bomb, and I’d feel like I earned my paycheck.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:38 pm

All that new oil production Obama had nothing to do with, and yet has been bragging about? He just proposed taxing it.

There are not enough swear words.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:37 pm

Hee-hee. I must be drunk, because I swear I just heard Obama say something about cutting red tape.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:36 pm

If Congress wants to “protect future generations,” they’ll stop spending money we don’t have, Mr. President.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:36 pm

I’m hearing an awful lot of spending proposals Obama wants to take credit for, and an awful lot of vague spending “reforms” for which he’ll blame Congress — whether they pass or not.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:34 pm

Five SOTUs is apparently my Obama limit. This could get ugly.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:34 pm

Whew. OK. Bear with me. I need to calm down.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:33 pm

Investments. Green energy. Human genome. Brains and organs. Batteries.

Stop. Just stop. You want to invest, invest some of your own considerable book royalties, you grifting one-percenter.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:32 pm

Great. Fifteen government-industrial hubs. I suppose they’ll be connected by high-speed trains. Which Obama will make run on time.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:32 pm

Correction: Apple will start making some Mac Minis in America again. From components produced in Asia, where it’s still legal to produce circuit boards.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:31 pm

Even the Democrats — while giving a standing O — look like, “Four more years, really? WTF?”

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:31 pm

American Jobs Act!

Holy cow, I knew this speech was going to be a retread, but I wouldn’t have even remembered this one if he hadn’t brought it up.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:29 pm

Boehner looks stoned. I wish I were.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:29 pm

OMG. “The greatest nation on earth cannot continue drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.”

This is like me berating the trash guys for all the empty liquor bottles they haul away from the end of my drive.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:28 pm

This is the guy who sabotaged every attempt at tax reform, now claiming the tax reform mantel. The audacity of bullshit, it never ceases to amaze.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:28 pm

Huh. I can’t prove anything for sure, but I somehow get the impression he’s reading off a teleprompter.

[/obligatorytotusjoke]

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:26 pm

The class warfare. I cannot take much more of it.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:26 pm

“I am open to additional reforms from both parties…”

This will play out like immigration reform. Tell Congress to come up with something, sabotage the results, then blame the Republicans for obstructionism.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:25 pm

Whoa… NOW he’s willing to embrace Simpson-Bowles?

I’ll believe that when he plays real cards on the table. In the meantime, I believe you’ll find Simpson and Bowles in the same closet where Obama locked them three years ago.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:24 pm

“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”

But we can spend our way there! Hoo-ahh!

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:24 pm

“The need for modest reforms” to Medicare.

But we’re going to make the rich pay more. Again.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:23 pm

Biden heard applause and woke up. It’s pavlovian.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:22 pm

Um… Mr. President, who suggested the sequester?

Faced with actual cuts, real cuts in real time, Obama blinks. And he’s the one who proposed them.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:22 pm

Ha! Fake 2.5 trillion in deficit reduction over a decade takes us halfway to solvency.

We’re gonna need more zeroes.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:21 pm

We need to make “basic decisions about our budget.”

Enacting one might be a start.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:20 pm

“The American public doesn’t expect the government to solve every problem.” But I get the feeling that’s not going to stop him from trying.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:20 pm

He’s going to open doors For The Children™.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:19 pm

I think we’re supposed to grow the economy from the middle out, but I’m not sure how that squares with Michelle’s diet plans for us all.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:19 pm

Crap. He’s not finished with the economy.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:18 pm

“We have cleared away the rubble of crisis.” Now we just need to clear away the behemoth of ObamaCare and Dodd-Frank.

Wait, what?

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:18 pm

We’re buying more American cars and less foreign oil!

Frackin’-a.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:17 pm

“Our brave men and women are coming home.”

We still don’t have an explanation for the additional 100,000 that were sent to Afghanistan, but at least they’re coming home.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:17 pm

“There is much progress to report.”

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:17 pm

We’re starting with a JFK reference. “Partners for progress.”

Biden looks like he’s already asleep.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:16 pm

Remember: Refresh with the blue Updates bar instead of the refresh button. You’ll help save our servers.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:15 pm

Biden and Boehner have just been awarded fabulous consolation prizes.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:15 pm

Here we go…

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:13 pm

The green ribbon is for Sandy Hook, I’m told.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:12 pm

Boomark this for later: http://senseofevents.blogspot.com/2013/02/obama-must-confront-ha-ha-ha-ha.html

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:12 pm

Dear Wolf Blitzer: This circus is NOT mandated by the Constitution. And that’s not a partisan complaint, either. I invented drunkblogging when Bush was giving one of his many clusterfudge speeches.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:11 pm

What does the green ribbon represent? Biden and Reid are each wearing one, so maybe it’s some sort of Mormon/Irish unity thing.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:10 pm

Blue tie? Blue tie.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:09 pm

Only nine or so minutes late.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:08 pm

For those who are wondering, I’ve already segued to scotch. Sinatra to follow.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:07 pm

My lord, but Jennifer Granholm is a well-programmed progbot.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:05 pm

No, I don’t actually have an embargoed transcript of the President’s speech. But if I did, it would say, “I SPEND ALL THE MONIES!”

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:03 pm

It looks like if you hit that blue “update” bar, it only updates the new posts, instead of the whole page. That’s going to be much nicer to the Amiga 500 they run my drunkblogs on, so please hit the blue bar instead of refresh.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:00 pm

Should the worst happen, prepare yourself for President Chu.

Correction: Second worst.

Stephen Green February 12, 20136:00 pm

I should note that Medal of Honor recipient, Clinton Romesha, declined Michelle Obama’s invitation to sit with her here tonight.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:59 pm

A failed governor, a failed presidential candidate, a failed advisor, and somebody I can only sort-of recognize. These are our betters according to CNN.

Drink up, folks.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:56 pm

I’m watching this CNN panel of the powerful & rich — real DC brokers. And I can’t help thinking we’d be better off with Caligula’s horse.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:54 pm

“His fourth pivot back to jobs in the last three years, hitting Republicans… ”

I swear that’s what the CNN reporter just said without any trace of irony.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:53 pm

I was kidding about the unicorns thing. My actual pre-release transcript says “A bunch of stuff the House won’t agree to.”

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:51 pm

Thank you, Wolf Blitzer, for reminding us that the President will be shaking hands as he walks down the House chamber aisle. Maybe we could use another Howard Kurtz or two.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:47 pm

There’s a nice little “Update” bar that will appear at the top when I post updates. If you don’t see the bar, don’t update. If you do see the bar, tell the barkeep I could use a refill.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:44 pm

One little request, dear readers. We’re trying new liveblogging software which is supposed to protect our servers from the meltdowns my drunkblogging always bring — but please don’t refresh too often.

Also, I think you’ll find new posts show up at the top, so that’s 917% less scrolling, and we pass the savings on to you.

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:43 pm

I know it’s supposed to be embargoed, but my pre-release SOTU transcript just says, “Unicorns! Unicorns! Unicorns!”

Stephen Green February 12, 20135:40 pm

I’m at my desk. I have vodka on one side for getting going, and scotch on the other for when I slip irrevocably into despair. Later, I’ll being my mood back up by alternating the iPod between Sinatra’s torch songs and Joy Division.

I won’t play Overly Smart Pundit by noting how the burning, collapsed cabin in California tonight presages Obama’s blah blah blah blah blah. Because first of all, Twitter is already on it. And secondly, man, isn’t one Howard Kurtz enough?

Stephen Green began blogging at VodkaPundit.com in early 2002, and has served as PJMedia's Denver editor since 2008. He's one of the hosts on PJTV, and one-third of PJTV's Trifecta team with Scott Ott and Bill Whittle. Steve lives with his wife and sons in the hills and woods of Monument, Colorado, where he enjoys the occasional lovely adult beverage.
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