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Drunkblogging Obama’s Oval Office Address

Hard to believe, but President Obama's speech is being billed as his first Oval Office address to the nation. Vodkapundit's Stephen Green is ready — martinis in hand.

by
Stephen Green

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June 15, 2010 - 4:45 pm

4:52PM One of the things I usually love about CNN’s web feed is, they give you the raw stuff — including before the President even shows up. That’s not possible when he’s speaking from behind the Resolute desk. And you can insert your own Irresolute joke here.

4:52PM Spill estimates are now up in the range of 35,000-60,000 barrels a day. Note that the bottom end is where the top end was just a couple days ago. Which is how I’m going to feel by the time this address is over.

4:56PM This is a test of the emergency drunkblog system. It is only a test.

4:58PM For reasons unknown even to me, I can’t help thinking these days of Groucho’s seven-cent nickel.

5:00PM I’ve gone from Grey Goose to Absolut Citron on ice. No way I’m wasting more of the good stuff on this guy.

5:01PM While we wait, the best we can do is hope and pray the President convenes a panel of experts. And panel of ass-kicking experts.

5:03PM Yes, he’s comparing the leak to the Terror War and the Great Recession.

5:03PM A team of best scientists and engineers with awards! We’re saved!

5:04PM Wait… strike that last comment. He didn’t cite any credentials for ass-kicking.

5:04PM We’d better nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

5:04PM Shorter Obama: “Hurricanes are easy. Leaks are hard.”

5:05PM Battle plan! Is it an ass-kicking battle plan?

5:05PM 30,000 personnel in four states. Tons of ships. 17,000 Guardsmen.

5:05PM Correction: Ass-kicking personnel.

5:06PM Hey, where’d the boom come from? I know a guy who knows a guy who can get more of that stuff.

5:07PM Speed? Day 57, buddy. I’ve also heard that Gov. Jindal STILL doesn’t have permission to build the sea wall he just ordered built.

5:07PM Just once, I’d like him to keep one whole finger on the desk.

5:07PM One ass-kicking finger.

5:08PM Tomorrow Obama will meet with the CEO of BP. That’s Day 58, if you’re keeping score at home.

But to be fair, setting up a third-party to handle compensation payments is quite sensible. sss-kickingly sensible.

5:09PM The Secretary of the Navy is going to develop a plan. With a panel, and perhaps even a commission.

5:10PM Mr. President? When are those rigs coming back? The ones you drove away with the moratorium? The moratorium that went deeper than the scientists recommended?

5:10PM And an Understanding Commission!

5:11PM OK, so the Commission must do its work thoroughly. But will you be taking off for spelling?

5:11PM I will lose hours of sleep and suffer nightsweats over the image of “corporations pleasing themselves.”

5:12PM We’ve learned lessons! Ass-kicking lessons.

5:12PM Here it comes — the push for cap & trade.

5:13PM They’re drilling a mile beneath the ocean because ANWR is closed and so are the shorelines. (The “you lying bastard” clause at the end is implied.)

5:13PM Countries like China are building coal-fired plants every week. Green coal!

5:14PM Now is the moment! Of a mission! An ass-kicking mission!

5:14PM Do a shot if he mentions Spain.

5:15PM Millions of jobs! By accelerating and seizing! By which he means, he’ll accelerate the seizure of private wealth to keep Al Gore rich.

5:15PM Al Gore: “I’m trying to watch the speech.” Laurie David: “Oh, put down the remote and get in bed, big boy.”

5:16PM He won’t accept inaction! It’s not too big or too difficult to tax! Er, beat.

5:17PM Faith will power your car! Uh… you get out and push.

5:18PM The words are lofty, but — as always with this guy — let’s wait until we see the legislation. Oh, and just this once, I’d like my Congressman to see it before he has to vote on it. Pretty please?

5:19PM Well that was mercifully free of content.

5:20PM Seriously, I feel so unsatisfied.

5:20PM There wasn’t even enough meat to make proper fun of. Proper ass-kicking fun.

5:21PM I keep waiting for somebody else to come on TV, maybe a cabinet member, to read the real speech, the one that tells us… I dunno… stuff.

5:23PM Seriously, sorority girls have done the Walk of Shame home from frat parties feeling more satisfied.

5:24PM You just want to say, “I spent a quarter century conditioning my liver for this?”

Stephen Green began blogging at VodkaPundit.com in early 2002, and has served as PJMedia's Denver editor since 2008. He's one of the hosts on PJTV, and one-third of PJTV's Trifecta team with Scott Ott and Bill Whittle. Steve lives with his wife and sons in the hills and woods of Monument, Colorado, where he enjoys the occasional lovely adult beverage.
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