4:52PM One of the things I usually love about CNN’s web feed is, they give you the raw stuff — including before the President even shows up. That’s not possible when he’s speaking from behind the Resolute desk. And you can insert your own Irresolute joke here.
4:52PM Spill estimates are now up in the range of 35,000-60,000 barrels a day. Note that the bottom end is where the top end was just a couple days ago. Which is how I’m going to feel by the time this address is over.
4:56PM This is a test of the emergency drunkblog system. It is only a test.
4:58PM For reasons unknown even to me, I can’t help thinking these days of Groucho’s seven-cent nickel.
5:00PM I’ve gone from Grey Goose to Absolut Citron on ice. No way I’m wasting more of the good stuff on this guy.
5:01PM While we wait, the best we can do is hope and pray the President convenes a panel of experts. And panel of ass-kicking experts.
5:03PM Yes, he’s comparing the leak to the Terror War and the Great Recession.
5:03PM A team of best scientists and engineers with awards! We’re saved!
5:04PM Wait… strike that last comment. He didn’t cite any credentials for ass-kicking.
5:04PM We’d better nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
5:04PM Shorter Obama: “Hurricanes are easy. Leaks are hard.”
5:05PM Battle plan! Is it an ass-kicking battle plan?
5:05PM 30,000 personnel in four states. Tons of ships. 17,000 Guardsmen.
5:05PM Correction: Ass-kicking personnel.
5:06PM Hey, where’d the boom come from? I know a guy who knows a guy who can get more of that stuff.
5:07PM Speed? Day 57, buddy. I’ve also heard that Gov. Jindal STILL doesn’t have permission to build the sea wall he just ordered built.
5:07PM Just once, I’d like him to keep one whole finger on the desk.
5:07PM One ass-kicking finger.
5:08PM Tomorrow Obama will meet with the CEO of BP. That’s Day 58, if you’re keeping score at home.
But to be fair, setting up a third-party to handle compensation payments is quite sensible. sss-kickingly sensible.
5:09PM The Secretary of the Navy is going to develop a plan. With a panel, and perhaps even a commission.
5:10PM Mr. President? When are those rigs coming back? The ones you drove away with the moratorium? The moratorium that went deeper than the scientists recommended?
5:10PM And an Understanding Commission!
5:11PM OK, so the Commission must do its work thoroughly. But will you be taking off for spelling?
5:11PM I will lose hours of sleep and suffer nightsweats over the image of “corporations pleasing themselves.”
5:12PM We’ve learned lessons! Ass-kicking lessons.
5:12PM Here it comes — the push for cap & trade.
5:13PM They’re drilling a mile beneath the ocean because ANWR is closed and so are the shorelines. (The “you lying bastard” clause at the end is implied.)
5:13PM Countries like China are building coal-fired plants every week. Green coal!
5:14PM Now is the moment! Of a mission! An ass-kicking mission!
5:14PM Do a shot if he mentions Spain.
5:15PM Millions of jobs! By accelerating and seizing! By which he means, he’ll accelerate the seizure of private wealth to keep Al Gore rich.
5:15PM Al Gore: “I’m trying to watch the speech.” Laurie David: “Oh, put down the remote and get in bed, big boy.”
5:16PM He won’t accept inaction! It’s not too big or too difficult to tax! Er, beat.
5:17PM Faith will power your car! Uh… you get out and push.
5:18PM The words are lofty, but — as always with this guy — let’s wait until we see the legislation. Oh, and just this once, I’d like my Congressman to see it before he has to vote on it. Pretty please?
5:19PM Well that was mercifully free of content.
5:20PM Seriously, I feel so unsatisfied.
5:20PM There wasn’t even enough meat to make proper fun of. Proper ass-kicking fun.
5:21PM I keep waiting for somebody else to come on TV, maybe a cabinet member, to read the real speech, the one that tells us… I dunno… stuff.
5:23PM Seriously, sorority girls have done the Walk of Shame home from frat parties feeling more satisfied.
5:24PM You just want to say, “I spent a quarter century conditioning my liver for this?”