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Drunkblogging Obama’s Address on the Economy

The president's speech was "sober" — but Vodkapundit's Stephen Green was loaded.

by
Stephen Green

Bio

February 24, 2009 - 5:56 pm

I’ve got my second martini poured already, but here’s how you can play along at home.

Drink on “hope,” or “change,” or “invest,” or “stimulus.” If President Obama uses the word “malaise,” then finish your drink, pour another, and call your broker. Tell him to put everything into ammo and bottled water.

6:52PM (All times Mountain) I hate to agree with Bill O’Reilly, but when he says President Obama is winging it, how do you disagree?

6:57PM Krauthammer says he wants to be a “revolutionary president.” Aw, crap.

7:02PM The TV people say we’ll also get some talk tonight about the war. We’re at war?

7:05PM Hottest first lady ever? Barring Millard Fillmore in drag, I’d have to say yes.

7:08PM Brit Hume must be really retired, because he’s talking about how late an hour it is at 9PM local.

7:09 I’m usually too smart to do these things on an empty stomach, but I was on Rick Moran’s radio show earlier and missed my chance to carbo-load. If this were the first draft of a sitcom script, the next stage direction would read, “hilarity ensues.”

7:11PM Juan Williams notes that we’re going to hear a speech “bereft” of “international themes.” Isolationism is so not our friend right now. Let’s try not to forget that.

7:12PM Say what you will about Obama, but there’s no denying the man looks presidential.

7:13PM I’m gladdened to see Obama isn’t wearing that sweater still. That would have been worrisome.

7:16PM Eff it. Just drink already. He’s about to speak.

7:17PM Clark Kent called. Wants his tie back.

7:18PM If Obama makes it a campaign promise in ’12 to keep stepping on Pelosi’s lines, I might just vote for him.

7:19PM He sounds confident. Pleased, even. “The state of our economy is a concern that rises above all others.” Fair enough, and he’s promising to spare us the statistics. So far, so good.

7:20PM “We are living through difficult and uncertain times… we will emerge stronger than before.” Somebody took some good advice from Bill Clinton, crafting that line.

7:21PM OK, we need to pull together, confront boldly, take responsibility, etc. Inspiring stuff. “Our economy did not fall… overnight.” If he’s setting up entitlement reform, this speech could be a real winner, even with libertarians like myself. But patience… let’s see where this goes.

7:22PM “Invest!” Drink!

7:24PM Joe Biden has already mastered the Veep’s most important job — appearing to sleep through the President’s speeches. But Obama is rushing. He’s either nervous, or knows that he’s running late. Or both. Whatever it is, that masterful presence he held at the beginning of the speech has been squandered.

7:26PM I’d be more impressed if he were keeping cops on the streets of DC or Chicago, rather than… Minneapolis. Really?

7:27PM Evelyn Woods called. She’s giving you her money back, Mr. President. Breathe already!

7:29PM We’re going to give you money to buy cars! We’re slashing prices! We’ve gone crazy!

7:31PM We swear we’re not helping deadbeats by giving them your tax dollars. And if I keep talking this quickly, you might just not notice that it’s so not true!

7:32PM We’ll hold accountable those responsible! TARP II is nothing like TARP I, and you know it’s true because I’ve said so, so very, very quickly!

7:33PM So c’mon down to Crazy Obama’s, where we’re slashing prices like craaaaaazy!

7:34PM “Our job is to solve the problem.” OK, quit borrowing.

7:35PM “It’s not about helping banks, it’s about helping people.” The quit giving them money, and give me some! Or at least speak at Mortal Human Speed.

7:36PM Regulatory reform? Fine, great. Start by getting rid of Dodd and Frank, mmkay?

7:37PM It’s rich that a guy who just added a trillion dollars to the deficit is complaining about a trillion dollar deficit.

7:39PM “Bold action, big ideas.” I’ll repeat a bit of wisdom I shared with you earlier tonight: Ammo and bottled water.

7:40PM Ever seen one of those Shorter Shakespeare productions? Those people take their time compared to the President. He could get through a full production of Hamlet in under 17 seconds if he really tried, I bet.

7:41PM “It is time for America to lead again.” In what? Speed talking and deficit spending? ‘Cause we’re already there, baby! We! Are! Number! One!

7:43PM To paraphrase Mojo Nixon: Barack needs cars! Barack needs cars! Also, if you were hoping that health care wouldn’t be nationalized until after the next election, think again. Er… maybe that should be, “drink again.”

7:46PM Government health care will be paid for in part by government “efficiencies.” Which is like treating your nasty case of syphilis by having unprotected sex with anyone willing to take five dollars.

7:48PM The President wants all of us to go back to college. Great. Now we’re going to need to start subsidizing pony kegs.

7:51PM The technical overlords tell me I drunkblog faster than the servers can take it. On a related note, useless Mostly Useless Senator Orrin Hatch needs to stay awake for his applause lines.

7:52PM Read to your kids! I wonder if Michael Moore will jump all over Obama for that one, while there’s a crisis going on.

7:53PM “With the deficit we inherited…” and then doubled, and will double again, and which I promise to cut in half to the first doubling, maybe, by 2012…

7:55PM Obama has found two trillion to cut over ten years. Which, unadjusted for inflation, is maybe 2 trillion out of 30 or 40 trillions of spending. That’s pocket change, kids. And you know what else? It will never happen.

7:57PM Back in ’96, Bill Maher made fun of Bob Dole’s tax cut promises as “We’re giving you money!” Think he’ll mock Obama’s “the checks are on the way!”? That’s a rhetorical question, mmkay?

7:58PM “We will not allow it!” He’s talking about people making nasty plans from safehavens overseas. Now that’s just silly. Kill them, yes, fine. Stop them from drawing maps? Can’t deliver on that one, sorry.

8:01PM Why is it Democrats always speak to soldiers as veterans as just another grievance group in need of more benefits? Support the mission — lead, command! — and the troops will follow. Treating them as victims… well, I can tell you from the veterans who make up damn near my entire neighborhood… that stuff doesn’t play here.

8:03PM “The world depends on us having a strong economy.” Credit where its due: Obama has completely and fully issued a full and total reversal on his campaign promise to engage in self-destructive protectionism. Take that, left wing!

8:06PM We must be getting near the end, because Obama has slowed down to Normal Human Speaking Range.

8:07PM “We are not quitters.” Speak for yourself, Mr President. I gave up on this thing five minutes in.

8:09 “Something worthy to be remembered… thank you.” If I may quote some of your supporters, Mr. President: Sadly, no.

Stephen Green began blogging at VodkaPundit.com in early 2002, and has served as PJMedia's Denver editor since 2008. He's one of the hosts on PJTV, and one-third of PJTV's Trifecta team with Scott Ott and Bill Whittle. Steve lives with his wife and sons in the hills and woods of Monument, Colorado, where he enjoys the occasional lovely adult beverage.
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