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Drunkblogging a Few Modest Proposals

Citizens of the world: It is time we make ourselves more equal! And perhaps relocate the UN to Somalia.

by
Dan Miller

Bio

October 5, 2010 - 12:00 am
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The world is so screwed up that even our highly intelligent and resourceful President Obama can’t deal with its myriad complexities. Things need to be simplified and a drunk, a lunatic, or a leftist is needed. I possibly qualify on the first two counts. Therefore, farcically facially radical but really simple change we can believe in offers the only possible answers.

In an earlier article, I suggested that some of the country’s many problems can be ameliorated by simply moving the seat of government (and all of its bursting appendixes) to Haiti. This will not only save lots of taxpayer government money, it will also improve both Washington and Haiti. However, we must not ignore other major problems. Heck, the slaves in the United States still need to be freed. This article offers a few additional modest proposals for true change.

The United Nations must abandon decadent New York City and relocate to some less-expensive place more in keeping with its lofty humanitarian principles. As a side benefit, the UN headquarters will become a really cool mega-mosque-community center where people of every race, ethnicity, religion, nationality, and ideology can come together in peace and harmony — as they now do so effectively at the UN. Even though not as close to Ground Zero as some desire, it will be a compromise welcomed by all.

Somalia comes immediately to mind as a new home for the UN, but there are many deserving alternatives. Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Iran, and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) are among them. The advantages would be numerous. Since Luputa exists only in fiction, it could well be even better. In his travels there, Gulliver became acquainted with “flappers”:

I observed here and there many in the Habit of Servants, with a blown Bladder fastned like a Flail to the End of a short Stick, which they carried in their Hands. In each Bladder was a small Quantity of dried Pease, or little Pebbles, (as I was afterwards informed.) With these Bladders they now and then flapped the Mouths and Ears of those who stood near them, of which Practice I could not then conceive the Meaning. It seems the Minds of these People are so taken up with intense Speculations, that they neither can speak, nor attend to the Discourses of others, without being rouzed by some external Taction upon the Organs of Speech and Hearing; for which Reason those Persons who are able to afford it always keep a Flapper (the Original is Climenole) in their Family, as one of their Domesticks; nor ever walk abroad or make Visits without him.

In all of the countries suggested above, there will be numerous flapper candidates and most of them will be delighted to work for next to nothing. The remote possibility that flappers might make things even worse should not even be considered. Tense and immobilizing speculation may well seem better than actually doing something, but would merely perpetuate the status quo.

A truly international currency must soon emerge to displace the dollar. Labels are of critical importance, and the “World Unified Stable Standard Bolívar Fuerte” (WUSS-BF) would be good. The individual words even sound good: “Stable” is reassuring, “Unified” bespeaks togetherness, we all need “Standards,” and a bit of Spanish is also appropriate — “Bolívar Fuerte” means strong Bolivar. Fuerte is a very good word! It alone has done wonders for Venezuela, and el Presidente Chávez can be counted upon for support. Using “strong,” or “WUSS-BS,” would not be as cohesive.

We are now all citizens of the world and must be united and therefore equal in every respect. A common currency will go a long way toward eliminating the need for apologies to the rest of the world, at least for future presidents.

The United States has not become too European; it has not become European (or Asian or Latin American or African or whatever) enough. We need to do much more:

A firm belief in the individual’s ability, ideas, courage, will and a reliance on one’s own resources brought the U.S. to the top. The American dream promised everyone the chance of upward mobility — literally from rags to riches, from minimum wage to millionaire. The individual’s pursuit of happiness was seen as the crucial foundation for the well-being of society, rather than the benevolent state which cares for its subjects — and certainly not the welfare state, which provides a social safety net for its citizens.

We can’t look backward; we must look forward to a brighter and better future for all. Open borders, more open even than in Europe, are necessary. Otherwise, according to Jorge Castaneda, formerly Mexico’s foreign secretary and currently Global Distinguished Professor of Politics and Latin American and Caribbean Studies at New York University, the United States will continue to be responsible for massacres. Such as the disgraceful recent massacre of seventy-two innocent Latin American immigrants in the border state of Tamaulipas, Mexico, trying in vain to reach salvation promised (falsely) in the United States. The United States must yield to “the inevitability of large-scale migration of low-wage workers.” With credentials such as his, the views of Castaneda must be given every bit of the serious consideration they deserve.

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